Please resist posting anything except crits and votes in this thread. You don't want to violate this request. Remember I got the Eye.

All are free to vote. We encourage all that submitted an entry to do so (in fact we get irritated when you don't). Voting starts after 11:59 PM on Thursday. You can submitt your entries up to then to me. (Of course if you wait to the last minute I might be asleep and it will get missed).
Doctor is set to be the next Moderator and in case he missed it, President Skadder has taken control and would like you to send your synopsis to him.

Sebastian curled himself into the fetal position on the lee side of a gigantic boulder while I completed the destruction of our hovercraft’s control panel. A compass and a chronometer were the only useful gadgets I could find that still worked. It was rather coincidental that the invisibility shield wasn’t functioning at all, but the security cameras were fully operative. When I saw the snipped wires, the truth hit me like a punch in the gut: The Berian wanted the Dytdactlyns to find us, and he wanted to watch it happen.

Sebastian Conte loved to gamble; the higher the stakes, the better. Who knew the expedition to Vos would be the most exciting gamble of his life?
It started at his private poker table, in the Shangrai La hotel orbiting Sentari Five. Sebastian tucked away his cards and eyed his chief weapons designer, Frank Bishop. A flush should win, but with his luck tonight Bishop would lay down four aces. No guts, no glory. Sebastian slid two stacks of water credits across the green velvet.

“Sir.” Sebastian’s bodyguard whispered in his ear. “A Berian wants to see you. Says he has the opportunity of a lifetime.”

Sebastian leaned back in his chair. The shuttle door lifted and the world of Vos opened before him. The red sky of the third sun, bled into snow-capped mountains covered by lush forests laced with rivers and lakes.

“Jurassic Fricken Park, baby!”

Despite the ill feelings of earlier, Sebastian couldn’t help but crack a smile at his over enthusiastic weapons designer.

A dull horn sounded in the distance. Dark shapes filled the air.

Bishop turned Sebastian’s way, his white teeth shining bright against his tanned skin, blonde highlights sparkling in dark hair. He caressed his latest invention, a nuclear infused throwback to the Gatlin gun. “I feel like Torak, baby!”

Title: A Guided Lure

Sebastian chucked a resin-plant on the embers. Sparks crackled up in the chilly morning air. He glanced across the dusty plain. He loved a sunrise and this was special; Vos’s sun bathed the massive continental worm, Vir’nush, in amber light.

A tree crashed into the clearing, shattering Sebastian’s meditations. He spun round—his hearting hammering--and held his breath; there was something wrong. Silence--where were the perimeter defence drones?

Sebastian bounded across the guide’s hex-shelter, “Krovolak, where are the dron--?” He stopped; the shelter was empty, but for a small object on the floor.

Sebastian shielded his eyes against the sun and stepped off the ground transport. Even before he scanned the horizon he knew something was wrong. Of course if was--he should have known better than to listen to Bishop. Nothing but red rock and dust stretched before them. No town, no escort, no Belerian contact.

As if on cue, Bishop jostled him from behind with one of the suitcases. "All right, we're hustling, we're hustling!" he called back to the ship just as the door snapped shut. "Damn Similians, always in a hurry."

"Hey!" Sebastian waved to the ground transport even as it rose up into the air, covering him with dust.

hat's odd," Bishop said, taking in the landscape while Sebastian coughed. "Well, Ty must be delayed. Or maybe he's

Sebastian experienced a moment of disorientation as the shuttle equalized cabin pressure to match the heavy atmosphere of Vos. A brief moment after the air pumps stuttered to a halt, the rear hatch made a loud clanking noise and then opened, letting a foggy and damp breeze blow into the cabin. Bishop leaned forward in his seat across from Sebastian and inhaled a long deep breath. He gripped his plasma stunner as he peered through the mist, his fingers tapping on the worn and pitted steel of the handle. An unknown animal called out in the distance, a high pitched screetch. He glanced at Sebastian, a smirk on his face, before rising to his feet.

The door to the pilot’s cabin swung open, and their guide stepped into the hold. “Welcome gentles, to Vos,” he said with

I lay down my cards and the holo-croupier barks "winner, Mr. Conte". Bishop laughs a bit too loud and punches my shoulder. He's a boor, even sober, but he's the best sub-quantum weaponry engineer this side of the galaxy. Ignoring my drunken friend, I lean back, take a long drag on my cigarette and scope out the Berian I've just crushed. Victory itself, beating an opponent, satisfies me more than all those credits glowing on the table.

The Berian smiles. "I see money no longer nourishes you," he says. It's my turn to smile. "Rather than settle my debt with currency," he continues, "I have a proposition."

I'm interested. "I'm listening."

The Berian lowers his voice. "How would you like to play a more dangerous game?"

Title: A Berian Moon.

Bishop's dark, chin-length hair clung wet to her face as she stood contorted inside the Chanda tree's sprawling root systems. She heard the dying Dtydactlyn screech in agony as it stumbled to the ground. The Vetin dart she crammed into its neck was already working, its pores expanding to allow the animal to free bleed right through its thick, heavy skin.
"So the Vetins really do work?" Sebastian panted, catching his breath.
"They kill wonderfully," she swatted in front of her face, "but it does nothing for the swarms of guul flies that follow them."
"That was all of them?" he hoped as he asked. "I only saw two."
"Dtydactlyn's only hunt in pairs," she said while staring distantly at the Berian moon on the horizon. "Now it's our turn

PLEASE VOTE ON THIS THREAD. Snapper, Benttree and me will vote last as we have all had some mod duties--sometime on Monday. Snapper can you send your copy of who wrote what to Bentree so he has a list of all the entries.

Voting closes midnight Monday (GMT).

Let the judging commence...

