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Author Topic: Red - first 10 lines, I think
SavantIdiot
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I think I have addressed the flurries and 'went for'. I am a Texan. "Went for" means something more aggressive sometimes and that is how I was thinking of it here but I am guessing that was too colloquial. "What they mean, weak? He's 'going after' that door!"

Donegal Vilainís head hurt and the knocks coming in staccato bursts werenít helping. His brother Jean was in the habit of bringing over his latest attempt at a drinkable brew whenever he needed to talk. Donegal wished that Jean would find someone else to commiserate with or a way to broach his private concerns which didnít involve the two of them trying to drink their way past a nasty taste. The red ache behind his eyes expanded until even the pauses between the knocks had echoes. His eyes were narrowed into slits when he came upright and threw himself at the door.
He stared in disbelief at the woman on his porch. Libby.

[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited March 25, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited March 25, 2010).]


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KayTi
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According to my count, you have 9 lines here. Give us four more. You can tell it's 13 because 13 lines should fit in the editor window here when you're composing or responding to a thread. At least that's how I counted.

At any rate - here's a few pieces of feedback, feel free to take what works and leave the rest:

1) knocks coming in flurries didn't quite work for me as a visual. Just me, perhaps. Actually, maybe the issue is that knocks are audible, and flurries to me are usually visual (snow flurries, a flurry of fists, a flurry of fur as a cat streaks by, etc.) Could you use another cool descriptor that is more audio in nature?
2) Is the guy's last name really Villain? Is it supposed to be tongue-in-cheek?
3) I personally don't care for character names/nicknames that use apostrophes. You don't mention the genre - it's more common in fantasy, but having a nickname START with an apostrophe seems like it's going to be confusing.
4) The red ache is a good line, good visual.
5) I think you need a comma in the "'On wished that Jean" sentence - I'd put it after the with, before the or. I do that because it's a thought break. I have no idea if that's grammatically correct, though, you might want to check me.

Good luck, it looks a pretty good start, though I am hoping there's someone pretty darn interesting on the other side of that door...


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Meredith
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It sounds interesting.

I have a few chapters of the new beginning for DREAMER'S ROSE. The first three come to just about 2500 words. First draft, but I'd be interested to know if they're interesting enough to keep a reader going. (With the new beginning, Rose doesn't actually come into the story until about chapter 10.) We could do an exchange of first chapters if you're interested.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 13, 2010).]


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CharityBradford
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Donegal Villainís head hurt and the knocks coming in flurries at his door werenít helping.--I liked this line, but agree that the word flurries is a strange choice. It made me pause, but overall a nice start.

His brother Jean had gotten into the habit of bringing over his latest attempt at a drinkable brew whenever he needed to talk.--had gotten made me stop dead. Maybe you could rephrase it something like this, "His brother Jean often brought his latest attempt at a drinkable brew over when he needed to talk." That gets rid of the passive voice. Did Jean make the drink?

ĎOn wished that Jean would find someone else to commiserate with or a way to broach his private concerns which didnít involve the two of them trying to drink their way beyond a nasty taste.--Is that supposed to be "Don wished"? A nitpick: I think you can lose the "that" after wished.

The red ache behind his eyes expanded until even the pauses between the knocks had echoes.--I really liked the imagery here. You can change the ending to "the knocks echoed" to lose the "had".

When he went for the door his eyes were narrowed into slits.--went feels weak. Did he stumble, stomp, lumber? and you can just say, "his eyes narrowed to slits" to once again make it stronger by taking out a passive word.

Yes, call me the passive police because I suffer from it's curse.


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SavantIdiot
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Apparently I need the passive police. Ugh! I don't know why I like 'On' for this guy's name. He's not a major character at all.

Thank you all so much! Flurries will go away for sure and I will try to get rid of my passive voice.


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Posie70
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I will just say that it interested me and any problems I had were already posted by Kay Ti. Yes, flurries make me think of soft snow, or hard and fast fists in my face. I also liked the "red ache".

I'm still working to edit my 1st 2 chapters but when I'm done (hopefully soon), if you're interested we can exchange work.

Good start!


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