posted
At first blush I like it, but let me think on it. I'm not too certain, in my humble opinion , of the first sentence; does it have the greatest attention grabbing impact on readers? Can it be better? Not more graphic, violent or icky, just better.
Phil.
PS. I'll also think on your story structural conundrums.
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I think you're right, Phil. I pulled this out from the end of the chapter, and didn't pay too much mind to the opening sentence. eXtrinsic made some good points about slowing down time, and together with Emma's key insights, I've extended the crash to three paragraphs, adding in more details, a little more polysyndeton, and I reworked the beginning sentence a bit.
I'm not sure I can avoid some sort of flashback or reflection without tossing out the cinema scenes. Maybe I should, but it's the only major flashback I plan to have, and it does so much for her character that ... I don't know. I think I'd need someone with a better sense of this to take a fresh look at it. I've been trying to find local writing groups, but them pickin's be slim. I may have to organize one myself.
Thirteen lines follow:
The old car lept as it mounted the bridge, bounced, fled to the opposing lane, and overcorrected back towards the guardrail where she stood, illuminating her stunned and soaked body like stage lights in a dread and tragic play. She was helpless to act, horror overtaking her as a crack in the battered windshield appeared to catch the moon and rip it to shreds. The tires cried out as brakes locked, but the vehicle, undenied its fatal role, struck her dead-on.
She was bent nearly in two across the grill, her legs shattering across the chrome bumper. Burning engine oil and rubber assaulted her nose and her hands slid across the hot and rusted metal hood. Her face impacted the glass with a solid crunch. She was thrown, airborne and limp and keenly aware.
The opening now comprises three full paragraphs and a couple closing lines. I did remove her name from the opening line, but it is mentioned once when she is reaching for the surface. I think I need it to indicate who is getting struck for the flashback.
It's funny eXtrinsic, that you should mention transitions. I used ~-~ to indicate the end of this scene and the start of the flashback.
Ooo... I should make the transition look like a rose. 0_0
-,-'-@
I began the flashback with a modified version of the Miss Pinkerton opening from earlier:
quote:Two hours prior, Gwen accepted the money an elderly woman handed her through the hole in the ticket booth window of the little cinema where she worked.
I didn't like to use "Two hours prior..." (I may adjust that time, but it seems reasonable), but it seems to be the least intrusive way to indicate clearly where the story is now. Meh, I may just be fretting about this opening too much. I should get cracking on Scylia's chapter. I think I'm going to devote one to each of the major protagonists. I suppose this means the story will have three major openings. Still need to fill in about 10 chapters worth of plot, add in a romance, a b and c plot... uhg. I thought I had more of this worked out.
[edit] uhg. "seems" is one my squirrely words. I need to cut that out.
quote:Originally posted by drew: I began the flashback with a modified version of the Miss Pinkerton opening from earlier:
quote:Two hours prior, Gwen accepted the money an elderly woman handed her through the hole in the ticket booth window of the little cinema where she worked.
I didn't like to use "Two hours prior..." (I may adjust that time, but it seems reasonable), but it seems to be the least intrusive way to indicate clearly where the story is now. Meh, I may just be fretting about this opening too much.
If -,-'-@ marks the scene jump transition, that signal type is often ample for readers to soon enough realize a transition is underway. By the way, a type art rose, stem, and thorns side-on emulates a rose laid on a coffin. Exquisite.
Peter Matthiessen, Far Tortuga, 1975, uses variant Sun or Moon phase and sky condition and weather state for chapter title art, that imply the chapters' setting situation and dramatic characteristics. The rose one might vary throughout for similar cues, and accords such type arts' classic "vignette" type: 1 : "a running ornament (as of vine leaves, tendrils, or grapes) put on or just before a title page or at the beginning or end of a chapter" (Webster's.) For later publication preparation considerations.
For to tame the clunky and awkward narrator tell "Two hours prior," consider past perfect tense auxiliary in the subsequent main idea clause instead? "Gwen [had] accepted the money" and maybe another short succession past-time cue or so as well.
Young adult readers accept some degree of hands-held guidance, more than I might -- blessed by a cursed danger-close, personal read aptitude. A writer intuition to leave no immediate detail equivocal distrusts readers, and wants adjustments that learn to trust target readers' cognitive aptitude. Actually, a slight lead ahead of readers' cognitive aptitude contrarily appeals, due to gives credit for readers' smarts. Smarter than readers think they are; that is, smarter than a writing: smart writing.
The past-time scene chapter can get around to unequivocal When relative to the present now at leisure; in fact, that's a subtle time management skill, to which tension appeal attends. The question, When is this? or similar who, where, what, why, how, wants answer delayed yet answered before readers think to ask.
When clearly answered enough within a paragraph or two would do the subtle tension mischief, and successive unequivocal confirmation soon thereafter. That suits the target audience's cognitive aptitude and story craft's appeal methods. Again, though, write ahead anyway. These above are apt for later revision considerations.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: If -,-'-@ marks the scene jump transition, that signal type is often enough for readers to soon enough realize a transition is underway. By the way, a type art rose, stem, and thorns side-on emulates a rose laid on a coffin. Exquisite.
Ha! I never considered that. Neat observation.
I've always known the cover art for the book would feature three intertwined roses, even before I knew the whole plot. The Roses spoken of in the title refer to the flowers that grow in the field that are indicators of the presence of strong magic, but also they represent the three major characters, strong, independent women in their own right, unappreciated yet intrinsically valuable in the end.
Recently, I've been listening to Brandon Sanderson's lectures on YouTube, and in one he talks about the twining roses motif being a symbol of clashes in characters, the thorns pricking each other, that blossom into something beautiful in the end. A rocky start leading to internal conflict that the characters have to resolve in order to allow their differences to manifest the beauty they display when they work towards a singular goal, using their unique gifts to enhance each other, rather than conflict with one another.
When I heard that, I knew it was perfect for my story. I had some conflict between the characters, and much exists between the two alien species already, but now I'm going to play that up a bit more and really let it shine. It's likely been done to death, but I can't see not doing it at all. Meh, nothing new under the sun, so why worry. It's the execution that really matters. Besides, the more layers I can find for this story, the better I believe it will be.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Peter Matthiessen, Far Tortuga, 1975, uses variant Sun or Moon phase and condition and weather state for chapter title art, that imply the chapter's setting situation and dramatic characteristics. The rose one might vary throughout for similar cues, and accords such type arts' classic "vignette" type: 1 : "a running ornament (as of vine leaves, tendrils, or grapes) put on or just before a title page or at the beginning or end of a chapter" (Webster's.) For later publication preparation considerations.
Hrmm... illustrations would be best, I think. I can do them myself. I was already planning on doing the cover art. The text can just be a placeholder. What if we start with one closed rose for Galwin's tale, add another twined with hers for Scylia's introduction, and a third bound to the first two when Lyra makes her entrance.
Then, as the story becomes tense and the three are at odds, I could have the illustrations bind them ever tighter, or twist into knots, or facing in different directions, maybe two grouped against one. Then, as they learn to work with each other, they loosen before finally blossoming to full display as the finale approaches.
0_0 That's good stuff. Yep, we're doing that for certain! Man, if I can pull this off, I think it could really be something. It even implies possibilities for a sequel, with withering and falling petals. But... I'm counting chickens and looking at eggs here. -_-'
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: For to tame the clunky and awkward narrator tell "Two hours prior," consider past perfect tense auxiliary in the subsequent main idea clause instead? "Gwen [had] accepted the money" and maybe another short succession past-time cue or so as well.
Interesting, so just imply a time shift with tense.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Young adult readers accept some degree of hands-held guidance, more than I might -- blessed by a cursed danger-close, personal read aptitude. A writer intuition to leave no immediate detail equivocal distrusts readers, and wants adjustments that learn to trust target readers' cognitive aptitude. Actually, a slight lead ahead of readers' cognitive aptitude contrarily appeals, due to gives credit for readers' smarts. Smarter than readers think they are; that is, smarter than a writing: smart writing.
Natch. I have to give them more credit. I forget, sometimes, that not everyone is as dense as my local peer group.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: The past-time scene chapter can get around to unequivocal when relative to the present now at leisure; in fact, that's a subtle time management skill, to which tension appeal attends. The question, When is this? or similar who, where, what, why, how, wants answer delayed yet answered before readers think to ask.
Clearly answered enough within a paragraph or two would do the subtle tension mischief, and successive unequivocal confirmation soon thereafter. That suits the target audience's cognitive aptitude and story craft's appeal methods.
