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Author Topic: Ready for Market Challenge -- November
TaleSpinner
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Hi Everyone, and welcome to November's Ready for Market challenge.

The first step is this:

Please post your first thirteen in this thread by November 9th, using the following format:

Title:
Word count:
Genre:
First thirteen:

Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread entitled “Ready for Market--November”.

I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary.

For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle:

On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.

We give ourselves a week or so to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognising that we can't all get to things immediately.

During the week after entries close, we
- grade first 13s
- request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)

By the last day of the month we
- grade at least one manuscript
- grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)

The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.

Cheers,
Pat


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snapper
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Snapper
Tales From Altarra: Eviction Notice
words 1550
fantasy

The two dragons hovered above Snith’s valley. The ice dragon and fire dragon studied the herd of unicorns that had taken over the green pastures. The young rutting males of the herd jostled while the females looked on with curious interest.
“They sure are horny,” said Wulf.
“Of course they are, they’re unicorns.” Snith replied in an irritating tone. “You have always been one to state the obvious, Wulf. What do you think that spiked thing in their forehead is?”
Wulf rolled his eyes. How a dragon could live to be Snith’s age and never learn the art of the double-entendres remained a mystery to all dragons.
“Can you get them to leave?” Snith asked.
“No problem. Unicorns are like spoiled children. They were

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 02, 2008).]


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kathyton
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Title: The Djin in the Wheel
Word count: 2900
Genre: It's a fairy tale, I guess

Once upon a time, a poor potter named Hamza lived in a sun-baked mud hut near the River Sebou. But when the sun baked the hut, the hut baked Hamza. The day burned too hot for him, so he only worked at his wheel by moonlight. Truth be told, the night breeze often lured him to the river bank. He admired the burning-bright stars and listened to the croak-kerplunk of frogs hidden among the rushes. And, truth be told, sometimes the night breeze tempted him to a traveler's desert camp, where lamb chunks skewered on swords roasted over a brazier. Or it carried him to the coffee stall, just inside the city gates of Fes, where a cafe noir could be had in exchange for a story. On such a night he finished little pottery but was happy enough;


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Merlion-Emrys
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Pilgrimage
2,600 words
Could be fantasy, horror, or even sci fi depending on your point of view.

As Matt sank deeper into the Mariana Trench in the submersible vehicle Contender he thought about his dreams, his beloved, cursed dreams that had led him to where he was now.
He’d been around ten when the dreams started. Dreams of water, but most of all, dreams of things in the water. Some were peaceful visions, some horrifying nightmares. But all created a feeling in him that Matt hadn’t been able to name when they started, but had since learned the word for.
Exaltation.
Matt fingered the controls for the submersible’s floodlights. Sweat broke out on his forehead, his back and chest. His hand shook in time with his heartbeat. No…not yet. Right now, surrounded by total blackness, he could imagine


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TaleSpinner
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"Bump," said Zac.

"Shh," I said, "I'm working."

"Your story needs to be done and first 13 posted by the end of today," said Zac.

"Yeah, I know--that's why I'm working and why you shouldn't be disturbing me, silicon head."

"Will you post instructions on what to do next?"

"Yes, tomorrow morning, when everyone's hopefully finished their story and posted its first 13."

"Just checking," said Zac.

"Silicon head," I muttered, and returned to polishing my story.


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LAJD
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Title: A Beautiful Day for a Sail
Word count: 1257
Genre: Horror/Fantasy
First thirteen:

I held on.
My fingers were cramping in the cold water. It clung to me, heavy and dense like gelatin. The sun was directly above me searing the crisp, sunburned part in my hair. I willed the heat down to the cold place where my feet were. I shivered.
I drifted away from the city, it grew blurry and small in the distance. I cursed the impulse that had propelled me out of the house that morning for an early sail. My plan to take advantage of the brisk wind and scoot around the lake for a few minutes before work seemed ill considered. I laid my head against the overturned hull. The waves slapped softly, pushing a cushion of water up between my chest and the hull, each pulse a shock of cold against the warmth from the sun-heated fiberglass.
#



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AWSullivan
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Title: Club No. Five
Word count: 3000
Genre: Science Fiction
First thirteen:

I stood on the second-floor balcony of the Club No. Five, an underground hive of nearly naked dancers and pulsating music. I stared down at the writhing sea of sweat-soaked revelers.

