also, im aware this is slightly cliche death scene. please tell me if it is an ineffective cliche.

I held her in my arms. Her head lolled back. She wasn’t holding it up anymore. Her arms were carelessly strewn to either side, like she forgot them. She coughed. Her chest expanded with the effort to breathe. “No…not… die.” The words gurgled, like she was talking underwater. Crying, the tears slid back into her hair while her eyes tried to focus. Not dying, wasn’t important anymore. She was gone and everything she wanted or needed went with her. That’s death.
Maybe I should have wiped her tears, said something comforting or even answered back, but I didn’t know what to say to a stranger dying in my arms. I know she wanted to live. I could see it in the way she struggled to breathe, but I hadn’t known what to say to that. Until I saw her struggling, I hadn’t

Thanks!

quote:

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Her head lolled back. She wasn’t holding it up anymore.

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quote:

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like she forgot them....like she was talking underwater

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quote:

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Crying, the tears slid back into her hair while her eyes tried to focus.

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Not dying, wasn’t important anymore.

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I pretty much like the rest. I think it's interesting and I would definately keep reading. Its written to where I'm able to get a pretty good picture of it.

REWRITE P1:
I held her in my arms. She moved her head trying to look at me, but she couldn’t hold it up any longer and it lolled back. Her arms were carelessly strewn to either side, forgotten. She coughed. Her chest expanded with the effort to breathe. “No…not… die.” The words gurgled as if she were talking underwater. The tears slid back into her hair while her eyes tried to focus. Not dying, wasn’t important anymore. She was gone and everything she wanted or needed went with her. That’s death.

question: I am trying to indicate her head was up at one point, please let me know if the change expresses that?

I like that sentance by the way.

I got it!

She says "not dying."
And he says.....

“…She tried to look at me, but her head lolled back” would work. The whole turning her head trying to look is way redundant, like saying “He grabbed her with his hands” or “She thought in her mind”. Unless the dude has multiple arms or a prehensile tail it should just say, “He grabbed her. Ditto for, “She thought”. Everyone thinks with their mind. Hey, no male-bashing either all ye of the dirty minds. Anyhow, in an effort to be too exact when it’s unnecessary the reader will at first think their attention is being drawn to common things because there is something worth paying attention to, something unusual. Then, once they figure out it’s just the author trying to be dramatic, they get annoyed. “He walked in and sat down.” I didn’t have to say he turned the knob or what color the chair was…or that it was a chair. You assumed it. But if I say, “He carefully turned the knob to the right until the door clicked open…” there better be something cool or deadly on the other side of that door.

Having her arms strewn and forgotten evokes visions of them being severed. If that’s the case, then cool. My kind of book.

I cant let you get to know this character, because her death is only important as a flashback haunting the MC. When she dies, she is still a stranger to the MC, although severed arms did sound like a great scene too. That being said, it drives the point home that she doesn't deserve a melodramatic death scene, even if I think their fun.

ReagansGame: Unfortunately people die softly in dystopia, think Soylent Green, or I would add vampires with tommy-gun b/c how hysterically freaking cool would that be!

P1 REVISION:
She died in my arms. Her last words were that she didn’t want to die, but by the time she finished saying them it was too late. Not dying wasn’t important anymore. She was gone and everything she wanted or needed went with her. That’s death.

Oh my, she's dying and that's not important. Why! Tell me what happened now, please.

Starting in the thick of it is always good, but I must say there are plenty of us who love to see the result then solve the mystery for ourselves and watch it all come back 'round. I don't know, maybe it's cheating. My novel starts in present day, which is a prison cell or chatting about his innocence with the shrink and the whole thing is essentially a flash back.