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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Willow Door

   
Author Topic: Willow Door
pixydust
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~~~

Laney stared at the moth fluttering against her window. It tinked and thunked as it bashed its life out against the glass. Just yearning for a little light. Seeking warmth. Like her, it was trapped outside, looking in. No reasoning. No understanding. Just that invisible barrier keeping her from the truth. If only she knew why. What had her dad been trying to hide her from all these years? What was so horrible about her that her whole life needed to be such a secret?

Secrets hurt. Secrets were a prison.

She turned the four locks on her window; one, two, three satisfying clanks as the latches slid free--the fourth took a bit of coercing. It moaned and then thudded as it broke free. She pulled the screw driver out from between her mattresses and

~~~

Hoping this isn't too convoluted. Let me know if it makes sence. Is it easy to feel her train of thought? Or confusing and pointless?

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 08, 2008).]


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Palaytiasdreams
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I like it. I think it flows nicely.

I would however change this

"She turned the four locks on her window; one, two, three satisfying clanks as the latches slid free--the fourth took a bit of coercing."

To simply


She turned the four locks on her window; three satisfying clanks as the latches easily slid free--the fourth took a bit of coercing.

Just my two cents..

Pal...pondering the rest of the story.


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C L Lynn
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First paragraph, I was turned off by all the angst and despair, but b/c of that, the last paragraph caused me to have an unexpected reaction. I darn near cried at "flecks of Evergreen Mist and wood showering the floor." A beautifully worded glimpse of hope that would keep me reading.

As to your question, I follow her train of thought very well. Makes *too* much sense for those who have been there. Sad state of mind to be in.

[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited September 08, 2008).]


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MrsBrown
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Beautiful! You nailed it.

Nits:

Agree with the first person's comment, without the word "easily".

I expected "hide from her", not "hide her from". Is it intentional?


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Nifty
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I really like it, the only problem I had was reading the line "What had her dad been trying to hide her from all these years?" I had to go back and read it again. The wording is unexpected. It's a great opening though.
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