OK, I have written the prologue of my book. This is a science fiction novel with some fantasy aspects. The prologue is one of the many horrific nightmares my MC, Daelan has. It is important to my story and I have wondered if it should be placed in the first chapter.

If anyone would like to read the full prologue please let me know, as I would appreciate the critique. For now here are the first 13.
Thanks in advance.

=====Truth and Dissent - Part One, Rise of Dissidence ~ Prologue=====

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The thundering noise shook him. “What time is it?” He said, under his breath. The moonlight reflected off the pendulum in the clock that showed a little after 3:00 am. “It must have been thunder…I love thunderstorms.” He could remember when he was really little how he used to sit with his mother and count the seconds between flash and sound. He remembered being told that every five seconds was a mile. Those were happy times. His eyes watered at the joy and pain of those memories. In spite of the pain, storms always brought comfort; they drew his attention. Sometimes he felt he could almost reach up and touch the lightning. He knew it a silly notion, but it was one that never went away. He wished his mother was still here.

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New rivision: (PROLOGUE) :P

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-THE DREAM-

The thundering noise shook him. “What time is it?” the boy said, under his breath. The moonlight reflected off the pendulum of the clock that showed a little after 3:00 am. “That sound, must have been thunder…I love thunderstorms.” His thoughts went to a time when he was really little, how he used to sit with his mother and count the seconds between flash and sound. He remembered her loving arms wrapped around him in comfort. His eyes watered at the bitter-sweet reminder. In spite of the pain, he still loved thunderstorms; they were the only thing she left him after she died. Sometimes he felt he could almost reach up and touch the lightning. His anticipation grew as he waited for the next flash to illuminate the room.

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[This message has been edited by MikeL (edited June 29, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by MikeL (edited July 01, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by MikeL (edited July 06, 2010).]

It’s interesting that he’s startled awake by the clash of thunder, but he immediately has positive memories of it. I like “the seconds between flash and sound” for how streamlined it sounds. But then “He remembered being told that…” slows it down. We know it’s either memory or fact.

So what is the joy and pain of those memories? Joy of being with his mother? (There’s more emphasis on his enjoyment of thunderstorms than his relationship with his mother.) I’m guessing the pain is because she’s gone?

“In spite of the pain, storms always brought comfort; they drew his attention.” There’s that vague pain again. Do storms bring comfort because they draw his attention, or vice versa? I don’t think you need the first or last phrases. How about focusing on why he finds storms comforting (I find them exciting, nothing so peaceful as comforting). I’m starting to think of Percy Jackson and his relationship with water.

I loved “Sometimes he felt he could almost reach up and touch the lightning.” That piqued my interest—will it be part of the story? The second half of the next sentence seems kinda wordy. And then “He wished his mother was still here” – I hope you will soon explain what happened to her. (Dead, divorced and moved out, he moved away, etc.)

Thanks for all the suggestions I will work on each one.

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So what is the joy and pain of those memories? Joy of being with his mother? (There’s more emphasis on his enjoyment of thunderstorms than his relationship with his mother.) I’m guessing the pain is because she’s gone?

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“In spite of the pain, storms always brought comfort; they drew his attention.” There’s that vague pain again. Do storms bring comfort because they draw his attention, or vice versa? I don’t think you need the first or last phrases. How about focusing on why he finds storms comforting (I find them exciting, nothing so peaceful as comforting). I’m starting to think of Percy Jackson and his relationship with water.

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I loved “Sometimes he felt he could almost reach up and touch the lightning.” That piqued my interest—will it be part of the story?

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As for his age, he is young about 12ish. But he is not an integral character. Just this dream is integral.

Thanks again for your comments.

Also it doesn't feel like a negative experience ("bad dream" or "horrific nightmare"), but of course you have time to get there.

Edited to add: I just read your "concerned" topic about the story; I get it now. First a bad experience ending in death (prologue), and then Daelan after he has woken up from that dream (Ch 1). Why not name the dream person (say, Fred)? Then when we are introduced to Dealen (sp?), perhaps he could reference Fred's experience in his dream? If it is important that Daelan not know whose dreams he has, them maybe call the dream person "the boy" or some other tag?

Keep at it Or, move on and get the story onto the page; you can always tinker later

Anyway, Daelan, MC, is experiencing the dreams as if he is the young boy. It is full clairvoyance; and he, for the moments of the dream, is the little boy. He doesn't think or understand that it is a different person. Not yet anyway. He see it, feels it, smells , and moves, as if himself even though it is really someone else. His mind becomes the mind of the other for a few min.

It is a difficult POV problem as you can see. If you or anyone else could help with the prologue I would very much appreciate it. I am stuck on a scene that will involve a similar pov.

I really enjoyed some of the imagery (I've always been a sucker for thunderstorms, as you'll see if you look at my own first 13 lines post when I get it in here) this put in my mind. There are just a few things that might turn off an editor. Top on my list would be the repetitive word "he", which can be found at the front of at least 5 sentences and scattered throughout the piece. That's something that would easily be fixed with a rewrite, although it might necessitate having some sort of name.

The nostalgia is nice, but if he doesn't know where... let alone who... he is, wouldn't confusion override any other emotion?

BTW, I'm not trying to defend, I just am having trouble with the POV.

Here is why: Daelan is dreaming. In the dream he is this little boy. This little boy is real. What is happening to him is real. Daelan's personality is gone for the moment and he is thinking from the mind of the little boy. When Daelan wakes he remembers it as a normal memory, but he was dreaming. Deep down he knows it is real, but all logic says it's not, so he is very conficted.

This conflict is important to part of the story. I will probably figure it out eventually, but till then I am seeking pointers. One thought, should I just tell the reader it's a dream? Or is it better to find out from Daelan?

Part of the goal is that we will never know who this little boy was and Daelan will make a point to remember him in his own way.
If you haven't guessed yet the boy doesn't live very long.

Random musings: Heck, perhaps if he thinks it is himself you could use HIS name in the dream, and later when he starts to catch on, he could start dreaming the other people's names--part of his awakening could include a gradual separation of himself from the other person while he becomes an observer in the dream state. Well, maybe not--if you don't like that idea, leave out the name. In fact, I don't like it, because he IS different people. It wouldn't work unless his initial dreams were about people very similar to him. And I like the full immersion.

It'll be even more interesting when he thinks he's a woman in the dream, or someone very different from him in age and experience. I can imagine him thinking WTF when he wakes up from a dream where someone addressed him by a different name.

Then in the start of chapter one, under your other post, reference the dream. He's awake and reflecting on these repeating nightmares, so make it clear that what we just read in the prologue was the latest of these nightmares. Perhaps strengthen your premise by having him think he was the person in the dream. For example, "In some of the dreams he was the person 'they' were after; this time he was a bystander..." could be more like "There was always someone after him, or violence where he got caught in the crossfire." Maybe??

1. You don't have to answer every question, because the questions are posed for your benefit, not ours. But obviously sometimes a dialogue helps all of us know what you are trying to achieve, so we can react to that.

2. There was a discussion once about Prologues. Some people just skip them. So if it is Vital to the story, consider making it a short chapter one.

3. As always, take what you like and leave the rest I really don't want to mess up YOUR story.

Prologue: Dream #1 or Chapter One: Dream #1

or

Prologue: Dream about the Boy or Chapter One: Dream about the Boy

but get the information in quickly so the reader is not confused.

Speacial thanks to MrsBrown and K.D.W., you latest posts nailed it for me. MrsBrown I will deffinately use (the boy), and K.D.W. I will give the information in the title that this is a dream.

Again, thanks.