Also, notice, the reference to his attempted suicide. We already know he doesn't go through with it because this is written in first person. If he had committed suicide, he wouldn't be able to narrate the story. That takes away whatever tension the opening might have had.

Yeah, I am not really feeling anything for the characters. You may want to start a little earlier.

There are some weird things going on. Angel seems a bit unfeeling which makes me wonder if she doesn't really care about him or if something supernatural is going on, and she knows he won't really die. Also the mice are very strange too and suggestive of a speculative element even though this is supposed to be mystery/suspence?

Is that what you intended?

I don't like that kind of opening. My personal preference is not to know he's arrived at suicide. It takes all of the drama out of the story... you know like reading the ending when you start a book.

Also, instead of "the gun turned around in my hand" I think it would read better if you had something like "the gun pressed against my temple", maybe. Also, with the following phrase, it's kind of difficult to picture where the gun is: I'm under the impression that it's either pointing in his mouth or is pressed against his temple. I'm thinking, after I just re read the phrase, that the gun nozzle is in his mouth. Still, I would think of another way to say that, because I had to read it three times, though I am in a rush right now to get out of here, to figure out that it was in his mouth. You should get rid of this: "the bite of metal mixed with the light taste of gun oil gagging me." There's something about that sentence thatI don't like.

Okay, now I am certain that the gun nozzle is in his mouth. Sorry. A little slow sometimes (I read that part again to make sure). I see that he mumbled around "the weapons cold barrel"

I'd get rid of "Dimly" I don't like adverbs sometimes, unless they're absolutely nessessary.

I also don't know what you mean by "Opened-out" I have a clue, but I think it would be better if you got rid of it and kept it like this: "beyond the unmade futon bed"

Okay, so I re read the ending, again, and what I think is going on is: there is a white rat in the cage, he spoke, and told Angel not to kill himself. Hm. It's hard to tell you for sure what I think of this idea. I'm thinking that the rat is a vital importance to the story, but I also should say I am a little disappointed, because I thought the voice came from a girl, perhaps someone close to Angel. I would read on to something like that, if, however, it was a girl close to him that spoke and tried to change his mind about killing himself. If it's a rat, I'm not really pulled in. (I guess you can say I like this, but I don't like it. 50/50)

I do have and issue with the "Gun turned around in my hand" phrase, this seems akward and not really germaine. Now the barrel resting on his teeth, or in his mouth, that's different.

I also like the phrase "the bite of the metal and taste of the oil" anyone who has ever handled Guns knows exactly what you're talking about.