posted
Here is one of my older stories that I have wrote, back in 1993. Still not finished with it. Here is the first thirteen lines of the prelude of this story. Please critic the first thirteen, thank you. I'm a bit curious as in how it sounds and if I need to improve on it.
Beth
It's the year 3525; the world is now very different than the world we know, since World War 5 happened in 2113. All of the cities in the world were now gone; destroyed by the Great Bomb and then the Great earthquake in 2159, which pushed all of the seven continents back together into one huge continent called Panagaea. There existed not one of the many superpowers to pick up the broken world. The great superpowers were no more, not one of the great superpowers in the world was left to pick up the ruins of the Great Bomb and the Great earthquake. Who was left to clean up the mess that the superpowers did to the world was but for small groups of humans, who had survived the disasters around the world, it was some very terrifying several thousand of years for those who survived. They did not care
[This message has been edited by BethBrownell (edited June 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 20, 2008).]
posted
It's telling not showing, and, coming from a geological background, the idea of an earthquake shoving continents around is a little implausible. Does it really need the prologue?
Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yes, it does as this is somewhat very important to the story itself as it explains what happened to the planet that brought about the strange creatures that were once just tales into real life, for the last line of the prelude reveals that vampires have returned to being real instead of just myths.
posted
I could state in the first line what the real year was instead of the short year I have down, but with a very powerful, worldwide earthquake like this was, could possibly start the move of the plates pushing everything together or just state that after the Great Bomb went off, the years meant nothing to those who lived and the many earthshakes that made living impossible in one location as those who survived the first earthquake and their descendants.
posted
Why not cut the history lesson and jump into the story? It also creates a POV issue, who's telling the reader this and why?
The reader's going to figure out there are vampires soon enough and the characters know the history.
< Planet of the Apes - Spoiler??? -
If in Planet of the Apes, someone did a prologue and told us the planet was ours after humans nearly wiped themselves out, the ending wouldn't have had any impact.
end spoiler
Do we really need to know that this is Earth in 3525 (nice year BTW) right now? Do we really need to know that the contingents have been mushed into a new Panagaea, right now? Especially since the events that made it happen were almost 1000 years earlier?
reference to Kevin Costner's Water World with spoiler
In Water World, the general people didn't know that Water World had been anything else. It takes Costner's character and finding land to make that discovery.
End reference and spoiler
So, my biggest question reading this (as if you couldn't guess by now) was why am I reading this?
Give me a character and let me learn about the world as that character does. If the MCs know this information the reader can learn it in the dialog or by the events. The MC knows there are vampires, assuming the MC isn't one. Why probably doesn't matter right now. It's a novel. IMHO, spoon feed me this information as the story moves along.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 20, 2008).]
I have added a storyteller to this part and changed the dates about to make it more real and plus if I was able to post the whole prelude you will see what happens to the storyteller.
The children looked at the storyteller, who sat by the fire of their home. “Please tell us about what happened to our ancestors, storyteller?” “It's the year 303525; our world is very different than the world that our ancestors once knew. World War 5 that happened in 12113, the bombs that our ancestors used back then All of the cities in the world that once stood lovingly in their locations were gone; destroyed by the Great Bomb and then the Great earthquake in 12159, which pushed all of the seven continents back together into one huge continent over the next thousands of years called Panagaea. The superpowers that existed back then, well not one of them were around to pick up the pieces of the broken world.
Is this better or should I work on it some more?