Muscled lizard-men with toothy grins stood near the exits and wandered among the oblivious dancers below. On some level I knew these were ordinary security personnel dressed up by the virus in my head, but they looked terrifying.

A collective cheer rang out as lights and fireworks erupted overhead, showering everyone, and wave of euphoria washed over me as the virus cranked up the dopamine levels of everyone in the club. A rainbow-colored dragon floated high above, beating its wings to the thump of the bass line before diving into one of the large water effects that littered the dance floor and


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TaleSpinner
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Wow, five entries and another couple on the way.

I suggest we start grading first 13s and requesting manuscripts to read and grade by the end of the month, and deal with the late couple as they arrive.

For my part, please everyone, do send your manuscript to me for a read.

Cheers,
Pat


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philocinemas
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I'm sorry, I've got too much going on this month, and I'm leaving for a little over a week on the 21st. I'll try next month.

Chuck

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited November 11, 2008).]


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LAJD
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First 13 Crits:

Tales From Altarra: Eviction Notice (Snapper) 8
I love this opening. It’s funny and hooky. I would definitely read on. There are a couple of small things. – the comment about Snith replying in a irritating tone, made me wonder, who is being irritated? It seems a bit redundant, after all his comment *is* irritating. The line about double-entendres remaining a mystery to all dragons could be tighter, I would remove the –to all dragons- it’s not needed and disrupts the flow.

The Djin in the Wheel (Kathyton) 5
I’m not sure I would read on for this one. This feels like a generic Fairy Tale start, but the writing is nice and I like the image of Hamza hot in the hut, that is alliterative and funny.

Pilgrimage (Merlion-Emrys) 4
I love the idea, but then I wrote the sailing story.
8)
The end of the first line is awkward; I stumbled over it as I was reading. I would clip it at: he thought about his dreams- then make the next phrase a new sentence. Also, the phrase –had led him to- feels awkward.

This line - But all created a feeling in him that Matt hadn’t been able to name when they started, but had since learned the word for.
Exaltation.- feels awkward in the same way. I would rephrase it to tighten it up.

A Beautiful Day for a Sail (LAJD)
I wrote this. So, I both hate and love it.

Club No. 5 (AW Sullivan) 8
Very nice, I’m hooked.
The beginning of the third paragraph feels a bit awkward to me, it’s the - showering everyone- phrase, I think. For a minute I thought they were all wet. I like the description, but I am going to need some action pretty fast. The dragon line at the end, had me wondering exactly what was going on and why you were there. Maybe that is the point?

Whom Time and Tears Have Not Forgotten (Philocinemas) 9
Holy Buckets! I’m hooked! (And might I add that I did not find this in any way purple)
There is so much tension here that if there were any problems, I would have missed them. I am sorry you are dropping out, if you would like me to read this, I’d be happy to.

When the new stories are posted, I will just append my crits to this. Also, I would like to read them all. Please send 'em on,

Thanks
Leslie


[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited November 11, 2008).]


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snapper
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The Djin in the Wheel by Kathyton - 5

As this is it is not hooking me, however I would read on a bit to see if this is a satirical piece that I am suspecting that it is. Hamza doesn’t sound like a very engaging character, so I am wondering what is about to happen to him. Not thrilled about the Once upon a time opening and the two Truth be told makes me suppress a groan.


Pilgrimage by Merlion-Emrys - 5

This isn’t too bad. I’m intrigued but there is too much telling going on. I can’t help wondering if the dream recollection couldn’t be moved back a bit and the opening should be about the scene at hand, a submersible that is descending to the very bottom of the ocean.


A Beautiful Day for a Sail by LAJD - 6

Is that a scene break at the end? I hope this isn’t a flash forward opening. I am intrigued with this tense moment but still had a couple of issues. Water that is dense like jello, drifting away from the city but sailed on a lake (must be a great lake sized lake), too many ‘I’s and ‘me’s. Still good enough to read on for at least a page.


