Entering an antique shop is like probing the mind of a dead man. It’s a tomb laid bare to examine the treasures of his waking days. Each piece has a story to tell; how it got there, by whom, when, how many hands it’s passed through. They are observers of our shifting world, sitting patiently through wars, withholding judgement on things done in secret in rooms where no one seems to be watching, listening to intimate whisperings shared between two people for whom no one else exists. I can’t help but look at the shopkeeper with distaste. Here are countless Rapunzels aging prettily, their silvering hair let down but no true knight to rescue them, no one worthy to pay the ransom their captor asks. This one is particularly vulgar.
posted
Lovely imagery, but too flowery for my taste for the start of a novel. I probably would not keep reading, but maybe it could work if it was cut shorter. I do like the opening sentence, and it can't stand alone.
I could see this reduced to a short commentary (no characters or setting) to put in italics as a chapter heading. Or perhaps snip it waaay down to one or two thoughts interspersed in the opening scene. Just my opinion.
If the objects can somehow reveal their secrets to this character, if he has a way of communicating with them, that would be cool. That would explain the language. If that is the intent, maybe make it explicit?
In the last line, I assume "this one" refers to the shopkeeper, but it also seems like it *might* be referring to an antique.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 16, 2008).]
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As an antique/secondhand shop owner, I'll try to remain impartial.
I agree with Mrs. Brown in that the description is too much and for the most part it is something a reader would probably already know, i.e. items found in antique shops, history, people who used certain items etc.
My problem with the entire first 13 is focus. Is the story going to be about the shop (ghosts, mystical items, supernatural forces?), the shopkeeper (why distaste? Is the keeper a non-believer of what goes on in the shop or just dismissive?), the beings that watch people, the person who looks at the vulgar item or the vulgar item itself? How do all these things tie in together?
It is all right, in the first 13, to set up the reader and have them asking a few questions. In this case, I would probably read a few pages and if I was still in the dark I'd quit. In my opinion, authors who keep you in the dark for long periods of time give the impression they are in the dark as well. I like a little more confidence in the writing. Then I know at least the author knows where his/her story is going even if I don't yet.
At least throw a few bread crumbs on the right trail so the reader has a focus. If not in the first 13 then immediately after it. Otherwise, I liked the actual writing itself.
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I personally really enjoy the language of this paragraph. It gives some insight into the personality of the narrator. I'm assuming that this is a first person narrative? Although I dislike first person for the most part, I think that you could make it work if you gave the narration this much personality throughout the entire novel.
I also really like the descriptions you gave. Antique stores are not a setting that everyone is familiar with, and you painted a very interesting picture.
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Otherwise, I liked the actual writing itself.