Perhaps, just to not lose the less observant, but I think you were right before. The transition illustration coupled with the subtle tense change (and the obvious fact of Gwen being seemingly vital and not shunned as an undead monster), should be enough to convey the notion of a flashback. Meh, I guess another little nod to it couldn't hurt.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Again, though, write ahead anyway. These above are for later revision considerations.
Okay okay. I get the hint. I'll start right away on the next chapter. I'm probably doing what I sometimes do with figure drawing, filling in features and details before I have the form roughed out. Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
You'll probably want to jump on those title art roses straightaway. A few considerations:
Book block interior art is best black and white line illustrations, most visible for it once published. Matthiesen's are gray-scale and continuous tone. 1975 print technology managed those fine. 2019 print technology does, too, maybe simpler, especially for small scale print-on-demand book printers. Large scale book printers take an additional continuous-tone images halftone step for print plate pre-preparation.
Interior color print is a ten times resource expenditure over black and white or continuous gray-scale tone either way. Online book print services, CreateSpace, for one, loathe interior color, though will for $$$.
A client wanted title type art: thirteen black-and-white lunar phases. A few softwares managed that concision magic. A vector draw design software created the images, jpegs exported to a vector graphics app created the individual glyph objects, and imported the individual glyphs into a typeface design app as svg. file format, typeface file exported to a TrueType Font file: LunaSymbols.ttf.
The client composed the typescript art titles from those, exported the whole to PDF, and submitted the PDF. Embedded fonts maintained the lunar type art as intended across hardware, software, and wetware platforms and applications. Those, too, are no-loss detail scaleable per type point size, and transfer to a publisher readymade for book print publication.
I've prepared all kinds of graphics for submission and publication preparations: ancient, old, modern, and post-new schools. Long ago, was a job shop product setup; cold and hot lead, the metal, typesetter; printer, binder, bookmaker drudge. My editor forte, as it were, anymore, is developmental guidance and preparations. Though not a prospector for client work here at Hatrack. A regular client's copyedit workload recently added a third more pages. Yay!
posted
I was planning on just doing some simple black and white line art in vector format with my drawing tablet and a cheap art program I have (can't really justify the costs of Adobe products for non-professional use). I should be able to crank out the set in short order. The cover art, on the other hand, may take some time and a few revisions before I settle. I could be persuaded to go with a more professional artist for that, but I still think I can do it justice. The idea is fairly simple, and reference images abound. It helps that I can see the book cover in my head. That's usually a good sign.
Are double dedications uncommon? I feel like I should give proper credit to the people who helped bring this to bloom. I can't fathom usurping Lexi, though. She was my first critic long ago, and the person who inspired me to write. Perhaps a page mentioning all the people behind the scenes. Hrmm..
Anyway's I've started in on the next chapter. I had to stop and flesh out some minor characters to bring it fully into the light of day. The scene takes place in a ruined metropolis, modeled loosely after 1930's Chicago during prohibition, in so far as there is much depression, tons of street gangs and mobs, corruption is rampant and lots of people are living in poverty or outright squalor. The war hit this city really hard, and it has yet to fully recover.
I did decide to cut out the riverbank scene. We now pick up in Scylia's viewpoint as she's chasing Fawn(Gwen) through crowded streets. No cars or their equivalent, exist in this world, so streets are more European in design. The government provides mass transit, but hardly any common folk use it. Mainly suits and bosses and "G Men". Still working out proper nouns.
Prior to the chapter's opening, Fawn(Gwen) slipped out of Scylia's grasp and vanished into the crowd. Gwen is completely overwhelmed by, well, everything, and doesn't even think this is real yet. I was going to have an awakening during her fall, but I scrapped that for a more gradual realization, fear, anger, desperation drive her right now. Her motive is to leap from a bridge again, hoping to go home the way she came.
Yeah, probably too much expository setup. I just wanted to paint the picture in case things were... weird. I'm having a blast coming up with new slang and nouns for common things. I think I can only do so much of that, though. I may limit it just to Scylia's viewpoint.
OH! That leads me to language. Heh. Aliens, and all that.
How does Gwen speak, understand, communicate? This is one of the reasons I went with the possession of Fawn (not because the first idea was terrible, no sir!</sarcasm>). In Gwen's mind, she is speaking and hearing American English, or a close approximation, but through Fawn's brain it gets translated into Paltic. That's the crap name I have for the colonist species right now. It's... meh.
The Lorens are naturally without language, and never had names for things before the Palts arrived. So, everything is Paltic, including the name of the Lorens and Lore, the planet they inhabit. I thought this was a neat way to cop out of that little conundrum.
So... 13 lines. Onwards to Chapter Two: (Yes, I know hazardest is not a word)
Scylia almost caught up to the young girl dressed in rags she had known as Fawn for most of her life on the streets of Joxxton. She was the one who gave the quiet unassuming street kid her nickname.
“Damnit, Whispers!” She was never this hard to keep up with before. Something must have really spooked the meek little thing. Scylia was getting fed up with always having to get her out of some tough spot. This latest trouble, though, she knew Fawn couldn't handle. She wondered if even she could. Word was that Dreggur had a hand to play. That sounded like his style. The way he used the youngest to do the hazardest made her ache for an opening to take him down. But Dreggur was one of those cowardly sods, never without his crew of pipe biters and rock tossers.
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An acknowledgments page may recognize substantial contributors. Traditionally, such pages were part of backmatter, before a colophon page, more often now are frontmatter, next after a personal dedication page. An acknowledgements page may also include attributions for external content use-license used or for public domain properties cited, referenced, alluded to, or inspired by, within a narrative.
Several standalone typeface design freewares are offered online. Medium to higher difficulty learning curve. Users beware: some offered are bait-and-switch scams, some are shareware freemiums term limited, some are free registerware phisches, some are outright malware, or are linked to malign page-switch phicheries.
My several vendorware publication software suites are the more economical Corel line. Still . . .
I used typeface freeware and my clumsy block-letter handwriting to design a complete typeface for caller cards (business cards-like: e-mail address only, which is my given name at surname dot yada), for printer printed resemblance of handwritten apostrophe and epistle and personal letters, etc. My handwriting grows evermore unreadable due to past vocational hand and wrist injuries worsen.
posted
I gotta just say, I'm glad I read our host's chapter on attitude before jumping in to chapter two. Scylia has it in spades.
Ah, typeface. I think I can find instructional materials with guide lines and just wing it. As long as I keep the style consistent, it should be acceptable. I have experience with pixel art, which can be tedious and precise, and while it doesn't translate directly, I have designed fonts in that way for games. We'll see how it goes. I tend to do things the hard way. Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
Attitude, for social etiquette reasons, overall tone and attitudes are, together, one of a cornucopia of prose challenges writers resist. Don't make a public spectacle scene, we're ordered or told or exhorted or "suggested." Do make a scene on the performance page, interior discourse and exterior. Aptly strong and clear attitude appeals for the chapter two, first version fragment.
Some clunky diction and syntax for the fragment, a punctuation flaw or two. The drama movement and ACT setup are powerful: Antagonism (motivation, complication), Causation (stakes risked, conflict), and Tension (emotion, tone, attitude) movement. The clunk is more so organization impediments to read and comprehension ease than content and drama shortfalls.
The first sentence, for example, wordy though "correct" grammar, though clumsy wordiness is advised against: seven prepositions, several clauses and complement phrases, not clear which is the main idea, an "almost" mistake, and a possible emphasis inversion. The main idea is the now-moment Scylia can't keep up to Fawn, right? The rest of the sentence is past backstory and information writer wants reader to know, though somewhat disguised as personal attitudinal thought.
A grammar breakdown of the sentence, similar to a sentence diagram analysis:
"Scylia almost caught up to" Main idea, main clause? Noun subject, adverb, three-word verb, main verb and two particles, "up" prepositional adverb and "to" preposition.
"the young girl dressed in rags" Main clause's object verbal phrase, article adjective, adjective, object phrase's main noun, adjectival-verbal phrase verb (participial, adverbial), "in" particle prepositional adverb of the two-word verb participle "dressed in," noun object complement of the phrase.
"she had known as Fawn" Object complement verbal phrase, pronoun, an artful de re use, past perfect helper verb, verb, correlation conjunction (apt "as" use), noun.
"for most of her life" Second object complement phrase, preposition, superlative adjective "positive" case (means other than comparative or compared to a superlative degree against another term or terms [many (the standard positive adjective term of the sequence), more (comparative), most (superlative), or much, more, most ("much," positive, qualitative, an apter term)]), preposition, pronoun, noun.