Club No. Five by AWSullivan - 6

Well written. I’ve read enough of Anthony’s stuff to know he knows what he’s doing. The problem I have with this opening is that I feel like I’m playing catch up with the story. I don’t know what’s going on and not sure if it’s worth the investment to figure out what is going on.


Wished you kept your story on, Philocinemas. All you would have needed to do is crit one. You're still invited to participate as well Talespinner. The creator of the thread deserves some leeway.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 11, 2008).]


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Merlion-Emrys
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Tales From Altarra: Eviction Notice, snapper-7

I will preface this by saying I don't really like comedy. Especially "funny dragons". So that probably colours my perceptions.
I dont really care for the "fire dragon/ice dragon" thing for some reason it just seems too simple to me, but then it is comedy. Also I think it should just be double entendre not entendres.
I dont find much wrong with the writing itself just not a style I care for

The Djin in the Wheel kathyton-9

I can't really find anything wrong with this and I think it has a very appealing style. You said its basically a fairytale and the opening, while in some ways maybe not fitting the "modern short story" notions people have seems to me to fit fine for a fairytale.

A Beautiful Day for a Sail LAJD-7


As you've probably realized, I have a predilection for water related stuff, so I would read on here because of that. However, I do find it a little dense, and also there is no hint of a speculative element. We just have someone (whom we know nothing about) floundering around after a boating mishap. If the scene break indicates moving backward in time and then moving back toward the first scene, I'd personally just start at the begining.
The writing itself is quite good though.

Club No. Five AWSullivan-9

This seems extremely publishable to me based on just the first 13. Its true you really have no idea whats going on but that seems to be pretty common in the current fiction I've read lately. Besides, its only the begining. I'm intrigued by the virus, and the indication that perhaps its a...recreational virus? Very nice.


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TaleSpinner
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Tales From Altarra: Eviction Notice Snapper-6

I enjoyed this start because it's light-hearted and amusing.

I think it needs atmosphere--sights, sounds, a sense of place--but still, I'd read on.

I wondered about an ice dragon--sounds kinda contradictory. Also, I think rutting males can be assumed young, and interest is almost always curious--maybe an adjective sweep is in order?

I'd certainly read on for the humour.

The Djin in the Wheel kathyton-6

This is a charming start and I like the writing style--except ...

"truth be told" gets repeated.

I think there's a slight tense mixup in the descriptions of his travels. I think it should be "to the river bank where he would admire ... ", because this matches " ...cafe noir could be had ..." and "he admired" implies he's doing it in the now of the story.

If he gets coffee for a story, what does the roasted lamb cost him? -- Or does he go hungry?

The mood doesn't change from the bright stars and croaking frogs--are there no people around the brazier or coffee stall?

Despite him having no problem I'm drawn in by the lonely character and the quality of writing.

Pilgrimage Merlion-Emrys-6

There's a strong sense of foreboding in this start, and it feels like MC is going to endure to a nasty end, for there seems to be no hope.

"that had led him to where he was now" sounds a bit lame to me and might be replaced with some hint as to the nature of his pilgrimage.

I have a suspicion you should drop "right now"--it jerked me out of his tense mood.

The whole thing sounds very wet and dark, and I'd read on--after donning my scuba gear and checking for a hip flask.

A Beautiful Day for a Sail LAJD-3

I had trouble believing this start. If the sun is so hot why isn't the water warm? Don't sailors wear lifejackets? Why not swim for shore? Or climb onto the hull or tip the boat over? And how do you sail around a lake in a few minutes? You have to get the boat out, sail for what, half an hour at least for a decent sized lake, then shower and change for work: seems unlikely MC will do that in a few minutes.

This sounds like a passive, uninspiring MC and I'd want something active or likeable in his character to be enticed into reading on.

Club No. Five AWSullivan-6

Establishes a strong, colourful atmosphere and the virus is intriguing.

Have you considered shorter, punchy sentences to match the club vibe?

"on some level" -- I associated "level" with "floor level" due to the mention of "balcony" and had to re-read when I realized you meant "level of consciousness".

For me the hook is tenuous because although the atmosphere is clear, I don't know anything about the MC and feel no connection with him.

Cheers,
Pat


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TaleSpinner
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Thanks for the leeway, snapper, but I'm going to pass on it this month. I thought I could clean the story up in a few hours but really, it needs more time to do it justice. I'll hold it over until December's RFM ...

