1 character development -- 6 (The MC is a solid 8 but the others brought it down)
2 plot -- 6
3 satisfactory ending -- 6 (it would have been better if it would have ended in the desert)
4 milieu -- 6
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 7
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 6
8 dialogue -- 7
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") – 6

1 character development -- 9
2 plot -- 8
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 8
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue – 9 (humorous, at spots)
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") – 8

Story overall: 7 In its current form, it might sell to certain markets, but I think with a little more work, you could aim higher.

Opening: I liked the opening, but now that I read the story, I think the story actually starts later, with the attack. The conversation introduces information that we don't really need at that point in the story

Story characteristics:

1 character development: Gripp and the prince are in the 7 to 8 range, but the villain (sorry, can't recall names) rates a 3 -- he need depth to be a worthy opponent to these interesting guys

2 plot: 9 interesting, grounded in the personalities. the story does a good job of challenging the characters

3 satisfactory ending 5 Gripp inheriting is fine, but switching scenes back to the castle really lets the emotional energy dissipate and generally ties things up in too neat a bow.

4 milieu 8 this is an interesting world. I love politics and intrigue in fantasy settings

5 willing suspension of disbelief 9 I believed the magic, probably due to the fine sense of detail and rules

6 unique/never been done before I don't feel qualified to judge, I read so little fantasy. It has a George Martin sort of feel, but not exactly or specifically. More like in that school. (which is a good thing, in my mind)

7 writing style 7 Generally very clear and readable, and some passages are excellent (I've sent comments to Evan) I think this piece would benefit by shortening to 5K words or less.

8 dialogue 8 Great, good ear

9 action 8 Clear and easy to picture.

10 understandable ("I get it") 9 no problems here

I have someone else's story -- I'll get some remarks up about it soon,

Story overall -- 3
this is a wonderful, imaginative, well-written story, but I think you'll have to spend a lot of thought on editing. There is so much story, so much material, this could be a novel. It's a big story. So, on the plus side, you know exactly what your story is about and have great narrative skills, good dialogue, etc. But a modern short story needs to focus on conveying one emotion, one pivot point in a person's life. What specifically does Lynn want? What prevents her for having it? You've done a good job of putting her up a tree and throwing rocks, but the experience doesn't seem to test her in a real way. she doesn't solve a problem, really. she happens to see something. If that is the climax, it needs to happen at a dramatic peak in the story arc.

Story characteristics:

1 character development -- 7 Lynn is great. there are too many other many characters for a short story.
2 plot -- 9
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 7 the Florida town was very good
5 willing suspension of disbelief --7 I think working on the details of the emotional reality as opposed to the somewhat info dumpy facts would make this situation more believable
6 unique/never been done before -- 9 (but I don't read alot of science fiction)
7 writing style -- 7 My main issue with the writing was stuffing facts in, which was a function of squeezing this novel into a long short story.
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 6 Very little action; Lynn observes, which is something of a problem for the story arc.
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9

I feel like I'm being negative, but I totally relate to writing mega stories that want to be novels and struggling to find the right angle on material so that it actually is a short story as opposed to a novel summary. Keep working on this; it is a very cool idea.

Story Overall: 3
I got no sense of the conflict. Obviously there was some terrible stuff happening here but the problem was that it was just happening to Estellia. Then she suddenly became awesome and was never challenged.

Story Characteristics: 5
The characters were okay but I really didn’t get a feel for the emotion of the girl. It seemed like she so readily accepted what was going on that the emotion was just gleaned over.

Plot: 3
As I noted above, there just wasn’t much of a story here.

Milieu: 6
The city was painted pretty well although I thought after finishing the story that the city was worse than I originally visualized. Perhaps a clearer picture could be painted.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 4
This is an urban fantasy so you can stretch things pretty far before belief goes out the window. My major beef though is that magic was too easy to come by for both of them. There seemed to be no cost.

Unique/Never been done: 7
I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m not very well read in urban fantasy though.

Writing Style: 6
The writing was pretty solid but could use some tightening. Check your adjectives and adverbs that end in ‘ly’.

Dialogue: 6
The dialogue was technically fine but I got the feeling of a monologue through most of what the bad guy was saying.

Action: 7
The action description didn’t catch my eye so it must have been good.

Understandable (I get it): 8
Nothing confusing here.

Story Characteristics: 6
There wasn’t a great deal of depth to the characters. Carter was a flighty musician and Abe was a stick in the mud trust-fund baby. Beyond these stereotypes I didn’t get much as to who they were.

Plot: 6
The story was entertaining though I didn’t really get a feel for a strong plot.