"on the streets of Joxxton." Third object complement phrase, prepositional adverb, article adjective, noun object of the phrase, preposition, attributive adjectival proper noun, (Joxxton streets).
Overall, that's a loose sentence's main clause first, though subsequent complex sentence phrases abate amplitude and lower force movement, opposite of loose sentences' amplitude and force increase emphasis function. A periodic sentence's movement likewise increases amplitude and force from start to end, though a main clause is at a sentence end.
Figures include abating (anesis), lowers amplitude, which is the sentence's amplitude and force movement overall direction; and opposite epitasis (stretches), heightens amplitude; auxesis, force increases; and opposite, catacosmesis, force decreases, as is the sentence. Through those four figures, a complex or complex-compound sentence's movement, loose or periodic, may artfully flow two opposite or congruent amplitude and force directions.
From such a breakdown, writers, such as moi, later revise for enhanced read and comprehend ease, strength, clarity, emphasis, organization, appeal, and narrative distance facets, such as third-person, limited, close emphasis, albeit the subject fragment for a deuteragonist viewpoint: second contestant, second to enter, second in significance to a protagonist: Gwen-Fawn.
A next to enter and next significance contestant is a triagonist. Plus maybe an antagonist or two soon or late. Readers can cope with novels' ensemble casts of up to seven or so contestants -- agonists -- so long as each is distinct and of an emphasis proportion, and each is someway influential to a protagonist's motives (Antagonism, complication) and stakes risked (Causation, conflict).
The work queue exploded with pages, six hundred-plus on copyedit deadlines. Pages to go before I sleep, so I don't have time at the moment to demonstrate a recast of that first sentence or offer further comments about the fragment, at this time.
The latest fragments show storycraft skill movement from informational essay toward performance narrative methods, in rapid succession, too. Well done.
(The hardest way is often the easiest way -- long term. Fewest do-overs.)
I might could read further as a somewhat engaged reader. Though the fragment content appeals, the organization as is somewhat wants more interpretation effort than a read and comprehend ease expectation anticipates. Not more handholds, per se, a smoother and clearer and stronger flow organization.
[Edit: On a brief hooky from work break. An acknowledgement of Hatrack contributions might note -- an encomium's sole, indirect, sincere praise and genuine flattery purpose, that is -- generous and invaluable Hatrack River Writers Workshop insights.]
posted
Invaluable is indeed the proper adjective! This story would remain unpublished, and likely unfinished, if not for your extremely valuable advice and insight. The readers will know your efforts brought this work to them. I will make certain of that. Our host also needs a nod or two for his part, both in providing this forum and also for his instructional books, from which I am still learning.
I think this is a bit clearer than the first draft. I added a tad more description to set the scene, and tried to give a little more motive indication. That line "Stupid." may be too much, as it contradicts her actions and the rest of the text, but in a way, I think it's right. She knows she could do better on her own, and that getting into fights for others does her little good except to hone her skills and give her a reputation, but at the same time....
Scylia hustled along the narrow, packed street, trying to catch the young girl she had known as Fawn, but the little rat scampered and darted away before vanishing into the crowd. Those stupid rags she insisted on wearing were the perfect camouflage for Joxxton. Scylia peered up and down the tight rubbled alleys and ruined streets. Fawn wasn't her problem, and yet here she was. Stupid. She tried to imagine just turning around and walking away, letting Fawn fend for herself, but couldn't. After all, she was a scrapper, and enjoyed dishing it out, especially for the little ones. That's probably why Fawn shadowed her for most of their young street life. They were tight as twine, and she even nicknamed the girl when they first met.
Thank you for pointing out the progress being made. It's encouraging. I've let some people read the opening we worked out, and I have yet to hear a bad review. A girl who falls just outside the target audience claimed she doesn't like to read, but wanted to continue reading this. That's neat.
posted
The workload expanded more, and more expected for several more days.
So a few comments about the latest version.
"Scylia hustled along the narrow, packed street, trying to catch the young girl she had known as Fawn, but the little rat scampered and darted away before vanishing into the crowd."
Long sentence, a train-wreck run-on ("fused sentence," anymore), again, a main idea(s) emphasis and narrative point of view, viewpoint, and narrative distance strength occluded and defused by connective tissue clutter.
Simpler, stronger, clearer recast demonstration:
//Along a cramped lane, Scylia hustled to catch the girl she knew as Fawn. The little brat scampered and darted away, vanished through a rabid street mob.//
Or similar other. Similar minor adjustments to the other sentences could likewise tighten and amplify the overall flow.
posted
A few more de-clutter demonstrations. Caught up for the moment from a fifteen-hundred page week-long deluge.
"Those stupid rags she insisted on wearing were the perfect camouflage for Joxxton."
"stupid" is an apt word, contrasted to the street smarts of urban camouflage -- irony's congruent opposites.
//Those stupid rags Fawn wore, she insisted were perfect Joxxton camouflage.//
"Scylia peered up and down the tight[,] rubbled alleys and ruined streets."
"Scylia peered . . ." narrator filtered perception and overwrought sentence. Otherwise, missed comma for the double adjective modifier of "alley." A compound adjective and verbal adjective participle phrase wants a hyphen, //tight-rubbled//, though that's more nonsensical yet.
//Fawn could hide anywhere among the town's rubble alleys and ruined streets.//
"Fawn wasn't her problem[;] and yet[,] here she was."
Fawn is Scylia's problem at the moment and for a past and future time span, right? Fawn is her problem to shepherd for a time, sublime irony, a litotes negation statement's positive opposite affirmation.
"yet" there equates to however, etc. //. . . problem; and, however, regardless, nevertheless, nonetheless, irrespective, anyway, though, although, etc., here she was//? Huh-uh for any one or more of those terms. The downstyle to "yet" intuition is valid, eliminates unnecessary comma and other punctuation separation, too; however, is clunky and confused either way. Wants a semicolon, though; otherwise, would be a comma splice no-no.
//Fawn was not hers to mind; yet here she was.//
"Stupid." Apt repetition and turns the word to a new use and meaning from the prior use. Apt sentence fragment emotional exclamation. No want for an exclamation mark, either; a woebegone, self-reflexive, emotional understatement as is.
"She tried to imagine just turning around and walking away, letting Fawn fend for herself, but couldn't."
Maybe wants some de-clutter and a single tense sequence direction?
//She imagined walking away, let Fawn fend for herself, and could not.//
"and" is always a more apt and less visible conjunction than "but," especially if "but" equates to though, although, or however, etc., contradiction conjunctions.
A thought about contractions: fantasy and science fiction readers are accustomed to contraction words spelled out whole for non-native English users' uses. Scylia, et al, could think and speak whole words, and Gwen-Fawn think and speak contractions, for subtle distinctions of each's natural idiolects.
Some wordiness for aesthetic purposes is worthwhile, though clumsy wordiness only fills word count clutter. Besides, page real estate and reader engagement and attention span saved for stronger and clearer content is wise expression.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: A few more de-clutter demonstrations. Caught up for the moment from a fifteen-hundred page week-long deluge.
All work and no play? I hope you have time for yourself. Not that I'm not grateful to the extreme. Your critiques are like jewels.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "Those stupid rags she insisted on wearing were the perfect camouflage for Joxxton."
"stupid" is an apt word, contrasted to the street smarts of urban camouflage -- irony's congruent opposites.
//Those stupid rags Fawn wore, she insisted were perfect Joxxton camouflage.//
A very accurate assessment. However, in this instance, I think the usage is appropriate. Scylia does think the rags are stupid, precisely because they hide Fawn so well. Scylia is very bold and fearless. The fact that someone would willingly wrap themselves in garbage, just to avoid conflict, seems cowardly to her. She would call a ghillie suit stupid for the same reason. She would not approve of gorilla tactics.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "Scylia peered up and down the tight[,] rubbled alleys and ruined streets."
"Scylia peered . . ." narrator filtered perception and overwrought sentence. Otherwise, missed comma for the double adjective modifier of "alley." A compound adjective and verbal adjective participle phrase wants a hyphen, //tight-rubbled//, though that's more nonsensical yet.
//Fawn could hide anywhere among the town's rubble alleys and ruined streets.//
Crap. I thought I had that filtering problem licked. Thank you. I'm trying to cut back on my use of commas. My sentences tend to run on if I don't. In Lyra's chapter (the third, which I've just started on), I am giving her shorter sentences with few commas. Partly to reduce my run on sentences, and also partly to give her a different style. Words are not native to their species, so it doesn't make sense to me to have that species use wordy sentences. Plus, observant readers should be able to quickly tell who's viewpoint we're in, if I can make each one distinct enough. Well, that's the idea.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "Fawn wasn't her problem[;] and yet[,] here she was."
