Black smoke filled the distant sky and Turok quickened his pace towards the orange glow. The air carried with it an ominess silence and Turok knew that the night had been a dreadful one. The forest creatures must have scattered. He just hoped that Baldrok City hadn’t already fallen to the advances of the Dreth. Perhaps he was too late.
Moving through the undergrowth, Turok flared his nostrils as the ashen smell of a burning city grew stronger. Black clouds ploomed ever closer. Turok imagined the thousands upon thousands of innocent people screaming at the advances of the villanious Dreth, as they hacked and slashed and raped their way through the city. His city, his people. Turok let out a gutteral roar, a primal scream that echoed off the trees and

[[PLease find the new version further down the page]]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 30, 2009).]

You've used 'ploomed' incorrectly.

The flow is OK. I found it a little preposterous that if there were thousands upon thousands of people, that some surely would have run into Turok fleeing the city.

I also found Turok a little thick if there was an orange glow on the horizon that he even thought he was late... he had to know it. Also when he thinks of the rape and pillage, then he lets out a roar didn't seem to help that feeling.

I am unsure that I'd want to continue. Turok, at this point, is just a dumb big guy the way I read the opening.

The setting is melodramatic and Turok can do little if there are thousands of the dread Dreth in his city. In the last sentence you used 'mighty' and 'powerful' in the same sentence which seemed a bit redundant.

Melodramatic is a good description; like a comic book. I’d leave out his roar. It’s overdone, with words like villainous, upon thousands, hacked and slashed and raped, mighty. "Dreth" is too close to death. (I'd skip the forest creatures too.)

I'd like Turok to feel a little more real. Right now he sounds a bit like a superhero arriving too late. I like the idea of adding a refugee; maybe a scene where he finds out the fate of his people and realizes the futility of his effort, but then he still goes on (although the burning city is clear enough; I agree he has to *know* he's too late). Something to make him more approachable as a person. Is there someone in particular for whom he is afraid?

It may be too difficult to start here; to help us get to know and care about the character at the same time that you introduce a problem of this magnitude. I suspect it would be more effective to have us meet him in calmer circumstances, with a smaller problem. This scene sounds like it should come later, after you've built up to it.

Keep at it, because I like the idea, and I want to feel for your character.

Please find the following paragraph. Is this too much for an opening? Should I keep it more simple? PLease feedback on the following in whatever way. Many thanks!

Moseph the inn keeper stood behind the bar of the Sundial Tavern, mopping the sweat from his balding forehead. The tavern had never seen so many people in all its fifty years, and the crowd was growing. The gathered villagers were nervous, eager to hear the news that Captain Flaminus had brought from the Battle of Kayen. The fate of the whole village was relying upon victory, if Captain Flaminus were to announce the Kings defeat, the people would be forced to abandon their homes and run north before the Malanites further invaded their land. Moseph thought for his son Vorenus whom had found himself drafted into the King’s infantry on the reserve line. His forehead crinkled with worry and continued to drip profusely. The crowds chatter died down suddenly, and Moseph followed the turning heads of the

[[Please find updated version further down the page]]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 01, 2009).]

quote:

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(1)Moseph the inn keeper stood behind the bar of the Sundial Tavern, mopping the sweat from his balding forehead. The tavern had never seen so many people in all its fifty years, and the crowd was growing. The gathered villagers were nervous, (2)eager to hear the news that (3)Captain Flaminus had brought from the Battle of Kayen. (4)The fate of the whole village was relying upon victory, if (5)Captain Flaminus were to announce the (6)Kings defeat, the people would be forced to abandon their homes and run north before the (7)Malanites further invaded their land. (8)Moseph thought for his son Vorenus whom had found himself drafted into the King’s infantry on the reserve line. His forehead crinkled with worry and (9)continued to drip profusely. (10)The crowds chatter died down suddenly, and Moseph followed the turning heads of the

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1) I liked the first couple of sentences, which consisted of some light action and some motivation in the form of gentle exposition. Nice.

2) Nervous and eager - for me, it works, and yet it doesn't. I'd consider replacing 'eager' - which in my mind is an anticipation of something positive - with something more indicative of anxiety.

3) I smirked at this name. I wonder if Flaminus got teased at school - you know, like, 'Hey Flame-a*us...'. I also wondered if the narrator needs to call him 'Captain Flaminus', or if he could have just called him by name - 'Flaminus' (since the pov character is familiar with Flaminus) or by title - 'the Captain'. It's always a hard thing though with fragments, since I don't know what role Flaminus will have in the story, so don't have a hard opinion on it either way.