Beth
[This message has been edited by BethBrownell (edited June 21, 2008).]
posted
“It's the year 303525; our world is very different than the world that our ancestors once knew. World War 5 that happened in 12113, the bombs that our ancestors used back then(this is an incomplete sentence, and needs punctuation at the end) All of the cities in the world that once stood lovingly in their locations were gone; destroyed by the Great Bomb and then the Great earthquake in 12159, which pushed all of the seven continents back together into one huge continent over the next thousands of years called Panagaea (This sentence is rather long, you might put a period after the date, but then you'd need a new subject, and it might read more clearly if you put over the next thousands of years after the word Panagaea). The superpowers that existed back then, well not one of them were around to pick up the pieces of the broken world. (dash rather than comma).
posted
This sounds an awful lot like the Vampire Hunter D series by Hideyuki Kikuchi. Be careful not to make it too similar.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
It started off with the idea of a Vampire Hunter being a vampire hunting her own kind, but now I have it changed to where the huntress is the long missing heir to the ruling house of all Vampires and now must claim the rank or let someone else who is not of the line take it from the other seven houses. So there will be a ton of original Vampire politics in the stories. The only thing that would even resemble D is that the main character Koranad is a Vampire Huntress and that the horse she rides is a robotic mount, the story is original from the plot to everything else.
I know where the story is heading, that a year or two after the start of this story, which is side stories to the main line, the storyteller meets up with his mother and his grandfather on his mom's side and starts on his travels on his way to becoming the new head of his mother's House - the House of Teps, stopping off at each major Vampire House to see if they will put their nod behind him as the new Lord.
At the end of the stories that he tells the family in the first novel, he tries to move on from that family, to get to tell them a few more stories. When he finally leaves that family, that is when the real start of the series begins, there will be at least two side stories beyond this story and the main series. I may blend two of the stories together to make one story but who knows.
Or something close to that, the story is re-evolving right now, so it is possible that the final outcome of the stories or the series is in the air.
posted
I changed the beginning once again. I never really did like how I started it off anyways.
The farmer was scanning the evening sky observing the gray clouds coming closer. Then, off in the distance he heard the sounds of hoof beats coming closer; he raised his head to see who was coming down the road. It was not long before he saw the flash of green it was the storyteller. But with night falling fast he knew if the storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he would be in danger of being prey to the creatures of the night. He rushed towards his fence and waited for him to get closer. The storyteller was watching the sky; the night was falling fast. He knew he needed to find shelter soon, as he couldn’t reverse course and head back to town. He looked around searching for any sign of life on the old dirt road. Then, with
Beth
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 08, 2008).]
1. You need to watch out for verb tense. The farmer is "scanning" in the first sentence, but everything else is past tense.
2. "It was not long before he saw the flash of green it was the storyteller." - Is there some punctuation missing?
3. There's some repetetive repetition. "with night falling fast" ... "get some shelter fast" "night was falling fast" ... "find shelter soon" "dread fast approaching like the night was"
4. There are many unnecessary words. Like in "Then, with dread fast approaching like the night was," could be reduced to "Dread approached, swift as the night" or somesuch.
5. Why couldn't the storyteller return to the town? Because of the time?
6. Re: the sentences at the end of the paragraph, from "He knew he needed to find shelter soon" on: Is this the storyteller, or the farmer thinking? The farmer knew the storyteller needed to find shelter? The storyteller knew that he (the storyteller) needed...? It's ambiguous. If it's the storyteller, have we seen last of the farmer? Was his whole purpose to tell us that night was coming and that the storyteller was wearing green?
Conceptually, it's an interesting opening. It sounds wordy, though. In about half the sentences, you remind me that it's getting dark, and that this is a bad thing. I get that.
Anyway, I would really tighten this up. It's a good idea in the working.
posted
My sense was you were working too hard and not making me work hard enough. What I mean is you are in a hurry to give me facts instead of letting me find them as I read. What I want as a reader [and I am ONLY speaking for me] is to have a reason to read without having all the facts.
Posts: 47 | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I could like this starting place much better. One main issue for me was that the new version doesn't have any tension. I don't know why they are worried about sunset.By starting with the farmer, you are already signaling that help is near. If you started with the storyteller riding down the road and worrying about the things that go bump after dark and then have the last line of the 13 where he sees the farm house, now I'll worry with the storyteller about whether he gets there in time.