Fawn is Scylia's problem at the moment and for a past and future time span, right? Fawn is her problem to shepherd for a time, sublime irony, a litotes negation statement's positive opposite affirmation.
Yes, Scylia chose to make Fawn her problem. Her internal conflict about it is interesting to me. On one hand, she despises people like Fawn for being weak and cowardly, incapable of helping themselves and always getting into trouble because of their incompetence.
On the other hand, Scylia loves having someone to protect, a reason to get into fights (she adores fighting), a person that depends on her skills and capability who will thank and praise her generous sacrifice. If she's honest with herself, she loves Fawn like a little sister, and would die to protect her. No other person like Fawn has that affect over her, so it's deeper than just an ego trip.
She literally chastises herself for doing the right thing, because it goes against the character she presents to the world, who isn't quite as likable. However, she does do the right thing in the end, even if it cracks that public mask she puts on, because she really is a good person.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "yet" there equates to however, etc. //. . . problem; and, however, regardless, nevertheless, nonetheless, irrespective, anyway, though, although, etc., here she was//? Huh-uh for any one or more of those terms. The downstyle to "yet" intuition is valid, eliminates unnecessary comma and other punctuation separation, too; however, is clunky and confused either way. Wants a semicolon, though; otherwise, would be a comma splice no-no.
//Fawn was not hers to mind; yet here she was.//
I claim absolute naivety when it comes to the proper use of semicolons. That's probably one of my biggest grammatical failings. I'll attempt to remedy this.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "Stupid." Apt repetition and turns the word to a new use and meaning from the prior use. Apt sentence fragment emotional exclamation. No want for an exclamation mark, either; a woebegone, self-reflexive, emotional understatement as is.
Cool. I wasn't sure about that. I wondered if it might be too much. That one word thing becomes part of her style in the rest of the chapter. I use similar single word sentences: Funny. Crap. Smart. They summarize what she's thinking or feeling in one word. Neither Lyra nor Gwen (heh, I'm still typing Galwin and having to edit it on the fly) do this. Gwen has a more-or-less normal way of speaking, and Lyra is simpler in some ways. It's subtle, I hope, unlike Scylia's style. She is much more outrageous, so I believe this sort of thing works well in her viewpoint.
I may let their styles bleed over a little as they learn to work together. Seems a little trite, but so does the twining roses motif. I'll have to be careful, or creative; with luck, both. I think just a little dab will do, really.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: "She tried to imagine just turning around and walking away, letting Fawn fend for herself, but couldn't."
Maybe wants some de-clutter and a single tense sequence direction?
//She imagined walking away, let Fawn fend for herself, and could not.//
"and" is always a more apt and less visible conjunction than "but," especially if "but" equates to though, although, or however, etc., contradiction conjunctions.
Using 'and' without 'tried' alters the sentence to be nonsensical, doesn't it?
//She imagined ... and could not.// Did she or didn't she?
If you keep the 'tried', then 'and' is a little more sensical, I believe.
// She tried ... and could not// She tried and failed.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: A thought about contractions: fantasy and science fiction readers are accustomed to contraction words spelled out whole for non-native English users' uses. Scylia, et al, could think and speak whole words, and Gwen-Fawn think and speak contractions, for subtle distinctions of each's natural idiolects.
Some wordiness for aesthetic purposes is worthwhile, though clumsy wordiness only fills word count clutter. Besides, page real estate and reader engagement and attention span saved for stronger and clearer content is wise expression.
Good point. I'll try to make their viewpoint prose more in line with their culture. I was sort of trying for something like that, but you illustrate other improvements. I was already reducing wordiness for the third major character. I think my subconscious is smarter than I am.
Thanks loads. I'll post what I have for Lyra's chapter, and then I think I'll just plow through the remainder of the novel on my own. I imagine you could find more fault in later chapters, but I am starting to feel like I should be cutting you a check.
I'd stop here, but I also sort of want to show off her introduction. Sometimes you just gotta toss the ol' ego a biscuit.
Rewrote a bunch of the second chapter, and tried to incorporate your current critique. I think it's fine if we just move on. You gotta leave some things for the in-house editor to pick at. ^_^
Scylia hurried and shoved her way through the bustle of the late afternoon. Her prey scampered, darted away, and vanished into the crowd. Those stupid rags Fawn insisted on wearing were the perfect camouflage. The streets were congested with old war vets, unemployed farm hands and a myriad of low lifes on the lookout for an easy gain. Fawn wasn't her problem. But, here she was, chasing that little whisp through Joxxton. Stupid. She tried to imagine walking away, to let Fawn go it alone, and could not. Someone had messed with her friend. Funny. Usually Fawn shadowed her. She found her one night, shivering under a bridge, knocked about by a couple of local boys. Scylia nicknamed the girl when they first met, then she beat the snot out of the bigger kid. The other one ran. Smart. The two girls had been tight as twine ever since.
[edit] oops, accidentally posted an unedited copy... which I can't leave alone... That whole "Fawn wasn't her problem" part still feels wonky no matter how I rewrite it. I may have to convey that in a completely different way, or cut it altogether.
posted
And, as promised, Lyra's introduction. I rather like this one.
Lyra slipped off Lt. Lance like an old dress. His limp body collapsed to the cold ground with a satisfying thump. He would have a bruise later from where his head struck the hard stone floor. She didn't care. She had been wearing him for far too many hours. His muscles were starting to cramp from his unconscious struggle. His body needed sleep. Lyra needed to rest as well. Manipulating a body was always a struggle for Lorens. Contorting the flesh and bone of a man who hates you so deeply was exhausting. She needed to recharge and to get out of that head. So many horrors. Too many deaths.
The old cell was known only to Lance and her. It was the perfect place to keep him while she tended to herself. He would be up in a few moments. He would be vowing punishment and death.
[edit] And it's only now that I realize that Lorens don't wear clothes... or dresses. Crapbaskets. But I love the metaphor. Using snake's skin is out. No snakes on Lore. I could name a creature and say it slithers out of it's skin, but.... Gah. Fantasy world problems.
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posted
Fantasy and science fiction and metaphors enjoy an uneasy comprehension relationship. If Lyra and Lorens are parasites, or symbiotes, or a weighted-proportion mix, less comprehension strain if metaphors are less abstract to ride and similar verbs and companion nouns: hitchhikers and the like.
Lyra would not consider herself a parasite, though. A rider, pilot, drover, or driver, shepherd, forager, shopper, stalker, hunter, etc., yes, and a victim as livestock, chattel, property, goods, prey, a vehicle, vessel, platform, etc.
Whether urban, rural, rustic, civilized, feral, or wild, or industrial or pastoral, what are Lorens and Lyra in particular? Seems to me they are native pastoral rustics made into industrial urbans by lately come-heres.
For example:
"Lyra slipped off Lt. Lance like an old dress."
//Lyra [exited] Lt. Lance, like [escape] _from_ an old [nag].//
Or for defused name-first first word(s) open narrative distance, to closer distance:
//Like [escape] (or -ing, -ed) _from_ an old [bore], Lyra [loosed] Lt. Lance.//
Many practical metaphor substitutes suit those above bracketed words and whatever parasite-symbiote Lyra and Lorens situation and nature. Other prepositional adverbs, too, might suit substitution for the "off" or "from" directional situations: above, behind, below, etc.
posted
//She imagined walking away, let Fawn fend for herself, and could not.//
Reflexive "and could not" governs "imagined walking away" and "let Fawn fend for herself". Though Scylia imagined walking away, she could not walk away nor let Fawn fend for herself.
A type of extended syllepsis: "When a single word [or phrase, as here] that governs or modifies two or more others [or phrases] must be understood differently with respect to each of those words [or phrases]." (Gideon Burton, Silva Rhetoricae, rhetoric.byu.edu) Perhaps a might too much of a cognitive inversion for the audience, though.
A thought for consideration: If some readers don't notice this or that and don't care, and some readers do, might as well accommodate both rather than alienate either.
"She tried to imagine walking away, to let Fawn go it alone, and could not."
Works that above accommodate both audiences mischief well enough.
"I may let their styles bleed over a little as they learn to work together. Seems a little trite,"
Far from trite, rather, Fawn, Scylia, and Lyra would naturally echo each other's idiolects, out of alignment persuasions, a subtle method to show, at first, their natural discord, then gradual rapport development.
"You gotta leave some things for the in-house editor to pick at."
