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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Writing Challenges » Finish my Intro (ENTRIES) (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Finish my Intro (ENTRIES)
Devnal
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First: Entry Two - I really liked the set up of the scene and the different aspects of it surrounding the haracters. Bee-bots, the earth covered in nuclear fires, supersweet. I like the irony of the last sentence of Tomasino, though it does seem to be a bit cliche-y i felt it fit.

Second: Entry 6

I feel this sets up like a scene from Star Ship Troopers! (and not in a bad- lets make a sequel- kind of way). Good action, kept me reading. "hog sized boulder"?? lol .

Third: Entry 9

I like the story here. You also do a good job of passing off a lot of information without bogging me down. I know whats going on and what the mission (for the moment at least) is.


Thanks for the reading guys! lots of great entries!


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skadder
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You have7 hours until I close voting. I think we have two more voters to go (according to my calculations). If they fail to vote then any votes the garnered will cascade down to the person voted below them. So if they got a first place vote then the 5 points will go to who ever came second, and who evercame third would then get 4 points for coming second. Third place would dissapear.

See the rules if unsure.

Adam


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shimiqua
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Sorry peeps, I forgot I did this.

My thoughts:
2: A whole lot of strange words. I'm not really sure where or what is happening. The line repeating "the here to kill me" gave it great impact. I'd keep reading, but hopeful would find out what's going on soon.

3: Nice. The casino night threw me a bit. It seems a bit too human a thought.

4:I love this one. I love that the plants talk to her and they are her friends. I would keep reading.

5: The beginning feels a bit to choppy for me, but I liked the use of the pearls of red, and making the garden sacred. Also I had to reread the line but the death, about three times to fully understand what it was you were saying.

6: Rock trolls. Awesome. Head like a melon pulled me out, but otherwise an interesting thirteen.

7:I'm really confused. What is it she is hunting specifically, and why does noise mean nothing? Too many questions too soon, and not enough answers before you delved into the description.

8: Not my best work. I would join twlinz in withdrawing it, except I was to late in remembering I actually wrote this. Still an interesting idea, though I would do it completely different today.

9:The danger room of gardens. Nice. The presepective seems kind of far though, like I'm watching Jasal, not living through her.

10: Did he mean to do that? Some clue to his attitude would make this story more interesting, either way.

11: You did a really good job with just the right amount of discriptions so that I can really see whats happening. I love the cabbages and beet greens. And the garden gnombes are cool, but they dont really seem like a threat.

12:Interesting infodump. The idea has merit.

13:I'm noticing the words here, not the story. I love the line, "The paragon towered..." Interesting.

14:The skill of the writing here is amung the best I've seen. I loved the too gnarled to be so young. Hook in itself. My issue is that I don't really know anything about who Jasal is, also the line "Sanguine droplets..." seems to have no purpose beyond using sanguine and octagonal in a sentance. I would personally drop it and get to the action quicker. I get that Jasal has anxiety, though I'm not sure why he is there, and if the place is so horrible what compels him to continue forward.

15: This reads like a synopsis. Why does she know all this? Could you maybe let her find out when the reader does? It would read stronger If she was hearing the order that she and everyone was going to die, as opposed to waiting for someone to tell her what she already knows.

16: Love it. Clear idea of who this is, and what is going on and a great hook in the "She was begining to doubt that he..." Brilliant.

17 id he abuse her? How did she get these bruises? I'm kind of confused as to what's going on.

My votes,

1: #16
2: #4
3: #6.

Thanks everyone for your insight.
~Sheena


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InarticulateBabbler
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Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

Since the goal was to get readers to turn the page, I feel I've accomplished that...and Sheena asked the questions I wanted...questions that the story would have answered.

I employed David Farland's tactics of using genre-familiarizing words to move the story forward and give a sense of genre--which was never mistaken. It's interesting to see that those words (moonlight stabbed; stench of decay; corpse's fingers; sanguine droplets seeped up through the cracks; crimson tears; too gnarled to be so young; demon's eyelids; dark lover) were the most remembered, as well as made people the most uncomfortable. That, again, was the desired effect.

For me, this was an experiment. Now the question I'd like each one of you to answer is this: Do you normally pick up horror novels?

I have a feeling I know the answer to this.


