posted
I am working a collection of five unique stories/novels; each with a different so-called old maid school teacher as the main character. The story nearest to completion, with around 79,000 words so far, is called "The welded Link".
In short summary, Miss Castle decides to make some drastic changes, taking a teaching position in Astoria, OR where she is forced outside her comfort zone in nearly every way. She makes some interesting friends; among them a wacky landlord, a group of gray haired women, a doting co-worker and her oddly behaving brother in-law who has an unbelievable secret.
"Miss Castle, are you gonna teach here until you die?"
The question hung in the air like the stench of a stink bomb. The little dark haired boy responsible for launching it sat hunched over his desk in the front row, worming his index finger around in his right nostril, watching his teacher patiently as he waited for her reply.
The room became silent and twenty-one pairs of eyes looked up at the same time. The word 'die' tended to draw that kind of attention from first graders. They were all keenly inter- ested in her response.
Ah, seven year olds, Miss Castle thought, looking from one face to another. They are honestly charming and charmingly honest. It was one of the reasons she never became bored with teaching.
[This message has been edited by chalkdustfairy (edited July 13, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 13, 2010).]
My take: this is a charming piece and it hooks me. I don't know if it will work for people who don't have a child near that age (I do). You've nailed the age group. Great summary.
Are you writing this in close 3rd person Point of View (POV) (from inside the Main Chartacter's or MC's head)? Or from an omniscient (omni) (fly-on-the-wall or God's eye view) POV? I don't know which one is right for your story, and so far I like what I'm reading. POV is something I still struggle with, so I'm "pulling the string" to examine your piece.
"watching his teacher" and "Luckily for Miss Castle" makes me think omni. If you want close 3rd (which folks around here often favor, especially for a character-based story), then I *think* it could delve further into her head. For example, it's good for the children to call her Miss Castle, but what name does she use for herself, in her mind? The two times you reference her thoughts, that name distances me from her POV. I'm inclined to like your character, but I might relate to her more if I felt like I was "in her skin". Just food for thought.
P.S. What is LDS? I assume this is not speculative fiction.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 13, 2010).]
posted
Your stories sound interesting. Some comments: -when is this taking place? I think many females now prefer to be addressed as Ms. -why is the question like stench? I don't think it's such a bad or awkward question but there must be implications not evident on first reading. If you indicate this, probably through the woman's thoughts, I think it would work well -I wouldn't use the word "worming" it's good and create a good picture but it results in a mixed metaphor. You had him as a bomber before. Too soon to change to another metaphor - I'd omit "patiently" editors and agents nowadays don't like adverbs ending in ly unless they are absolutely necessary -would some first-graders be six years old? Not sure all would be seven or that all would be exactly the same age
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2010
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posted
Thanks so much for reading! And sorry about the lines- I thought that referred to # of sentences. Now I know!
First,I'm a novis writer. I'm learning about pov but I'm not good at it(that's why I joined this group). I will need to focus on that with all of my writing so I would appreciate more advice in that area. As to your question about pov: I like the 'fly on the wall' point of view. How does that work with expressing what the characters are thinking, which is key to this story?
Also, the deal with her name is that I didn't want the reader to know how important it is who she is - until a couple of chapters into the story. I didn't want to give the crux of the story away at the beginning. I wondered how to do that and make it work. This story is much more complex than I knew how to describe in a summary (something else to learn, as well).
Lastly, LDS fiction: I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon)and I have written these stories from that religious reference point. There are several references to the LDS culture, values, lifestyle and religious beliefs in my stories because that is what I know. I'm just assuming they are better suited to the LDS market.
Would you be interested in giving your opinion about some lines from other chapters?
posted
I did not realize that I had mixed metaphors. That is worth reconsidering. Which picture do I want to leave with the reader? Is it the awkwardness and gravity of the question or the nature of first graders? Thanks for pointing it out.
It WOULD be safer to say seven year olds instead of six year olds, though they're never all the same age.
posted
Welcome to Hatrack. I like it. I don't think it needs any changes. I don't mind the way you handle POV, to be honest. Then again, i'm not looking at that when i read a story. This piece has voice, especially towards the second half. I think you should remove the "stench" reference. It's not bad, but in my opinion, it's kinda ... hmmm... heavy. Maybe a lighter word, something ... softer? Stench gives away images more darkly than this piece is about. At least, this is what i see. Also about adverbs, i agree that they better be used wisely, but they can be used nonetheless. Sometimes, it's more efficient.
Posts: 83 | Registered: Aug 2009
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I am not the right person to ask about omni POV and when to use it. Orson Scott Card (OSC) wrote a great book that covers it called "Characters & Viewpoint". I highly recommend it.
Posts: 785 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Thanks everyone. I'm going to take out 'stench' and the stink bomb reference and watch my adverbs. Also thanks for mentioning the reference book for pov. I'll look for it.
Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2010
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posted
How about the cloud of a stink bomb? I can't think of anything else. I found my nose crinkling at the stink bomb imagery--that's a good thing, BTW.
Regarding POV--I wouldn't change that. I didn't think you over-did the adverbs. If the description is moving the story along, not trumping the story, you're doing all right.
I liked it and thought it had a flow. I'm a teacher, and I could visualize the scene in my mind.
posted
i must say, this hooks me. i laughed a little, too, when i read the part about the kid pickin his nose. tht was funny. and i would deffinitely read on. im using my phone to write this, so i appologize this review is both short and grammatically in correct. good luck with this! =)
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I've come up with this summary for my book, "The Welded Link" and would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks!
Miss Castle is changing course in her life in order to avoid entrapment in T.O.M.B.S - The Old Maid Boredom Society. With her "List" of hopes and dreams for her life to guide her, she begins a new life with an new job teaching first grade in Astoria, Oregon.
Captain Brynjar Erikson's life is literally turned upside down when a rogue wave hits his fishing boat. And try as he might, it will never be the same again. A near-death encounter with a long deceased great grandmother propels him on a crazy quest to recover the woman's journals.
She is looking for herself. He's just looking to find Edda's journals as quickly as possible and get the old woman off his conscience. Neither of them will get exactly what they were looking for, yet both will get far more than they ever bargained for when their worlds collide to form "The Welded Link".
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