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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » FIRST 13 LINES: How to Kill a Modern Teenager

   
Author Topic: FIRST 13 LINES: How to Kill a Modern Teenager
Apemantus
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Hello Everyone. This is from an in-progress novel. Just interested to hear if you would turn the page. (Correction: The title of the novel is "Killing the Modern Teenager".)

Seven sounds launched skyward, like missiles.

From Africa, the sound was the screaming of a village under slaughter, victim of the genocide sweeping the continent.

From South America, it was machine guns storming the cocaine farm of a rival cartel.

And from Antarctica, it was an iceberg tearing from its shelf, no longer able to withstand the warming water.

From Europe, it was a suicide bomb obliterating an outdoor cafe.

From Asia, it was the ignition of a nuclear rocket, coordinates locked in.

From Australia, it was the wailing of a baby, shivering beside his homeless mother, starving in the dead of winter.

And from North America, it was the bell of the New York Stock...

[This message has been edited by Apemantus (edited August 27, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Apemantus (edited August 27, 2010).]


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BillieJo
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I am intrigued enough to keep reading. I want to know how these seven sounds connect and where you are going from there. I certainly wouldn't mind reading more if you are looking for volunteers.
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JSchuler
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Honestly, not really.

The list deals with popular tropes, so I can't take them seriously as hooks. Although the launch of a nuclear missile in Asia marks the beginning of WWIII, it's grouped together with things that are... what's the term... not "mundane" or "common," but generic and expected enough that I doubt the book is about anything in the list you're building. So, I can't get interested. Where's the story already?


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MAP
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I'm not hooked. I am much more interested in characters than random lists of deaths. People die everyday; it is only when we care about them that their death impact us.
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Zack Zyder
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Love the title. Where is this going? Because you may be mixing apples and oranges here. If the tone is snarky and flip, then it won't mesh with the scenes that constitute the horrific beginning. Again--this is a great title.
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BillieJo
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I think the list and the title are an interesting combination, one that could go nearly anywhere. I can't wait to see what comes next.
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pdblake
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Just my two pennyworth (meaning take it or leave it),

The first line got me, I was expecting the screaming doom of mankind. What I got was the shopping list of teen angst incarnate.

Sorry but, genocide in Africa, the threat of terrorist attack in the EU, iceshelves melting, Asia being the next nuclear oppressor (that's how I read it), no matter how tough these things seem, real or fantasy, they all smack of cliche. One of them maybe, but the whole lot?

Now the next 13 lines might well be brilliant, so show me those.


[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited August 29, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited August 29, 2010).]


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Twiggy
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Hi
This felt more like a prologue than the start of a story to me. What we haven't got yet is what links the events, so we don't know what the conflict is. Also, we haven't got a character yet.
I would read on because I am waiting for the story to start but it would need to be quick.

Good luck


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RoxanneCrouse
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I wouldn't read on. I like character and there are no characters yet. I do love the title, it would attract me to pick up the book, but once I opened it and read I would put it back down. I'm expecting it to start more like:

I had researched for months and finally knew how I'd kill Johnny Smith. BLA BLA BLA or

Being a teen in 2450 was tough, but being an adult surrounded by robot teens bent on ruling the world was even tougher.

I know cliche, it's the best I could do in five minutes.


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Kimlin
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I am intrigued but I think I am getting the wrong thing from it lol There is a poem called Capital Punishment in Schools by Roger McGough between your title and first few lines I am reminded of it and I am smiling a lot not sure I should be
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