Milieu: 5
The cemetery was supposed to be a creepy scary place but I never really felt it. So strong descriptions coupled with more of how the characters felt in the setting might work.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 5
I found it a little far-fetched but of course there is nothing to say that entire thing hadn’t been a hallucination and that Abe simply knocked himself out and bloodied his nose instead of being dead or severely injured.

Unique/Never been done: 7
It’s new to me.

Writing Style: 7
The writing was solid. Nothing pulled me out of the story as I read.

Dialogue: 7
The dialogue seemed believable although the conversations with Jim were a little confusing at times.

Action: 6
There wasn’t a great deal of action here until the end. I had to reread the passage where Abe climbed up behind Carter to see how he got up there. Might think about making that clearer.

Understandable (I get it): 8
Yeah, I get it.

Story Overall: 6
I liked this piece but I had it all figured out by the second or third page. There wasn’t much mystery after that point although I did finish he story.

Story Characteristics: 7
I think the characters (Charles and Lena) where pretty well developed. You don’t say a great deal about them but their actions speak volumes about their relationship.

Plot: 6
This story had very little plot to speak of.

Milieu: 5
I wouldn’t have minded a better description of the house. What were their living standards? Was it an old house or a new one? As it was I visualized a pretty generic house that works fine for the story.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 5
It’s a ghost story. I don’t really believe in ghosts so this was tough to over look but other than that it was fine. Lena was an especially vitriolic ghost though.

Unique/Never been done: 5
This had a feeling much like Sixth Sense where a ghost doesn’t really get that they are dead. Lena was clearly suffering from multiple personality disorder which gives it a faint feeling of the ending of Fight Club. Not very unique but still done well, I think.

Writing Style: 8
The writing was tight and clear I had no qualms with it at all.

Dialogue: 7
The dialogue was fine though it was almost entirely Lena yelling. There were a couple passages that felt a little overwrought but otherwise it was good.

Action: 8
The action scenes were well done.

Understandable (I get it): 9
I get it.

I wasn’t entirely clear about who the PoV character was throughout. I believe it was Lena but there were a couple of points where the narrator talks about her ‘bitching’ and what not. It seems like Lena wouldn’t think she was bitching. Just an idea.

Story Overall: 8
I really enjoyed the story. It was simple and relatively upbeat but still had a very strong Sci-Fi feel to it.

Story Characteristics: 7
I got a much better feel for Eve (SpaceTart) than I did for the unnamed MC. I think it could use a little more about him(?).

Plot: 7
Maybe I don’t know the proper definition of the word plot but I find a great deal of short stories don’t seem to have what I would call plot. This is no exception. It’s no worse a story for it however.

Milieu: 6
Beyond the online forums and VR I don’t get a strong feel for the world as it exists in this story. Time period and technology seem to hint at near future but there is little to go on.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 9
No suspension of disbelief required, every fantastic element of this story is backed up by believable science. Well done.

Unique/Never been done: 8
I’ve never read anything like it.

Writing Style: 8
I thought the writing was supurb.

Dialogue: 7
The dialogue was technically fine. Nothing to complain about.

Action: 7
No action to speak of really.

Understandable (I get it): 9
Makes great sense to me.

Story Overall: 9
This was brilliant. I haven’t the gift for flash and I wish I did when I read something like this. Very well done.

Story Characteristics: 5
In flash it is very expensive to develop good characters but through well written dialogue you’ve manage to tell a lot about both the android as well as the owner.

Plot: 8
Not much of one, as expected in a flash story.

Milieu: 7
Not much is told about the shed but I think most readers will be able to come up with a believable shed without this. Might think about adding some basic descriptions.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 8
Robot technology is such that there really isn’t much suspension needed. We aren’t that far off from this now.

Unique/Never been done: 7
Androids have been done and done and done again. This is unique to me though. Like nothing I’ve read.

Writing Style: 8
The writing is great. Well done.

Dialogue: 9
The dialogue is very important to this story and I think you’ve done it justice.

Action: 7
There isn’t much action here except the owners fall. Which is described well.

Understandable (I get it): 9
Nothing confusing here.

This was the best piece I read this month. Very well done and I think very saleable. Good Luck!

Story Overall: 7

Character Development: 8 The main character was of course the most developed, and some fall into the background but with an ensemble cast thats inevitable.

Plot: 7-8 this one is hard to say...I only really have one main plausability issue (why didn't anyone notice Jupiter is still where its supposed to be) and the overall concepts were most intriguing

Satisfactory Ending: 6 personally I could have gone with more info here and less info about Jupiter in other parts possibly.

