posted
I have less than 10,000 words from various parts of my science fiction novel-to-be, Conscience. I'm thinking of re-writing the introduction to change the tone, which is why I'm interested in opinions of these first 13 lines. I'm not ready to share a full chapter yet.
Please note that immediately after the first 13, you would learn more about the MC's psychic link to the other children on the military base and why he fears that link.
~ ~ ~
Derran opened his eyes and started his routine. My name is Derran Lee Lynn. I am twelve years old. I am at Camp Blanding. He spread his awareness to make sure none of the other kids were waiting in his room. Still paranoid, he peered over at the door, as he had every morning since arriving on base, to see if the locks were in place. My name is Derran Lee Lynn. I am twelve years old. I am at Camp Blanding.
Someone moved down the hallway on the other side of his door. The someone’s mind was a cheerful push of curiosity about the day’s activities. Derran withdrew from the contact, hoping the unidentified kid had not noticed him. Couldn’t he start one day without fear? Ever since he moved away from his parents, everything he had taken for granted at home seemed in danger of
*edited to correct italics*
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited July 16, 2008).]
posted
The word "Derran" three times in one paragraph? Not necessary. Same with "Camp Blanding" twice. I don't need the repetition unless it is required. If it is required, you don't need "Derran" being the first word.
Overall, I like it, but it is a bit repetitious. My negative feelings for the first paragraph did not carry into the second. I'd love to see a version that was a bit tighter and know a bit more about the tension.
posted
I liked it. I wonder why he repeats to himself his name and where he is at. I also wonder why he fears the link, but that would keep me reading to find out. Sorry I have no helpful critiques, but I did enjoy reading it and it pique my interest.
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posted
I liked it. It could stand some polishing, but I will refrain since you are making revisions. the voice seemed a litle distant especially the referal to his "parents". I would expect mom and dad, but this isn't the gospel. I will be glad to have a look whenever it is set for readers. I will comment more then.
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posted
It sounds like he uses a litany of thoughts to keep others out of his mind. Or maybe he needs to keep reminding himself of who he is... I'd make it a bit more explicit, using the word "litany" the first time and stating why he uses it.
Perhaps the second time, say he ran through the litany again (and rid of the repitition). Although the repitition didn't bother me; it made him sound very serious about his need for it.
The only problem I had with the setting was the name "Camp Blanding" juxtaposed with a 12-year-old. I expected a kids' camp in the woods, not a military base. Can you use a more military-sounding name for it?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 16, 2008).]
posted
Thank you for your comments so far. I'm already learning more from the first 13 lines than I expected.
Bent Tree, I'm happy you picked up on the distance in "parents". That's intentional, though now I prefer "home" instead.
~ ~ ~
He opened his eyes and started his routine. My name is Derran Lee Lynn. I am twelve years old. I am at the Camp Blanding military installation. Derran spread his awareness to make sure none of the other kids were waiting in his room. Still paranoid, he peered over at the door, as he had every morning since arriving on base, to see if the locks were in place. Satisfied that no one had sneaked in while he slept, he repeated the internal litany.
Someone moved down the hallway on the other side of his door. The someone’s mind was a cheerful push of curiosity about the day’s activities. Derran withdrew from the contact, hoping the unidentified kid had not noticed him. Couldn’t he start one day without fear? Ever since he moved away from home, everything he had taken for granted before seemed in danger of disappearing
posted
Your second thirteen are miles above your first. I was trying to figure out what to say but I guess Bent Tree beat me to the punch. The first 13 was, no offense, kind of slow. The second is far more interesting and makes me want to read further. Great job.
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posted
Sorry to go against the flow here, but I see nothing wrong with the character repeating his litany to himself. That's what he does.
The first version has more impact in this regard than the second IMHO because it shows us him repeating the litany (if that's what it is: for me a litany is a religious thing and this is about self-affirmation) instead of telling us. That he repeats it, word for word, shows us something about his state of mind. Not only that, I think there's a possiblity that a reader who has not seen this discussion may wonder, "Litany? What litany?"
I think the guidance about not repeating oneself is for narrators, not characters. I agree that the mention of Derran in the first sentence of the first version is redundant, so I'd prefer the second version--but instead of "he repeated the internal litany" which to me sounds a bit clinical, I'd suggest retaining it in italics as in the first version.
It's a good hook. I'd read on.
And I agree with kings_falcom that while waking up in the first 13 is a cliche, you've done it well: I did not yawn. I think that's because this character knows where he is and it's clear from the first sentence that we aren't going to spend the next several paragraphs wondering what the narrator knows that we don't.
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 17, 2008).]
posted
I very much liked the revised 13 more. I would turn the page.
I do agree with the previous post that the internal litany is ok to repeat if that is what your character is doing mentally. EA Poe made a living on repetion and melody of words. I personally find the lyricism of writing a interesting challenge.
I did find the second sentence of the second paragraph oddly worded. Can you reorder the sentence or remove "the someone's mind". I had to reread that sentence 2 or 3 times and it slowed me down. But that is just my incongruity with grammar.
posted
Pat, your comments offered further insight to how readers might respond to either version, so they were very helpful.
I could pair "the litany" and the actual words of the second recitation. Readers will again see the MC go through this routine, and I’d prefer to keep my options open. I intend to use a similar moment after a time jump to show the MC has forgotten his earlier identity.
I’ll be asking for test readers after I complete more of the novel. Thank you, all.
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