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Here's the beginning, (heavily) edited once after I read RDF's post. It's not as short as RDF suggested, but I like that whole sense of setting the scene, showing how tranquil the area would be, if not for the mess that it zooms in to.

Also, the original post ended at the reveal of the bodies, so the next paragraph wasn't there. This will, hopefully, bring the story along a bit more in the fragment, and will mean that I won't need a 'context' blurb immediately after.

Let's see what you all think, eh?

A couple of dead bodies are good attention grabbers, but I would prefer that they were not delayed until the third paragraph.

Let me rearrange a little of what you wrote to show you what I mean:

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The setting sun managed a last glare across the lonely road and stretched long shadows from low bushes and stubby trees. In a few minutes it would have been too dark for MC to see the two bodies lying off the road, their throats ripped out, their eyes torn free of their sockets.
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I am not proposing these words, just that the crux of the action be up front.

I do have some style suggestions on your original that you can take or leave as you see fit.

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>The sun was sinking toward the horizon,

The setting sun?

> but not cold, and local wildlife flitted about, birds in the >sky, rabbits and rodents on the ground.
>A single road cut through this land, the only sign of >civilization, as it were.

I could have done without any of this, or had it blended with some action.

>It was perfectly straight, rising and falling with the land,

perfectly? Not if it rises and falls.

>It was wide and level,

level? See comment about perfectly.

IMHO, all the above description just slows the revelation of bodies. The descriptions would seem more natural to me if they were part of the MC exploring the dead bodies and wrecked cargo.

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I'm new to this forum, but as I have recently discovered it's okay to provide some context for your 13 lines (something I did not do on my own first 13 lines). So assuming that two dead bodies on a lonely road grabs my interest, where do you plan to go next? I assume some of where you going is with the MC in the "next" paragraph, so if you tightened up the descriptions, perhaps there would be more room to include the MC in your 13 lines. (Alternatively, an attached story blurb might help).

Anyway, brutalized bodies seem like a good start to me, so keep on writing. I hope that some of the comments I have made (expressing my biases and opinions) may be of some small use to you. Thanks for letting me read this. Thinking about what you wrote has taught me a lot.

cordially,

[This message has been edited by RDF (edited December 31, 2008).]

As for the actual context, I'm going to edit the original post shortly to include that, as well as some other changes that you've made me think of.

While I do agree with your problem with 'perfectly,' it's meant to emphasize that, while it does rise and fall, there is no left/right deviation at all. Then again, while typing this, I came up with another way to describe it, to emphasize its unusually specific nature.

Thanks a lot for your feedback, it's gotten me thinking again.

Kirona

P.S. While starting the edit mentioned above, I've discovered that my browser window seems to have been acting strange lately. When I originally posted, the entire fragment occupied 13 lines. Now, it appears to occupy 14. Any thoughts on that would be wonderful - do note, however, that I'm working on a Mac, using FireFox, and I've never used Safari (Apple's version of IE). Also, this may be because I've been forced to boot this computer in safe mode for the last few days due to damaged drivers.

P.P.S. I've done a bit of experimenting. The scroll bar on the right of this text box *is* pushing text over in my browser, which forces the fragment into line 14. As such, I just need to make sure I accomodate that wonderful little quirk, lest I find a sentence or so lopped off when our wonderful moderator comes through. :P

[This message has been edited by Kirona (edited January 01, 2009).]

I like your revision, but here is another tip: you might look at how member Unwritten "Terra's Gate" added to the original 13 lines intact by posting the revised 13 lines below it for comment. It just makes it easier for people to compare. They might like something in the original better than the revised. It certainly gives you more options.

One other thought, and it may not apply because this is only a guess based on your title: It would be interesting if you could figure out a little foreshadow for the witchery in the first 13 lines. Tough I know. But from your original, instead of looking at the calling number, suppose she answered "Mom" and then wondered how she knew that? If you are going some other direction I appologize for the distraction.

Keep at it,

If not, I'm very, very confused.

Heh, I need to get back into the swing of things, it seems.

Also, would it still hook you to know it's supposed to be a fantasy novel, and that the 'monster' is an insane gryphon?