1. I would have liked to see more of the synopsis in this story. I couldn’t tell if this is before they met the Berian, or if this was way afterwards (i.e. they survived). It also doesn’t give any insight as to the story. Now that said- I think it does a descent job of setting the stage for the adventure as laid out in the synopsis- but I need more teeth… something that grabs a hold of me.

2. Liked the idea, liked the writing. Wanted some dialogue, and couldn’t figure out why Sebastian was in the fetal position. I am assuming because Bishop was going to blow up their hovercraft, but I’m making an assumption there.

3. I actually really liked this PoV, and enjoyed the writing. Illiterate gives two thumbs up?

4. Loved it. I got a little confused as to the count of shots, but it could be me reading it was confusing, not necessarily the writing. Will be interested to see what everyone else thinks. I personally enjoy any writing that is actionable, yet has strong dialogue that builds the characters. Comedic value puts this one up front for me.

5. I enjoyed this one as well. I really liked the beginning. It sort of lost me when Sebastian grabbed Bishop …etc. I was hoping for more of the “put me in the story” effect that I got from the first few lines. Still good though.

6. Aha! So that’s how to skirt the 13 line rule! I think I could have done without the first line, instead starting the story “At his private poker table…. “. Then again- I’m not the author. Other than the first line- I give this one thumb up for the story, and one thumb down for the bending of the matrix by squeezing extra words in.

I’ll also give myself two thumbs down for using the Siskel and Eberts “thumbs” grading system. Sorry bout that.

7. Good, I really liked the action. The only thing that rubbed me wrong was that this story obviously takes place in the future. I have never seen a “club” in all my years, and although I know they existed before wheels and fire… I wasn’t expecting Bishop to find one and fight with it a million years later. Don’t know, maybe I thought the Dtydactlyn’s would be more fierce. This story had me visualizing a small field rodent… perhaps a groundhog, weasel, or any other vermin that could be held off by a club-wielding ninja.

8. Just my opinion, but I had to read the first sentence 6 times. I also had to read several of the others a few times. That could be my poor reading comprehension skills. It could also be the way the story was put together- I’ll see what others thought. Don’t get me wrong, I like story lines that have new language, new artifacts, and imagery- it was just a little too much for 13 lines. I really liked the last two lines- they actually hooked me. It just took me a few reads to get there.

9. Weird for me, but I think its quite good. However, me being the shallow, insensitive man- thought it almost a sci-fi romance novel-ish- although don’t ask me why, it just felt that way. I was hoping for more of a hook. I was glad to see that Jurassic Park references. I guess in the future, even they love Spielberg.

10. Liked it, loved it, don’t have too much to say about it. I especially liked the first sentence. Definitely a front runner for me.

11. Ok. No hook, not much action, seemed to be skirting the 13 line rules by missing characters here and there. I really enjoyed the first paragraph though, although I think the race was changed to Belerian from Berian.

12. Very good setting and introduction. I loved it. I don’t think I would change anything- short of adding lines 14, 15, and 16 to give it a really good hook.

13. Good. I sometimes struggle reading with this type of First person. They always seem to me like they are narrating a 50’s detective/ P.I. episode. I think that’s really just me- but I’d like to know if that was actually the intent. I did like it though, and I almost never like that writing style from that PoV. Made me rethink my stereotypical dislike.

14. Good Action, would like to see it get more storyline though.

My votes:

First - #:4- Natural Selection
Second - #3:- The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Third - #10: A Guided Lure

It was a difficult call, but this is what the dart board said(kidding!):

First: #7 WITHOUT A PADDLE
Second: #13 THERE'S NO PAYOUT IN THIS GAME
Third: #10 A GUIDED LURE

Title: #7 WITHOUT A PADDLE

1- Could take place in Vegas present day. Didn't have a sci-f/fantasy feel to me. I'm sure that would come later. Lines kind of lost in dialogue.

2- Writing is good, but I don't know that I like a hook entirely in description.

3- I was confused with this one. I thought the race were space-traveling hunters...I don't get that from this scene. Good visuals, though. (Gross!)

4- Needs some paragraph separation!! Hard to read. Love the last line, though.

5- Lose slimy. 'Grabbing Bishop', etc--needs some rewording.

6- I liked this one, but its hook isn't as strong as some of the others.

7- I love to be surprised. This one had two: the multipurpose knife and the living 'rock'. Could see the whole thing in my head. Great hook!

8- Too descriptive. New wording is great as long as it doesn't struggle to come off my tongue. I think it would be a great hook if the heavy language were lightened.

9- Austin Powers on a hunting trip. Sorry, can't get past that image. Great movie idea, though...

10- Rework the first paragraph and WOW!

11- I liked this one, too. The suitcases on a hunting expediion threw me off a bit. I pictured a Hawaiian shirt, camera toting tourist.

12- Too many adjectives. Tighten it up--remove half of them. (Reminded me of Firefly...Jane and Mal, you know)

13- Struggle a bit with 1st person but I liked this one. Good visuals. Love the last line hook.

14- Why does Sebastian have to catch his breath? Contorted in the tree? Why did she stay there once the pair were dead? I like that Bishop is a woman. Nice surprise.

Edited to add critiques.

Best Title: Entry No: 11 Title: Zero Sum Games
1st pick: Entry No: 11 Title: Zero Sum Games
2nd pick: Entry 13 Title: There's No Payout in This Game
3rd pick: Intr0 5 Title: PREYING FOR TIME

Intro 1 Title: Beating the Odds
I like this; edgy, strong voice, conflict right up front, with characterization. Where’s the speculative element?
Nits: I fire people… they didn’t tell the bartender what kind of drinks… They’ll never prove I did it. Awfully long bit of dialogue at the end; downing the drink should break it up. When read aloud, the dialogue doesn’t sound natural; cut some words from it.

