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I love the theatre – I've grown up in it. My mom is the famous stage actress, Sophie Stark, and my dad, Tom Stark, writes and directs plays. My mom is Broadway, and my dad is mostly off-Broadway. Sometimes my mom stars in one of my dad's plays, and they argue about everything. Which is totally okay, because it keeps them from arguing about me. I'm Quinn Stark, nobody. Maybe that's why I didn't take things seriously until it was almost too late – first of all, like I said, I'm a nobody. Nothing ever happens to me. And, secondly, when everything around you is pretend, it's hard to take real danger seriously, even when it was staring me right in the face. I guess part of me just thought that when things got too bad, the curtain would
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 01, 2010).]
posted
Thank you, ma'am! got stuck on an opening, and couldn't think of a better place to work the kinks out! Seeing a lot of new names here - along with a few folks I've traded crits with in the past. Have a Nano going this year?
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I like it. Maybe it could be shortened slightly so that the line about the curtain (closing, I assume), makes it back in. (Or send Kathleen 50 bucks to put it back.)
Maybe trimming out the 'First of all, like I said' and 'secondly' would make enough room to put it back in.
Otherwise, I think the setting and curtain-closing metaphor is hook-y.
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I really am intrigued by this idea. The line ‘when everything around you is pretend, it’s hard to take real danger seriously’ is a great hook. There’s been some discussion about using a punchy first line, and that would make a great one. As an alternative, I also loved the line, ‘I’m Quinn Stark and I’m nobody.’ Maybe think about starting there, for instance:
I’m Quinn Stark and I’m nobody. My mom, Sophie is a famous Broadway stage actress and my dad, Tom, writes and directs off-Broadway plays. Me, I spend my time lurking around the sets. Sometimes Mom stars in one of Dad’s plays and then they spend their time arguing about everything. Which is totally okay, because it keeps them from arguing about me.
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Kathleen's just so hard to bribe, I'll probably have to do it the old fashioned way. Sigh. Edit it is.
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Deb, great to see you back. I've always enjoyed reading your work.
I wasn't too fussed about the opening paragraph - it didn't really grab me. Neither did the reference to Quinn being nobody. But the line "when everything around you is pretend, it's hard to take real danger seriously" did hook me. I'd suggest this line as the opening. It gives a context within which to interpret the importance of her parents' relationship.
Other than that, it didn't give much about where this story is going. However, being a novel, this isn't as big a problem as it would be for a short.
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Hi debhoag, I liked this opening. The only issue for me is the scene setting seems to have a great pace, pause and gather itself up at Maybe that's why I didn't take things seriously until it was almost too late, as if it's taking a breath, ready to show me what the inciting incident is, and then suddenly I feel like I'm revisiting the same thing again, defusing the tension and undermining the suspense.
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quote:I love the theatre – I've grown up in it. My mom is the famous stage actress, Sophie Stark, and my dad, Tom Stark, writes and directs plays. My mom is Broadway, and my dad is mostly off-Broadway. Sometimes my mom stars in one of my dad's plays, and they argue about everything. Which is totally okay, because it keeps them from arguing about me.
Stylistically, I don't love this beginning. You're beginning with the character explaining who she and her family are. This is a novel-length work, and we have the book to get to know who they are without you telling us in the opening sentence.
quote:I'm Quinn Stark, nobody. Maybe that's why I didn't take things seriously until it was almost too late – first of all, like I said, I'm a nobody. Nothing ever happens to me. And, secondly, when everything around you is pretend, it's hard to take real danger seriously, even when it was staring me right in the face. I guess part of me just thought that when things got too bad, the curtain would
You've essentially said nothing here. I don't have any idea what the story is about, just that it's about theater folk. And that something happens that the MC doesn't take seriously at first.
Why don't you start with telling us what happened? Let us get to know the characters and learn from there. Show us why Quinn wouldn't have taken it seriously, and let us get to know her parents - and her - on our own, slowly.
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And this is why I love posting my first 13 here - it helps me scrub away all the crud and get right to the story.
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One observation for you, nothing specific but an observation. This reads like a middle-grade (grades 3-8) story. Very strong character voice, tone, and the idea of someone calling him/herself a nobody is very in line with that age range.
If you're not aiming for that market, you might want to consider... if you're aiming older, the YA readership is less likely to identify with somebody who describes him/herself as a nobody, unless we also get a sense that this is someone older, and at least somewhat independent (the many references to parents make me assume age 12 or so, which is solidly in middle-grade territory. YA starts at 14, in general.)
Just wanted you to know in case this is supposed to be some other kind of story. Looks good, though. Good luck!
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Thanks, KayTi. At the moment, I'm aiming loosely at the young end of the YA market, with a character who's about sixteen.
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posted
Tiny nit( this can't just be me it bugged) Tom Stark sounds a lot like Tony Stark, as in Iron Man. But that could just be me.
I really love the voice of this story, but the issue for me is that the danger isn't clear. I wonder if you changed the word "things" in 'take things seriously' to whatever it is that is threatening Quinn. Like 'Maybe that's why I didn't take zombies seriously, or magic, or child molesters, or Celine Dion...whatever the danger is. I would like a bit more clarification so I can know if I need to worry or not.
Right now, it kind of feels like an empty threat. A dang well written empty threat, but still.
The sounds started out so quietly I didn't really notice them. Like paper being blown against the window, or leaves skittering across the face of the building. They hovered on the edges of my hearing, slowly getting louder over several weeks,so that I hardly even noticed them. They were just one more noise in the night that I took for granted. Until the night before the awards show. I bolted upright in my bed, wakened out of a sound sleep by the scraping, shuddering noise of claws desperately trying to break through the glass of my bedroom window. It had never been so loud, and now I realized the menace that was behind the sound. Even as it penetrated into my foggy brain that whatever was trying to get through the glass wanted to rip me to shreds, the sound stopped. The sudden silence made my ears ring.
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Wow, are you the same writer? I stopped reading half way through the first version but I loved this. There is a subtle intensity that really drew me in.
The only bit that I wasn't sure about started at "and now I realized the menace that was behind the sound."
Does the MC know what the menace is, or not? MC wonders 'whatever' it is but knows it wants to rip him/her to shreds. And, how does the main charcter know that?
I only realised that I don't know whether main MC is male or female when I tried to crit it.
Same MC, teen girl. She knows that there is menace behind the noise because it's supernatural and she gets the 'vibe', but that won't come out till later. My friend Bill, who crits all my stuff, also hated the first opening, btw. I think this one is better, too.
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I love the rewrite version. It is so much more interesting.
It also changed the entire tone of the story. The first one seemed lighter, almost comedic. This one has a much darker and creepy tone, which I find more intriguing.
I am assuming the rewrite is more indicative of the tone of the novel.
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I'm mostly knocking out the first draft - I've got the plot all outlined, so I have plenty of room for goosing the specifics. Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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Looks good, though. Good luck!
