Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » My New (Untitled as of Yet) Project

   
Author Topic: My New (Untitled as of Yet) Project
Gaudrhin
Member
Member # 8557

 - posted      Profile for Gaudrhin   Email Gaudrhin         Edit/Delete Post 
The river Swen was banked on one side by high, grassy ground peppered with brush and stunted trees, and on the other side by black nothingness. For about two paces, the far bank looked just like the one Cheyne was standing on; rich dirt sloped up to contain the lazily flowing water and finally leveled to the same high grass and various foliage that could have banked any river anywhere. But after those two paces on the far side, it all just stopped, like a long, sharp blade had simply cut away the earth and trees and peeled them away, leaving nothing but a black as dark as an evil personís heart. Even from this distance, Cheyne thought it looked thick, like molasses, like he could put out his hand and be enveloped in it. Staring at it made him feel more like a child than the hero others thought him to be. He wiggled his fingers, just to make sure they were still attached to his hand; for a moment, he had almost felt as though he had put his fingers into the black, and they had gone numb.
Posts: 50 | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Edward Douglas
Member
Member # 8872

 - posted      Profile for Edward Douglas   Email Edward Douglas         Edit/Delete Post 
There's the makings of a story here, and I would like to see "beyond" the blackness, however you may want to clean the opening up a bit. Contract some of your lines, dismiss others, thereby leaving room to add more of the story.

Nits: (1) no comma necessary between "high, grassy ground" or "fingers, just to make" or "long, sharp blade"

(2) "...and on the other side by black nothingness" would read better without the word "side": "...and on the other by black nothingness". Use of Tolkien's wonderful "further" might work here. On the further bank... [I love that word further, it's one of my favorites, it displays so much to a reader, but I go off topic, sorry.]

(3) Second sentence needs to be completely reworked, for in the first line you tell us the other side of the river was nothingness, yet here you say the far bank looked just like the one Cheyne was standing on. Yes you quantify this my stating "for about two paces", but still I read it as awkward and misinforming. If both banks resemble each other near the river's edge then perhaps state that earlier then introduce the nothingness.

(4) "leaving nothing but a black as dark as an evil person's heart." I'm having difficulty getting beyond this point. For one, "a blackness" might read better than "a black", but that's if you want to keep the phraseology. I, for one, don't care for the metaphor you chose to use here, but that's me.

(5) You mention Cheyne is some distance from the "blackness" (Even from this distance...), then you go on to write that his fingers go numb when he puts his hand into it.

Now I do like the part where you write, "...it all just stopped, like a long, sharp blade had simply cut away the earth and trees" and actually I would stop there and not include the "...and peeled them away" part. Your last sentence runs on and can probably be broken down into two somewhere in the vicinity of your semi-colon.

Good job, though. Keep writing.


Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
stutson
Member
Member # 8884

 - posted      Profile for stutson   Email stutson         Edit/Delete Post 
I also dislike the end of the first sentence: "by black nothingness", especially since you do such a beautiful job of describing that in the next sentence. Maybe:

"and on the other side, for about two paces, it looked just like the one Cheyne was standing on;"

'person' in "as an evil personís heart" doesn't sit right -- too mediocre. witch or demon or...

There's no connection between the black and his fingers -- confusing. What if imagining putting his fingers into the black came first in the sentence; then the wiggling would follow more logically.

I'd like to read more.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tchernabyelo
Member
Member # 2651

 - posted      Profile for tchernabyelo   Email tchernabyelo         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd certainly echo what's already been said about "as black as an evil person's heart" - that simile really didn't work for me.

The set-up is certainly interesting.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2