Intro 2 Title: Weapons Expert
Good! I like the shield and cameras, the tension. It does leave me wondering what’s going on; the ship was sabotaged, so they haven’t been attacked yet. So why Sebastian’s behavior and why adrenaline? I don’t like that the first sentence drops Sebastian in with no explanation, and then he is forgotten.

Intro 3 Title: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Interesting perspective. Not sure why, but I was a bit confused at first. I think the second sentence is not firmly enough in the MC’s POV. There’s a long break between Tylbal’s order and the “Yes, sir.” Swap the first and second sentences; that solves both problems. But would he think of his father as Tylbal? I’m not too keen on the eating humans angle, but its catchy.

Intro 4 Title: Natural Selection
I like that they seem so calm about what’s happening; that could be punched up by letting us know how dangerous the Dtydactlyns are. The shots and their targets are too confusing, although I see what it is trying to do. The Dtydactlyns’ response seems too passive; it makes me ask, why is Bishop killing them? Bishop’s last phrase made me smile.

Intr0 5 Title: PREYING FOR TIME
Good action, good hook—there’s a lot to like here.
“slimy moss-covered terrain” could be pared down. “his friend and head weapon's designer” slows the action; why would he think of this now? Sebastian grabbed Bishop, vaulted into a cave, and prayed that nothing worse called it home. Not sure about “time” used twice that way; its too cute as a play on words.

Intro 6 Title: Hunting for Verundi
Relies too much on the opening teaser for a hook; would rather see some disturbance among the characters. Would rather tech up the cards and card table to something futuristic. And who is Sebastian, that he needs a weapons designer? Why would he think about that now?

Intro 7 Title: Without A Paddle
I liked the knife and the rock/head very much; good for tension. The fight scene feels distant; it lacks Sebastian’s emotions and thoughts. Bishop’s statement right after the fight stops the action too abruptly; wouldn’t he gasp for breath, scan the horizon for more of them, something more immediate? Seems odd that he “came up in a squat.”

Intro 8 Title: Great White Hunter Hunting
This will be a great opening if the distractions are cleaned up. The storytelling is solid. “Clung-yung-yung” didn’t work for me as a sound (at first I thought it was a name)--it can be cut. The names of things are too complicated; three names for the same tree? Loved the dialogue about the gun.
I couldn’t picture tracing an arc with a leveled gun. Wouldn’t moving in an arc make it not level?

Moved the beat to flow better: "Where's the big game at, Berian sur Tometh? I want to take home a huge trophy.” Sebastian traced an arc with the [] finger cannon. “Uh, Bishop, where's Tometh?"

Entry # 9 Title: "Red Sky In Morning...All Take Warning."
Bishop’s enthusiasm is appealing. I think that’s what it has going so far. The visuals are close, but… Why lean back; why not forward, to see more? No commas after sun; why are snow-capped mountains covered with rivers and lakes? Those belong in the valley. What ill feelings? What shapes; birds, rockets, bees?

Entry # 10 Title: A Guided Lure
Another one that will be a good opening if the distractions are cleaned up.
He loved sunrises, … What is a continental worm?? Don’t need “shattering Sebastian’s meditations”. Pick one or two of the spun round, hammering heart, held breath. Don’t need “there was something wrong”; instead, could he look at the tree and look for whatever made it fall down? Don’t halt speech mid-word unless it’s between syllables.

Entry No: 11 Title: Zero Sum Games
Solid. Good POV, setting, characterization, tension. I like Sebastian’s awareness countered by Bishop’s slow uptake. Nits: Of course it was. Bishop’s speech directed at the ship does not sound natural. And did they get all the suitcases??

Entry 12 Under the Blood-Red Sky
Oh, it’s got potential. Not sure why I’m hesitating here; everything looks fine. Wait, its POV. Too many words between Sebastian experiencing and Bishop leaning; the POV shifted from Sebastian to Bishop. I’d like to see it go deeper into Sebastian’s head. Can we have a thought or a bit of dialogue?
…foggy and damp breeze blowing: how about fog rolling in? … long deep (pick one)… worn and pitted (pick one)… steel handle… cut ‘unknown’…

Entry 13 Title: There's No Payout in This Game
I would really like this in past tense. The second sentence could stay in present, I think. Good characterization, dialogue, and tone.
Two nits: Credits are often the coin of the future in SF; it seems like payment is right there, not an outstanding debt. And the repetition is distracting: I'm interested. "I'm listening."

Entry #: 14 Title: A Berian Moon.
Ooh, strong female lead! I like her.
Whose POV are we in? Bishop’s? Seems like maybe, since she was the one hearing the scream. And the first sentence is too long. What is free bleeding?

How about: Bishop felt her wet hair cling to her face as she crouched under the Chanda tree's sprawling roots. She heard…ground. She saw that the Vetin dart she had crammed (crammed?)…working. She watched the animal’s pores expand to let the blood pour out of its thick skin. [That’s too many sentences starting with She. Maybe just have the dying thing screech without She heard… ][And the rest is great.]

1. Interesting dynamic between Sebastian and Bishop, but Bishop launches into soliloquy mode a little too quickly, and a little too obviously for me. Sorry - pass.

2. I never expected this to come up - Bishop's POV! I think it's a tendency in situations like this to write from the everyman's POV and watch the action characters take over, so this was a nice change of pace. However, there seemed to be a little too much scene-setting going on - 13 lines of this is how things look right now. Let us experience the setting, rather than explain it to us.