Suspension of Disbelief: 7 good overall except that one thing mentioned above.

Unique: 8 something like this probably has been done before but I thought the combination of elements was pretty original.

Writing Style: 8 very nice throughout, maybe just a little work on the info delivery

Dialogue: 8 very nice

Action: I'm not even going to grade this catagory cause I don't really feel it applies to this story.

Understandable: 8 I understood what was going on but i guess I just would have liked more information at the end as to the details.

1 character development -- 2

By page 6 I still don't know what MC is a Doctor of, nor why a Colonel is interested in her. Hard to get engaged with a character one doesn't know.

Aliens need stronger motivation to do what seems an enormously expensive project.

MC and friends are largely passive in this story. They accomplish little, and there's nothing to root for.

2 plot -- 2

Too much fash-back in MC's mind, too infodumpy.
And, by page 6, I've not suspended disbelief on the basic premise, of Jupiter departing orbit--partly because the characters don't understand it either.

"They had been met by a delegation of bipedal aliens " -- we missed the story.

3 satisfactory ending -- 2
4 milieu -- 2
Present day, I guess
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 1
6 unique/never been done before -- 2
7 writing style -- 4

Use of past perfect tense instead of past ("She had resorted ...")
When MC sees what's happening and tells everyone, we get left out--witholding. That's when I started skimming.

8 dialogue -- 4
9 action -- 2
We missed the action
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 5

There could be some dramatic imagery here, with huge ships swallowing planets, but sorry, I didn't get past willing suspension of disbelief.

Story overall -- 2

Metal Fatigue

1 character development -- 7
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 7
4 milieu -- 9
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 9
6 unique/never been done before -- 7
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 8
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9

An amusing little story, only slightly spoiled by the convenience of Snipe's accident. Great title. Robot stories are hard to do, I think, because they invite comparisons with Asimov; this one doesn't beg the comparison, which is clever--I think it's partly because the robot appears to have (rudimentary) feelings. I like the reference to Turing.

Story overall -- 8 - submit it

A Way Out/Music

1 character development -- 8
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 8
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 9
8 dialogue -- 9
9 action -- 7
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8

I almost got it, certainly enjoyed it. The two characters seemed authentically young, very real. Or should that be, very surreal?

Story overall -- 8 - submit it

Pity for Lena

1 character development -- 2

I guess Lena's a potergeist. There's very little reaction between her and the other characters, except for the throwing of things, and the relationship with Charles and their kids--always nagging--too stereotypical to be interesting--some reason for her nagging would help, perhaps.

2 plot -- 2
3 satisfactory ending -- 2

It reads somewhat like a theory of why poltergeists exist.

4 milieu -- 2

Present day, one assumes

5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 4

Once I realized she's a poltergeist, I believed in the concept quite happily.

6 unique/never been done before -- 2

I'm not much of a fan of ghost stories but surely such exist with nagging wives haunting husbands?

7 writing style -- 3

It's very sequential--first this happens, then that. Needs some foreshadowing, some twists and turns--this interrelates with plot.

8 dialogue -- 5

9 action -- 5

10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8

Hmm, needs some work methinks.

Story overall -- 3

The Rink

1 character development -- 2

2 plot --

Why'd the moon shatter? How'd they manage to build a world underground?

This seems like a slice of life in a future world, missing the main story.

3 satisfactory ending -- 2
4 milieu -- 3
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 2

I believed the story while we were in the elevator, but lost it when the shattering of the moon was mentioned.

6 unique/never been done before -- 2

Cold dystopias have been written before, I think.

7 writing style -- 4
8 dialogue -- 2

There's hardly any.

9 action -- 3

10 understandable ("I get it") -- 4

There's a good concept here somewhere, if you can justify the cold world and the underground living. If you really want the slice of life thing, I'd recommend considering foreshadowing the ending with MC thinking from time to time about her own future and her daughter; maybe too, thinking about her skating during the elevator ride, her desire to do the three and a half turns, and why it matters so much.

Story overall -- 3

Estellia's Awakening

1 character development -- 7
2 plot -- 6
3 satisfactory ending -- 8
4 milieu -- 8
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 7

Seems to me they speak more correctly under duress than I'd expect.

9 action -- 8
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 9

It's well written with some dramatic imagery. Horror and torture aren't to my taste so I skimmed a lot of the middle bit. Normally, I'd have not read on; some hope or foreshadowing of her awakening might have helped me stick with it. With some work I imagine it would sell to one of the "darker" markets.