My take:
quote: The farmer was scanning the evening sky observing the gray clouds coming closer. this is a pretty passive start
Then, off in the distance he heard the sounds of hoof beats coming closer; he raised his head to see who was coming down the road. Wasn't his head already up to see the clouds? You could combine these two thoughts - Farmer Joe raised his head as the sound of hoofbeats drew near. As a practical issue, he's not going to hear the sound of hoofbeats of one horse until its relatively close unless there's a cobbled or paved road or the horse has something to make the sound louder. It might be better for him to see the "flash of green" out of the corner of his eye as he's scanning the clouds
It was not long before he saw the flash of green it was the storyteller. Only the storyteller wears green? But with night falling fast he knew if the storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he would be in danger of being prey to the creatures of the night. info dumpy because it's not his POV, it's you telling us there are unnamed things that go bump in the night He rushed towards his fence and waited for him to get closer. really? Isn't he worried about the bumpy things
The storyteller was watching the sky "was watching" is passive ; the night was falling fast You'd be better off saying the sun was almost past the horizon . He knew he needed to find shelter soon, as he couldn’t reverse course and head back to town. info dumpy - he's not going to be musing about this. He's going to be frantically looking for someplace safe and cursing himself for leaving town so late He looked around searching for any sign of life on the old dirt road. Then, with
Sink into the Storyteller's head. He's on the road in unfamiliar territory and dusk is approaching. If he's in the open when night arrives, he's dead because of the vampires. Show me that he's worried about that. Let that worry color everything he sees or does.
I think you might be starting in the right place now. At least the scene promises to be compelling if you sink into a POV. Keep at it.
I have added the information you gave and worked on shrinking the wordiness of the scenes. I believe I did pretty good on this, so tell me what you think about it now.
The farmer was scanning the evening sky observing the gray clouds coming closer. Off in the distance he heard the sounds of metallic hoof beats coming closer; he turned his head to see who was coming down the road. It was not long before he saw the flash of green, the cloak color of the storytellers’ clan. But with the sun nearly past the horizon, the farmer knew if the storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he would be in danger of being prey to the creatures of the night. The farmer rushed towards his fence and waited for the storyteller to get closer. The storyteller riding his robotic mount was watching the sun descend into the far horizon. “Damn, I need shelter soon, I can’t reverse course and head back to town. Even if I did push Storm to his fastest pace, I could still end up as dinner for
Better or need more work? Beth
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 09, 2008).]
Para 1, Sentence 1 - "The farmer was scanning the evening sky observing the gray clouds coming closer." - still a different tense than the rest, and feels a little clunky. - How about "The farmer watched the gray clouds approach, filling the evening sky." - If he's scanning (or if he scanned) it sounds like he was looking for something.
Para 1, sentence 3 - "But with the sun nearly past the horizon, the farmer knew if the storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he would be in danger of being prey to the creatures of the night." - this is wordy. maybe something like ... "Hurry, teller", the farmer prayed, "it's almost night, and you need to get indoors before they come out."
Para 1, Last sentence - You could probably lose "to get closer."
Para 2, Storyteller's internal dialog. This is OK, but it sounds forced. I suggest that you have him talk to "Storm", his horse(?)
Para 2, last sentence, the simile "dread fast approaching like the night was" still sounds odd. Maybe it's the phrasing or the cadence.
Anyway, though, better than before. I'd still read on.
posted
The farmer was scanning the [You use gray a bit later] APPROACHING clouds [For me this would take it from descriptive to . . . is it metaphorical?] SOUNDS coming closer [I think I'd like "clear" over "closer"]; he turned his head. He saw A flash of green; the cloak of the storytellers’! The sun nearly past the horizon, he would be in danger SOON [I have a slight issue here that it is cloudy and sunny. I know this does not have to be a contradiction.] The farmer rushed and waited.
A robotic mount, the sun descendING, needING shelter, can’t GO BACK, desperate search for life [I’d lose ‘old dirt road’, but make a ‘dusty’ comment]. [I’d add the ‘grayish smoke’ with the ‘dusty’ in a compare and contrast way].
