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Author Topic: Draco War
dreadlord
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Drake cried.

in his dream, swords clashed, men in armor hacked at a force twice their size, strange flashes took out huge swathes of both sides. In his dream there was blood, dust, and hatred.

But he did not cry because of this. Because of noble men falling at the hand of skeletons, living beyond the grave. He cried because of one warrior, who fought another, like two champions in an arena, to the death.

They were masters of the blade, striking out with volleys of blows that appeared to be just shimmering rays of light. as they fought, they screamed insults that were sharper than their swords.

Then, with a scream of rage, they stabbed each other through the chest.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 05, 2009).]


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Bent Tree
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Some may say, "Waking from a dream cliche" , but this one worked for me. I liked the intro and found no fault with it.

Draco reminds me of many things though; "Draco Tavern, Enemy Mine, etc..." Just a though. Good work.


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BenM
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Drake cried.
in his dream,

The lack of sentence capitalisation here and
rays of light. as they fought,
here is distracting.

Drakes scream
Drake's

they stabbed each other
When I hear 'stab' I mentally visualise knives, not swords. I would also suggest showing it 'thrusting their swords' rather than telling 'stabbed' what happened.

Drakes scream was of pure terror, he sat straight up in
This appears to be a run-on sentence; I'd have started a new sentence with He.

he sat straight up in the bed of the orphanage that he had lived in his entire life, in downtown London.
Among other thoughts about this sentence, adding in downtown London as an afterthought breaks the continuity for me. If it was something like bed of the downtown London orphanage it might flow better.

Personally though, I find the last paragraph (sentence) a little confusing.
Drakes scream was of pure terror, he sat straight up in the bed of the orphanage that he had lived in his entire life, in downtown London.
consists of five things:
- Drake's scream of pure terror (action)
- he sat straight up (action)
- he's in a bed in an orphanage
- he's lived there his entire life
- it's in downtown London
Depending on how you wanted this to flow I would suggest combining both actions, or splitting them up, or doing any number of things, ie...
Drake's scream was of pure terror, pulling him out of his dream. He felt the sheets of the orphanage bed, tugging him into consciousness. He sat straight up, wide awake. The orphanage room was as it had always been, the nighttime sounds of London muted behind its windows. [mix the actions and motivations up a bit]
or
Drake sat straight up, screaming in pure terror. Now fully awake, he saw the familiar London orphanage around him, its walls the constant boundary of his life. [combine all the actions to the start of the paragraph, then explain the motivation for what comes after]


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Christian
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quote:
Drake cried. in his dream, swords clashed, men in armor hacked at a force twice their size, strange flashes took out huge swathes of both sides. In his dream there was blood, dust, and hatred.

I'm one of the people Bent Tree was talking about...the whole dream thing...It would have to be one H$ll of a dream for me to keep reading after "in his dream...". But...that's a personal bias I have.
That said, I would try starting like this:

On the field, swords clashed and armored men fought desparately with a force twice their size. Strange [ADD SOME DESCRIPTION HERE bluish light flashed and took out huge swathes of soldiers on both sides. There was blood, dust, and hatred.

I think the last sentence needs more, but I can't think of what it is at this moment.

quote:

But he did not cry because of this. Because of noble men falling at the hand of skeletons, living beyond the grave. He cried because of one warrior, who fought another, like two champions in an arena, to the death.

I have a little problem with the next section because the skeletons seemed to come out of nowhere. When you described the battle you didn't mention any skeletons, as a reader, I would expect the important parts of the battle to be told to me. And skeletons that try to kill people seem like an important bit to skip over. It's kind of a medium with a message from a dead loved one. The medium says He wants me to tell you he misses the cat...Fluffy. He wants me to tell you to feed him. Then as you leave, they say. Oh yeah, there was something about a swiss bank account with millions in it, but don't forget to feed that damn cat. And of course they fought to the death (it's war). I would remove this sentence.

That being said:

Here I would say something like:


And two men embodied that hatred. They fought like blademasters, lashing out at one another as fast as vipers striking prey; their weapons hit with the force of mountains clashing, showering sparks onto the field.


quote:

They were masters of the blade, striking out with volleys of blows that appeared to be just shimmering rays of light. as they fought, they screamed insults that were sharper than their swords.

Then, with a scream of rage, they stabbed each other through the chest.


I would leave out the rest. It doesn't seem realistic that they would stab each other through the chest, especially if they're supposed to be masters of the blade.

[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 06, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Christian (edited February 06, 2009).]


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