Hope this helps,
Pat

"They think you're on medication," he said.

"I just had lots to do this month--tell 'em I'm sorry I was so late posting."

"Do you think everyone's done for this month?"

"Yeah, I think so. And, I thought it was a good month, some decent stories that people had obviously put much work into."

"I thought so too," said Zac. "Are you going to thank everyone for their participation?"

"Yes, let's do that ..."

Overall -- 7

Character Development -- 8
The title character is the most interesting of the two main characters although they each have goals and motivations that are easy to understand. Both grow more interesting as the story progresses.

Plot -- 7
The story does a good job of setting up an engaging arc and then gradually pulling back the curtain to reveal what is happening behind the scenes.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
The story does a good job of delivering on its promise. The MC wants to know who this girl is and the more he delves into her existence the more strange and interesting she becomes. In the end, he finds out the answers and they settle into a relationship that's as close as it could be.

Milieu -- 8
Nothing spectacular but certainly suitable for the scope of the story.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 7
If I really thought about how accurate the science would need to be for a partially organic spaceship to travel and function, I'd probably find nits to pick; however, I didn't analyze the science part too much because the fiction part was so engaging.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 7
Has some familiar elements contained within an original and entertaining world.

Writing Style -- 8
Instinctively, it feels like this author has written good stories before and can be trusted to deliver a good reading experience, which did turn out to be absolutely true. Nice work.

Dialogue -- 8
Overall solid. Sometimes a little flat when explaining the facts and some of the spoken phrases are worn -- more could be done to reveal the characters' personalities through more specific wording.

Action -- 8
Clean and spare but appropriate for the story.

Overall -- 5

Character Development -- 4
I liked the character types but wanted to know why the antagonist became obsessed with the "art" he pursued besides just being insane (although that was fun). That would add some depth. The MC was sympathetic but happened to discover her talent at the most opportune moment. Other than having a desire to live in a place with trees, animals and clean air, there didn't seem to be any active effort to pursue magic on her part so that when it came to her, it felt contrived. I did root for her and wanted her to be victorious, however, and admired her for her choices at the climax.

Plot -- 5
The main idea was very engaging but again, the events came about to some degree because they needed to for the plot to function, as noted in the section above.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
I liked the conclusion and how the MC used her powers to make something positive from the destructive villain.

Milieu -- 8
The story develops a very well-presented and believable world for the characters to exist in. The milieu feels cold and decaying and inhospitable and that gives the final scene a terrific contrast to play on. Well done.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 5
The setting made the story effective but I just had trouble getting past the coincidences of the plot.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 5
Serviceable but not to far afield of other stories in the genre.

Writing Style -- 6
Certainly above average. Keep writing! Professionalism and polish will come with practice and that is true for everyone.

Dialogue -- 5
A little too much of the characters yelling or threatening each other with phrases that felt a bit trite. It sounds odd but the main character's thoughts and words apart from the scenes with the villain were more real, such as when she spoke to the dog. That's when I felt her relating better.

Action -- 6
A little predictable along the lines of the plotting but the descriptions and word choices were good.

Overall -- 7

Character Development -- 7
I liked how the MC was willing to sacrifice his most cherished wish to help his friend. He had the strength to realize what was truly important and that was what resonated with me. I don't know much about Jim Morrison, but he came across as a self-absorbed, tortured genius and worked as a character in his own right.

Plot -- 7
Even moreso than most, writers can identify with the desire to be acknowledged and remembered beyond the ends of their lives -- at least I can! So I was engaged in the doings of the characters and enjoyed the ride.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
I didn't see the end from the beginning and since the resolution grew organically out of the characters' personalities it felt appropriate and consistent.

Milieu -- 8
The setting was well-described in the beginning and the author didn't belabor it. I thought it was an interesting place for a story and, even better, it was important to the plot.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 8
Since the characters were real and relatable it was easy to buy into what they were doing and why.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 7
Good marks for originality as noted elsewhere.

Writing Style -- 7
The story flowed well and there weren't many things that interrupted my concentration. Good mechanics and nice word choices with appropriately used similes. Once more through the polisher maybe.

Dialogue -- 8
Good, realistic dialogue suited to the age and lifestyles of the characters.

Action -- 8
More of a character study but the action was aptly described where needed.

Overall -- 8
Character Development -- 8
This was a bittersweet mood piece for me. I thought the characters were vivid and human as they did the best they could do to find meaning in a post-apocalyptic world.

Plot -- 8
This was clearly not a plot-driven story from the outset. However, the events of the story served the characters well and gave them opportunities to act together on a compelling stage.