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tnwilz
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#2 I felt the use of the opening line was a little forced which is ironic since Adam thought of it. I guess that proves it wasn't staged, haha. I liked the opening but it was maybe slightly melodramatic. I'm actually a big fan of Adams work and I'm confident that he could have spun this into an entertaining story.

#3 Excellent use of the opening line. The genre was a little obscure after initially seeming to be YA fiction. I got lost on the last line and confusion killed the hook. The opening has possibilities.

#4 Good use of the opening line. Cute if not unique entry. Didn't really have a hook.

#5 Good use of the opening line. Good imagination from this writer but the flow of the writing isn't there yet. Decent hook.

#6 Good use of opening line. I think I would merge the first two sentences. A LOTR sort of thing, not badly done. Decent hook.

#7 Good use of opening line. I would blend first two sentences to reinforce meaning. Flow of writing could be smoother. Highly imaginative story-line. Great hook.

#8 The first entry to remove the contraction in the opening line which I agree with. Good use of the slightly altered opening line. A bit too confusing to effectively hook. Writing needs tightening.

#9 The opening line didn't seem connected to the story in any obvious way. Highly imaginative with a lot of back-story packed into 13 lines. It hints at a very internal voice, using word "Yep". Could be interesting if an entire story was written in this voice. Good hook and story has clear direction.

#10 Opening contraction was removed so I like that but the line didn't connect well with the story for me. Actually you can remove it and little changes. "Where," was supposed to be "were," I believe. Wow, a rather grim, action filled start. I think most would read on so a good hook with good writing.

#11 Good use of first line. This one is so unusual in its approach that, in total it forms a great hook. Writing is skilled.

#12 Excellent use of first line. Professional level of writing and richly imaginative. Good hook. Wouldn't be everyones taste but nothing is.

#13 Contraction removed, I approve. Good use of opening line. This is a complicated start that is intriguing but would probably take a few rewrites to get the meaning and flow down. It's too confusing in one read to be hooked because there is too many questions. I think I made the same mistake with mine.

#14 Excellent application of opening line. You're very good at this sort of thing. There is sometimes a fine line between pretentious writing and brilliantly descriptive writing. Different people would perceive it differently. This would be right at home in Analog but possibly rejected at WOTF. For me the hook is good.

#15 Good use of opening line but doesn't quite fit the sentence. You managed to outline the conflict and quest in 13 lines - impressive. The flow hiccups slightly in the middle. The hook is the best of the bunch.

#16 Excellent use of opening line. Good writing but not too much of a hook for me. I'd give it a page though so I would read on - so its good enough. Interesting idea.

#17 Good use of opening line. The opening isn't clear and doesn't stand in 13 lines. Clearly you had a complex and clever story idea that couldn't be conveyed in 13 lines. Good effort and good writing.

My choices are based on taste because it would be impossible to base it fairly on skill.

FIRST #2. What can I say, It's my kind of story.
Second #12. Professional quality of writing.
Third #14. Excellent word art, maybe a little thick.
HM #15. For achieving so much in 13 lines
Didn't dislike any of them.


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skadder
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Okay, the results are as follows (to sixth place, if you want more email and I will tell you):

First Place (and it's getting boring): snapper. (31)

Second Place: skadder (30)

Third Place: Talespinner (27)

Fourth Place: JustinArmstrong (24)

Fifth Place: InarticulateBabbler (19)

Sixth Place: Sixbells (17)

Well done everyone. I hope that this challenge was fun and educational. I will stick up another challenge in a month or so, but it will be entirely different from this exercise, so keep your eyes peeled.


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skadder
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quote:
I felt the use of the opening line was a little forced which is ironic since Adam thought of it.

Yeah, it crossed my mind when I wrote it that people may think I had something already prepared--I didn't. I wanted something that was open to interpretation and genre, as well as establish a little 'conflict' for people to work with.

I decided for a 'harsh twist' of the opening line for my own entry to ensure it was unprepared. I also thought most would choose fantasy and so I plumped for sci-fi to mix it up.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 10, 2009).]


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snapper
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Thank you everyone. I think I will print myself a nice award and put it on my wall.

Thanks for all the input. I really think that most of the submissions were better than mine. Good work everyone.


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Kaz
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Belated congratz from me. T'was fun.
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