Blackbird's Eyes

From the shuttle, the ship appeared to hang by invisible threads against the brilliantly speckled velvet of space. Pollet chortled to himself as he thought about the poker game at the station. It was like taking candy from a baby. His victim couldn't have done worse if he'd tried.

He didn't care if the old grizzled man cried when his cards came up short. The con was simple, clean, and foolproof. Pollet won every time. This was the first time he'd ever won a ship and he was filled with triumph.

The hold was as clean as an Urbonian whistle. Everything was in great shape. The old man did, indeed, run a tight ship. Pollet laughed until he noticed the foot-high statue of a black bird sitting above the engineering station.

Comments:

1.Creepy. So creepy. I wished for more at the beginning to show that the main character deserves what’s coming to him. A bit more characterization might take it out of the rhelm of flash, but I think would improve the story. Maybe start at the game, and show the con, and some hint that he shouldn’t con the old guy. Good though. A solid story.

2.Swindler wins a space ship in a poker game. The ship’s only inhabitant is a creepy blackbird statue. Intriguing idea but the prose needs work. I believe Pollut gave up too easily. Ending falls flat.

3.There are a few rough spots where you used way to many simple sentences in a row. Other than that the prose flowed nicely enough. The story is missing some suspense that should be there. With a revision or two it should be easy to fix. The ending didn't work for me. I think it would be better if the bird killed him, then the owner came and said something cool. With a revision or two to raise the suspense, remove filter words like heard, felt, saw, etc, this story could be really good.

4. Con man wins a spaceship in a card game. Not my favourite idea. I began to like the idea as the con man began dealing with bird. I keep wondering what is going to happen next, what exactly is the bird going to do? Why does it keep moving? I don’t like how Pollet gives in to the former ship owner and hands over all his money as well. It seems too easy. Maybe if the former owner stops the bird from attacking Pollet and threatens to let him loose on him if he doesn’t hand over the credits this would be more believable. I do like the ending, con man has been conned, is stuck on another crow ship.

5. This was well-written and it was a good amount of action for flash fiction.

6. I didn't get why the bird's movements were supposedly so creepy. I would think that if they had spaceships, they would have robots capable of such strength and movement. I would also have thought he would have spent more time worrying about the ship and less about a statue. Maybe add some other way in which the bird is creepy, or an actual threat to his life?

7. Some sentence structure and word choice issues made it a little rough. The ending came a little soon for it to feel complete. I think this deserves a longer story if you can fix the prose. I like the Poe-esque idea of it and its worth expanding.

8. This had a good 1st 13, with a great opening sentence. The beginning had strong characterization, and the author did a good job of portraying the MC’s frustration and growing anxiety. There were some technical problems, such as when “the statue changed positions directly in front of him” but actually had done so when he wasn’t looking. There were also several sentences in the middle of the story that all began with participle (-ing words) phrases. There was some good imagery, but the story seemed to rely a little too heavily on narration and the MC lost a lot of his personality in the process.

9. It had some rough sentences. I like the way Pollet feels/thinks about his scam. I don’t know how I feel about the end. The old man got his ship back, so why bother to kill Pollet? I guess there isn’t enough characterization of the old man for me to understand his motivations.

10.Good use of futuristic technology, although some word choices are cliché (holo-display, credits). Good building of tension as the bird gets progressively spookier. POV was distant at times—I would have liked to be further in Pollet’s head. I liked how he kept trying different strategies. When I read, “The edges of the bucket were welded to the floor plates,” I thought Huh, how did that happen? There are grammatical/punctuation errors that I found distracting.

11. The only complaint I have is that I want answers. I want to know the deal with the guy and the bird statues.

12. I was properly horrified. I like that it was all a plot on the part of the original owner. The ending left me wondering too much, though.

Safe

On the tenth night, I wailed in the ash house until my throat was hoarse. I followed the ritual as if it was true, but it was not. My children were not dead.

In the morning, the diviner Busara waited for me outside. “The jungle drinks your grief and he is satisfied. Your children belong to him now,” he pointed to the endless jungle.

I tried to keep the smile from my lips. “They are his now.” I matched his solemn tone.

He left me there.

#

Kishindo stood outside the low, hollow tree that was our home. He covered his eyes as I approached. “I don’t see you, woman. I have no children, and now I have no wife.”

Comments:

1. I expected a bit more melancholy on the part of the mother. It seems that her husband knew exactly what was going on, yet she didn't. Creepy, as intended.