A myth that leaves many more than a few writers foundered upon a gatekeeper's shoals. If only a few minor nondiscretionary adjustments are wanted, if any, then that is valid enough. If more than a few, more than enough to want extensive adjustments, an acquisition editor might balk at the resource expenditures, even if a typescript merits publication due to otherwise fresh and robust drama and social commentary.
Anymore, a submission is expected to be all but ready or all ready as is for prime-time debut. Writers engage independent editors to reach that end, either beforehand, or at the prompt of a tentative acceptance, at a publisher's discretion. The headquarters bean counters run the show anymore. Elimination of most in-house copyeditor staff was a no-brainer for many houses some decades ago.
Hence, why the prose editor profession transferred from publishers' staffs to independent operations of variant competent to incompetent levels or to literary agency staff and their prompts to preferred outside editors -- at a writer's expense regardless.
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quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Fantasy and science fiction and metaphors enjoy an uneasy comprehension relationship. If Lyra and Lorens are parasites, or symbiotes, or a weighted-proportion mix, less comprehension strain if metaphors are less abstract to ride and similar verbs and companion nouns: hitchhikers and the like.
Lyra would not consider herself a parasite, though. A rider, pilot, drover, or driver, shepherd, forager, shopper, stalker, hunter, etc., yes, and a victim as livestock, chattel, property, goods, prey, a vehicle, vessel, platform, etc.
Whether urban, rural, rustic, civilized, feral, or wild, or industrial or pastoral, what are Lorens and Lyra in particular? Seems to me they are native pastoral rustics made into industrial urbans by lately come-heres.
For example:
"Lyra slipped off Lt. Lance like an old dress."
//Lyra [exited] Lt. Lance, like [escape] _from_ an old [nag].//
Or for defused name-first first word(s) open narrative distance, to closer distance:
//Like [escape] (or -ing, -ed) _from_ an old [bore], Lyra [loosed] Lt. Lance.//
Many practical metaphor substitutes suit those above bracketed words and whatever parasite-symbiote Lyra and Lorens situation and nature. Other prepositional adverbs, too, might suit substitution for the "off" or "from" directional situations: above, behind, below, etc.
The Lorens are native wild. The Palts are urban industrial. Lyra and the Lorens are magical energy beings, like ghosts or plasma beings in sci-fi. They can possess biological creatures, but it is not permanent nor perfect. It is a violation of the war treaty for a Loren to possess a Palt as Lyra is doing. They are not parasitic, in that they do not require biological beings to maintain their existence. It can be fun, though, to possess a biological being. Lyra possessing Lance, however, is not fun for either one of them.
When Lyra slips off (or more aptly, out of) Lance, visually, his body goes unconscious and falls straight down to the floor, revealing a roughly bipedal blue ghost-like form without clearly defined features "standing" in his place. They tend to float above the ground, and never really manifest full legs or feet. Sometimes they are just a pillar, without arm-like appendages. They can alter their shape, manifest limbs, resemble beasts or clouds or swirling mists. They are not fully tangible, but can manipulate solid matter, or pass through it, if it is not too dense.
Before the Palts landed on Lore to colonize the planet, they thought the weird energy anomalies were a natural phenomena, not intelligent sentient beings. They thought the planet was uninhabited. Prior to the arrival of the Palts, the Lorens were not bipedal, or even individual. They would mimic or possess animals, and existed much like mischievous, though not malicious, jinn.
They are more generally known as "whisps", with the proper named Lorens being the highest order, the most developed, or most complex and individualized among them. Others exist as tiny, unconscious wandering puffs of magic, or animal-level, slightly more developed conscious beings. That is their "growth" cycle, though it is governed by experience and realization, rather than just time.
As the two interacted, the Lorens became more like the Palts, taking on higher orders of thought, bipedal forms, and individual identities. The Palts introduced the concept of language and culture, civilization and cities. The Lorens emulated or adopted a lot of this, but they don't maintain it as a defined or necessary part of their lives. They made "cities", but don't really live there. Akin to how children play "House" or build forts or sandcastles.
I've never fully understood the Lorens, to be perfectly honest.
posted
Do Lorens seem similar to many mythologies from across the globe, where fumes, vapors, and flames manifest spiritual and natural forces? Close to, what, St. Elmo's fire, pythian Delphi fumes, desert mirages, biblical flames, and swamp gas Will-o'-the-wisps, each someway related to a mortal want that tempts and taunts satisfaction efforts yet is unobtainable and, therefore, baffles and is malign for all of it?
Palts seem more or less natural world bipedal, bi-dexterous, sentient beings, albeit transplants, maybe sapient, too -- which is a kernel subtext facet for prose. Sapience is to a species, not individuals, and is an aggregate of individuals' moral aptitude potentials. Scylia, for example, is a stock archetype -- a heart of gold and strong moral fiber villainess, though not the true villain antagonist of the piece.
Gwen, then, is an emergent moral conscious of the several? What's her fatal vice and folly nature weighted in contest against her beauty, truth, and goodness virtue and prudence? And maybe Lorens are incapable of moral aptitudes due to they rarely, if ever, suffer hurt or shame or guilt?
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Do Lorens seem similar to many mythologies from across the globe, where fumes, vapors, and flames manifest spiritual and natural forces? Close to, what, St. Elmo's fire, pythian Delphi fumes, desert mirages, biblical flames, and swamp gas Will-o'-the-wisps, each someway related to a mortal want that tempts and taunts satisfaction efforts yet is unobtainable and, therefore, baffles and is malign for all of it?
Not exactly, but you touch on something there that I was toying with, possibly, for the major antagonist. The Lorens are born of a special mineral found only on this planet, called Lorenium. It is the source of all magic, and gives "birth" to whisps. Lorens "eat" the energy it contains, and rest inside the crystalline structure. It allows them to communicate with other Lorens across the globe who connect to a crystal.
The big bad is mischevious, malicious and likely very temptuous. I want to discover more before I settle him for good. It seems a little... campy to me right now.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Palts seem more or less natural world bipedal, bi-dexterous, sentient beings, albeit transplants, maybe sapient, too -- which is a kernel subtext facet for prose. Sapience is to a species, not individuals, and is an aggregate of individuals' moral aptitude potentials. Scylia, for example, is a stock archetype -- a heart of gold and strong moral fiber villainess, though not the true villain antagonist of the piece.
Yep. Basically your run of the mill Star Trek style alien race. That "stock archetype" concerns me. She is protective of Fawn, but that doesn't apply to others like Fawn. I think she had a strong mother hen drive, and when Fawn filled that hole, she was satisfied. She kind of despises weakness, and weak wills.
quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: Gwen, then, is an emergent moral conscious of the several? What's her fatal vice and folly nature weighted in contest against her beauty, truth, and goodness virtue and prudence? And maybe Lorens are incapable of moral aptitudes due to they rarely, if ever, suffer hurt or shame or guilt?
Gwen is sort of a trinity. She has the soul-mind of Gwen the Earth girl, the body of Fawn the Palt, and those are bound together by a Loren, who has not been introduced yet. There was a sacrifice, and that Loren died to create Gwenfawn. The Fawn soul-mind is gone. Dead. She died like Gwen did, but hers was a suicide. I doubt that she will return. Scylia is going to be highly upset when she learns this.
I had to think about Gwen's faults, and I think I have it. She is a know-it-all in a world she knows nothing about, a realist who has to face the fact that magic is real, and a skeptic coming to terms with the existence of intelligent alien life. Conflict! Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
The stock archetype there is a subset of an, anymore, outworn stereotype: the hooker with a heart of gold. A basis is a rogue female with a conscience, an opposite of a femme fatale. Near infinite possibles derive from that conscientious rogue female basis. The trite type is a rogue female sex object and is all but cliché convention. Any other subset of the archetype is fresh enough for most intents and purposes.
Archetypes may be "used furniture" though are close enough to real-world personas' personalities and such to have "new furniture" overhead appeal and are all the more fresh for vice and virtue and prudence and folly variables to be unique. And someway each hero, or heroine, covertly matures at a proportionate personal sacrifice cost. For Gwen-Fawn? Pride goeth before a fall? (Saying paraphrased from Proverbs 16:18)
K.M. Weiland's Creating Character Arcs is a fairly popular source for a number of video essays I've been watching lately, and they seem to say that flat arcs are good for exploration of a milieu. I have always felt like Gwen is the one to reveal things that affect the world of Lore. She's an outsider who has no real stakes in the world, and can bring fresh perspectives from her world, and her fascination with old books and movies and music.