4) This sentence felt like too much exposition.

5) I'd also expect the narrator to pick either 'the Captain' or 'Flaminus' on this sentence, rather than calling him the full 'Captain Flaminus' the second time around. I wonder if you even could get away with just using 'he'.

6) King's if there's only one King, Kings' if there's two or more. I assume that's what you mean.

7) A red flag for me, in that I say 'who'? The relationship of the Malanites to the MC - be they a neighbouring country, sea-farers, or perhaps just organised criminals - felt like it needs its own careful exposition somewhere. Also, the name, followed by a reminder of Moseph, makes me wonder if these names are modified from the Bible - like the Ammonites and the Caananites, or Joseph.

8) I'm just not sure about this way of describing the character's concern over his son. I suspect you could combine everything from "The fate" to "the reserve line" in one sentence that shows the peril to Vorenus, the concern to his father, and the potential devastation to the village.

9) So far the main character's only action has been mopping his forehead, and his only physical feature described is his forehead, so I'm not sure that it's necessary to restate either here.

10) Of course I don't know what happens next, so this is just a stab in the dark - but it seems like this is introducing a new event - should it be a new paragraph?

I'm much more interested in Moseph than I was in Turok...

That said, I think I'd like to see him in action (talking to the captain, maybe, or one of the customers who's come to hear the captain) starting where BenM numbered (4). The first two lines are interesting, the rest is information that can be woven into the story later, IMHO.

Moseph [the inn keeper] stood behind the bar of the Sundial Tavern, mopping the sweat from his balding forehead. The tavern had never seen so many people in all its fifty years, and the crowd was growing. <I like this so far, but: either the bar is closed, or he should be busy with so many customers.> The gathered villagers [were nervous,] awaited [eager to hear] the news that Captain Flaminus [had] brought from the battlefront [of Kayen]. [The fate of the whole village was relying upon victory, if Captain Flaminus were to announce the Kings defeat, the people] Would they be forced to abandon their homes and run north before the Malanites? [further invaded their land]. Moseph feared for his son Vorenus, [whom had found himself drafted into] on the King’s infantry [on the] reserve line. [His forehead crinkled with worry and continued to drip profusely.]

The [crowds] chatter died [down] suddenly, and Moseph [followed the turning heads of the] looked

The political situation can wait for the captain's report. I don't want too many names at once (people, places, etc.). I suspect its too early for a battle to have a Name.

I’m a tad curious why they have gathered. Did a messenger tell them to gather? Is he around? Why won’t he tell them anything? Not terribly important, you can leave it out.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 05, 2009).]

What if you give us Moseph--or your other guy--himself? Not his thoughts, not his background, but just him. This guy who is in some particular place doing some particular thing while maybe talking to (or listening to) some particular people. In other words, the old, "Don't tell me, show me."

So, for instance, instead of telling us he's an innkeeper, have him pour a drink or wipe down a table. Why is he sweating? Because the room is so crowded? Or because he's worried? Or maybe because he's too fat to be working so hard? Is he going to be a character throughout the book? Or is he just there to introduce us to some other character? If the former, let us inside his skin more. Let us see and feel and smell what he does. If he isn't a major character, drop him and start with someone more important.

If he's been innkeeper all his life and the inn is a family tradition, he probably knows some, if not all, of his customers by name . . . I would expect him to interact with at least one of them.

Many thanks again, all your feedback was most constructive and encouraging.

On a side-note to BenM, coming up with names is always a struggle! I hadn't even thought of Flaminus' rectal connection! Well noticed! :-) His name was one of the first things to go.

Moseph the inn keeper stood beside the bar of the Sundial Tavern, mopping the sweat from his balding forehead. The tavern had never seen so many people in all its fifty years, and the crowd was growing. Villagers from all over Kayen were gathering with anticipation to hear what news Captain Publius had brought from the northern border. As far as the villagers were concerned, the King's army were still holding ground over their neighbouring enemy, the Ayoush. If Publius were to bring news of potential defeat, however, they would be forced to flee south immediately before the armies reached the small villages of Kayen. If rumors were to be believed, the barbarous Ayoush would leave nothing in their wake.
Moseph worried for his son Vorenus, stationed on the King's