3. Another intriquing POV. Is the hunting of a human a rite of passage for these aliens? Consuming the heart a sign of strength, or is it supposed to bestow some extra skill to the hunter in the future? These questions are interesting ones, and ones that I would like to see answered. Therefore, I'd probably read on. I'm not 100% certain this is the most persuasive/sympathetic POV you could have chosen, since a reader will tend to sympathize with a human character over an alien one (all thing being equal).

4. This could have used an edit before sending it out I think, and I'm not finding anything particularly compelling within. Aren't the Dtydactlyns sentient beings? By the way they are acting, I would say so. Seems a bit amoral to be hunting them in this way, and Sebastian's lack of response to Bishop's actions (actually, his tacit approval by asking the initial question) doesn't make me like them very much. No likey the characters + not intrigued by the story = no more read.

5. In my opinion, this is a little too crafted to fit into the first 13. High action and a cliffhanger on the very first page? I'm not feeling any genuine ability or intent to string this out to 5,000 words, just to create what you're after, which is the perfect 13. That might be the whole point of this challenge, but the feeling of being over-manufactured throws me off a bit. All that said, this is competent, though there si a little too much narration going on for a high-action scene. Full name, first and last? Friend and head weapons designer? Pacing issues here.

6. Two things right off the bat - waaay too much telling, and this opening seems a little too far removed from the action. I'm just not that interested in this story, or what the Berian is offering. Sorry dude (or dudette).

7. Again, another crafted with high-action and a specific cliffhanger right at the last word. Feels like I'm being handled, which is off-putting. I would almost prefer a first thirteen that leaves me dangling at a half-finished sentence than something as pat as this. That said, there are POV issues here (We dodged?) and some of the action is awkwardly worded (came up in a squat?), so I'll have to pass on this too.

8. Wow... another perfect cliffhanger at the end of the page. Am I out-of-touch with my criticism of this? Okay... too much gobbeldygood speak, technobabble, new names for things that made me stop and think about what you were talking about before I could get into the story. Some of the dialogue pacing was strange to me and not consistent or smooth, and the whole story's pacing took an abrupt leap from gentle cruising to Autobahn in a single sentence. Sorry.... pass.

9. Another cliffhanger. Almost not worth commenting on - I guess I am that out-of-touch. The Jurassic Park reference is out of place I would think - a little too far into the future. What kids these days even know about Jurassic Park any more? And, Torak? Did you perhaps mean Turok, as in the video game? Another anachronism. A couple niggling grammar issues and the over description of Bishop booted me out of this story. Still, I wanted to read further - finally someone focusing on the dinosaur-like creatures, rather than the Dtydactlyns.

10. This is better. I'm getting the feeling that this action is a little disjointed: a tree falls into the clearing, but the thing that made it fall doesn't appear? Sebastian has time to run across the clearing to the guides tent? No, not ran, but bounded, like a Gummi Bear? Or is the gravity low enough that he could just leap across the clearing in a single bound? The first paragraph is strong though, very strong, strong enough to make me want to read more in hopes that you could rescue this. Plus, I want to know what a continental worm is. Battling that thing must be epic.

11. This must have been written in a hurry - lots of little typos and spelling issues. Anyways, that aside, this isn't too bad, but not truly compelling. A couple people on holidays and they can't find their guide. It happens. An impatient bus driver/taxi driver? It also happens. The characterization of Sebastian and Bishop aren't drawing me in either. Sorry, there just isn't anything here to hold my interest.

12. I'm getting a feeling of setting better here than in mst of the others, but at the cost of anything happening.... I trust that's upcoming in the next 13 lines? As has been mentioned, there are POV issues here I believe, but nothing too bad. This is fairly well done, and I'd read on for those next 13 lines (or 26 I suppose, for a full page) to see if the action picks up.

13. Another start more distant from the action, but with more promise. Good characterizations, though still too much telling for my tastes. Actually, that's my biggest issue here. Everything is telling, and it doesn't let me into the story, it holds me off at a distance. Show a little more and let people interpret the story through your MC's actions rather than being told how he is feeling. It would be stronger for it.

14. Bishop is a female? Wow. WOW. This only stands out to me after 13 other entries (my own mixed in there) so on an initial read it might not be a big thing, but right now, it is. Other things - how does a person bleed from their pores? Vetin is a poison, or a weapon? Regardless, there is tension here, a feeling of equally matched adversaries, a good feel of setting (though that could be expanded) and interesting characters. I'm excited to see where this goes.

Votes

First: #3 - The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Second: #14 - A Berian Moon
Third: #10 - A Guided Lure

Title: A Guided Lure

Good work everyone, and especially Bent Tree for the solid outline.

This Thirteen Lines Challenge is to write a good hook. It's not difficult to hook me. The hook can derive from any feature of a story's opening be it the title, dramatic action, setting, characters, voice, flair, prosody, imaginative premises, dramatic premise, inciting moment, ad infinitum.

In general, all the openings have solid imaginative premises that didn't degrade suspension of disbelief. Some are gadget oriented due to Bishop's role as a weapons designer. Excepting one, human characters are at the center of the dramatic action. When Sebastian or Bishop pose as the protagonist, in general, they're posed in the motif of a cocksure, maveric executive. The other executive is posed as a foil for the protagonist. In each, the executives are posed in opposition, one competent, the other not so much. Two approach the story through different perspectives than the others, one with a woman protagonist, the other, in the alien Dytdactlyn perspective. All of the above proved to be good hooks purely on those merits alone.

#1: Beating the Odds
Sebastion and Bishop's opposition promises that their differences will revolve around the core of the dramatic action. Wanting to see Bishop taken down a notch was what hooked me most.

#2: Weapons Expert
The Berian's desire to watch the Dtydactlyns find Bishop and Sebastian intrigued me most. It suggested that the Berian has a motive beyond curiousity, perhaps he answers to a higher master. First person suggests Bishop has an internal conflict that might catastrophically influence his decisions.

