posted
I am not sure whether to give you the first thirteen lines of the 'story' story or the preface which is fairly large, as such things go. But important, I think.
The dragon doesn't show up until the 'story' story!
Here is the first paragraph of the preface, not quite thirteen lines:
Every nation follows the same inevitable slide into despotism. Those individuals who crave to rule are only ever opposed, in time, by others of the same ilk; the rest of us, the ones they both wish to farm like mink, rarely spend much time worrying over who sits in the seats of power, being occupied with our lives and lacking the urge toward royalty and only rebel when no other course is tolerable. The few who are suspicious enough to realize something is up are fairly easily misdirected and this is generally accomplished using our own suspicions against us. "We aren’t the ones determined to oppress you;" they say, "It’s them! We must fight them! Let us raise up soldiers among your sons, let us tax you at higher and higher rates to arm them well!" It is easy to convince us of such a
Thanks very much!
[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited August 20, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 21, 2009).]
posted
So I actually responded last night but then I lost it in a password error, and since it was time to leave the prison of my workplace, which coincidentally is a prison, I decided to repost today. For an intro, this seems preachy. I get that you have a message that you want to convey through your story and my suggestion is to convey that message with the story. I, personally, get very turned off by rhetoric in my fiction unless it is being said by a character as dialogue and even then it can't feel forced or like outlet for an author's personal rant. Let the reader come to his own conclusions about deeper meanings or lack thereof. Some will get it and others will appreciate a story for its own sake but few people will actually read grandstanding or soapboxing on the whole. I don't want to come across as rude, I just want you to know that some of us are put off by political rhetoric, especially as an intro.
Also near the end I think you use the wrong two (to/too) whatever... check your intent there... that line was edited out when Kathleen cut your lines down to size I believe...
[This message has been edited by nathanpence (edited August 21, 2009).]
posted
It's not rude to try and help someone! I had mixed feelings about posting this bit. It's actually a very small piece of the whole but sort of critical.
My husband had the same reaction so you are not alone. He is a pretty smart guy, too.
This is the preface. I can remove the thing entirely. Who reads prefaces, anyway?
Now I have to tell my spouse he might be right about something. Dang.
posted
Actually, I don't mind this opening, as long as it doesn't go on much longer than this. It is very relevant for today and makes me feel like I am going to be able to identify with the theme of the story. What's really interesting is that I'm not usually big into history and politics but this intro still works for me.
posted
Oh, thank you so much! I took the other comments to heart and rewrote it and now am considering splitting it into pieces throughout the book. I have one character I think can get away with this stuff. Take a look at this, if you guys don't mind. It was painful but it is condensed into exactly 13 lines.
“Every government has a taste for despotism, regardless of original intent. The hunger for money and power some folks have is nothing next to the greed of a government bureaucracy. The rest of us, the ones they want to farm like mink, don’t spend enough time worrying over who sits in the seats of power. To us they’re just more hurdles, barriers and speedbumps we have to get by. To rule us they have to shut down our freedom of movement, shut up our mouths, and shut the infinite expanse of our minds into a box which they define. All so they can bloat on our substance like the parasites they are. When we stop defending our rights to move, think, and speak is when we find ourselves trading one set of parasites after another.”
posted
So my initial thought is this comes from a character, and taken by itself I would normally associate this rant with either a paranoid schizophrenic or a fanatic leader of a anti-government group. I'm guessing your dragon story takes place in a modern world, thus the comments about modern items (speedbumps, etc.) I didn't grab that about the first version so that just took me out, but that more about my misconceptions than your writing. Also, the parasite reference at the end seemed forced. And I don't really like the "farmed like mink" bit. It's supposed to evoke an image but too few people even know what an actual mink looks like, much less that they are raised on farms in tiny cages before the are butchered for thier pelts. Cattle, as a reference, seems like it would resonate with more people and actually evokes the "too dumb to notice" feel that the rant is extolling more than the mink. You can even mention that we are getting fatter on our own regurgitated cud while the farmers wait to make the real profits off of our demise.
One last point is that as a government employee I think bureaucracy isn't about greed. Afterall effeciency creates money which sitisfies greed. Bureaucracy is actually an institutional inefficiency designed, in many cases, to provide checks and balances against government abuse. If I'm stealing from taxpayers and such the last thing I really want in this world is the 74 requisition forms filled out in triplicate that prove I took the money...
posted
I still like 'farmed like mink' because it doesn't matter to me how well my readers know the process; they are animals groomed to profit someone else. I am sorry you did know it. It makes it sound more like Soylient Green than what I intended.
I didn't mean to call you a parasite; sorry. We DO need SOME speedbumps!
posted
I think it goes on too long. I'm bored... Perhaps I'm not your demographic. You can never please everyone.
Also it sounds too heavy-handed and fanatical without a character to associate it with. I can accept a rant from a character, but I'd rather meet the character first. If the rant comes from the narrator, I'll pass.
One way to address that is make it a chapter heading and give it a source (as if quoting someone). Or format it as a letter or other form of media, where we soon get to meet the character who is writing/listening to it.
Ender's Game made great use of email. If memory serves me right, it starts with an email, but the email is used to introduce the main character (MC). That made it interesting.
Oh look, something shiny...
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 26, 2009).]
posted
I agree that it could go as the chapter header, usually in italics, and credited to some great statesman in your world.
I actually like the first version better, especially if used as a header. It sounds bigger. Don't worry about the thirteen exactly. Use the one that best sets the tone for your story.
posted
Interesting. And MrsBrown is funny. Something shiny!
I actually have a collection of quotes from this guy. Think of someone sort of like Jed on the Beverly Hill Billies. Not so old. Benevolent, self confident, ready to be amused guy who gets sucked into situations not because he wants to but because he's the most competent one standing around. He is a supporting character.
I was going to use them as chapter headings and this longer bit I think will be from his only or first published work entitled: "Us and Them: a Study of Group Dynamics"
Let's see. A couple of his shorter quotes are: "We need government. We just don't need all that much of it." and here's one central to a subplot in the book (not a header piece but a little of his dialogue: "When I can’t see a good answer to a problem, even a big one; it generally means it’s time to re-define the problem, not get out a bigger hammer.”
You really liked the first bit better? Twice people saw it as a rant and this guy doesn't rant. He does call it as he sees it. (It's me that rants sometimes!) So I have to decide what to do about that.
posted
I guess I should clarify... whether its a rant or a reasoned and philosophically sound argument, its still a talking head. I'm here for a story, not a political/philosophical treatise. Gimme a character please.
A short quote as a chapter heading is fine. Start with a longer prologue of this nature, and you'll lose me.
Now this is more up my short-attention-span alley: "We need government. We just don't need all that much of it." That works! Quotable, a quick one-liner, punchy. It adds to the flavor rather than detracting/distracting.
As always, just MHO.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 27, 2009).]
posted
Given what you just wrote about the character, I think there are two things to consider to make this less of a rant and more in line with his character. First, shorten the length. After two or three sentences, he's ranting. Second, simplify the language.
My example: "I am afraid of a government that treats men like cattle. I'm even more afraid of a rebellion that leaves a cow running the farm."
Just a thought based on the 'simple' pearls of wisdom he uses in your other quotes. And for the record, I think all of those could be chapter headers if the issues in the quotes are addressed within the chapter.
posted
Actually, if you're going to present it as quips from this one character I think shorter is better. I guess I just like the flow of the words on the first version better.
Maybe you can work the ideas into two or three sentences over each of the first few chapters.
It seems to be headed in a good direction. Keep at it!
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