2. Mother sends her children to the jungle to protect them from their father (?)
I guess I never really understood what was going on in this story. Didn’t understand what the danger was or what happened to the children (or what they became).

3. Personal nit. I don’t think the # were needed. I would rather see one sentence about walking home than a break. It stops the story. This story is great. I like the use of magic, I like how you don’t reveal if the children are alive until you show the mother killing her own children. To me, as a mother the subject matter is off putting and a bit uncomfortable, but the writing is solid. Really good. Well done.

4. The sentence structures and flow was fine, but for some reason, I can't place my finger on it, the story was a tad hard to follow. The mother talks a bit formal, which makes her seem foreign to me. This might be the effect you were going for, though.

5. I really liked the setting and the story in the beginning, but I was disappointed in the ending. I Good characterization too.

6. My first impression from the first 13 is that the mother had made it look like the children had been killed by the forest in order to escape her family/village, but they were not dead. I wondered what the mother would have done for the husband to disavow her. As I read on, it was disturbing to learn that she had in fact killed them. Excellent writing though, I am submersed until the end. I am left wondering what the shadow mother is and if this is some different kind of death, or if the mother is crazy or what. Also, did the father know she had killed the children? Well told in 1000 words, went in a different direction than I first expected.

7.Good idea, good atmosphere. However, I felt cheated at the ending. After being assured that the children weren't dead, they were. And then I didn't feel that the mother's situation was so desperate as to kill them all. I wanted something more, another hint of the supernatural. Still enjoyed it though.

8. I really enjoyed it. The back and forth in time threw me for a loop the first time. It could be clearer when you return from the flashback to the present. I caught on to the end shortly before she reached the pool, but it still had good impact. It stayed with me.

9. This story had a very good 1st 13 and made great use of voice. It also made good use of foreshadowing and repetition. It suffered from some minor technical flaws, such as needing the subjective tense in the second sentence and later having two different speakers give dialogue in the same paragraph. This story also had good use of imagery, such as the “fishes” and the “ruby eyes”, but I did not understand the need for their blood or their obsidian blades – I believe the explanation was there earlier, but I didn’t understand the sequence. It had a good ending, but it was somewhat of a downer.

10. This is so sad, I thought I’d cry. Kishindo seemed like a very sympathetic character in the first thirteen, so I was disappointed to learn otherwise. There is a beautiful, lyrical quality to the writing that appeals to me. The setting was well done, how it is so integral to their life. I don’t like that I didn’t understand what the ruby glows were (not really), and that their ongoing life was not really confirmed/explained. I don’t like them all being dead! I have very mixed feelings about this piece. The most poignant/disturbing moment was when she drowned her children. Wah!

11. I almost feel like I’ve read this story before. Not really in a bad way, but I feel like the theme is a little overdone. Very well written, and I would actually like to read an expanded version to see where it goes. I’m curious to see what the author could do to set it apart!

12. Writing and images were clear, though it took a while to identify the MC in all her roles. The ending is unsettling and well foreshadowed.

Shipping Magnate

Russ Atalin climbed aboard his personal spaceship, the Ruby Eyes. Some called his travel habits paranoia; he called them prudence.
The crew were new to this assignment. They’d apparently flown his freighters for years, and their faultless backgrounds checked out. What were their names? Oh, yes… Pete and Britney.

“Ready for takeoff anytime, sir,” said Pete.

“Just do it.”

“Anything we can get you?” asked Britney.

“No. Keep the telecom turned on and see that I’m not disturbed.”

Russ unlocked and entered the spacious owner’s cabin. Ensconced behind a bulwark of titanium, he surveyed the unique chamber. A closet held the dedicated air scrubbers and oxygen bottles. His cache of ready-to-eat food, the water tank and hanging spacesuit

Comments:

1. This story was not for me. You just put way too much in the story. Three POV’s in a flash? Every trigger? There is only a thousand words, How can I connect to any character if you don’t spend enough time with them? That said there are some interesting things in the story, I liked how Britney kept saying perfect, not perfect. Interesting character trait, though it could get old quick. The story should be expanded to show more of the characters, and clarify the information. Right now, “What were their names? Oh, yes… Pete and Britney.”, seems to be the theme for the entire story.

2. Close but no cigar. I laughed when I realized Pete and Britney were on parallel missions. I liked Britney's affection of perfect/not perfect. This needs to be longer and more developed. As a flash, the end just didn't work for me. It was too abrupt and lacked the finesse a rewrite will bring.