She's a kid from a good home who had a decent handle on things, until that all changed. I almost feel like she wouldn't have much problem coming to terms with her new life, and would be outspoken about how things should be.
I swear I'm not trying to make Hermione. -_-'
The flat arc needs a great truth, and doubt, and a world of lies to affect. She ends the story just as she was in the start, but the world is changed as a result of her truth, once she overcomes her doubt. Seems fitting for the character and the story.
Scylia and Lyra can have the positive arc, maybe. I could try all three types, one for each of the major protagonists, but creating a positive-negative character arc seems... hard. The negative arc, leaving the character in a less developed place, but positive so the change is positive. Tricky, maybe impossible. I'd have to really ponder that one. It's probably too contrived.
So, Gwen can mature, but I don't know if she would change greatly by gaining a new understanding on magic, aliens and a fresh world. She can doubt, in the face of these, whether or not her book knowledge has any value in the new world, but once she sees that it does... well, I don't see a great deal of change for her after that.
That would also make it much easier to grow this into a running series, since flat arcs never really have an end, unlike positive and negative. Not that a sequel or running series is my aim.
Besides, teens never feel like they need to change. It's the world that's wrong. A flat arc feels very YA.
posted
Flat arcs invariably sag. Resistance to transformation arcs the upward tension direction; attendant antagonism widens and narrows along the z axis, while tension rises and falls along the y axis, and attendant causation pulses along the x axis. Impetus to change resisted altogether, more and more toward a climax apex. After which change forces decline due to an inevitable tragic crisis, that change forces are too strong to resist, yet an action fall act and final crisis turn show a way to win through, change refused.
However, at a proportionate personal cost, and maturation gain accomplished nonetheless. Maybe comparable to the age phase transition from young adult to early adult?
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posted
Uhg... I may have to rethink how I write from Lyra's point of view. Even I am finding it a chore to slog through. I may not be skilled enough to pull off her voice in the way I had fist envisioned. Just look at this:
Lyra slipped off the body of Lt. Lance. She inhabited the monster for the better part of three moons now. His limp form collapsed to the cold ground with a satisfying thump. She occupied the space his body had vacated. Her ethereal azure body cast a glow on the damp prison cell. She didn't care that possession violated the treaty. This monster was not worth that consideration. He would have a bruise later from where his head struck the hard stone floor. She was glad of this. His pain was justice.
It feels like when I first started. An essay, I think you called it. That is just painful to read after a page or two. I think I need to find another voice for her, or learn some way of making simple short sentences not feel so tedious and boring. There's a ton of "She did this, She did that". Pooptastic prose. Fecal fiction. Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
The point of view there is an outsider observer of Lyra. Plus, the fragment is a tension relief segment of, presumably, a prior action, an effect of a prior cause, a conclusion of a prior sequence. The fragment's function is for writer to tell reader information, no forward dramatic movement.
If Lyra has a want-goal, antagonal, causal, and tensional, she's in movement rather than only on a break from Lt. Lance. That would still develop who Lyra is yet incidental to her next want or problem. Maybe Lance rebels however little he can and Lyra needs to satisfy whatever he's done that she didn't notice?
Those sentences are on the fake forced side, too, and opposite of simple diction and syntax.
"inhabited" "the better part of" "His limp form collapsed to the cold ground with a satisfying thump."
And so on, each and all the sentences overwrought.
posted
I'm not completely convinced the flat arc is a bad choice for Gwen. Many great characters have a flat arc, and the stories are not without change and growth. That change just happens to take place around them, rather than within them. Their reluctance is not a folly, but an affirmation.
They know what the truth is, and face conflicts from the external in the form of falsehoods they encounter. They are a force for change, inverting the positive arc, where external forces change individuals.
Scylia and Lyra would have positive arcs. The trio can as well, but I think for Gwen, she can pull off a flat arc. The difficulty I foresee would be in making her imperfect enough not to be a Mary Sue, perfect protagonist.
Sherlock Holmes is a flat arc. Gandalf in the Hobbit (he does get a positive arc in the LotR). Forest Gump. Goku. These characters end their stories the as same character they began. They also change their world by remaining steadfast in their belief of a truth. I don't think you could claim that these stories sag. Goku may not be familiar enough to say ether way. I just happen to be a big fan of Akira Toriyama's work.
All of them are suited to exploring a world, and most of their stories are just that. Holmes explores mysteries, Gandalf explores Middle Earth. Gump explores history, Goku explores the world of Dragonball. Gwen would be exploring Lore.
Her truth would have to be powerful and compelling, and in direct conflict with the characters around her, especially the major antagonist. If I can't discover what that is, then I probably can't do a flat arc. Heck, I may be too unskilled to pull it off even if I do, but I think I still want to try it out.
I'll see if I can come up with a good outline before devoting too much effort to this. Your reluctance to endorse the idea is giving me pause. If it seems to sag or comes off as too convenient or contrived, I'll toss the idea. If she starts looking like a Mary Sue, that would kill the concept for me as well.
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quote:Originally posted by extrinsic: The point of view there is an outsider observer of Lyra. Plus, the fragment is a tension relief segment of, presumably, a prior action, an effect of a prior cause, a conclusion of a prior sequence. The fragment's function is for writer to tell reader information, no forward dramatic movement.
If Lyra has a want-goal, antagonal, causal, and tensional, she's in movement rather than only on a break from Lt. Lance. That would still develop who Lyra is yet incidental to her next want or problem. Maybe Lance rebels however little he can and Lyra needs to satisfy whatever he's done that she didn't notice?
Those sentence are on the fake forced side, too, and opposite of simple diction and syntax.
"inhabited" "the better part of" "His limp form collapsed to the cold ground with a satisfying thump."
And so on, each and all the sentences overwrought.
Fake and forced. Total agreement. I was struggling to convey the scene. I'm not sure how to introduce the concept of Lyra possessing Lance without some exposition. I thought perhaps showing her depossessing him behind a locked cell door would help. They've been like this for quite a while.
The action starts when her intention to rest is interrupted by a call on Lance's radio. The reason for her covertness has presented itself, and she must act.
I could remove the depossesion, and just show her repossessing him to go complete that task. That might help? She's about to go interrogate Gwen and Scylia. She's been searching for the Earth girl.
If I jump right into the interrogation, it would be very hard to establish the Lyra/Lance relationship, I think. Maybe this calls for a different introduction. A prior scene, as you suggest. I'll have to think it over.
Thank you for the feedback. I hope I'm not keeping you from your lunch. Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
Okay, trying for a more Lyra-centric viewpoint. It seems a little better. This viewpoint thing is a major stumbling block for me. I may have to work through some writing lessons or something. I'm almost through our host's Characters and Viewpoints. I really hoped it would be a revelation. I guess epiphany is wishful thinking.
The monster fell away, released from her possession. The past three moons were taxing. His collapse was satisfying. Let him wake. The relief was too blissful for even his vile screams to upset the mood. She stretched her ethereal azure form, savoring the freedom. Her light cast a glow on the damp prison cell, but it was not a problem. Down here, her light would not be noticed. So what if possession violated the treaty? This monster was not worth treating. She considered the lump forming where his head struck the floor. His pain was a small justice. Yes, let him wake to that.
I can probably go back a scene, or jump forward. Forward is clearer to me. I'm not sure what she was doing prior to coming down to this abandoned section of the prison to rest. My brain is feeling like mush right now. I start the new job in a couple weeks, and life is... interesting.
I will have to rewrite the other 1800+ words in this chapter that I've scratched together at some point. I also need to rewrite these chapters to introduce those character flaws and follies eXtrinsic mentioned. Maybe a rewrite of the opening to fall in line with a flat arc. Maybe. On the fence at this point. :|
posted
Truth realization is itself cause for a movement arc. For Gwen, at first, the truth could be taken for granted, understood without much thought or talk, yet truth wants her to self-realize so she can share the truth with Scylia and Lyra.
An adage from Wayne Booth, A Rhetoric of Irony: Deny one rhetoric, another takes its place -- consciously or otherwise. Though Gwen exeunts Lore more or less untransformed, several of several proactive processes may substitute for her dramatic movement instead.
Narrative point of view and viewpoint topics are numerous; few do more than show by example, if that. A further cognitive leap derives from, of all things, grammar study, especially diction and syntax, plus other language sciences and arts: linguistics, semiotics, and semantics. A third-person self located in sentence object position is one of the many strategies; works for first person, too. Some craft movement those directions for the latest fragment.
