posted
When Pige was five years old, Eldfjall grumbled to life and spewed fire into the night. Pige's mother, Ema, pulled Pige close. "It will be alright, Pige," said Ema. "Eldfjall is far away and cannot hurt us here." The cool breeze carried the stench of burning sulfur through the cottage window. Pige's younger brother Dreng sniffed the tension. For reassurance, his father Otec exaggerated a crude grin, clapped his hands, and winked at the boy. Dreng laughed and toddled to the window for a better view of the fireworks. Pige watched her brother giggle and point. She resolved that she would never be afraid again; but for tonight, with flaming patterns reflected in her wide eyes, she clung secure to her mother's embrace.
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Hm. This is interesting...not my type of story, but I am getting a definite feel for it.
It can be hard, if you start off with earth-shaking (literally, in this case) events, then to go on, unless, we soon see the relevance to the next scenes. Maybe I'm making the wrong assumption, that they are fine during the eruption. Likewise, though this is very good building some of the personality of both the characters and the world, if it ends with Pige's family dead...I'm going to be thinking, 'not again'.
Got a plot summary for me to think about? I think your opening's good writing-wise.
... Oh, small note, though. The name of the mountain/god/what-have-you. Does it *have* to be unpronounceable? I know it's a venerable tradition, but it seems too Unpronounceable Fantasy Name, right off the bat.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited December 29, 2008).]
Although the beginning may sound like Fantasy (there are swords but no sorcery), the story leans to the SF side.
Eldfjall is Icelandic for volcano.
I did not realize when I posted these 13 lines that you could include other information in the post. I have an outline, and I am about half way through this 60,000 word project.
Briefly, Chapter 1 introduces Pige and ends with her as an 11 year-old finding an iridescent salamander and being caught in the 1000 degree pyroclastic flow; her family's fate remains uncertain.
Chapter 2 introduces a 20,000 year old wisp of playful curiosity named Henki with the ability to mimic the complete life of any life form. Today, he impersonates an iridescent salamander. Pige finds him. When the volcano erupts, Henki inadvertantly saves Pige as he "saves" himself. The two are bound together, more tightly than Henki can untangle.
The bulk of the novel takes place in two alien cultures (Peopled by the Vanhem Pi race and their enemies, the Piktas). As Pige grows with the Vanhem Pi, her bond to Henki gives her insight (vision) into the life forms that Henki has previously imitated.
Since I am new to this forum, I appreciate any comments or suggestions about this "hook" or about the use of the forum.
Real languages, bah. ^_^ It looked like one (and sounded obviously Norse-ish to me, but then, ever since Tolkien plenty of fantasy languages borrow the spelling patterns) but I had to ask.
Now SF starting off like that...that's cool. A hint sooner rather than later may be good. Don't leave the Cool out of the first hook! Not that I'm opposed to slow building, but I love hints.
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I don't know how to pronounce Icelandic, so I don't know whether it's "Peedge" or "Peeg" or even "Pyge". I wouldn't mind for a secondary character but for the MC it's hard to get past.
With the sniffed tension and the exaggerated crude grin, I wondered if the characters were human or alien. Not sure if that was the intent.
Why did she resolve that she would never be afraid again, because she was ashamed to be scared while her brother was giggling? It seems odd that she'd resolve it for the future rather than right away - pretty forward-thinking for a five year old.
I'm interested based on what you said about chapters one and two, but not so much for the first 13 lines. That may be okay for a novel, because I would have been able to gather the bit about the binding with Henki from the cover and book jacket blurb.
I understand your concern about pronouncing foreign names, I have a similar problem with Greek.
However, Pige is not Icelandic. Pige is Danish (modern) and Anglo-Saxon for "girl." From the very, very little I know of Danish, I don't think "g" is usually pronounced or else is very soft and "i" tends to sound like "eh." I have no idea what the effect of the trailing "e" is in Danish pronunciation, but it does keep the "g" from being at the end which causes a whole different sound.
I usually don't worry about pronouncing a written name unless I have been told that it is from a specific language or I suspect a country of origin. I prefer to emulate Byron in Don Juan. Here is Texas, we know that Juan can sound almost oriental - Won - and we certainly don't pronounce it like Byron (unless you are reading the poem in English class). Moreover, there are people named "Jones" in Mexico, but they pronounce it "Ho-nez."
So I would anglicize (Anglo-Saxonize?) the pronunciation based on the spelling. This means that I would take the trailing "e" to modify the "i" sound in "pig" to something less swine-like. I would pronounce "Pige" as if it were a truncation of "pigeon." Is that correct? I don't know, but it appeals to a bird-like image in my imagination. However, anyone reading this aloud can pronounce it however they think best. Pige doesn't mind.
I had to trim about 15 lines from the middle to get to the 13 line limit. I don't know whether that would have made the family more human and less alien. Actually, I like the ambiguity at this point, but it would be presumptuous of me to claim "intent."
As for Pige's vow to never be afraid again: I hoped to set some character trait for determination, but like the determination of a cigarette smoker vowing to quit, sometimes they can't put away that "last" smoke and hence quitting is always in the future. Still, I will think about the line some more.
I agree with your last comment. This was my first post and I did not realize that you could "blurb" additional information to give the 13 lines some context. I am still struggling with presentation strategy on this point to get the best feedback.
Speaking of feedback, thanks Pyraxis. I take your comments seriously and they give me insight into some of the revisions I need to make.
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