Cheers,
Pat


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Tiergan
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Sorry, I have been inactive for a couple months, and only lurking. Hope to be back in a more stable way after this week. Had got seduced away from my own small company to scout a warehouse for a massive monster of a company. I only had 3 weeks to find a suitable location, and 2 weeks to get it up and running. I am now in the process of learing the wireless system from the tech boys from Italy.

I found a free moment and wanted to say I was glad to see some were still able to write, if not me. So here goes. Kind of interesting to see my own thoughts on your writing in my fried state of mind.

Snapper: Tales From Altarra: Eviction Notice-7
Snapper and his dragons. As usual I find his writing to be easy to read and enjoyable. I would read on for that reason alone. Humor is not my thing in reading, but for some reason, my mood maybe, but I found it very enjoyable. Not clear on the POV, has been a concern in the past, might not be with this style though. My only true nit, is - Snith replied in an irrating tone. You know better than this Snapper! No need for irriatting tone. the dialogue shows it so superbly. Trust your writing friend.

kathyton: The Djin in the Wheel-6
Not sure fiary tales are my thing. But with that said I found the writing to be solid, and well along the style of a fiary tale. Would I read on? Yes. It was a pleasant read even though I have no idea where it is going.

Merlion-Emrys: Pilgrimage-7
I liked this. The first line though is my big nit. I would suggest: The submersible Contender sand deeper into the Mariana Trench... The reason for this is that it reads now, that Matt sank deeper in the Trench, but he is in the submersible. Anyways thats just my thought. No need for vehicle, I think submersible covers it. I like the feeling of the piece even though it seems it seems a little telling, but it feels right to me.

LAJD: A Beautiful Day for a Sail-5
Sorry. But for me this wasnt working. I don't think it was the first person. I normallly like first person. But for some reason this felt like too much for me. Again, sometimes reading/and enjoying it depends solely on the mood one is in. In other words it could just be me. I think the writing is sound, but I just don't feel the urge to go on.

AWSullivan: Club No. Five-6
This seemed a little too much for me as far as the way of setting the scene. Although at the same time I appreciated the time spent in bringing the scenario to life. A very descriptive style of writing. My nit here was the second line. If we are fully ingrained in the POV then, we don't need, I stared down. Suggest. A sea of sweat-soaked revelers writhed below.

Well thats it. Well done all. And keep up the good work.


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kathyton
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Tales: 8. Cute and breezy. It's hard not to continue reading.

Pilgrimage: 6. Compelling situation and implied jeopardy. Sentence one is rather info-dumpy, more tell than show.

Sail: 8. Great hook in that character is confronting an important problem. It makes the reader ask, "who is this guy? How'd he get in such a fix?" Punctuation needs a little attention.

Club: 8. Hard not to look at this amazing spectacle and read on. It does seem like his perceptions might be even trippier.


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AWSullivan
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Tales From Altarra: Eviction Notice - 7

It's probably just me but it would take a bit for me to get into a story about dragons that aren't fire breathing and burninating the countryside. I would read a bit further though.

The Djin in the Wheel by Kathyton - 6

The Fairy tale idea is fun but I don't get the light prose feeling of a fairy tale. I think you probably need to break this into two paragraphs, not because there is something technically wrong with your structure but rather because it's typically a good idea to start a short with a brief first paragraph.

Pilgrimage by Merlion-Emrys - 7

I'm intrigued by where you are going with this. The opening sentence seems passive.

A Beautiful Day for a Sail by LAJD - 6

It seems a little early for a break in the story, especially a flashback. That seems what you are leading up to. I thought the writing could use some tightening. Some passive prose in there.

I'll read everyone this month. Send your stories over.

~Anthony


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Merlion-Emrys
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Tales from Altarra snapper

Story overall-6


1 character development-7
2 plot-5
3 satisfactory ending-5
4 milieu-7
5 willing suspension of disbelief-6
6 unique/never been done before-7
7 writing style-7
8 dialogue -- 6
9 action There wasn't really any to rate
10 understandable ("I get it") – 6

Now I will preface this again by saying I dont really care for comedy, and I only know the basics of its methods.
That being said, while a few of the puns were relatively funny, I didn't feel like there was much of a final punchline...we pretty much expected what happened to happen. Wulf's feeble attempts at firelessly expelling the unicorns were quite limited, and the purpose of the hot dogs etc escaped me...and then the "puncline" I suppose was him burning up the valley, but that had already been spoken of as if it were an acceptable option.

