posted
This is a third-person, because I guess insofar as my second novel transcript submitted and I guess that first-person is not my forte. And it is 12 lines on my computer.
As she hid behind an oak stump, sweating and petrified, she thought about her life as a slave to her white owners, Cliff and Clyde. They have oppressed me long enough. I will be a slave no longer.
She thought about the forest, deep and intimidating, with the setting moon casting a devilishly long shadow that danced near her cracked and bare feet. She pondered whether or not it was worth the risk to run in the open and possibly get shot, but the reward of freedom highly outweighed death. She looked at the house, a look of hatred and malice flashing on her face as the words good riddance went through her mind. She returned her focus to the forest as the front door opened and a light poured forth as if spilled from a cauldron. "Where is that damn woman
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 15, 2008).]
posted
Hmmmm, I usually hate 1st person POV, but this seems like one of the times when it would work very well since this person is a sympathetic character, an underdog, and as long as she's of the educated slave class I'd like to hear from her personally. If you can pull off the slave dialect without it sounding like a parody or insult that'd be even better.
That being said, even in 3rd person the narrative should be in her POV, which it isn't really right now. This has a cinematic quality to it. We're getting camera shots of her face, not the emotion in her gut. And why isn't her name revealed?
Lastly, it looks like you might be starting in the wrong place. If you intend to let us know how bad the masters were please don't do it in flashback. Please. And if she's going to tell someone and that's how we find out...booorrringgggggg. Show us. Start with that straw that broke the camel's back. Don't rely on the, "But of course they're evil, they're slavemasters" either. Yeah, slavery was dispicable, but I want to be shown how evil it and the slavemasters are.
[This message has been edited by SolarStone (edited September 15, 2008).]
posted
Dante, The usual method for posting a revision is to put it at the bottom of your original thread. That makes it easier to compare your two (or more) versions.
SolarStone and annepin pretty much covered it. It's better, but I'm not sure the switch from 1st to 3rd helped much. You are still telling us too much about the Main Character's (MC's) thoughts. I suspect you are at a point where repeated attempts to improve a short passage will be to your benefit, so keep trying!
Have you been reading the crits on other people's threads? That has taught me a lot.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 17, 2008).]
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Hm... I actually thought the switch helped, but maybe I'm biases since it was my suggestions. But you're still telling too much. When you're embedded in 3rd you don't need to say "she thought" or "she felt" because it's assumed we're in her head, and therefore, she's the one thinking and feeling.
As she hid behind an oak stump, sweating and petrified, she thought about her life as a slave to her white owners, Cliff and Clyde. They have oppressed me long enough. I will be a slave no longer.Okay, this feels artificial and forced to me. The thought in first person is so sudden.
She thought about the forest, deep and intimidating, with the setting moon casting a devilishly long shadow that danced near her cracked and bare feet Maybe instead of thinking about the forest it could just loom in front of her or something. Each time you have "she thought" you take the reader one step further away from your character, reminding them of the textual barriers. She pondered whether or not it was worth the risk to run in the open and possibly get shot Maybe you can just dive in and tells us. "It was a good hundred yards to the edge of the forest, but in the meadow she would be vulnerable. She glanced at the house. Cliff's window was dark, but she shivered to remember the shot gut he kept on the side of his bed. Nell had tried to escape once. Now Nell walked around with a limp, a bullet embedded in her knee., but the reward of freedom highly outweighed death Don't even need to tell us this. It's pretty obvious.. She looked at the house, a look of hatred and malice flashing on her face Breaking POV here. How can she know what's on her face? as the words good riddance went through her mind This seems pretty weak compared to her other thoughts. Is she trying to bolster her courage? It might work then, but it doesn't really come through strongly enough here. She returned her focus to the forest as the front door opened and a light poured forth as if spilled from a cauldron Nice. Not sure if the analogy to a cauldron works, but I like that there is finally some action besides what's in her head. "Where is that damn woman
In a situation like this I think the reader can pick up on a lot of things very quickly. If she's a slave on the point of escape we can quickly understand her desire to be free and to run away, combined with her fear of people. I feel like you spend a lot of time delving into her head, thus killing the action. Better to let the scene unfold. Better to show things through dramatization rather than through internal dialogue, reflection, or narration, IMO.
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