Thanks.

Jalayna sidestepped the young man’s hand when it darted out in her direction, but the good wine and ale that had loosened his tongue had also spoiled his aim. She’d had ample opportunity to learn how to handle the heavy pitcher filled to the brim with her master’s best ale and stay out of reach of the men with things other than drink on their minds. It was late, but the castle’s celebrants had kept up a rowdy chatter for the better part of the night.

She threw a quick glance toward the banquet hall’s high table. It seemed Master Lanok preferred her services over any of his other slaves. His favorite wife sat by his side. Lady Drea must have been close to middle age but could still draw an appreciative eye. Jalayna smiled with thoughts of how much

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Okay, so how does this sound?...

Revised First 13; Oct. 4, 2008:

Jalayna caught a glimpse of the young man’s hand when it darted out in her direction. Praise the Spirits that too much wine managed to spoil his aim. The tournament feast had given her ample opportunity to learn how to stay out of reach of men with things other than drink on their minds. It’d also given her time to learn how to balance the heavy ale pitcher and still make her way among the crowded tables.

Her gaze drifted toward Master Lanok in case he required her to refill his goblet. For some reason he seemed to prefer her services more than any of his other slaves this night. There he was seated at the high table near the front of the banquet hall with his favorite wife by his side.

Lady Drea must have been close to middle age but could

As another example, mention of Master Lanok's preference for Jalayna's services is sandwiched between mention of the high table and Lady Drea. I don't understand the connection.

I would remove the "but" from the first sentence and increase its cohesiveness.

"She had ample opportunity to learn..." I could assume that she is young because men are trying to grope her, but I may be wrong. I could also assume that she was born into slavery, so she has been serving Master Lanok her entire life. Still, if her age were hinted at, I could form a better picture of Jalayna.

Assuming the hook is the hint of a relationship between Jalayna and Lanok, I'm afraid it's not strong enough for me. I can't get pulled into a story by romance between characters though, so I may not be the best person to listen to.

Also why Master Lanok is interested in Jalayna and why his favorite wife is not interfering comes out in the next page or two. I feel I have more room to play around with this due to the story being a novel and not a short story. Thank you for your comments, and I have to admit that I never thought of the jealous wife angle, though it wouldn't be feasible to use it in my storyline due to the type of civilization it's in.
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kevindouglas; It's my turn to thank you. I try very hard to come up with something unique for each new member. You can thank Kathleen for the tree house idea. It's definitely given me something more to work with when welcoming new members to Hatrack.

I totally agree about the first sentence and have corrected it. I'll try to post an updated first 13 sometime soon. Because none of my characters are Earthers, I try to leave age out of the story. I never did decide on how long the life span of my interplanetary races should be... except for one, but that's another story. Everything you have questioned about Jalayna is revealed within a few pages from the first 13. After all, this is a novel and not a short story.

Oh my! A love affair between Lanok and Jalayna? Maybe I ought to send you the entire chapter. It's only 12 to 13 pages. What happens between Jalayna and her master is the exact opposite of what you are proposing. Personally, I hate mushy romance stories.

Passive voice happens in basically two ways: when the object of a normal sentence becomes the subject of the sentence, or when the predicate has no nominative.

The passive version of "the dog bit the man" in the first way is "the man was bitten by the dog" and in the second way is "the man was bitten."

Sentences that use "had" or "was" are not passive, they are "static."

For a list of topics that discuss passive voice, please go here:

You are correct that static verbs are something writers should watch out for, though, and so you didn't really need to apologize to Crystal. I apologize for giving you that impression.

Crystal here's my feedback on your rewrite. I actually liked the first version of the first sentence better because of the word'sidestepped'. It provided me with a very strong active image. I missed it in the rewrite. Also I think you need it since your next sentence states that Jalayna learned to dodge the drunk guys at the feast. In the sentence about her learning to dodge you could just say 'the tournament feast gave' rather than 'had given' and in the sentence after that you could just say 'it also gave her time' rather than 'it'd given her time' It reads a little stronger that way.

The last full sentence of the opening doesn't need the word 'There' You could just start the sentence with the word 'He'. Perhaps you could give the reader a little information about what the feast and tournament are for. Not necessary, but it might give the reader a way to orient themselves as to time and place. For instance if you said it was a feast and tournament to celebrate Samhain then that would tell the reader that this is likely taking place in Britain during the time of the Druids. However, if you say they are for something unfamiliar like GobbleWobble to celebrate the apex of the two moons then your reader would know that they are reading about an unfamiliar society on another planet.

Now that I go back a re-read the first sentence, I agree that "side stepped" does form a stronger picture. I'll put it back in.