I think the idea has potential but just needs further work to make it really operate comedically.


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snapper
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Thanks Merlion,

I appreciate the time you took to review it.


Kathyton, you are welcome to send yours to me. And you to A W Sullivan, in case I didn't mention it in the email.


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kathyton
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pilgrimage

I like this much more than my remarks will probably indicate; I think the prose is solid, I like the Lovecraftian world, and Matt is an interesting, believable character. I do think the author need to go back and rethink the external conflict and what that implies about the narrative arc of the plot.
Story overall-5


1 character development-7
I think his motivation could be further refined. For example, being haunted/called by one big sea monster/old god for his whole life would be stronger than a diffuse vision of "something is out there" [ital] in a short story [ital]. A novel, movie, or TV series could support a more extentive array of freaky creatures.
2 plot-5 My writing teacher would call this a "brain in a room" story. Someone's thoughts comprise most of the narrative, which it makes it very difficult to reveal the story through scene, as opposed to exposition. Can you introduce conflict by having Matt confront and solve a specific problem during the course of the story -- for example, he's in the sub with someone else, who refuses to go deeper, so then he hijacks the sub?

3 satisfactory ending-9
The author did a good job of sowing the seeds for Matt's eventual reaction to his dismise.

4 milieu-7
the undersea world of monsters is great
5 willing suspension of disbelief-7

6 unique/never been done before-?
I don't know (but I suspect it has. Not very important, if you bring your unique perspective to the "call of the old gods" theme.

7 writing style-7
8 dialogue -- 3
because the story lacks dialogue. Talking to a companion (a robot? a dog?), or even the ship, would help
9 action There wasn't really any to rate
10 understandable ("I get it") – 8


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snapper
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A Beautiful Day for a Sail

Story overall-6

1 character development-5
2 plot-5
3 satisfactory ending-4
4 milieu-7
5 willing suspension of disbelief-5
6 unique/never been done before-7 (can’t say I’ve never seen one like it, but a mermaid and a stranded sailor sounds awful familiar.)
7 writing style-7
8 dialogue – incomplete (so little of it to grade)
9 action 4 (action was minimal)
10 understandable ("I get it") – 5

This story and moral (if there was one) was lost on me. Yes, I know the MC is in a capsized boat, but I would have liked if it I knew the lake called to him (or her) and I would have liked to see him wreck. I think that would have helped. I was quite dissatisfied with the ending, but that could be just me.
In short, there were too many questions left unanswered for me to enjoy this. Good luck with it!


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snapper
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Pilgrimage

Story overall-5

1 character development-6
2 plot-5
3 satisfactory ending-5
4 milieu-7
5 willing suspension of disbelief-7
6 unique/never been done before-7
7 writing style-7
8 dialogue – incomplete (so little of it to grade)
9 action 8
10 understandable ("I get it") – 3


I thought there were two important things missing from this story; a beginning and an ending. After discussing it with Justin, I can see his reasoning for the ending. Okay, it works but it isn't one for me. The beginning however I felt started to late into the story. I think if the MC is shown stealing the sub, it would help a lot. The conflict would be clearer and the hook would be sharper, and I think it would be easier to fix the other issue I had with it.
I think the action (which was done well) should be worked into the prose better. We have a paragraph of the MC's thoughts, then a paragraph of things happening. I feel that the story would be more compelling if things happened while the MC recollected his dreams and past. It would make the relation between them stronger.
Just an idea.


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AWSullivan
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Pilgrimage by Merlion Emrys

Story overall-6

1 character development - 6
I think we get to know the MC a fair bit but I feel like something is being withheld. You even mention at one opint that Matt knows that he isn't there to prove the existnce of these creatures, but has some other agenda.

2 plot - 5
There isn't much plot in this story really. The MC plummets and finds a bunch of stuff.

3 satisfactory ending - 3
I didn't find the ending very satisfying.