3.The two-person crew aboard a shipping magnates spaceship each plan a murder. Didn’t like the ‘perfect’, ‘not perfect’ summarizations as the independent plans progressed. The twist ending did little for the story. I suggested expanding on this to make it work.

4.I expected a standoff at the ending. I'm not really sure what ended up happening. Maybe Pete and Britney bit the dust? I don't know. The story was good up until the last scene. It totally lost me.

5. I understood a lot more of this story on the second time round, and I think it has a lot of potential. It was just too much story for a flash fiction piece. My biggest complaint was that I didn’t understand how it ended. Did he die? He’s staring at the logo, so I don’t think he’s dead, and it seems like he could possibly still save himself—he’s got all the equipment in his room, and yet I still felt like your intent had been to kill him.

6. The phrase “What were their names? Oh, yes… Pete and Britney” in the first 13 put me off. Sounded forced, too much info dump. “Ruby eyes” as the ship’s name and “endless jungle transport” seems like cheap ways to fit in the prompts...There is no more explanation describing why they are called ruby eyes and endless jungle. “Corn Dance hauling” at least has an explanation for the name given at the end. This is a lot of story trying to fit in 1000 words. First Pete’s mission, then Britney’s mission, and then Russ at the end. One of these plots with one POV would have worked better for the flash purposes. To me, Britney’s POV read the best. I liked the idea, Intergalactic corporate espionage. This could work fleshed out into a much longer story.

7. Wow, there’s a lot going on here, and I’m not sure I could tell you half of it. The prose was clean enough, but it felt like a longer story crammed into flash length. Also thought the use of the prompts was trivial (mostly just naming things). I liked how we got several viewpoints of the same situation.

8. Honestly, I'm confused. I think this story could benefit from some expansion, to better explain the motivations of all the different characters and their alliances. And I have to say that the ending really came out of nowhere, with none of the plans of the characters coming into fruition.

9. This had an interesting structure and some original ideas. However, there were several flaws. The 3rd and 4th sentences needed a “but” or a “though” between them to make sense. The “What were their names?” sentence was very jarring and Pete and Britney, themselves, were a little annoying, especially at the beginning. The POV changes were confusing and too much for this length story. The comments at the end of paragraphs were unclear in their purpose. I also found the ending a little unclear in relation to all of the characters.

10. I liked the plot, with each of them attempting to kill the others. The many company names I found confusing; that many characters and companies was hard to keep straight. I liked how different Pete and Brittney were, and the “perfect/not perfect” thing. The ending was also confusing for me the first time through. It’s very abrupt.

11. This story has possibilities not fully realized. The most appealing part (in terms of the writing) is Russ’ business dealings. I like his (justified) paranoia. The first time I read this, I got quite confused about what was happening and who said/did/thought what. It was a little clearer the second time, but I’m lost about the significance of the hatch and hoist. Wouldn’t Russ have noticed when Britney tried to break in? The torpedo seemed to arrive with very little fanfare—it took me two tries to realize it is supposed to be a disaster. The repeated use of perfect/not perfect is annoying.

12. Comments: I have to admit I wasn’t too fond of this story. For such a short piece, there were too many counteracting story arcs, and it was a little hard to follow. The ending felt a little too abrupt to me, too. The writing was good, but I think this idea would be better suited to a longer version.

Razburies

His limbs were giving out. Physical exhaustion had finally beaten his body into submission and he had to stop and rest, no matter the danger. Andrew slumped down onto vine tangle, tossing his now blunt and almost useless machete at the enclosing thicket of vines. It bounced without slicing, but still managed to lodge in the dirt several feet away.

“Anny never said nothin bout no raspberry jungle that never ends,” Andrew muttered. “Follow the raspberry bushes to get to the Razburies all she said. Now I’ma out here in this raspberry jungle with no Com, no Anny, and still no Razburies anywheres.”

Head down, Andrew fumbled in his pack for forgotten survival supplies, muttering turned to cursing. Out of the vine tangle behind him ruby eyes flashed. A Razburie had found him.

Comments:

1. Cool dialogue, though I wondered why a Captain would talk that way, and why Anny didn’t speak even remotely like Andrew. I wish Andrew and Anny’s names weren’t so similar. It felt like fantasy until the end with the Captain of Colonization and the pistols. Good though over all.

