posted
The young boy Anaya played with his new toy transport on the white bricks of the road when he first heard the warning sirens. On the planet of Altahr, in the city, they all knew what the warning sirens meant and he stood up and began to run toward his house, on the other side of the road. By anyone else’s standards it was not a far distance, but for him, it was very far, as far as his mother would allow him to wander from home. Making his little legs run as fast as they would go, he began to pound his way back to safety. But soon, the street was filled with harried people running every which way. Large legs bumped into him, jostled him back and forth and almost knocked him down several times. He stopped to gawk at a line of grown men with serious faces
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 21, 2011).]
posted
Starts with action so that's good while dropping some questions to look for answer to. Couple things. Omit "young" the boy and toy imply it.
[q]The boy Anaya [was playing] with his...On the planet of Altahr, in the city, they all knew what the warning sirens meant[. omit "and"] He stood up and began to run toward his house[omit ","] on the other side of the road. By anyone else’s standards[/q]
That last part makes me expect he's a cripple or something because standards for a young boy are different than for an adult, so is it not far for a boy or not far for an adult? If it's about a boy, you might say "It was very far for a boy, as far as..."
[q]...his mother would allow him to wander from home. Making his little legs run as fast as they would go, he [omit: "began to"] pounded his way...He stopped to gawk at a line of grown men with serious faces[/q]
Last thought, he's running because of the sirens, but then he "stops" to gawk at grown men. If they're in the way, then he didn't stop TO gawk he was stopped/blocked by them. If they aren't in the way, then the connection between the jostling should be emphasized like "...A hurrying man bumped and spun him about so that he faced a line of..." Otherwise it sounds a little like he just lost focus. Which of course little boys can do.
[This message has been edited by enigmaticuser (edited May 24, 2011).]
posted
TMR, what got me first was the white bricks, brought to mind, the yellow brick road.If the color of the bricks isn't important to your story,I would just use brick road or maybe cobblestone. about the sirens,maybe something like, suddenly the blaring sound of the warning sirens shattered the quiet day...I'm new at this as well, but I hope it helps a little.
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just a few comments on your opening / first thirteen:
Toy type – not important. White bricks – not important. Sirens – what do they warn against? Distance to home – be specific. ‘almost’ – a weasel word; eliminate. Overwritten –extraneous detail, too many words: Tighten.
Consider something this:
The howl of the warning sirens made Anya drop his new toy and run as fast as he could across the road to his home. Before he’d taken ten strides, panicked people milling to and fro blocked his way. Slowed, Anya looked up to see a line of grown men with serious faces.
First, the action (set the hook) – then the ‘who, what, when and where.’
A novice's point of view on your 13 lines, hope it helps some.
The first sentence is a paragraph compressed into one line. Be more attentive to punctuation. Try to read it aloud, with no pause, since there is no punctuation used. If you wanna use long sentences, separate them properly. The second sentence is a bit better, but still a lungful.
Instead of "far distance", use "great distance". If "Altahr" has only one city, mention it. you could say "On the planet Altahr's only(or sole or solitary or one or whatever) city..." If there are more than one cities, name it.
If you wanna stress the effort to run like hell, better say "Pushing his little legs to run", rather than "Making his little legs run". In general, avoid using generic words like that,make, and so on. Better use which, force, and so on, instead.
I strongly disagree with mbwood about the irrelevance of the toy type. It implies that space travel is commonplace. He was spot on the money about everything else, though.
You gotta love enigmatic user's advice. He's good. Very good.
I would not read on, simply because of the punctuation issues. I'm kind of obsessive about it, because when I read, I hear the voices in my head. It's probably a brain tumor, I'll get tested.
It is, however, quite interesting and does get you there, in the city, in a tiny body, trying to reach safety from whatever threat is about to rain down.
posted
I suggest keeping to simple prose and using mostly active verbs, for example:
Anaya was playing with his toy transport when he heard the warning sirens. He stood up and ran toward his house, his little feet slapping against the white brick of the road. It was not far, but the street filled with people all running in response to the sirens. They jostled him, and he bounced back and forth between their legs. Twice he was knocked down.
The crowd in front of him stopped as a horn blared and the shouts and cries quickly lowered to an anxious murmur. Scrambling between the legs of one tall woman, Anaya peered up from under her skirt, his mouth falling open as a long line of grown men in silver uniforms marched past, their faces as stern as his mother's when he'd been caught fibbing.
[This message has been edited by History (edited June 08, 2011).]
posted
The young boy Anaya played with his new toy transport on the white bricks of the road when he first heard the warning sirens. On the planet of Altahr, in the city, they all knew what the warning sirens meant and he stood up and began to run toward his house, on the other side of the road. By anyone else’s standards it was not a far distance, but for him, it was very far, as far as his mother would allow him to wander from home. Making his little legs run as fast as they would go, he began to pound his way back to safety. But soon, the street was filled with harried people running every which way. Large legs bumped into him, jostled him back and forth and almost knocked him down several times. He stopped to gawk at a line of grown men with serious faces
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Please feel free to use or ignore any of my comments.
I'm not quite hooked on first reading for two reasons I think. First I don't have any insight yet about the main character. It just seems to be a description. Second there is only the hint of sirens but I want to know how it effects the MC. For example, what if he hears the sirens then flees but is blocked by adults or something. I want to feel his emotions. Consider writing this first person (then going back and making it close third).
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by Darrin (edited June 11, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Darrin (edited June 11, 2011).]
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