4 milieu - 7
I felt like I understaood the environment and surroundings pretty well.

5 willing suspension of disbelief - 5
There wasn't a lot to disbelieve but the 'calling' that Matt felt has a supernatural feel that is never really explained.

6 unique/never been done before - 6
It felt very much like the last scene in _The Abyss_ at many parts but its unique enough.

7 writing style - 7
The only fault I could find with the writing is that there is a fair bit of telling throughout the story, mainly the beginning. This is usually a sign that the story did not start at the right place or too much exposition.

8 dialogue – NA
I'm not sure there was any.

9 action - 6
The only action was the breif encounter with a creature right before the end. It was handled well enough though I didn't get a solid image of what the creature was.

10 understandable ("I get it") – 6
As I mentioned above. The 'calling' that Matt felt wasn't explained really but otherwise I got it.


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AWSullivan
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Tales from Altarra: Eviction Notice by snapper

Story overall - 7

1 character development - 5
This was a fairly toungue-in-cheek story and there was very little character dept as a result.

2 plot - 5
The plot was weak to nonexistent. There is a hint of conflict with the unicorns but hta was quickly resolved.

3 satisfactory ending - 6
I saw the ending coming although the play on words was amusing.

4 milieu - 6
Typical peaceful valley. Not a lot of detail. Easy to imagine though.

5 willing suspension of disbelief - 8
In a fantasy piece like this one, disbelief is hard to imagine.

6 unique/never been done before - 8
I've read quirky fantasy pieces before but never anything quite like this.

7 writing style - 8
The writing was tip-top as always.

8 dialogue – 7
The dialogue was well done and entertaining.

9 action - 7
THe action was fine.

10 understandable ("I get it") – 8
Not much to get really. It's fantasy.


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TaleSpinner
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A Beautiful Day for a Sail by LAJD

Story overall: 5

I almost liked this story for its feel of mystery and the apparent care of the ... mermaid? ... sea creature, anyhow, for the incompetent and later curious human.

I don't want to insist that every story has a plot that fits writerly rules, and somewhere I wonder if inside this piece there's a story of discovery or wonder at the way of life of another.

For me it was let down by leaving too many issues unresolved, by a writing style that wanders between attractive and unspecific, and a passive MC.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 4

I would like to see more of MC, a more active MC, and to meet the sea creature more.

plot -- 4

I'd like more resolution even if there has to be mystery at the end.

satisfactory ending -- 4

Because of plot

milieu -- 6

I think with stronger writing the milieu will be clear.

willing suspension of disbelief -- 5

This was low for me at the start because of the early morning sail stuff. It picked up when the sea creature arrived--she (he?) was quite believable. I doubt you need the excuse of the early morning sail--MC is a sailor who needs no excuse to be sailing, but does need a rationale for being unable to save himself (herself?)and for being so passive.

unique/never been done before -- 6

I've seen mythical sea creatures in F&SF before but that doesn't mean there's no room for more.

writing style -- 6

It's mostly fine but I could not visualize things like:

I felt the water move thickly on the other side of the boat
She bubbled
I said soundlessly

I would suggest being specific about what MC is experiencing.

dialogue -- 6

Okay but the sea creature seems to have rather human body language.

action -- 6

I sometimes had difficulty establishing who was where, and whether they were on the surface or under water. Maybe this was a deliberate ploy to add to our sense of puzzlement but for me it worked the wrong way.

understandable ("I get it") -- 7

While I get it, there's not quite enough to make me go "Yeah--cool."

------------------------------------------

Pilgrimage by Merlion Emrys

Story overall: 6

As you know, Merlion, our tastes are quite different. I scored it 6 because I don't think it's ready for the markets that I read. I might be wrong of course (you know more about Lovecraft than I do) and of course maybe there are markets for this material that I don't read.

As usual, I think your imagery is strong and, when it happens, action with vivid characters is gripping.

I'd have liked more angler-fish moments to root us in MC's here and now, which was mostly overpowered by his history and reminiscing--which, you'll not be surprised to know, I'd have preferred to see than hear about, for it would have been more immediate.

I liked his timing the lights with the music and my attention was held more by the undersea images than his history.

