posted
This is a book I've just started typing. I have about 120 pages written but I'm not sure about the typed length. It is going to probably going to be about 100,000 words when I am finished. It is a Sci-fi book. Any comments or suggestions on the first 13 lines of the chapter would be appreciated. Thanks
Chapter one – 156 a.c. (after colonization) The slight breeze blew through the tall grass, causing it to ripple like a golden ocean. The workers stopped briefly to stretch their aching backs and wipe the sweat from their foreheads. The brightness from the three suns forced them to lift their hands in order to cover their eyes from the glare of the second sun, which was currently at its zenith. “No breaks,” a loud voice boomed from above them. Instantly all the workers again bowed their backs, picked up their tools and began to till the ground. They were readying the dirt for the necessary nutrients and minerals needed to grow, anything. “No breaks,” another voice shouted from the long dirt road beside the field.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 25, 2008).]
posted
I’m not hooked yet. Can you introduce this scene from the point of view (POV) of one of the workers or overseers? As it is, I picture all the workers doing the same thing (synchronized movements, no individuation). A character is usually more interesting to me than the setting, especially when I’ve seen this type of setting before. Oppression is a good problem to overcome; I really do want to care
A.C. is clever, but not sure I buy that they would change their time reference after less than two centuries?
Tall grass -- tilling ground -- readying for nutrients; this sounds progressive. The grass makes me think the workers are starting to clear a new field. I think a field must be cleared before it can be tilled. If the grass is native, can it be turned into the soil (for nutrients) or does it need to be cleared away?
“picked up their tools and began” -> can you name the specific tool? I think they continued (rather than began).
Repetition slows it down: backs, brightness/glare, three suns/second sun, “No breaks”.
Do keep at it to let your wonderful story shine through
posted
I agree with MrsBrown--I'm not hooked, but it shows promise. IMHO, I would focus on a character right away--show me the aching back, etc. so I feel some of the character's pain.
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posted
Thanks for the feedback. The first chapter of the book is setting up one of the main characters, sort of showing the beginning of what shaped her. Do you think maybe I should start with her and then do the first part of chapter one as a flashback? Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
this is my first crit so go easy on me lol... First of all, the mind picture I got was a desert scene, possibly Egypt until I saw the 3 suns, OK, another world. Then a voice out of the heavens? A loudspeaker? Was it amplified? I felt a little empathy for the workers, but didn't connect with any because of the omni pov. Just how important is it to establish a connection to your MC in the first 13 lines? Who is your main character? I would read on to find out and the world you have created piques my interest (I have a 2 sun desert world story in progress )
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