Satisfactory Ending -- 7
The MC earned what she set out to acquire through her own actions, fulfilling the promise made to herself and the reader. The closing paragraph gives us a bright spark of hope that the characters will continue to make their way and move forward. Poignant and well-presented.

Milieu -- 9
My kind of place! Good descriptions and the right amount of telling details.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 8
I bought into it quickly and easily. I felt that the characters were experiencing this world and saw consistency in the main story and the background details.

Unique/ Never Been Done Before -- 8
Very much an original story with a nice voice to tell it.

Writing Style -- 8
Clear and detailed where appropriate without overburdening the story. The mechanics were good and the writing helped me to feel what the characters were feeling.

Dialogue -- 8
Not a lot of dialogue -- but not a lot was needed to tell the story. The characters spoke in a natural way when they needed to.

Action -- 6
The "staging" of the story was fine. The skating action felt real. The interwoven paragraphs of the turns in the air with the MC's thoughts pulled me out of the story though.

Overall - 6

Character Development - 6
The characters have reached the end of their abilities to grow, or even function adequately, which is kind of what the story is about. Lena's first act is her final act and in the aftermath she can only behave in the same dysfunctional way that marked the bitter end of her life. Her husband, at least, is motivated to take his existence in a different direction but he does so in such a numb fashion that I wondered if he had been equally resigned to his fate since his wedding day.

Plot - 6
There is only one layer to the story but the increasingly strident and demanding Lena makes for an interesting escalation of the arc. There were some good moments when she misinterpreted what was happening.

Satisfactory Ending - 7
When Lena finally shouts that she loves her husband and needs him, it's too late. I found that to be a suitable end and I couldn't help but wonder who the people on the street thought might be screaming or if they knew. The answer to the question doesn't need to be given -- it helps to carry the thoughts of the reader beyond the finale.

Milieu - 6
The domestic disaster of the family home doesn't need to be in the forefront. Enough details are given to give the story a stage and that was all that was needed.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief - 8
I accepted the premise and found it easy to roll with the chaotic train-wreck of the proceedings.

Unique - 6
The original aspects of the story, for me, came up in the sheer gusto and vehemence of Lena's spitefulness.

Writing Style - 7
The author has good writing instincts when it comes to putting words together in a compelling fashion. The style kept me reading.

Dialogue - 7
The speeches were suitably written for the characters. It was interesting to read a story where there are two one-sided conversations going on simultaneously.

Action - 8
The scene with Charles finding strength to move furniture by himself and the intimidated movers was funny. The story overall had a kind of kinetic inevitability that was written to keep the reader engaged.

Overall -- 8

Character Development -- 8
This is Gripps's story from start to finish. I admired his honor and his resourcefulness as he struggled through the events taking place around him. The other characters are as well-rounded as they need to be in order to function and I think that they are sharply drawn without being cumbersome.

Plot -- 8
This is sort of a micro-epic, if such a thing can be. There are dark forces to defeat, a kingdom to save, and souls to be redeemed -- all of it transpires with aplomb. Escapes, heroism, betrayals and more give the plot impetus and it feels like something Dumas might have written if he had thought to include magic.

Satisfactory Ending -- 8
Everyone gets what they deserve -- good, evil and noble -- and not necessarily as expected.

Milieu -- 8
Nothing fancy but solidly realized and consistent with details that make the setting work within the boundaries of the work as a whole.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief -- 9
I had no trouble getting into the story and accepting its magic and its people.

Unique/Never Been Done Before -- 7
A hero's tale without a doubt but all of its elements serve to make it convincing and fresh because the characters are deserving of our attention.

Writing Style -- 9
Barely a hiccup to catch the reader out of the story. Good mechanics, atmospheric, and engaging. Humorous at times and engaging throughout.

Dialogue -- 9
When it is required, and that's not too often, the dialogue is suited to the milieu and the characters. Some good turns of phrase let the speakers' personalities emerge and they all speak to their station and race appropriately. Feels medieval-ish without being overwrought.

Action -- 8
Solidly imagined and clearly described. The reader gets what is needed to follow the action and understand the characters' reactions.

I didn't get to read this one. Based on the reviews given, I have a feeling that I've missed out! Hopefully, all will be well with skadder and his family soon. Best of luck to everyone in their ongoing endeavors.

and sorry to hear about your father, Skadder. You're correct in that writing can be good therapy right now. Take care of yourself; that's the best way to be there for others when you're needed.

(my dad is in the hospital after a fall -- he's 86 and getting a little wobbly-- this totally puts things in perspective for me)