#3: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Contrasts of intelligent aliens with familiar bedtime activities and prehunt jitters captivated me. The figurative meaning carries most of the dramatic freight, which hooked me most. Contemplating if the terran heart will make Dtylan puke foreshadows hunting terrans and the story to come. "Greasy scorched-flesh smoke" uses the olfactory sense to good purpose by contributing to Dtylan's anxiety-driven queasiness.

#4: Natural Selection
The campy tone reminiscient of Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat and Keith Laumer's Retief struck me most as the hook for this one. Use of counting as a plot device works to good effect. I wanted to see what came after three and how each shot took a Dytdactlyn out of action. Naming the body parts shows the Dtydactlyns have a humanoid-like anatomy, which by a comparision scheme suggests a predisposition to intelligence.

#5: PREYING FOR TIME
The clever substitution scheme in the title caught my eye. "TIME" suggested a temporal-related imaginative premise. What hooked me most is a desire to see how the weapon's effect impacted the players differently.

#6: Hunting for Verundi
The title, although Verundi is a Russian surname, evokes a hot, dry Sub-Saharan savannah. "Water credits" reinforces the image of an arid world, which opposes the image of a Shangrai La setting alluding to eternal life at a price as in James Hilton's Lost Horizon. Sebastian's third person interior monologue promises an internal conflict that might counterpose or parallel an external one. Also, Sebastian's assessment of his luck against Bishop sets up their opposition and suggests Sebastian's immediate destiny will be less than triumphant. Sebastian having a bodyguard suggests that he's under threat. The last sentence hooked me most, I wanted to see how Sebastian would interact with the Berian.

#7: Without A Paddle
Three things hooked me. The title suggests the protagonist will rely entirely on wits. The subtextual connotation of Bishop saying "I don't think this will help much" creates a reversal of my expectations regarding the title. I expected them to have at least a meager close-up defensive weapon. When Bishop shows the multipurpose knife, it reverses my secondary expectation and reinforces the expectation I have from the title. Subtle manipulation of the reader, brilliant. The action started right away, followed by a reflective moment, and ended with a continuing cause for more dramatic action to come.

#8: Great White Hunter Hunting
A dual meaning in the title, who's hunting who was my first question. Sebastian's cavalier attitude hooked me, though the change in alertness leading to an inciting moment did too. I read invented words for their resonance with familiar concepts and the feel of their sounds. They spoke to me of an interesting exploration in a familiar yet alien world.

#9: Red Sky In Morning...All Take Warning."
The nautical motif of the title suggests a foreshadowing of a stormy passage. Tying it to a third red sun intrigued me. Bishop's allusion to Torak, from either David Eddings' Belgeriad, or Michelle Paver's Chronicles of Ancient Darkness, suggests a fantasy epic. I appreciate cultural allusions, whether I'm familiar with them or not. They provide figurative benchmarks that enhance the literal meaning of stories. Hook-wise, the title spoke to me most.

#10: A Guided Lure
The title suggests a fishing expedition where the tables are turned on the fishermen. "Continental worm" hooked me most. I'm curious to know what it represents. The guide's hex-shelter being empty is a well-paced inciting moment. I also want to hear what's on the voice recorder. "Your mission, if you choose to accept it..." sprang to mind.

#11: Zero Sum Games
The title suggests a role playing game scenario where there can be only one winner and everyone else loses utterly, which promises an action packed plot with twists and turns. I'm hooked by wanting to see how the zero sum game will play out between Sebastian and Bishop, other characters, less so.

#12: Under the Blood-Red Sky
The title hooked me, I was interested to read on just to find out how the story might allude to the U2 live album of the same name. I also was well satisfied about where in all of creation I was from the ample physical descriptions.

#13: There's No Payout in This Game
Being in first person, what hooked me was a desire to see Sebastian's degradation play out in his internal discourse. I was also intrigued by the literary allusion to "The Most Dangerous Game" (1924) by Richard Connell. Even in the excerpt, the Berian posed in conflict with Sebastian sets up the context for a later betrayal.

#14: "A Berian Moon"
The excerpt flows like a microfiction story. There's an understated inciting moment that poses as a tension builder from the difficult posture, Bishop contorted inside the tree; to a momentary climax, the screech of the Dtydactlyn; and cycles through to a satisfying resolution in the final phrase fragment. When an excerpt has a mini plot, it promises an effective overarching plot. Well done. The initial hook here for me was Bishop as a female protagonist.

Ballot

Title: #7, Without a Paddle

Hook
First place: #7, Without a Paddle
Second place: #3, The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Third place: #14, A Berian Moon

First fav: entry 9
Second fav: entry 11
Third fav: entry 10

The entries were all strong, and my choices boiled down to what would get me to read on, given this topic.

# 9. Introduces the setting--very important in a story like this, as well as conveying the essence of the characters and their relationship. Those distinctive and interesting personalities are the hook. The last line--"no video game"--is subtle, but definitely implies they will encounter a threat.

# 11: The characters encounter a problem, and there is enough characterization for the reader to be concerned. Just enough of the setting for the magnitude of the problem to make sense.

# 10: I feel like I'm giving the same crit, but these same 3 points seem to be important for me to get into this plot: Seeing the place, getting a sense of the protogonists personality and caring about them, and an being concerned about their problem. This entry addressed these points very well.

Favorite Title #5 Preying for Time

1st #5 Preying for Time
2nd #7 Without a Paddle
3rd #10 A Guided Lure

#5 Preying for Time-Drew me into the moment very well. Sense of urgency. The grabbing Sebastian section needs work, better guiding of the reader to the destination. I also was caught by the word "time" reapeated in the last line, or did you mean to do that?