2. The ending was too saccharine. The captain sees the error of his ways and, with stars in his eyes, realizes that love is the way to brotherhood with the Razburies. The story ended up with no bite. The potential conflict and tension just faded into a reddish mist. The razbury was an interesting creature. My suspension of disbelief was broken when they saw the Razbury civilization. This is a colony on a planet and aerial surveillance would have picked up the buildings, etc. The writing was fine.

3. Drew gets tricked into cutting his way into the raspberry jungle by a fellow colonist trying to bring peace between two species. A lot of the opening comes off as ‘As you know Bob…’ info-dump. MC comes off as a dope and the solution to the problem is too simple.

4. I don't have a whole lot to say on this one. The plant thing was describe well. I got a good visualization of what he looks like. I think the story should have focused more on the Rasburiez, or however it was spelled. I would have started the story with the conflict of the colony. That is give him reason to make the right choice.

5. Great dialogue in this story. I wasn’t quite sure about the ages of the characters. When I first started reading I thought they were much older than they seemed by the end. The prose is well written, but he was too easily convinced that all the previous action seems unnecessary.

6. The dialect made it seem like a comedy, but it didn’t turn out that way. Felt like a weird PSA about saving the Razburies, rather than a narrative of any kind. Couldn’t get into it, and then it ended abruptly. I liked the open, and wish the rest of the story was in that tone (funny, fanciful).

7. I like the idea of creatures living in a giant raspberry jungle. I did think that the Captain's about-face happened too quickly. Given that he was set up to be such a boor, I would have expected him to be more resistant to changing his ways. And how is it that the assumingly advanced technology of the colonizing civilization didn't detect these intricate agricultural fields and buildings? I'd think that in an open valley they'd be easily visible to planes or satellites.

8. This was very original; I liked the concept of the alien Razburry. I found the original fighting of the vines intriguing and would have liked to have seen more. The MC’s speech was slightly distracting, but became more so when it appeared inconsistent and he was discovered to be the “Captain of Colonization”. I didn’t see the need to use the characters’ formal names. There were some other inconsistencies, such as sitting on thorny seats (how big were the thorns?) and not knowing the Razburries were civilized. The ending kind of fizzled.

9. Nothing stood out as wrong, but I wasn’t as interested in this one. I like Andrew’s dialect, but it surprised me to learn he was the colony leader and not just a foot soldier. Are colony presidents allowed to wander off into the jungle? From the first 13 I expected Anny to be his superior officer. The ending seemed too easy; he changed his ways without much fight.

10. I like how smart and with-it Anny seems. The Razburies are interesting, described well. The story reads like close 3rd but there are POV violations that pulled me out. When I read “A Razburie had found him” I thought he was aware of it, but apparently not. Why the change in Anny’s name? It makes sense to use different names in speech and thought, but not different names in the same character’s thoughts. Andrew’s voice is distinctive (good), but not very believable for a leader or a partner for Anny (he sounds like an uneducated redneck). (I kept thinking of the old Annie and Andy rag dolls.)

11. Very good writing! I’d love to see this expanded and really learn about this world!

12. Though clearly written, I thought the voice of Andrew sounded crude and undereducated for someone with his title and apparent responsibility. Perhaps that was to explain the attitude Anny set out to correct. The result is that the ending came across as a hard sell for the moral.

Ruby’s First Kiss

On the day of Ruby’s birth, there was no celebration. Her father was dead, her mother wanted to eat her, and the public considered her an abomination. The media was in full swarm, recording the event with every means possible, while the sentient remnants of humanity gawked in voyeuristic horror.
Her mother was the only Z-Plague victim to ever give birth. This qualified as a medical miracle and the scientific community awaited the child with inquisitorial aplomb.
It was the blood-filled hue of the baby’s eyes that inspired her name. It was her placid disposition that ensured her survival. Otherwise, the child would have been splayed and dissected like a frog in a tenth grade science class. Instead of playing the frog, fate allowed her to play the role of the

Comments:

1. Ah. The title tells it all. I was worried there for a moment. The possibilities bloomed when the zombies were in the office and they listened to Ruby's instructions. Nice ending, although it became pretty predictable once Ruby took him in her arms. Nicely done. Needs a few tweaks before submitting, but I liked this.

2. Ruby is the only person to have a zombie mother. A compassionate boy aids her to escape her prison. This wasn’t a bad story. The second half got clunky. I liked it but would like it more if you double the length.