Ultimately, though, I was disappointed because MC is but a passenger. He seems like a teenager content to sulk, to die vidicated but with nobody knowing his truth, having changed neither his circumstances nor the world. And I could see no motivation for the creatures--why pick on MC, and MC alone? (Or is this a metaphor for hidden demons? If so, sorry, I'm too dense for it.)

Story characteristics:

character development -- 4

Too passive--the only thing he did that I liked was to steal the ship, and we missed it.

plot -- 4
satisfactory ending -- 4

milieu -- 8

Great images

willing suspension of disbelief -- 6
8 for the milieu, 4 for the character, average = 6

unique/never been done before -- 7

Your style is unique, certainly.

writing style -- 7

A bit flowery in places for my taste, but not a big barrier I think.

dialogue --
No dialoge in this story

action -- 7

When you do action, it's fine.

understandable ("I get it") -- 4

I was left with a "what next?" kinda feeling.

----------------------------------------------------

Tales from Altarra Eviction Notice by snapper

Story overall: 6

I liked the puns, the sense of humour and the juxtaposition of modern and mythical ways.

The ending was disappointing because while the original problem was resolved, Wulf paid no price--or at least, none that we saw. Had Snith deceived Wulf with another pun, so that both lost--now that would have been a satisfying ending.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 7

I see the characters well enough--not deep, but for this story they don't need to be.

plot -- 7

I like the premise--dragon has to clear valley of unicorns.

satisfactory ending -- 4

I think this needs the most work.

milieu -- 6

A little generic--understandable when the idea is humour, but it would be more fun with even more colour, smell and texture.

willing suspension of disbelief -- 8

No problem.

unique/never been done before -- 6

I don't read much fantasy but I do know that comic fantasy has been done before--and that means that new stuff has to be really, really good, I think.

writing style -- 6

It's clear but could deliver more with fewer words. It sometimes feels like you tell us things twice in case we missed it the first time.

For example, "Before Wulf could answer that insult "--don't need the last two words. And "Palsy said to the excited younglings" could simply be "Palsy said."

dialogue -- 8
action -- 7
understandable ("I get it") -- 8

---------------------------------------------

The Djin in the Wheel by kathyton

Story overall: 8

I enjoyed "Djin in the Wheel", for its simple style, classical story telling and for the way it kept me in the story with a consistent, colourful milieu and characters.

I wondered whether I wanted to read a story of three wrong turns and, I hoped, an eventual happy ending, and thought that perhaps a stronger hook would keep the reader engaged--but maybe there's a market out there for this story as it is.

I thought that a hint of the djin's existence might have been nice, then realized it was staring me in the face in the title--duh! It made me smile, and stories that do that are winners for me.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 9

I see them very clearly.

plot -- 8

The only thing I did not understand was, given the self-declared wisdom of the djin, how'd he lose the bet? And what was the bet?

satisfactory ending -- 9

milieu -- 9

I liked the colours and textures.

willing suspension of disbelief -- 7

For some reason I accepted the wheel talking to him--I think I thought it was talking only in his mind--so the sudden appearance of the coin reduced my belief for a while.

unique/never been done before -- 8

I think it's a classical structure for a morality tale but they're all too rare in today's material world, which makes 'em kinda unique.

writing style -- 9

Love it.

dialogue -- 9

I thought the dialogue was in keeping with the style of the story and its milieu.

action -- 7

No action to speak of but what there is, is fine.

understandable ("I get it") -- 9

I hope this helps everyone,
Pat

P.S. Interesting, entertaining set of stories this month. Each one left me with images and feelings that returned to me after putting the story down; each one had clearly been worked on and not just tossed out in first draft. I hope we'll continue or better this standard over the coming months ...


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snapper
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Djin in the Wheel

Overall - 7

1 character development-7
2 plot-7
3 satisfactory ending-6 (it seemed a bit bland for my taste)
4 milieu-6 (muddy hut, a market square, okay but not exciting)
5 willing suspension of disbelief-6
6 unique/never been done before-5 (felt like I was reading one of Aesop's fables)
7 writing style-7
8 dialogue – 6
9 action 6
10 understandable ("I get it") – 8

This is a fable. Short choppy scenes without a lot of atmosphere, but has a conflict and a moral at the end. Fable all the way. It was done well as a fable, a little cutting while the MC shopped for the dress would probably help for this type of piece. I don't know where you could market it, try the youth market (they pay really well)

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 26, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 26, 2008).]


