posted
I had original posted this in the short story section. But i have now decided to try and make it a book. I have written four unconnected sections that could be chapters and the plot that i have planned as more than enough content to be a book (I say planned because often, while writing things don't always go as planned which is usually a good thing)
Well this is the start of the section that I want to be the first chapter:
The six kids looked strange as they moved against the crowd, heading east instead of west up the highway. They all felt uneasy, and now realized why Ethan had wanted to stick to the woods. Yet, they were stuck on the road until they could pass the cut out; the high walls of rock that enclosed them would be impossible to climb. “Up ahead…” Carter announced, pointing up the road. Ethan had seen it too. An unmounted convoy of two-dozen or so U.S. infantry was heading toward them. “Ok, Jason, hide the SKS, let’s rest here until they pass.” Ethan said as he took off his pack and set it down on the side of the road. Jason un-slung the rifle from his shoulder and laid it among the tall grass and Allison smoothed the surrounding leaves over it with her foot.
[This message has been edited by Rikki_Ross (edited April 20, 2010).]
posted
I’m uncertainty on how old these ‘kids’ are. There is obviously a big difference if they are seven or if they are seventeen. Also kid is not a word usually used in formal writing, I would avoid it unless in dialog.
“An unmounted convoy” This is a weird phrase. Since a convoy is a group of vehicles traveling together it can’t be unmounted.
“two-dozen or so U.S. infantry” should be infantrymen
“Hide the SKS” a little weird for me for a couple of reasons, one you are very specific “hide the SKS”, not hide the gun or hide the rifle. Would these kids call it an SKS? Second they seem awful casual about hiding the rifle. If they can see the soldiers coming their way, then the soldiers can see them.
“Jason un-slung the rifle from his shoulder” from his shoulder is redundant.
“and Allison smoothed the surrounding leaves over it with her foot” I’m not sure this adds anything, other then giving us another name, can’t Jason hide the weapon himself?
posted
thanks for the feedback. with the "hide the SKS" and the with the soldiers being able to see them. It does make sense with the story. they would say SKS (they have more than one gun, and they are decently knowledgeable of them) and the soldiers can see them of course, they are far enough away that the kids think that they wouldn't be able to see the SKS, but they do see it. And i did say that Allison helped cover the SKS mainly to just add the name of another character but also to start to show that the entire group is involved and trying to work together.
I have been having trouble with the first sentence, and i have been trying to get it to work. I see what you mean about "kids" being a strange, and unspecific word to use. The problem is that the group is a wide range of ages which makes it hard to describe with just one word. I could say "teenagers" but it sounds just as bad in my opinion but is more specific and so would be better than "kids"
The six kids looked strange as they moved against the crowd, heading east instead of west up the highway. (Nothing wrong with this opening.)
They all felt uneasy, and now realized why Ethan had wanted to stick to the woods. (Isn't this a major POV no-no? How are we into the heads and feelings of all six at the same time? Wouldn't it be tighter to say: They looked uneasy? The word "kids" isn't offensive, but I agree that it may be a little jarring, depending upon how the POV character views them.)
Yet, they were stuck on the road until they could pass the cut out; the high walls of rock that enclosed them would be impossible to climb. ("Cut out" is a bit awkward. Is it cut-out or maybe just say: until there was an opening in the wall.)
“Up ahead…” (No dots)
Carter announced, pointing up the road. Ethan had seen it too. (So is Ethan your POV?)
An unmounted convoy of two-dozen or so U.S. infantry was (is it was or "were"? I never know!) heading toward them.
“Ok, Jason, hide the SKS, let’s rest here until they pass.” (Since an SKS is virtually unkown to most readers without further explanation, you need to either explain it or use a substitute for SKS and then explain it later.)
Ethan said as he took off his pack and set it down on the side of the road. (I'm not a fan of the Ethan-said-as-he-took-off-his-pack style of writing. Most agents will tell you to deconstruct such sentences. Something like: Ethan said, slinging his pack to the ground.)
Jason un-slung (awkward)the rifle from his shoulder and laid it among the tall grass (Break up. Two sentences.)and Allison smoothed the surrounding leaves over it with her foot.
(Overall, I was not hooked. What is the event or turning point that drives this as the opening of the story? A war? A natural disaster forcing kids and families to an exodus? If so, craft a sentence that says that, something like: The soldiers meant business. The families streaming down the road proved it. Why couldn't the six of us have listened to Ethan. He knew better.)
posted
Thanks for your two cents. Especially with the POV issues.
However, You say I should write something that explains the event that drives this as the opening of a story. you give your guesses
"A war? A natural disaster forcing kids and families to an exodus?"
and you also give an example of a way to explain these events
"The soldiers meant business. The families streaming down the road proved it. Why couldn't the six of us have listened to Ethan. He knew better."
yet, you read my first thirteen and came up with these (correct) conclusions and you were able to basically summarize what was happening in your example meant to show me how to explain what was going on. It seems to me that it must have been explained well enough if you were able to summarize what i was trying to portray. I have been having trouble with the balance between action and explanation in order to grab peoples attention with just an opening, but this confused me.