#7 Without a Paddle-Loved the humor. The prototype (does it come with tweezers?). I really do not like first person narrative, it throws off the start. Shorten the description of his roll (squat? is he scared that bad that he needs to...well,you know). I love the last line and can imagine the "what now, oh crap" look on their faces.

#1: Entry 11: Zero Sum Games
#2: Entry 3 The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
#2: Entry 5 Preying for Time

I read the pre-trimmed version. Lines 14 through 19 had a nice hook going. The first 13 struggled, though.

Intro 2 Title: Weapons Expert

This read a bit pulp. If this were the beginning of a story who’s plot I didn’t know I would have been very confused. In other words, it belonged on page three or four, not the opening paragraph.

Intro 3 Title: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood

Interesting and an original way to start this story. It doesn’t really grab me though. I found it well written and admittedly, I would read on.

Intro 4 Title: Natural Selection

Way to start it with action. I do not like how dense the Dactlyn are. Why aren’t they breaking for cover? They act like sheep instead of predators.

Intro 5 Title: PREYING FOR TIME

I do find the time freezer interesting but this doesn’t read the first paragraph of this synopsis. More like the middle of the piece.

Intro 6 Title: Hunting for Verundi

A little telling. A good place to start though. Write this with dialog instead and you might have had something.

Intro 7 Title: Without A Paddle

This started right in the middle of a scene. I keep wondering “what happened before this?” If I would have picked up this story in a magazine I would be wondering if I was missing the page before this. I did really like that the rock was an animal, though. That made a nice hook.

Intro 8 Title: Great White Hunter Hunting

I do not like the title (cliché) and the first sentence, Clung-yung-yung, the n-dimensional luton round ricocheted off the bundyuv trunk like a steel halyard whacking a flag pole, I have problems with. Is Clung-yung-yung a sound or the name the ammunition? n-dimensional luton borders on techno babble and steel halyard is too peripheral of a term to use in this analogy. Steel cable would have worked fine in its place. It can be irritating when a google search is necessary to enjoy a story.
That being said I thought the rest was great. I nice place to start this tale although I do wonder why they are there at the moment. The laser dot was a nice touch.

Entry # 9
Title: "Red Sky In Morning...All Take Warning."

The opening line was a nice visual. The rest seemed out of place. Torak? Video game? In a far future like this I would think these things would be out of place as vaudeville and the Radio version of the Dick Tracy.

Entry # 10
Title: A Guided Lure
Nice title. I had to read it a couple of times to get a clear idea what was going on. It becomes clear to the narrator that a set has been taken place. Hooky, sort of. I would at least need to read the next paragraph to see what is going on.

Entry No: 11
Zero Sum Games

I want to do some trimming to this. Of course if was and As if on cue, aren’t needed and would read better without it. Sebastian and Bishop seems a little dense. I hope they get smart quick.

Entry 12
Under the Blood-Red Sky

Not bad. The opening paragraph had a sense of urgency to it. The next sentence suggested it wasn’t so dire. Kind of made me feel cheated. Still it was effective and made me want to read more but the next few paragraphs better be good or I would be cursing the author and swear never to read another one of their works for bait and switching me like that.

Entry 13
Title: There's No Payout in This Game

This I liked. A proper opening for the synopsis and suggest a lot more is going to happen. Knowing what is going to happen, it appears to be a motivation for vengeance involving the Berian. Nice job.

Entry #: 14
Title: A Berian Moon.
I like the fact that Bishop is a woman as well. Nice idea and made it hooky. It is clear that she is formidable. However, like so many of the others, this doesn’t seem like it should be the opening paragraph, more like a scene further in the story.

Best Title #10 A Guided Lure

First #13 There's No Payout in This Game

Second #8 Great White Hunter Hunting

Title pick: Without a paddle
First: A Berian Moon
second: A guided Lure
Third: Under the blood red sky

1: Beating the Odds
Hm... two guys in a bar. Not hooking me.

2: Weapons Expert
Whoa--a lot is happening here and I'm not sure I understand what's going on. For some reason the first person is really throwing me. It doesn't quote fit.

3: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Unwieldy title. Not really drawn in by the alien perspective, but I like the attempt.

4: Natural Selection
Two guys taking pot shots at some sort of creatures. The thing that would keep me reading is the desire that they'll turn into Dactlyn chow in short order.

5: Preying for time
Title pun didn't for for me. How the heck are they going to prey for time? I'd probably read on in this action setting, though the set up feels a little forced to me. If it's so close he could smell the breath would they really have a chance to charge the weapons, turn, and fire?

6: Hunting for Verundi
First two paragraphs are a bit tell-y. Not really drawn in.

7: Without a paddle
Again, I think the story started too soon. I'm not really drawn in here. Cute title, promises some humor.

8: Great White Hunter Hunting
Unwieldy title, alliteration didn't work for me. Can't even get through the first sentence! Sorry, too many weird words.

9: Red sky in the morning... all take warning
Lengthy title, but worked for foreshadowing. Don't get who's talking right off the bat. Nor are the characters particularly likable here.

10: A guided lure
Hm... moving a bit too fast for me. But I'd probably turn the page.

11. Zero sum games.
Missing words are suspect--author got all of one extra word snuck into the 13 lines! Situation feels a bit forced.

12: Under the Blood-red sky
Cliched title. Smoothly written though the pace felt rushed; nevertheless I'd turn the page.

13: There's no payout this game
Sorry, turned off by present tense. However, I'd turn the page.

Intro 1 Title: Beating the Odds
There’s nothing technically wrong with this, other than I don’t see a hook. Good quality prose, smooth dialogue and flows well. But, for me, there’s nothing compelling enough to keep me reading.