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snapper
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Club No. Five

Overall - 7

1 character development-7
2 plot-7
3 satisfactory ending-7
4 milieu-6
5 willing suspension of disbelief-6
6 unique/never been done before- 8 (I find AW's ideas very original and what he chooses to focus on original as well)
7 writing style-7
8 dialogue – 7
9 action 6
10 understandable ("I get it") – 7

I liked a lot about this but feels there is a lot of room for improvement. A new opening, more of a backstory, less of telling, more explanation on how the virus works. With the cutting and adding that I think it needs the word count would be about the same size. Nevertheless, I think AW has the tools that a successful writer needs. Although I have never recommended one of his pieces were 'ready' for market, I think he is one of the writers that is closest to making the leap on hatrack.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 26, 2008).]


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TaleSpinner
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Club No. Five AW Sullivan

I like the idea of a computer-like virus that has a hallucinogenic effect on people, and the idea of terrorists riding through the club’s firewall like some kind of Trojan attack. I also like how we see a colourful fusion of reality and virus-induced hallucination, never quite being sure which is which.

For me the main area to improve in this story is the people. The terrorists need to be terrifying, and to be more than cliche. MC struck me as rather wimpy and I was not much inclined to keep company with him; I wondered why Geri bothered with him, and why she didn’t just cozy up to the nearest college athlete when the bad guys arrived.

There was no tension for me in the story. It’s first person, so we know MC survives; and it didn’t feel like the kind of story where Geri would die—would have been a disappointing ending if she did. It was a sequence of events: none of the characters faced any real choices; there was nobody to root for, no Big Idea to hope for, because it was clear MC would find a way through.

While I liked the virus technology and how narrator did not dwell too much on the technical details (How’d he work on the virus, for example? I wondered but I’m not sure it matters that we’re not told how he modifies code without a keyboard—I liked how it appeared normal to him to be able to do it without explaining how.) I did find the technical details of how he fought he virus rather like today’s technology. I’d suggest futurizing it, maybe making something of the brain-computer interfaces, perhaps with neuro-digital signatures or synchro-synaptic axion bypasses or something.

There’s an interesting concept and a good story here. Good luck with it.

Overall -- 5
1 character development -- 4
2 plot -- 5
3 satisfactory ending -- 4
4 milieu -- 7
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 7
6 unique/never been done before -- 8
7 writing style -- 5
8 dialogue -- 5
9 action -- 5
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 8

Hope this helps,
Pat


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LAJD
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Tales from Alterra

Story overall-- 7
Story characteristics:
1 character development--
 7- even though the characters are lightly drawn. Its sufficient for the story. The only issue is that I would have expected there to be further character development after Wulf’s failure.
2 plot— 7 --Just found the ending to be a bit unsatisfactory.
3 satisfactory ending--
 5 I think with a few tweaks this could be good. Wulf needs to pay a price.
4 milieu--
 8 - I like your world, it reminds me of Shrek’s.
5 willing suspension of disbelief--
7
6 unique/never been done before--
 7 I’ve not read anything like this, but then I do not read a lot of dragon fantasy.
7 writing style--
7
8 dialogue--
 5 The writing feels a bit stilted, some of that is good for effect but too much makes it harder to read.
9 action-- 7

10 understandable ("I get it")-- 8

I will send my commented file in email.
Leslie


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Merlion-Emrys
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Djinn in the Wheel kathyton


Overall -- 8
1 character development -- 8
2 plot -- 7
3 satisfactory ending -- 6
4 milieu -- 7
5 willing suspension of disbelief -- 8
6 unique/never been done before -- I dont really care for this catagory...
7 writing style -- 8
8 dialogue -- 7
9 action -- Wasn't any to speak of
10 understandable ("I get it") -- 6


Really the only problem I have with this is that at the end, I wasn't sure exactly what had happened or what the "moral" was. I have a pretty good idea,(I assume it had something to do with material things versus emotions) but I think the nature of the Djinn's bet, and occurences like the tree appearing by the window need to be more fully explained and contextualized.


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