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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Demonmachy-Chapter Ten

   
Author Topic: Demonmachy-Chapter Ten
Brant Danay
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Current version 4/10/2009

Jackal-headed harpies gathered around the limp form of the unconscious Necrodelic, their small breasts dangling and waving back and forth as they lapped up the shimmering, viscous synthesis of blood, drugs, and filth seeping from his supine body. Their long brown hair became matted with the thick melange as they dragged their tresses unheeding through the rancid oasis, their pointed lupine ears twitching, their serpents' tongues flickering in and out while they drank. Vampire bats fluttered into the corridor. In the shadows of their wings sable leeches the size of hellhounds inched forward. Foul and stunted demons crawled forth from the innards of the sewers, tempted by the sight and smell of drugs. Giant larvae and black, anaconda-sized maggots emerged from the walls,

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 31, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited April 10, 2009).]


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Owasm
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quote:
Giant larvae and black, anaconda-sized maggots squirmed from corners and cracks in the walls,

Another amazing visual. The problem with this one is that there just isn't enough of the Necrodelic to go around to feed all of these gigantic creatures. How can all these massive creatures live in corners and cracks?


It's all visual and no action.


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Dogmatic
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I liked individual moments of imagery but I think it was too much. Believe me I've been accused of the same so I'm talking from the standpoint of someone who likes too much imagery.

But I think it's like being in a room with patterned wallpaper, striped furniture, checkered floors, and paintings with ornate frames everywhere, nothing stands out. Pick and choose the items that you want to focus on and pull back on a few of the others.


I don't know the rest of the story but a possible example:
Jackal-headed harpies gathered around the limp, unconscious Necrodelic, their small breasts dangling and waving back and forth as they lapped up the// filth from his supine form.


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Brant Danay
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Just recalibrating my chapter order...new entry coming soon...same demon-time...same demon-channel...
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