Ethan tried to move his right leg, but his foot was firmly stuck. He pulled as hard as he could with no result. Breathing harder, he had to force himself to remain calm. He was laying on his stomach in a small dark tunnel with his arms stretched out in front of him. The walls were just inches wider then his shoulders, so close to his sides that he couldn’t even reach down to loose the laces on his boot. The ceiling was so low he had been crawling with his head sideways. He had been in worse situations and lived, but not much worse. The light from the Glowball in his hand was slowly dimming. He was resolved not to think about the stories the miners told him about the ghosts in the caves.
posted
Alright ?, I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to being new at this, but here is my unexpert advice:
Breathing harder, he had to force himself to remain calm. One of my tricks when I come across a sentance that starts with VERB-ing, is to rework it. I find this to be a polishing trick and I may be wrong, but I'm just passing it on. It works better for me as a reader and a writer. And I do have an editor who tells me not to use the VERB-ing as an intro to sentances to much. So, instead of "Breathing harder, he..." I recommend something like "He was breathing harder now, and had to force himself to remain calm." The ceiling was so low he had been crawling with his head sideways. "Crawling" gives me the mental image of all fours, like a baby does. The word usage is not wrong, but for me, it shows a more rapid progress than I think your little guy is making. Maybe, "The ceiling was so low he had to drag himself deeper with his head sideways."
That's all I have, yo. It reads pretty good for me.
[This message has been edited by Reagansgame (edited August 28, 2008).]
posted
As a reader, you have put me in an uncomfortable position - confinement. I almost have to keep reading to see if/how he gets out of this situation. I like your intro. I would agree with Reagansgame about the "crawling." I have read comments about opening with participles, but I didn't know that they were frowned upon that harshly - maybe I'll open a discussion in Open Discussions. The statement about the ghosts is somewhat beside the point - I would be more worried about getting out of this situation than whether there were any ghosts there.
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posted
I'm not having a problem with learning about ghosts in the caves at this early point. It ups the stakes and certainly increases the nightmare of being stuck in the dark.
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posted
I don't have a problem with the mention of the ghosts. It really doesn't change my opinion of these thirteen lines - I like them with or without this. Hopefully, the ghosts were mentioned because they are a focal-point of the story. Otherwise, I would be somewhat disappointed that they were mentioned at this juncture.
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