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posted
I think my biggest issue with writing from Lyra's perspective is my general lack of information regarding Lorens in general. So, I just had a long hard discussion with myself about them. Yes, I talk to myself. Want to see?
quote:Ho boy. Lyra. Man. What a nut! How do you crack something that is intagible unless it wants to be? You convince it that it wants to be cracked. You get it to need it. You get it to do it to itself. Well, that's a lot of help. Thanks! No problem. This guy doesn't understand sarcasm! har har. Just write, dude. Fine.
It goes on like this for some time. Me asking the questions, and me giving the answers. It was actually SUPER EFFECTIVE. I know so much about them now, and Lyra. And Hooooo boy! Do I have a story for you!
I worked out just about all the issues i was having with her character, their society, and the plot. I won't spoil it. It's good stuff. Let's just say... Lyra's got quite the past.
Now I just gotta write it.
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posted
Sorry I haven't posted anything to show Lyra's opening. I keep going back to the first chapter's opening. I think it's fairly well polished now. The accident is just about perfect, or, I don't see much that I could change to make it better. I'd need an outside opinion on that, but I'm fairly confident about it now. I even snuck in our host's argument on fear, having her experience first dread, then horror, and lastly, terror. hehe
The character's voice is there now. And it does some neat things with pacing. If it works as intended, the reader should feel just about as breathless when Gwen dies as she does. It's three paragraphs. The impending doom, the horrible impact, and the sinking end. The river and the car are almost characters, and I attempted to convey the rush and slowing and rush again, of time. I'm super proud of it.
But, that's not why I'm posting. I'm ditching the cinema scenes, the cinema characters, and the idea for a flat arc. I will likely be doing a monomyth. I'm also changing Scylia's character. I've been toying with other ways to introduce Gwen's life, and while listening to a lecture last night by Brandon Sanderson, it hit me. It was so obviously perfect, I don't know why I didn't do this from the start.
Gwen. I found her character. Up until now, I've been writing her like some generic teen girl. Hum drum. Boring. Gantry and Scylia were outshining her in every scene they shared. This always bothered me. She had vague characteristics and not so well-thought-out interests. The cinema was just a dead end, good for a backdrop, a stage, but little else. I tried to insert some conversation about magic not being real, and her disbelief in alien life, but it was so forced and clumsy.
I tried a library scene. Gantry was still there, but just like the cinema, it was boring and clunky and didn't really do anything for me. Then...
I decided to make her:
bored with her milieu - angry skeptical realist a loner character - bookish fumbling know it all
and the piece de resistance!
unjustly wronged - abused foster kid
Bingo. Write what you know, they say. They are wise. I made one more change, as well:
14 years old - frumpy - homely
I dropped her in age by 3 years. I don't think teens want to hear a story where a character reverts in age (Fawn was about 14, Gwen was about 17), but they would read about one who suddenly becomes older. Now Gwen gains 3 years, instead of losing them.
This character is perfect for this story. The only negative is that she completely stole Scylia's voice. I believe that's a very good thing. I have plenty of street voices to pull from, and the "hooker with a heart of gold" never sat well with me. And not just because my first idea for Scylia decades ago was exactly that.
I sketched out a simple scene, almost entirely dialogue, to see how she might work. It's magic.
"I know it's not an easy thing to talk about, but it really does help," he said. What's the point? I already know what happened. I shouldn't have to repeat myself.
"Just, give it a try." Why? She shouldn't have to embarress herself again.
"Fine." She kicked the floor with her cheap sneaker. They buy us the worst stuff. "I was abused. A lot."
"And, how do you feel about that?" His fake soft concerned voice was annoying.
"Guess." Make him answer. He's the one who wants to hear it.
"I would imagine you're not very happy about it." No ****.
I've had conversations like that in real life. I also hated counseling. I used to fidget and evade questions. It was a game of keep away. I could write this from rote. I practically did.
Oh, I guess I can share a bit of the new car crash opening. I did talk it up. I hope this isn't violating the rules by posting two 13 lines. In my defense, the above is just testing the character's voice. It may or may not develop into an actual scene.
The patchworked speeding Impala, battered and obviously abused, with its weirdly twisted, adapted chrome bumper, cracked windshield, and delinquent driver, surged and leapt up the wet rise of the old county bridge. Surprisingly, twin headlights were still able to cast beams into the night sky as the old junker bounded, came down out of control and fled, suddenly, into the opposing lane. It just barely missed a concrete support on the other side, and was swung back at the last second, much too hard. It barreled towards the guardrail where she stood, trembling and sodden from that long dark walk in the autumn rain. Was this how the night was meant to end? No. Headlights and dread washed over her as the engine roared with vicious intent. Stop.
I really think this needs to be read in its fullness to see how well it's working. I wish we could post more than 13 lines. I'd like to share it. I think you'd like how far it's come. :/
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posted
Thirteen lines serves more matters than the obvious limitations. One, protects content from publication rights exhaustion. Plus, keeps content safe from idea piracy. The several other principles relate to reader engagement: Would a given reader read further.
The two excerpts above, though more in-scene, closer to insider looks outward third-person, close, limited narrative point of view skills, overworks the modifier words, which create the opposite effect of modifiers' prose function, adjective and adverb: emotional expression.
"fake[,] soft[,] concerned voice" three adjectives? Each also indeterminate as to which modifies which or all modify "voice." Comma separation shows each modifies "voice." A best practice is none, no adjectives, or, if no alternative, limited to one adjective. A modifier phrase is next most practical. A best-most practice is a sequenced repetition, substitution, amplification scheme that spans several sentences and develops the counselor's voice characterization through a span.
Consider a triplet, an earlier placement, and a later one. Or, or also, a more apt verbal metaphor than "concerned." J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, develops the one word "phony" for a gamut of similar situations throughout the novel. Everyone and everything is phony, as far as Caulfield is concerned.
Few readers realize the cause of Caulfield's morose attitude and his existential crisis trigger, and not much given, either, under-realized by the writer, even. The untimely death of his older and closer in age brother Allie. Caulfield, more or less, gives the death some emotional emphasis, though indifferently dismisses any personal significance. The garage scene in which Allie comes up is either a throwaway or of unrealized substance.
This is even more modifier overwrought:
"The patchworked speeding Impala, battered and obviously abused, with its weirdly twisted, adapted chrome bumper, cracked windshield, and delinquent driver"
Would Gwen notice all of that in the eyeblink of time at first sight?
"Headlights and dread washed over her _as_ the engine roared with vicious intent."
"as" to mean while or when invariably causes a causation error and run-on sentence, two independent clauses forced into one sentence and chronology jumbled. Substitute simplest conjunction and and see if the diction and syntax are apropos. Takes comma separation, too.
//Headlights and dread washed over her, and the engine roared with vicious intent.//
//The engine roared with vicious intent, and headlights and dread washed over her//
Or, and etc.:
//The engine roared vicious intent. Headlights and dread _pierced_ her.//
"washed over" is a trite idiom. She's transfixed, right? Synonyms, more than a few are trite, too, or inapt for the situation: "stun · stupefy · astound · grip · root someone to the spot · stop someone dead · stop someone in their tracks · paralyze · petrify · immobilize · freeze · rivet · gorgonize · impale · stab · spear · pierce · spike · skewer · stick · gore · pin · bayonet · harpoon · lance · run through · puncture · perforate · transpierce"
What would Gwen think "in the heat of the moment"?
Aside from excess and trivial modifiers, also omit as many trivial conjunctions and prepositions as possible, in order to tame trivial wordiness overall. Save the word count real estate for substantive expression, and readers' engagement, patience, attention spans, etc.
An aside, foul language words, as noted, are prohibited at Hatrack, and more than a few science fiction and fantasy markets. An automated Bulletin Board process replaces foul word letters with asterisks. The publication format for such censorship is first letter as spelled, followed by three hyphens, regardless of the letter count. Single word sentence fragment exclamations or brief negation thoughts also take italics and an exclamation mark, also italics: No s---! Quote marks only, no italics, if spoken. Plus, brief exclamation thoughts that invoke a deity or world force take italics, deesis figure, Conan the Barbarian thinks: By Crom! Or similar spoken: "What the flubber!?"
The only irony mark common use is the exclamation mark-question mark interobang, as above, though uncommon for prose, common for scripts.
I would not read further as an engaged reader, due, in the main, to an excess of trivial wordiness. That, and overly erudite expression are facets I must work especial focus to avoid for my prose, albeit, for some reason, appreciated for information and formal essays, except adjective and adverbs are widely deprecated, irrespective of composition type.
posted
I now understand what they mean when they say, "agonizing over your words". Editing this down was painful. There were things I just really wanted to keep, and couldn't find another way to say. I seem to have a habit of overworking those modifiers.