“Robotic mount” seems a bit too much on the nose. A whirring or something like whirring “mount” might make me think a bit in a good audience way. I know what a ‘robotic mount’ is is in my head, but ‘whirring’ would give me an excuse to ponder and think and in a way where I’d like to keep reading to know.
This is just one opinion. I think it is tighter and has more tension. I can wait on some details and facts. I hope this helped and wasn't too much input.
[This message has been edited by Jericho (edited July 09, 2008).]
posted
Why do you go to both points of views (the farmer's and the storyteller's) just to tell us that they are thinking the same thing? Pick one point of view -- I'd recommend the farmer's, but you can certainly choose whichever you like -- and stick with it. You make better use of the 13 lines that way instead of repeating yourself.
Also, isn't the farmer also in danger of being caught in the dark?
posted
There's a lot of repetition in the newest draft. Although I suspect the natural editing process would take care of it.
It's tough to switch POVS in the first chapter, must less the first 13 lines. As has been pointed out to me, Omni is rarely done these days and very difficult to do well. So, I'd second Corky's comment, pick a POV and stay in it. If you are not sure which POV you should be in for the first chapter, try writing both and use the one that feels better when they are both written.
The farmer's paragraph flowed much better. The storyteller's beginning is a bit rough. Since Storyteller is a clan or title (I still can't tell which), it probably should be capitalized.
posted
The Storyteller is a member from the Storyteller clan, so I guess his name should be captialized till we know his name which will not be coming in this part of the story. His name will be known later on in the series.
And yes, the editing process is ongoing as I write as I see many wordiness in some of the story or more like most of the rewritten story.
posted
Well, here is my 13 lines of the prelude once again.
The farmer was scanning the evening sky observing the gray clouds. Off in the distance he could hear the sounds of metallic hoof beats coming closer; he turned his head to see who was coming down the road. It was not long before he saw the flash of green through the trees. He knew it had to be the cloak color of the Storytellers’ clan. But with the sun nearly past the horizon, the farmer said to himself, ‘If the Storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he will be in danger.’ The farmer rushed towards his fence to wait to see if it was the Storyteller or another rider coming down the road. The Storyteller watched as the sun descends into the far horizon. His heart now in his stomach as his dread grew stronger. ‘Damn, I need shelter soon. I can’t head back to
Better or need more work?
Beth
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 12, 2008).]
quote:The farmer was scanning scanned the evening sky observing the gray clouds. Off in the distance he could hear heard the sounds of metallic hoof beats coming closer; he turned his head to see who was coming down the road. It was not long before he saw the flash of green through the trees. He knew it had to be the cloak color of the Storytellers’ clan. But with the sun nearly past the horizon, the farmer said to himself, ‘If the Storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he will be in danger.’ The farmer rushed towards his fence to wait to see if it was the Storyteller or another rider coming down the road. The Storyteller watched as the sun descends into the far horizon. His heart now in his stomach as his dread grew stronger. ‘Damn, I need shelter soon. I can’t head back to
Well, first, the opening is passive. The farmer was scanning, he could hear. You might want to consider "scanned" and "heard."
The sentences "It was not long before he saw the flash of green through the trees. He knew it had to be the cloak color of the Storytellers’ clan." are long. They could be reduced to "He glimpsed a flash of green. A green cloak? A Storyteller?" - This is shorter, AND shows the farmer's association of a green cloak with a Storyteller by inference.
re: The internal dialog in "the farmer said to himself, ‘If the Storyteller didn’t get some shelter fast, he will be in danger.’ - 1. "Didn't" should be "doesn't". 2. Does the farmer actually speak this sort of enunciated english? "he will be in danger." If he speaks that way, does hi say that to himself? I'd expect more of "he's screwed" or "he'll be dead 'fore morning." 3. There is no number 3.
re: "if it was the Storyteller or another rider" - shouldn't that be "a Storyteller". The use of "the" implies that he knew that the rider was a Storyteller.
