posted
Here are the first 13 lines to my mainstream-ish novel. The novel itself is just barely over halfway done, but I'm curious to see how my first-draft opening comes across. Thanx in advance!
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Darrel heard the Ansgar-tech hostess' song-like voice cut through the convention's excessive noise and chatter. "You know you want to spend more time with me!" He stabbed his hand into his slacks pocket, and could feel the tips of his fingers rustling against the folded piece of paper. As if he needed reminding of his reason for being here. There was no need for him to read the script again. He had his stage directions memorized. "Make contact with Jessica. Let her lead you anywhere she wants to take you." He tore his sight away from those soft, hazel eyes, and glanced down at her name badge. Jessica. Perfect. Forget the script. Forget the hidden camera he knew was trained on him. He would party with this young woman even without being directed to.
posted
I'm intrigued, but here is my 2 cents for whatever it is worth.
Darrel heard the Ansgar-tech hostess' song-like voice cut through the convention's excessive noise and chatter. "You know you want to spend more time with me!"
I stumbled over that line a time or two, and after reading the whole thing I wasn't sure what it had to do with the rest of the lines. Is this Jessica talking?
He stabbed his hand into his slacks pocket, and could feel the tips of his fingers rustling against the folded piece of paper. Does folded paper rustle in the tight confines of a pocket?
As if he needed reminding of his reason for being here. There was no need for him to read the script again. He had his stage directions memorized. "Make contact with Jessica. Let her lead you anywhere she wants to take you." He tore his sight away from those soft, hazel eyes, and glanced down at her name badge. Jessica. Perfect. Forget the script. I like the punch of the one word lines here.
Forget the hidden camera he knew was trained on him. He would party with this young woman even without being directed to.
All in all I like it.
[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited February 17, 2010).]
posted
I liked it too! ------ Darrel heard the Ansgar-tech hostess' song-like voice cut through the convention's excessive noise and chatter."song-like voice" I find this ambiguous, it could refer to a classical piece or gangster rap. Its it like a soft melody or or the harsh metalic clanging of industrial tunage? "You know you want to spend more time with me!" He stabbed his hand into his slacks pocket, and could feel the tips of his fingers rustling against the folded piece of paper. "He stabbed his hand into his slacks pocket, " I feel the stabbing of pockets by hands inhumane, but to say the least, i feel its over dramatic. He stabs then seems to softly touch the tip of the paper in the pockets. As if he needed reminding of his reason for being here. "As if he needed reminding of his reason for being here." This is only a part of a sentence.There was no need for him to read the script again. He had his stage directions memorized. "Make contact with Jessica. Let her lead you anywhere she wants to take you." He tore his sight away from those soft, hazel eyes, and glanced down at her name badge. Jessica. Perfect. Forget the script. Forget the hidden camera he knew was trained on him. He would party with this young woman even without being directed to.
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Overall I like the story so far and 'am slightly intrigued as to where this is leading
posted
Am I the only one who found this confusing? Maybe it is just me, but here are my thoughts.
quote:Darrel heard the Ansgar-tech hostess' song-like voice cut through the convention's excessive noise and chatter. "You know you want to spend more time with me!"
I am pretty sure this is Jessica speaking, but this seems like an odd thing to say when first meeting someone. Maybe they have been talking for a while, but if that is the case, why hasn't he looked at her name tag to see if she is Jessica earlier? Maybe she is going off of a script as well, but if she is, shouldn't he recognize the line and know she is Jessica? An indication if Jessica is in on this or not would be helpful.
posted
"I am pretty sure this is Jessica speaking, but this seems like an odd thing to say when first meeting someone."
you know it's weird I had no problem with this. I went to Vegas last year for my bachelor party, and it reminded me of going to a strip club. The girls that work the floor, the less constructive ones, would start a convo like this. I can of related Jessica to being a stripper, or a party girl, or someone who makes money in regards to companioning with someone.
posted
It was fine with me, keep writing and finish it off
My only nit was when the hostess' song-like voice cut through the convention's excessive noise and chatter. I didn't have any feeling of depth, so I placed the hostess as someone far away, and that the whole convention could hear her as she cut through. Thus when she then appears to be next to him I was a little taken aback.
posted
LOL, my bad for never going to a strip club. Now this whole thing makes a lot more sense. Carry on.
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