[This message has been edited by Rikki_Ross (edited April 21, 2010).]
Balancing action vs. explanation is always a challenge. I'm trying to imagine some of the better agents and agencies reading the first thirteen because, let's face it, you have to get their interest before you can take the next step. If they believe a reader would be confused by an intriguing opening, they will put the manuscript on the rejection pile, or worse, they will not invite the full manuscript in the first place. So my two cents is: make the opening a little more clear. What is the seminal event driving the kids' anti-exodus? (That would be an external turning point. Show us how the hero/POV character has been affected by that seminal event. (That would be the internal turning point for the POV character.) Those two things combined are what will drive your story and help you select the correct timeline for the beginning of the story. The exodus, or in this case, the anti-exodus, may well be the proper starting point.
You can tease us at the start with decent hints but if they are obscure (like SKS references), I think you lose the reader and the agent. You'll have plenty of opportunity later in the story (once you hook us) to explain what an SKS is and why it is so devastating as a weapon. For clarity of the opening, I think you could incoprorate the POV's feelings about the war and its dangers in a way that balances exposition and action. Or maybe I'm all wet and I figured it out the plot and so can every reader.
posted
The biggest problem is POV. Once you fix that, I think the other problems will be gone as well. Find a POV character and go from there.
quote:The six kids looked strange as they moved against the crowd, heading east instead of west up the highway. Since the kids looked strange to the crowd, I am thinking that someone in the crowd is the POV character. They all felt uneasy, and now realized why Ethan had wanted to stick to the woods. Yet, they were stuck on the road until they could pass the cut out; the high walls of rock that enclosed them would be impossible to climb. Now we are in the POV of all the kids except Ethan? “Up ahead…” Carter announced, pointing up the road. Ethan had seen it too. Now we are in Ethan's POV. An unmounted convoy of two-dozen or so U.S. infantry was heading toward them. “Ok, Jason, hide the SKS (I have no idea what an SKS is, and even at the end, I wasn't sure), let’s rest here until they pass.” Ethan said as he took off his pack and set it down on the side of the road. Jason un-slung the rifle from his shoulder and laid it among the tall grass and Allison smoothed the surrounding leaves over it with her foot.
Jumping from head to head is distracting. I'm not sure if you are going for an omniscient POV, but if you are, I think you need to work on smoother transitions between jumping into character heads so that it isn't as jarring.
But the worst part about head jumping in the beginning is that it makes it hard for us to latch on to a character and start caring about them. Right now I don't care about the kids. I am not even sure if they are good or bad. For all I know, they are terrorists.
posted
wow, i didn't think that the SKS would cause much confusion. I put it in because that IS what ethan would call it in dialouge. really all it is just a basic civilian hunting rifle and thats all the reader would need to know about it. which is why had put "the rifle" in the next sentence.
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posted
I know what an SKS is and from your context it should be fairly obvious it is a type of rifle but I disagree when you say 'an SKS is just a basic civilian hunting rifle'
An SKS is an obsolete russian designed carbine that fires the same round as an AK47. Because millions of these were made they are readily available. Although some people might use it as a poor mans deer rifle, it was designed as a military weapon. So the vibe I got was not a hunting rifle but rather belonging to a gun nut (no offense intended to any gun enthusiasts out there). If you wanted to convey that Ethan is familiar with guns and hunting, then I missed it.
posted
I understand what an SKS is, I just said "basic civilian hunting rifle" as a simple description for those who don't know. but also I don't see how it is something that only a "gun nut" would own since it is the best selling civilian rifle in the US. I use it for the story because it IS designed for military use (semi-auto with 7.62mm round) which is needed for later in the story. And I didn't intend for Ethan to be perfectly portrayed in the first thirteen lines so i understand why you would have missed that he is knowledgeble of guns.
[This message has been edited by Rikki_Ross (edited April 25, 2010).]
posted
I don't know what an SKS is, but then I don't know the names of most guns. You could clear the whole thing up though by inserting SKS infront of rifle. Plus you could still use SKS or whatever name you wanted and those who are gun nuts would get it and those who are still confused about the difference between a rifle and a hand gun would get it too.
"Jason un-slung the SKS rifle from his shoulder and laid it among the tall grass and Allison smoothed the surrounding leaves over it with her foot."
As far as the rest goes I find it mildly gripping. I would probably read on. I thought saying the kids looked strange was too bland. Do you mean that they looked strange because they were heading the wrong way or are you referring to something else such as their clothes, or any other million details that could be labelled as strange. I personally would not think someone was strange just because they were moving against traffic.
The fact that these are kids and seem to be hiding from the U.S. infantry is what I find intriguing in the opening.
posted
SKSs have a risk of discharging when shaken, I believe. Not a gun I would use if I had a choice. Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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