3. The first two sentences are brilliant. However there is way too much info dump. You are trying to put a novel worth of information in a flash. It’s a cool idea, interesting characters, WAY too much information, story, and idea for a flash. This story should be 5,000 words at least. You might be able to pull a novel out of this idea. Or else, you should trim, trim, trim, the extra information to keep it flash length.

4. Ah, great story. But did she really heal the world? Wouldn't they all have red eyes still, like her? But I guess they were sort of healed. What the story is lacking, IMO, is description of the zombies and their movements. Do they move with jerks or smoothly?

5. First sentences were a great hook. I generally think zombie stories are cliché, so I had a hard time believing the story. It read very well though as you detail Ruby and Sam’s interactions and escape from the room. Dr. Bentley’s comment that Sam let in the zombies is info dump. How does she know? This part skips along too fast, probably because too much is being packed into the 1000 words. So much more story could be told here. What makes Ruby different than the other zombies? What exactly are the other zombies and why do they listen to Ruby? I also like the last line, how Ruby’s kiss healed the world.

6. I really liked this story. It seems as though you could have cut out some of her watching television in order to make room for a bigger ending. That last paragraph is all telling instead of showing. Also, I wasn’t clear she had a special relationship with Sam early enough. Adding a sentence about how she feels when he walks into the room, or when he’s cleaning around her room would fix that. Nice job!

7. Great opening. As with most of these stories, I wish it had been longer. Without a slow burn, it’s tough to root for your MC escaping and having a normal life. The ending felt a little rushed. Prose was clean.

8. Interesting mix of zombie apocalypse and fairy tale. I think this one could benefit from expansion; I wanted to know more about the relationship between Sam and Ruby, how they met, how they got close. And I was confused when the Z-Plaguers appeared. Did Sam really set them free? And expand the moment when he doesn't die. Has he become like her, a partial zombie?
Finally, I think they would have tested her saliva early on, if she was really so thoroughly examined. One idea is that the change in her saliva was a result of puberty/growing up. So yeah, lots of interesting stuff to develop and explore.

9. The switch to Sam’s POV near the end threw me off, as did “pop” for the shooting sound. (Guns are loud.) I would have liked to see a little more of the end scene. Did the doctor get eaten? Do the zombies actually listen to Ruby? If so, what does she do with her newfound power? How do they escape?

10. Strong word choices and use of language. Very engaging story, effective backstory followed up with immediacy in Ruby’ POV. I cared about Ruby and cheered for her world at the end. Dr. Bently was perhaps a bit too one-sided, but it worked. Things that didn’t work: “violently approached”, the TV sound affects and “Click”, “very dead end”, “Pop”.

11. Intriguing! Loved it! Once I reached the ending, it was a little predictable, but I didn’t mind. It sort of kept me from wondering what the Z-plague was, since it’s been cured now.

12. I like how the relationship between Ruby and Sam was shown. I could almost believe that he set all the zombies loose as the diversion. The ending left me wondering if the doctor killed all the zombies. The extension from the kiss to saving the world was abrupt.

The Seekers

The night Maddie realized the fire demons were back, she thought she’d have a hard time getting to sleep. She was wrong—falling asleep was easy. Waking up was brutal. It felt like she was drowning in a river of mud, and she struggled for hours to break the surface. When she broke through, a fury she’d never felt before ripped through her. That was no relaxant Dad had injected her with. He had anesthetized her. The room lurched. “Mom?” Her voice sounded like a croak, so she wasn’t surprised there was no answer. She called again, more loudly this time. A wave of panic hit, and she rolled to the floor in the dark room, bringing a tangle of blankets with her. She had to find out if anyone was home.
Every second it took to crawl into her parent’s empty bedroom

Comments:

1. What’s with the italics? Interesting choice telling the story in an unlinear format. Interesting characters, right amount of story. I would have preferred the story with what came first coming first instead of flashbacks. Also There is a bit of confusion with if the seekers were bewitching her or not. But I liked it.

2. I was confused most of the time. The prologue was really the ending. The fire demon threat wasn't properly explained and I just didn't like the Seekers, but I never knew what their purpose was. How she met them. Other than excessive self-image, I didn't get the threat. The Seekers were bewitched? The parents had wards on their house? I didn't get enough information out of this to get a good handle until I began to pick up pieces at the end. I think the idea is good and worth of more work, but there are too many elements here to make the flash work.

