quote:

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A fireball explodes in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics and force with chips and broken pieces of stone fly like shrapnel in all directions. However they halt their flight and fall harmlessly to the ground with a loud clatter. “Is that all you can muster!?” Bellowed the rather frail mage but possessing an amazing agility to move both swiftly and gracefully with nigh sign of tiring laughing maniacally casting as he moved. The other, a young female magician of great talent it would seem if one could discern such things with but a mere glance merely gritted her teeth and launched herself into hurried gestures and verbal casting racing against time itself but within seconds uttered the last syllable and with a forward gesture pointed at the frail mage with her brow furrowed in

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This is merely a part of the prelude, the novel itself I wish to be about a brilliant Drow wizard named Raenir who will appear in the first chapter the novel is meant to follow the formulative events of his life and set the stage for his character of later works.

[This message has been edited by Isaac Pavel Rozhdestvensk (edited June 18, 2008).]

Also, why is the female mage racing against time? The challenge posed by the older drow was to do it better, bigger, stronger. Not do it faster. And again, way too much description in there about her and what she's doing and why, break it up.

I will also point out something about drow, if you're going to set it in that universe. A male teaching a female is a big deal and to become a mage, no less. Females normally become priests, even those that show talent for the arcane. I don't know the rest (13 lines doesn't let me see her reaction really) or what you're planning, but generally went someone starts off like this, it sends up a big warning flag that says; 'this isn't going to be worth reading because the person is going to ignore drow society or is trying to create a Drizzt clone, but as a mage instead.' I strongly suggest that your back story as to why he's being allowed to do this be rock solid, or readers aren't going to accept the character as being real.

Also Tagnik Zur is not Faerun while in my history the Drow were taken from Faerun they were taken sometime just after the Crown Wars but before the establishment of the Lolth worshipping Matriarchy. So the Drow are not quite the Drow, think of it as saying people are used to Italians today but while say someone writes a story about 'Italians' but used time travel to bring a bunch of Romans in but still calls them Italians does this make sense?

Also I am a fan of the sorta 'don't explain everything right away but drag it out slowly' school of writing so there's many things missing in these 13 lines that on its own is fairly confusing but there's no good way of explaining it without reading the whole prelude.

Edit:

The history of it is that the Elves of Toril were offered a choice the power of Justice of the power of Might, the Gold/Moon Elves took justice but the Ilythiir took Might but were eventually during the Crown Wars casted down to the Underdark. In my world Dragons were originally the only sentient race but loath to kill other Dragons in their wars and fearing the devastation the most powerful ones crafted interdimensional portals that connected with different various worlds one of them connected to Ancient China on Earth and another one to the Underdark after the Crown wars and secretly stole a large chunk of people using some disaster (that they probably created) to hide the deed.

Thus we have a world were Drow of a sort are a major surface race but not completely corrupted towards evil yet so I can actually have some flexibility in how to protray their personalities.

My take:

quote:

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A fireball explodes in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics and force [with<--[Huh?] chips and broken pieces of stone [to?] fly like shrapnel in all directions. However[,] they [halt their flight<--[Unneeded.] and fall harmlessly [to the ground<--[Where else would they fall?] with a loud clatter. [Indent new paragraph.]“Is that all you can muster!?” Bellow[ed<--[Tense violation, it switches from present to past.] the [rather<--[Does nothing for this sentence.] frail[,] mage but possess[ing<--[Back to present tense, in the same sentence.] an amazing agility to move [both<--[3 descriptions follow, but this word is unnecessary anyway.] swiftly and gracefully with [nigh<--[Archaic, particularly in this paragraph.] sign of tiring[,] laughing maniacally casting[Huh?] as he mov[ed<--[Again, tense.]. The other[What other?], a young female magician of great talent [it would seem if one could discern such things with but a mere glance<--[Confusing. Show this, or what makes the PoV think this, in a separate sentence or paragraph.] merely gritt[ed<--[Tense.] her teeth and launch[ed<--[Tense.] herself into hurried gestures and verbal casting[,] racing against time [itself but<--[Replace with a period and capitalize: W]ithin seconds [Add a: she] uttered the last syllable[,] and with a forward gesture[,] pointed at the frail mage with her brow furrowed in

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You keep switching tenses. Your sentences are so long, poorly punctuated and filled with adverbs that they get confusing.(I cannot picture a frail wizard bellowing, "Is that all you got?") By the time I'm done deciphering the sentences, I'm not sure what's going on, other than there was a fireball that exploded harmlessly and that a young female magician made it happen. I don't know why. Put simply, I think your prose is getting in the way of your story.

Remember Arthur C. Clarke's advice (seems I'm paraphrasing this quote more and more): Our job is not to write so that the reader understands, it's to write so that the reader can't possibly misunderstand.

And yeap, the part about drow before being drow makes sense. I can follow along with that.

Yes, a lot gets missed in 13 lines and yeah, it will always leave some confusion, but at the same time what you have is still tedious, like I said. Way too much description crammed into a few sentences, too much info at the same time. It's a good start, beginning with a mage learning fireball, but it feels rushed. As if their appearance is something unimportant or annoying and so you toss at the reader to get over with as fast as possible.

1) It ignores basic style constructs - i.e. sentances start new paragraphs.

2) It's contradictory - the mage is "frail" but bellows and moves "swiftly and gracefully" without tiring.

3) Magic doesn't seem to have a price - see note above.

4) Long sentances that tell me nothing and/or are the author intruding. Ex - " . . .of great talent it would seem, if one could discern such things . . .

5) No hook. This is a standard mage fight. I don't know or care about the people or stakes and I have a horrible feeling that this will turn out to be a practice drill.

It's probably too early for you to get meaningful feedback as well. I don't generally comment on things that are this preliminary but wanted to before this went too far along.

Why do you have a prologue? Are you starting in the right place?

Maybe you are. Maybe you need the prologue but be careful about using one and make sure it's amazing if you do.

I'd suggest stating with Raenir and just telling his story.

Also even if there isn't much to the story as of yet at least I can learn proper english grammar.

Nextly, this event takes place roughly 10-20 years before Raenir enter's the story. Its foreshadowing of something that will happen later.

Also maybe I don't know what 'frail' means but I'm trying to give the appearence of someone appearing very old but still having a surprising inner youth/strength.

Most fantasy readers want magic to cost something. If it doesn't have a cost why isn't everyone using it and why aren't those who can dictators? Lobbing fireballs works to an extent for YA but not for an older audience. Even Harry Potter had to go to school to learn how to do magic and some magic physically exhausted him.

Frail means fragile.

1. Isaac, is english by chance your second language?

2. If this is a D&D book or D&D based/inspired, perhaps the conventions common to Forgotten Realms/R.A. Salvatore are what you're aiming for here - limitless magic, races that are predefined in terms of relations, abilities, etc. In that sense (pleasing the target audience) these conventions, contrary as they are to some of the advice we all pass out here, are acceptable.

Basically think of it if when writing a math question but as you write the equal sign the paper freezes and shatters? Magic is equivalent to high mathematics in my setting makes virtual no difference game play wise but will have some nice and believable magibabble as food for thought.

As SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED has noted though, be careful with borrowing spells from D&D or faerun or any other system are copyrighted. The "fireball" isn't per se but say Tensar's Floating Disk and the like would be.

Worry less about the magic system comments since the system can't be explained in the 13 and more on the substantive comments.