Intro 2 Title: Weapons Expert
From their situation, the peril is clear. Enough so, that I thought all the stuff about security cameras and snipped wires was too much exposition crammed into the opening, which made it feel a bit confusing/cluttered. Maybe this would’ve been stronger by just focusing on the situation, and getting into the security camera intrigue a bit later on?

Intro 3 Title: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Smooth prose clearly showing the scene. I like it. Minor nit: it’s an “alien plant”, so mention of a “spider monkey” feels very specific. Maybe just say “monkey”? Larger nit: the word “puke”, while nicely descriptive, is such a human word, it pulls me out of the story. Could it just make him “sick”?

Intro 4 Title: Natural Selection
Very well written. I was fine up until he calls his first shot to kill the second Dactlyn the “third” and when he misses, his second shot is the fourth. I didn’t quite “get it” on the first read through, and the second time, I couldn’t decide if this was clever or confusing.

Intr0 5 Title: PREYING FOR TIME\
You could almost put “The End” after this and call it micro-flash fiction. It reads like a complete story in 13 lines. For a beginning, I would prefer to take a step back, and work up to this point.

Intro 6 Title: Hunting for Verundi
I think this would be stronger if you didn’t tell us the upcoming trip will be exciting. This feels like a teaser from your 6 o’clock news... “we’ll have the exciting details right after these commercials. Stay tuned!” Otherwise, this is solid, and based on the synopsis, starts at the logical place. The interaction with the Berian in a casino is the incident that “hooks” the character into the story.

Intro 7 Title: Without A Paddle
I’m a bit overwhelmed. The first paragraph is good. The action is clearly described, and I’m interested in what will happen. But then the story brings in a “guide” and a “homing chit” and a “prototype” and a “multi-purpose knife”, and I’m left scratching my head. It feels like too much to dump on me too soon. I’d be more hooked if the opening just stuck to the scene at hand.

Intro 8 Title: Great White Hunter Hunting
That’s a lot of new words to learn! The prose is smooth and it flows beautifully. If the first line were eliminated and the jargon toned down in the rest, I feel this would have a strong hook. “Clung-Yung-Yung, the N-Dimensional Luton” sounds like the title from some long lost speculative Dr. Suess story.

Entry # 9 Title: Red Sky In Morning...All Take Warning
I like it. Simple and to the point, it creates a hook. The Jurassic Park reference felt a bit cliché, and the line “despite the ill feelings of earlier” made me say “huh?” Also I don’t know who/what “Torak” is/was. Was it a character from Jurassic Park?

Entry # 10 Title: A Guided Lure
Good! There’s action and tension, but I’m not overwhelmed. The hook is there. Alas, I’m trying desperately but failing miserably to picture what exactly a “massive continental worm” is or looks like. By any chance, did you pick up a box of ‘em dashes’ on sale this week?

Entry No: 11 Zero Sum Games
I’m hooked and would read on. Love the opening paragraph – sets scene and situation clearly. The rest could be tightened up a bit, but this is a minor quibble. It might read better if it was more concise, but it also might lose some of the tone, which I enjoy.

Entry 12 Under the Blood-Red Sky
Again, I’m hooked and would read on. The prose is top-notch. Perhaps it’s a bit description-heavy? That’s probably forgivable where you’re trying to set scene, but I would imagine once the story kicks in, the pace would pick up. I don’t think everything has to be described in such detail.

Entry 13 Title: There's No Payout in This Game
A great place to start. The voice sets this apart and brings the focus strongly on the character – you either like this style or hate it. Hopefully the story is strong enough to overcome any objections to the POV. Sebastian is portrayed as a “player”, cold and calculating… can enough compassion for him be developed to enable the reader to care about what happens to him?

Entry #: 14 Title: A Berian Moon
I’m repeating myself, but again, I’m hooked and would read on. Good dialogue. Good description of action/setting. Flows well. Technical quibble: in the phrase “its pores expanding”, I read the its as referring to the dart, when I believe you meant the animal’s pores.

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And the envelope please...

FIRST: 14: A Berian Moon
SECOND: 11: Zero Sum Games
THIRD: 3: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood

Best title: 12 - Under a Blood Red Sky

1st - Entry 4 - Natural Selection
2nd - Entry 7 - Without a Paddle
3rd - Entry 5 - Preying for Time

Intro 2 Title: Weapons Expert
The first paragraph is very strong in my opinion, but the second seems to counteract the feeling building towards the heroism of the character. It seems to me the hero wouldn’t be susceptible to adrenaline affecting him to do something chips and cameras. I need him to be level headed enough to do so. He isn’t diffusing a bomb.

Intro 3 Title: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood
Good prose, especially toward the end, but it did little to generate interest in the plot. The movement felt a little uncertain and unsteady.

Intro 4 Title: Natural Selection
The ‘List’ didn’t quite do it for me. It felt like a play by play replay.

Intr0 5 Title: [PREYING FOR TIME

Great action and suspenseful last line. I would read on, although there were some issues with prose.

Intro 6 Title: Hunting for Verundi
Good hook. Solid intro. I would turn the page.

Intro 7 Title: Without A Paddle

Great tone and pace. I found the prose exceptional. I would definitely turn the page.

Intro 8 Title: Great White Hunter Hunting

Another interesting hook, one of my faves. It was a little busy, but I would continue.

Entry # 9
Title: "Red Sky In Morning...All Take Warning."
The main gripe I had with this was the pop culture reference. It really seemed to date this piece. Otherwise I liked the subtle lead-in. It felt like a movie script, but in a good way. The long paragragh breaks gave me a chance to imagine the scene. Nice title too.