3. Maddie is a girl used as bait to catch the Seekers.
Not even sure if that summary is correct. In fact, I’m not at all sure what the story was about at all. Too much telling made the prose jarring.

4. I liked this story and the voice, but I didn't really get the ending. It has places of subtle humour that I liked as well. To me the ending is the most important part of a story. It is why everyone else was written. The ending didn't seem complete.

5.Wow. I reread it in order to get the order straight. Tony and Mark are the seekers. They save her from the fire demon only to have her parents not believe her, drug her in order to capture the seekers as they return to rescue her from the fire demons. I think. My opinion is it is too choppy, too much plot for the flash purposes. I was also thrown off when she was talking with Tony and then Mark was introduced. I pictured it being a one-on-one conversation only to find out another person, Mark, was standing right there. Idea could work for a flash if reordered, maybe just one seeker (Tony). Main points to focus on: Tony as a seeker defeating the fire demons, her parents angry at Tony instead of demon, and wrongful punishment of Tony at the end. Otherwise needs to be fleshed out into a longer story.

6. I’m certain that I couldn’t give a coherent summary of this story. The prose felt like a summary--all tell, no show. Confusion was probably my overwhelming emotion. The idea of the demons and seekers seems interesting.

7. The scenes could use a bit of clarification, but that's easy to fix; the transition between the last two scenes was the most jarring. And the beginning could use a little clarification; as written, it seems at first that she's feeling betrayed by her parents or the Seekers, rather than guilt at betraying them. Overall, though, I really enjoyed it.

8. This had a great opening, except for the italics. However, I quickly became confused as to who or what the Seekers and fire demons were. Though I realized Tony and Mark were “Seekers”, I did not know anything about them or where they had come from. I had a hard time believing that the father, who I suppose was a doctor, would drug his daughter and leave her alone at home. I would have been more interested in seeing the battle with the fire demons. I also didn’t understand why Tony and Mark were suspected to be in jail.

9. I really enjoyed this, but I want more! The ending was not at all satisfying. It felt like a snippet of a larger work.

10. This piece has a very strong start, but the rest is not quite the same calibre. What are Seekers? That should be explained when that term is introduced. Why capture seekers instead of fire-demons? (A less important question is what’s a fire-demon, because I get that they’re bad news.) How did they save her, and who/how did she destroy? Tony and Mark are seekers, right? Did she know them before they saved her? Also I got confused about the sequence of events. I have a feeling you are very close, but I’m just not following it all yet. Aside from the confusion factor, the writing is excellent. Maddy is well-defined, and Tony and Mark are drawn well enough.

11. This was really great! Good writing and a very cool idea!

12. The part in italics had some internal thoughts, but was more narrative action. I understood her interactions with the seekers and some about her parents. The story wasn’t ended because neither her parents nor the seekers are resolved.

Beneath Shadow

When Mila tripped, she instinctively put her hands out to catch herself. But instead of bruising her palms on the cement, she fell straight into shadow, passing through the sidewalk as if it were air. Before she could cry out, she hit solid ground.
Mila pushed off her backpack and got slowly to her feet, gasping with the pain in her side. She looked wildly around her at the wide gray expanse, the floor the same dark glass as the ceiling. The snake had warned her of this, its ruby eyes glittering disdainfully at her, before she'd ripped open its skin to piece the obsidian of its bones into the knife. She had known all along that she would be trapped, but still the panic overtook her. The cuts on her hands ached and bled anew as she beat her fists wildly against the underside of the street.

Comment:

1. Very interesting concept. I had a bit of difficulty figuring out the concept of the shadow and couldn't quite grasp it. Well written. A couple of typos to fix (place for piece). I think this was written in a very marketable style. Good job.

2. Mila falls through a shadow and into a room where she fights a creature that feeds off happiness.Nice idea. I did like the trap she fell into. However, the story didn’t have a satisfying end and seemed to trail off a bit. Still not a bad entry.

3. The first thirteen is a complete story. You have character villain and outcome; it is a great case of a micro fiction. The problem with this flash, is that everything necessary and interesting about the story is revealed succinctly and well in the first thirteen. I think it would be better if the first thirteen were the last thirteen, and if you showed us the snake and the choice rather than told us as Mila faces the consequences.

4. I had a hard time getting into this one but not sure why. I think because it starts out with a lady fighting a snake, and I don't get a chance to know her at all. I don't know really why she was there in the first place. By the end it is sort of hinted at, I think.

