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Ok, I might have streched it some, but the new part is accurate. The improved part still needs to be determined.
Step right up now.Three balls for a dollar.Hit the bulls-eye and dunk the crazy writer in the freezing water. Don't woory folks, he won't drown. He's been duncked so much he's grown a set of gills. Splash!!! glub, glub, hey, not so fast grandma. ______________________________________________________
I never imagined I'd be sitting on a cold stump at the edge of a potato field contemplating my grip on reality, but here I was.I stared up at the massive oak silhouetted against the starlit sky."I miss you mom, wish you were here.By the way,do you think I'm bonkers for sitting here because I gave my word in a stupid dream?" "No Garic,you're not bonkers.She would be proud of you for honoring your word,dream or no dream." I shot up from the stump like a rocket being launched and lost my footing on the packed snow,did a one eighty and landed on my butt.I looked up and my eyes widened for not ten yards away a large,dark,triangular shaped craft hovered and a lone individual stood in a opening illuminated by a red light.
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Hey Craig, I'm a newbie, so don't take any of my remarks too seriously.
I would suggest that you use more comas, to separate sentences within sentences. Don't take it too far with the similes, or the imagery. I'm talking about the scene about the startling and the subsequent fall on the butt. Perhaps you should shorten your sentences, as a couple of them require two lungfuls to read aloud.
I love the word bonkers, but, the figure would probably choose another, to negate Garic's suspicion of madness. It would give a clearer impression of two, separate people. It would also sound better, I think.
Triangular ufos are, probably, over played, but that doesn't really mean anything. You could spin it any which way other people didn't.
If the red light was there before the figure spoke, Garic may have noticed the change in illumination, before he heard the voice. It was a night time, in an open field, so it makes sense that he would, even if he was facing the other way. The distance was too short, for him not to. Maybe you can turn on the lights on the figure, before Garic's very eyes. It adds a more dramatic effect, too.
Can't judge a book by it's cover, neither can you judge it by 13 lines. Keep on writing my friend.
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Know that I am new at this and maybe my suggestion is worthless, but here goes.
"I looked up and my eyes widened for not ten yards away a large,dark,triangular shaped craft hovered and a lone individual stood in a opening illuminated by a red light."
I guess my only issue is with this sentence. Something is off here. Maybe its a POV error. Not sure. I think you need to convey the character's surprise in another way than 'his eyes widened' because that is something that someone looking at the character would see, not that the character himself would see himself do.
for example, bad example, but you might say, "I jumped out of my skin, cause not ten yard away was a giant marshmallow floatin' in the sky."
I also think you need to work on this character's voice. Maybe go and watch all those stupid shows late at night on MTV, or see one of those silly vampire movies. (I know, its like purgatory-but its for your writing, its worth the pain.) just a thought.
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Thank you Giasin Chasan and TMR Beste. It might show I joined in 2008, but trust me when I say I am newer than the both of you. I had no interest in writing, but something happened in 2008 and I gave my word.I found this site, some writers helped and for last 3 years, been getting the story down to the best of my ability and almost done first book.It might not read like an OSC novel, but it's my best. Nuff said bout that. GC,I agree about shape of ship, and like you mentioned what ship hasn't been mentioned...that said, the nose of it can fit in a smaller space better than say, a 100 foot round ship. As for the red light, I was thinking of military style. Dark night don't want to advertise your presence. I also see what you maen about having to be long winded, that's me, just ask my wife.
TMR,what I truly know about voice is limited to, hello and HELLO. From what I've read in here, I know what you mean, but I figure I can work more on that when I try and edit. How stupid does that sound. I have all I can do to write and make it readable, and I'm going to edit myself. Yep,don't see anything wrong with that page, on to the next.
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Firstly, please put spaces after a period and comma.
quote:I never imagined I'd be sitting on a cold stump at the edge of a potato field contemplating my grip on reality, but here I was.
Ooh. I can see that you are attempting to develop a clear voice right from the start, which is good. But this opening sentence is positively dangerous for the reader. Its first impressions, so it says that a) the character is self absorbed or b) the character isn't to be trusted (has a bad "grip on reality"). What it does not say is that there are reasons for this, (that does come, but of lessor impact because it is later), rather it is making a big deal of his potential self-doubting approach that you are going to take throughout the story. I'm self-doubting enough, so I don't want to read a self-indulgent self-doubting character that this is promising - it would annoy me. (At least, not one so honest from the start).
quote:I shot up from the stump like a rocket being launched and lost my footing on the packed snow,did a one eighty and landed on my butt.
This is where a POV doesn't seem right. Looking at a rocket is a third person point of view, so creating an image of the "I" as if from a viewpoint outside of them, contradicts the first person POV. Some may argue that the words used don't actually disallow the first person, but they are images that are more commonly viewed from a third person distance than from an in-line camera view. "I jumped up, lost my footing on the hard snow, spun half-around and landed on my butt." is the same sentence without the POV shifts.
quote:I looked up and my eyes widened for not ten yards away a large,dark,triangular shaped craft hovered and a lone individual stood in a opening illuminated by a red light.
"my eyes widened" is another of these 3rd person POV. "I felt my eyes widen" or "I raised my eyebrows" or "My eyes opened wide in surprise" are some replacements. They have an action done by the MC conveyed through the MC. "not ten yards away" - make that positive. Negatives only confuse. "large, dark, triangular-shaped craft hovered" - too much information all at once. Which is important to the story? perhaps the word dark. How big is large? "lone individual" - tautology The widening eyes suggests that the pace is moving up a gear. so the real problem of all this information is that it has slowed down the pace again. Furthermore, it gives no indication which information is important and which isn't, so, since it is the opening, I must assume that all is critically important to the story. So I am looking at how dreams interact with triangles, which interacts with the character's grip on reality, which interacts with lone individuals, which interacts with dark craft, which interacts with red lights, which interacts with the MC's clumsiness. All because these issues seemed to be given equal weight by your sentence structure.
Stepping down, having well and truly spent my dollars worth. :-)
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glub,glub gasping for breath. "Hey granny, I said three balls for a dollar." With a s.. eating grin on her face she cups a hand to her ear. "A, I thought you said free balls till you holler." Thanks for the help Brendan. First off, busted on the spaces. I hope the three of you are satisfied with yourselves because pointing out what you did, a new 13 came to me and I can fit it in without much trouble. Now I have to try again.
There should be a warning posted. Beware, attempting to write a good 13 can become addictive.
My editorial instincts say this opening is overwritten and needs tightening.
For example: ‘I never imagined I'd be sitting on a cold stump at the edge of a potato field contemplating my grip on reality, but here I was. I stared up at the massive oak silhouetted against the starlit sky.’
This is setting, which unless critical to the plot and opening, should be slipped in after you have engaged the reader.
I recommend starting with the ‘LONE INDIVIDUAL’ – give more detail, show what he / she looks like, and then describe the ‘LARGE, DARK, TRIANGULAR SHAPED CRAFT,’ which is hovering nearby. Is it a spacecraft? What is it? Is it a threat? Does it have weapons? Does it carry large caliber spells?
Don’t talk about being ‘bonkers’ or giving your word at this point. Do it (later) after you have the reader wondering what Garic has got himself into.
Point of view: Through whose eyes does this story unfold? ‘MY EYES WIDENED…’ Who sees this? And the bit about shooting up from the stump – is it important to the plot? If it isn’t, cut it, because it gets in the way of what is important (Garic meets the lone individual).
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