re: "The Storyteller watched as the sun descends into the far horizon. " 1. the words "as the" are unnecessary, 2. use "descended" instead of "descends". 3. The sun didn't descend "into" the horizon, it descended "to" the horizon.
re: "His heart now in his stomach as his dread grew stronger." - not a sentence. Should this be "His heart 'was' now..."?
posted
The farmer scanned the evening sky observing the gray clouds. Off in the distance he could hear the sounds of metallic hoof beats coming closer; he turned his head to see who was coming down the road. It was not long before he saw the flash of green through the trees. ‘<i>A green cloak</i>? <i>A Storyteller</i>?’ But with the sun nearly past the horizon, the farmer said to himself, ‘<i>If the Storyteller doesn’t get some shelter fast, he is screwed</i>.’ The farmer rushed towards his fence to wait to see if it was the Storyteller or another rider wearing a green cloak coming down the road.
posted
In my opinion, that's just about perfect. The only changes I'd make are to use "he's screwed", vice "he is screwed", and "a storyteller" instead of "the storyteller" in the last sentence.
He's going to see if it's a storyteller, not "the" Storyteller. There's more than one Storyteller, and he doesn't know for certain he's looking for one. If there were only one Storyteller, then "the" would be appropriate.
Other than that, though, I like that. It's concise, there's only one POV you're addressing, and there's movement in the scene.
posted
"Off in the distance . . . " could be better "In the distance . . . ". "Off" is implied.
"the farmer said to himself . . ." could be "the farmer thought . . . ". "said to himself" seems more mechanical than required.
"The farmer rushed towards his fence to wait to see if it was the Storyteller or another rider wearing a green cloak coming down the road." could lose the "wearing a green cloak coming down the road."
The "another rider" is implied and coming down the road has already been established.
posted
I revamped the prelude to switch what was done around to bring the Storyteller into the story first off since he is in a way the main character.
The Storyteller watched as the sun on a partially cloudy evening start to dip under the horizon. His heart now in his stomach as his dread grew stronger. ‘Damn, I need shelter soon. I can’t head back to town. Even if I did push Storm to get to my destination, I could still end up as dinner.’ He looked around searching for a place to stay the night but found none. “Come on, Storm, let’s get serious here!” He yelled to his mount. He started his desperate search for any sign of life on the old dirt road. The farmer was observing the evening sky as the clouds started to grow pink and various other colors of the evening as the evening birds and bats were flying around catching the smaller biting bugs that harassed his sheep and cattle, along with
I think I did pretty good. Beth
[This message has been edited by BethBrownell (edited August 09, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 10, 2008).]
You're making progress. I have a few comments, though.
First, you still have two points of view. The first paragraph is in the Storytellers POV, then it switches to the farmer. Unless you're going to be head-hopping (omni), just stick with one. Omniscient is a perfectly valid point of view, but you need to be good at it and you need to be consistent with it. If you're going to be telling the story from the Storyteller's POV, you'll first see the farmer through his eyes.
Another observation. The first sentence. I've read a bit lately about first sentences and their importance to draw in the reader. Here's one I liked. It's by Ken Follet in Key to Rebecca. The rest of the book didn't stand up to it, but I loved the opening:
"The last camel collapsed at noon."
Stop here and think about that sentence.
Doesn't that give you some ideas about the setting? Don't you want to find out what happened to the other camels? Why they are important? And what comes next?
Contrast this with (basically) 'The sun started to go down.'
What important part of this sequence could you start with?
Just an example:
The pitiless sun raced toward the horizon. "Damn," the Storyteller spat through clenched teeth.
Same sun, same horizon, more consequence.
Also, you have a long direct thought:
‘Damn, I need shelter soon. I can’t head back to town. Even if I did push Storm to get to my destination, I could still end up as dinner.’
Do folks think like that? Or do we think in flashes of thought and snatches of words?
You can use the narrator to get into the head of the POV character show us his thoughts, then go into direct thought for the important parts. Something like (but better written):
He needed shelter now. Maybe he could still make it to the [specific place] in time. Maybe he would wind up as dinner. He looked around for shelter. "Damn," he repeated. “Come on, Storm, let’s get serious here!”
