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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Need alpha readers for finished first draft, 50k novel, first 13 lines here

   
Author Topic: Need alpha readers for finished first draft, 50k novel, first 13 lines here
Jason R. Peters
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Here are the first 13 lines of "FRAGILE GODS", a heroic fantasy novel which is completed in first draft at about 50,000 words.

I am seeking active alpha readers to help refine this work if any are willing.

--


Damek was accustomed to welcoming visitors, not turning them away. But tonight, when someone knocked and Damek reached out with the Sight, finding nothing, he knew it had to be his older brother, Azai.

I'm not home, he thought miserably, futilely.

"Damek, I know you're home," Azai announced through the closed door.

Go away.

"I'm not leaving, Damek. I want to talk to you."

I don't want to talk to you, though.

"You can't help it, Damek."

At this, Damek strode forward and flung open the door.

"This is why you're not welcome in my home. Do you have any

[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited October 05, 2010).]


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WouldBe
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Consider shortening the I-want-to-talk-to-you dialog (perhaps by starting near the end of their argument) and add something more meaty, like why one brother doesn't want to talk to the other. The present conversation sounds like an everyday event for brothers, and doesn't seem all that hook-y, though the Sight bit is interesting. GL.
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MrsBrown
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It sounds like he doesn't like talking to his brother because he cannot keep any secrets; they can read each other's minds. I like it, and I'm hooked. I like your MC and his voice. My complaint is that I have no setting yet, other than an undefined home and a door.

I don't remember your ID. Have you been around but out-of-commision for awhile? If you want to work with other authors on the entire work, check out http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum2/HTML/000201.html

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 05, 2010).]


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Jason R. Peters
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I have been on hiatus from this particular site, yes. But I have been around before.

I thank you for the offer for further readership, and I thank both posters so far for the feedback.

[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited October 05, 2010).]


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AllyL
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I've been reading a lot of first sentences. They need to grab the reader. I don't think there's enough at stake in the first sentence. Maybe your MC should do that reaching out with his mind thing in the first sentence. The article I read was on YA Highway and it explained about today's readers all having ADD. Check it out. It made sense. Love your title and concept. I'd read it, but I don't have ADD and I'm willing to stick with a few paragraphs or pages before something exciting happens.
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