Title: A Guided Lure

Definitely the best pick for title. Also one of the top picks. It left questions in a good way, a compelling lure, much the same as the title.
Entry No: 11
Zero Sum Games
This one didn’t do that much for me. I found the pace a little to expedient, and it never really got to a solid hook.

Entry 12
Under the Blood-Red Sky
I didn’t find much about this compelling. It was written ok, just a little slow in my opinion.

Entry 13
Title: There's No Payout in This Game
Ooohhh! This one is dark and luring. I like the first person. So far the top pick.

Entry #: 14
Title: A Berian Moon.
I like. I enjoyed that Bishop is a female in this one. It led to an interesting dark character.

First Pick:
Entry 13
Title: There's No Payout in This Game

Second Pick:
Entry 10
Title: A Guided Lure

Third Pick:
Entry #: 14
Title: A Berian Moon.

Pick Two: Entry 14: A Berian Moon

Pick Three: Intro 4: Natural Selection

Best Title: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood

Scott will post the results tomorrow (or I will if he is unavailable).

I do not have the names for entry 12&13. Snapper if you would be so kind as to edit them in, that would be great, and thanks again for grabbing the reins in my absence. Congrats to the winners. They were all very good. It is getting more difficult to judge as everyone improves.

Winner: #14 ‘A Berian Moon’ – by Illiterate (29 points)

Second #10 ‘A Guided Lure’ – by skadder (23 points)

Third # 3 ‘The Taste of Terran Heart Blood – by KathyTon (20 points)

Best Title – Drawn: ‘Preying for Time’; ‘Without a Paddle’; ‘A Guided Lure’.

Intro 1 Title: Beating the Odds by Snapper
Intro 2 Title Weapons Expertby Unwritten
Intro 3 Title: The Taste of Terran Heart Blood by KathyTon
Intro 4 Title: Natural Selectionby JustinProse
Intr0 5 Title:PREYING FOR TIMEbyStammsp
Intro 6 Title:Hunting for VerundibyMrs. Brown
Intro 7 Title:Without A PaddlebyInarticulate Babbler
Intro 8 Title:Great White Hunter Huntingby Extrinsic
Entry 9 Title: Red Sky In Morning...All Take Warning.
by Tiergan
Entry 10 Title: A Guided Lure by Skadder
Entry 11 Title:Zero Sum Game By AnnePin
Entry 12 Title:Under the Blood-Red Sky by Wolfe boy
Entry 13:Title: There's No Payout in This GameJeff M
Entry 14 Title:A Berian Moonby Illiterate

Good work everyone. Congrats to the winners.

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That said, there are POV issues here (We dodged?)

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That said, I don't know that it's really a POV thing, just my impression.

Jayson Merryfield

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If he's recollecting these actions to someone after the fact, I could see the cooler detachment

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Uh..this has to be true of 1st person, past tense.

Not to be annoying, but:

quote:

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Lord knows if you and I were caught in a shootout, I'm more worried about my own skin than yours, at least until I know I'm safe.

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That is a perfectly reasonable way of thinking, however, I wouldn't feel that way. In fact, I've had occassion to take a proverbial "bullet" for a friend and have, unquestioningly. Some people automatically think of their own safety, others' first thoughts are to protect. I guess, heroes don't think normally.

In my opinion, the smart money is on B.

Jayson Merryfield

Is that enough, or does the third sentence need to change? And then is it okay? (From a show/tell standpoint; I realize it could probably use more conflict, action, etc.)

Can a teaser ever work? (Link to existing thread preferred.)

P.S. I was not trying to be tricky with the spacing. The submission was all nice and neat, spaces where they belonged.

Mrs. B, what do you mean by a teaser? I would define it as anything that foreshadows a future event. Based on your context, I'm thinking it means something closer to a statement of facts to come? Either way, I think the answer is yes, though I can't think of an existing thread. A search might pop one up (sorry, too lazy to do it myself!)

I think the third sentence of your entry starts you off in a good place.

MrsBrown, I'm taking another pass at your entry.... and I am once again revising my critique. (Lord, maybe I need to spend a little more time on them in the first place!) With the exorcism of the first two lines, the telling doesn't bother me as much. I'm not a terrific fan of opening lines like that, so if they went the way of the dodo, I'd be happier. Now, with the removal of those two lines, maybe the next two lines would stimulate some interest in me? The way the guard introduces the Berian doesn't pique my interest, and neither does the poker. In my opinion, to start at this point in the story, you need to nail the mood of danger and adventure, or really nail a character or two. Right now, I'm reading weak attempts at both of those.

I thought I validated your opinion of "self-preservation", and offered another view, too. I honestly don't believe there's necessarily a right or wrong in perception, just trying to work stuff out.

Working things out helps me as much as I hope it's helped you.

Anyway, no harm, nor foul (fowl?).

MrsBrown, although I didn't comment on it then, I thought I could help clarify:

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Sebastian Conte loved to gamble; the higher the stakes, the better.<--[Telling us, infodump-ish exposition. Not showing us him betting with an other patron on how many seconds a roulette wheel would spin and which waitress would make the next rounds.] Who knew the expedition to Vos would be the most exciting gamble of his life? <--[Distant. Narrator involving the reader.]

It started at his private poker table, in the Shangrai La hotel orbiting Sentari Five.<--[In the preceding vein.] Sebastian tucked away his cards and eyed his chief weapons designer, Frank Bishop.<--[This is not distant.] A flush should win, but with his luck tonight Bishop would lay down four aces. No guts, no glory. Sebastian slid two stacks of water credits across the green velvet.<--[This is good mood-through-characterization.]

“Sir.” Sebastian’s bodyguard whispered in his ear. “A Berian wants to see you. Says he has the opportunity of a lifetime.”

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