One more thing. In The Elements of Style by Strunk and White, E.B. White quotes William Strunk in his mantra: "Omit needless words!"
Look at "partially cloudy." Is it necessary to the story? If not, cut it. Biting bugs harassing cattle and sheep. Necessary?
Does the reader start to wonder if the partly cloudy skies are significant? Should we care if (and expend mental resources on the fact that) the cattle and sheep don't like being bitten by bugs? Do we care if the Storyteller is riding like heck to get inside before dark? Concentrate on the important part.
Ok, I'll quit trying to beat you up here. I'm starting to care whether the Storyteller gets inside or not. That's a good thing.
Good luck!
[This message has been edited by jdt (edited August 11, 2008).]
posted
I read what you said and changed it a bit. I hope it works.
He needed shelter now. Maybe he could still make it to the castle in time. Maybe he would wind up as dinner. He looked around for shelter. "<i>Damn</i>," he repeated. “Come on, Storm, let’s get serious here!” He started his desperate search for any sign of life on the old dirt road as his mount galloped towards their destination hoping to get there before night fell.
The evening birds and bats were flying around catching the smaller insects that harassed his animals; the farmer slapped his bare arm with annoyance as he observed the evening sky, just as the clouds start to grow pink in color. Off in the distance he thought he could hear the sounds of metallic hoof beats coming closer; he turned his head to see who was coming down the road. It was not long before he saw the flash of green through the trees.
posted
Just FYI: speaking as someone who has a degree in geology, it is not in any way possible for a giant earthquake to push all the continents back together. Earthquakes don't work like that.
If the science behind your important back story that you have to mention in the first paragraph is totally wrong, you'll be in trouble for the rest of the book, and anyone who knows the science is wrong will just stop reading. I nearly did once I read the bit about earthquakes.
There are other options though. Maybe no one knows why there are new creatures around now. Maybe it seems like there's only one continent, because the others are cut off from wherever the story is set. Maybe it happened naturally - which means millions of years at least and all that that entails. Whatever you decide, make sure you get the science right if you absolutely have to include it in your book.
(Geology lesson - skip if you don't care about it)
Earthquakes are caused by tectonic plates moving against each other. Take, say, the plates moving past each other around California. One is sliding north, one is sliding south. They move at a rate of only centimeters per year, but that's fairly fast for an entire tectonic plate. As they move, they tend to get stuck on each other because their contact surfaces are obviously not vey smooth. Now, when they get stuck, pressure builds up slowly as the plates try to keep moving, and when the stuck bit finally shifts, that pressure is released and manifested as an earthquake.
In conclusion, you've essentially got it backwards. Earthquakes don't move the plates - they are caused by the plates moving, which they'd do regardless of whether quakes happen or not.
For a story involving humanity on a super continent, you need to base it on another world and preferably make it a world with miracles, magic or magic-like super science, because anything within the boundary of known physics capable of moving a series of tectonic plates the distances you require in the timeframe you require will essentially annihilate all life on the planet above bacteria.
posted
I still have an issue with the switching POV after the first seven sentances.
Having a separate POV paragraph for Ender's Game at the start of each chapter worked for me because it was separate - action, players, everything. Here we're just doing a POV switch in the same scene. While I personally love in scene POV swithes (really I do and I'm not being sarcastic, I also prefer full Omni writing, but that's me), the first 13 lines probably isn't the place for it.
Show me this from either the Storyteller's point of view, the Farmer's or, even harder to do, full Omni. Any of those choices could be compelling and hook me. It's the sawing back and forth between them that has me worried as a reader.
posted
I dont have a problem with the narrative. It seems interesting. The three lines about the superpowers being no more and not being able to pick up the pieces after the bad stuff went down was redundant. I would clean that part up. But as you said, the 13 lines are from a prologue, so I don't have any issues with you bringing us up to speed on the state of the world.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