I'm stealing a little Mickey D's wifi, so no time for a fuller reply. Here's that car crash opening, tamed.
The junked out sedan flew up the wet rise of the old county bridge, and came down in the opposite lane. It was about to collide with a concrete support, but was swung back at the last second, so tight that she thought it might roll right there in front of her. It rocked hard and barreled towards the guardrail where she stood, drenched and shivering from that long cold walk in the autumn rain. The headlights locked onto her, the engine roared with vicious intent, and she trembled with dread. No. She was the star in some mad play, helpless to act. Turn. A crack in the windshield appeared to tear the slivered moon in two. Stop! Tires squeeled and brakes locked. Wait! The car smashed her dead-on.
Here's the therapy opening, which I tried to fill out a bit more.
Gwen hated therapy. It was pointless, and she always felt like a weirdo afterwards, never better. Therapy was supposed to make you feel better, right? The tiny office wasn't much for distraction. Sean's desk occupied the majority of it, clutttered with paperwork and and those cheesy gadgets people buy to make others think they're sophisticated or smart. You know, the silver balls that swing and slam into each other, kicking the end ones out, clacking and demonstrating the law of conservation of momentum. Or the pin box that would make impressions of things, usually faces. She liked to leave her middle finger impresed in the pins whenever she got the chance or inclination to toy with it.
posted
There is another writer's saying: learn to kill your darlings. This means when editing something which isn't working, the first things to look at cutting are your favourite scenes.
As to your re-worked car crash scene, I find it overwrought and overplayed. Consider this, a car traveling at 60mph will travel 200 feet in 2.26 seconds. How much observation or thinking will your character do in that amount of time?
Phil.
[ May 11, 2019, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: Grumpy old guy ]
Posts: 1937 | Registered: Sep 2012
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posted
I've killed, what?, six scenes already (four you've seen, and two I never posted), and the recent change in the main protagonist will require me to nix pretty much everything I've written so far. I think filicide isn't a problem. The only thing that has never changed is this accident. Even a decade ago, when I began the story, it was there. I need some portal event. Gwen's tornado to Oz.
The opening I have right now eliminates the whining therapy session. It wasn't moving the story, and even I had a hard time telling if the narrator had the attitude problem or the protagonist. Now I'm starting with Gwen running away from a group home. I think the book could open there. I'd rather have the crash end the chapter, to be honest. I only put it front and center because it was the most powerful starting point I had.
I can't feel for someone's gruesome death if I don't know them first. I can be grossed out or horrified by it, but beyond morbidity, there's no real emotional stakes. No matter what I change, it feels melodramatic to me. It was not that way when it ended the chapter.
I will likely place it at the end again. Her runaway is a good "everything changed" starting point, and it's focused on her escaping the home, setting goals and moving forward. Not just some piece of scenery to smash and destroy.
As to how much she could observe? I'd assume about a handful of details. Auditory and aromatics would couple a few visual details. As the crash progresses, and she is injured, she would be more aware, perhaps slightly delusional. She snaps back to a speedier time frame with almost no details when she hits the water. It works well in my head. My mistake is is knowing that the car is familiar to her long before the accident, and assuming I could use that without informing the reader. He was eventually informed, but not until the near end of the cinema opening. The car belonged to the teen Romeo from that scene.
I think the runaway draft I'm working on might well be strong enough to stand on its own without a fishhook opening like the crash superimposed to snag reader attention.
Gwen had waited until the graveyard shift workers checked the dorm before she slipped out the window of the group home, and into the night. Her heart had been racing like crazy when the large screen didn't want to fit back in the metal window frame. After some fumbling and cursing, she was able to pop it in. She had been placed in the home two years ago by her social worker, for a couple of weeks respite. Her worker didn't mention that group home had a mandatory six-month 'Psychological Evaluation Period'. She found that out in her third week. Her counselor there claimed that she had anger problems. She had felt betrayed, like it was a dirty trick. This wasn't her first time running away, but her belly had still fluttered that entire day in anticipation of her escape. The window situation now settled, she turned and faced the dark.
This one could be reworked to show more of the action of her escaping. I can save the infodump for a later paragraph, I just wanted to get something on paper to test the scene. Seems like a fairly decent approach.
This, of course, requires everything following it to be rewritten. She now doesn't want to go home. No home to go to. She's a runaway. So this Gwen would never leap off a bridge in the new magical world to try and escape. She would probably be happy as a clam exploring everything there. So, Scylia's rescue is out. That tosses pretty much a third of the plot right out the window too. Lyra and Lance's relationship may need to be reworked. I basically need to re-evaluate the entire story in light of Gwen being a runaway foster kid, but I think she would be best that way. If I have to be honest, it's the foster kids I'm really writing this for. Or, for the foster kid I was when I was still in Gwen's shoes.
posted
That is to say, I'm open to suggestions as to how to get Gwen down that rabbit hole. I think it should still end in her death. Maybe she's assaulted by someone and left for dead, or something? Runaways can be tempting targets for predators. But, on the other hand, I still think it should somehow be a choice she makes. To stem from her virtue so it's not so much of a fated event, or happenstance. I also don't want to give the reader the impression that running away solves your problems. Gah. Indecision.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
Portal mechanisms for Gwen's transference matter only in so far as those compel her journey to Lore as Fawn and -- and -- express an overall theme, of what? Maturation tableau? And allow for Gwen's return home or new sanctuary?
Consider from our host Orson Scott Card's Characters and Viewpoint that an ideal situation is one where circumstances propel a persona into action both by self-want somewhat and more so by others' problematic wishes and wills, perhaps both are imprudent follies, too.
Review Edgar Rice Burrough's A Princess of Mars, 1917, for a model of transference transition step excellence, not so much preferred third-person, close, limited narrative point of view. Or Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, 1865. Or the L. Frank Baum novel, 1908, Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz. (All the above novels Project Gutenberg hosted). Carroll's novel is somewhat the closer of the above to third-person, close, limited methods.
Prepare for a life-quake shock. The novels above bear few resemblances to their respective flicks, or around the other way, actually. And all the above novels are public domain. Project Gutenberg hosts all of Baum's novels, the complete set of Oz narratives, and Carroll's and Burroughs'. Gutenberg can generally be relied upon for any worthwhile works published prior to 1925 and later works if copyright lapsed afterward.
Unfortunately, contemporary novels that demonstrate third-person, close, limited arts and skills, much preferred of late, and the metaphoric substitution of it for first person, are under stringent copyright protection. Science fiction and fantasy as much as other genres.
posted
Not abandoned. I started my old job again, about 60 hours a week. It's taxing. This weekend is slamming busy, and in the four months I was absent, the kitchen went right down the drain. I've scoured so many surfaces. Uhg.
I'm reworking the... everything. The story needs major world building, as well. I realize I need to outline or, get lost down dead ends. Changing Gwen's character alters too much for me to just pants my way through, and I have yet to settle on her voice. Angry angsty teen is too much, or the wrong voice, or something. My brain is mush. Sorry. Not a lot of executive function to spare.
I've considered opening with Scylia or Lyra, to put the reader right into the world, but not sure. Right now, I have a Gwen that's more eccentric than angsty, and she starts off running away from the home to attend a birthday party under that fated bridge... with Gantry, who lives there. Might have both on the bridge when that car comes, and make Gwen push him out of the way, only to get hit herself. Unsure.
I'll probably keep Scylia's original voice. I really liked that. Lyra and Lance are in flux. I'd like to keep their dynamic, but Lyra's voice is elusive. Plus, the Lorens may or may not be vampiric. They consume life, but not sure if they consume Palts. Their species has developed into a myriad of types, like races, and the mineral Lorenium is going through similar development.
Thanks for the help. I'll get back to this when I've got something concrete to critique. Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2019
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posted
Everyday life gets in creativity's way. Expression marches must be stolen against work and all or, decades later, still on the publication prospect.
I worked hospitality and restaurant trades for a long time -- while I prospected creatively. Sixty-hour-plus workweeks and after-work decompression rites got in the way. Not much of the present-day social support back when, that online workshops occasion. If it were given to me to advise the young artist self, I'd point to texts that deconstruct and describe method, and advise skip the blase and repetitive general outline, prescriptive how-tos.
Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008
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, of the first sentence; does it have the greatest attention grabbing impact on readers? Can it be better? Not more graphic, violent or icky, just better.![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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That's probably one of my biggest grammatical failings. I'll attempt to remedy this.![[Wink]](wink.gif)
hehe 