5. I thought this piece was great, and there wasn’t much I didn’t like about it. Perhaps it starts too abruptly, and I would like more explanation about what the dust was. Great work.

6. : I’m confused by a line in the first 13. Why exactly did Mila rip open the snake’s skin? Was this a fancy way of describing her stabbing it to death? Or was it describing her taking the bones to be used in her knife? Other than that, this is a great first 13. I like the concept of her being trapped beneath the street, seeing the world above. Maybe cut: “She, like so many others, had always dreamed of flying,” in my opinion its unnecessary. Nit: she holds the knife to the creature’s throat, but slashes the arm... I really like the description of the creature, her fight with the creature and how she is imprisoned in this underground prison. Great finish. If this story was fleshed out a bit, I would like to know more about who/what is the snake and how did her conversation with it come about? How did she know she was going to fall into the trap and how had this path been set for her? Excellent fantastical elements.

7. Really cool imagery all throughout this one. It relies on the imagery completely, thought, because it seems that most of the story has already happened. I enjoyed it though, cleanly written and moody. Wish it was longer (starting sooner).

8. I enjoyed the concept and imagery of the world “beneath shadow”. There were quite a few things that seemed to be considered previously known or understood that were somewhat jarring, such as the snake, the cuts on her hands, the glass vial, the bits of crystal, and “the legend”. There were some minor grammatical flaws, the word “obsidian” seemed overused, and I didn’t understand how the “shadow creature” at one point becomes “as hard as bone”. I enjoyed the ending, but I wonder how escaping through the clearness of dark or through the subway would have worked.

9. The first thirteen didn’t draw me, but the story was great. The snake with obsidian bones was confusing and seemed to come out of nowhere. I like the end a lot, very interesting.

10. Well-written. I like the glassy grey view of the surrounding world that she cannot reach. Cool trap. I’m not a fan of how hard it was to kill the thing (good to say it was hard to kill something that couldn’t fight back, but grisly to have to keep it up for so long). What a hopeless future for her! What’s not clear is, why did she commit herself to this course? Revenge doesn’t seem like a strong enough reason; protection of other siblings or some such would be more believable. Used “wildly” twice in first 13.

11. I love the idea of this, but the story I’m more interested in is what actually happened before this. What exactly did happen to Mila’s sister?

12. Mila begins by tripping, followed by panic and hysteria. Shortly, we discover she has a purpose, which contradicts the accidental nature of tripping and the surprise implied by the panic. The ending has her facing a potential way out, at least something to explore, but she stops and waits. Through the story, the point is made that she lost hope and purpose, but here she could, but doesn’t, regain it.

Dancing With A Wolf

Vampires are not the charming, handsome, sophisticated creatures fiction has made them to be. There is nothing attractive about them. Their breath stinks of soured, decaying blood and their skin feels like a salamanders. Black lips, white-pasty complexion and oily hair; they are nothing more than undead parasites with personalities to match. I’d sooner tongue kiss my grandfather who lost his teeth from a tobacco chewing habit then get close to another vampire ever again.
But the Wolf man, what an animal!
My knees go weak every time I see him. Broad shoulders, strong chin, powerful hands, and amber eyes; the epitome of handsome. His sense of smell is strong so he knows how to smell good. He dresses well and walks confidently, as if he has not a care in

Comments:

1. The present tense threw me a bit, but the story is very clear and consistent. The lines with the heels clicking on the floor and the legs flashing and the men looking are I think about the clearest I have ever read here at Hatrack. The writing is skillful, the action good, and the reveal interesting. Very good.

2. I knew she was a Von Helsing the minute she walked out onto the floor and thought of herself as a huntress. I'm not sure the 'love' thing worked for me. The attraction part certainly did and that was a great opening. There were a number of typos that need to be fixed, but I liked this. The voice was done well, except for the preoccupation with their relationship, which, as I mentioned, distracted from the story. It would work better if she felt a powerful attraction when he walked into the room.

3. I think the prose could use more variation in sentence types. The beginning could be shorted and the ending expanded upon because the story doesn't really start, that is the conflict doesn't start until he grins, knowing she has to stop him. You should start close to that part and expound on the struggle she is dealing with inside. As it is, I felt very distant from her. I didn't care at all when she killed her love because I didn't feel how she felt, because it seems she felt nothing.

4. This story had some good imagery. The two characters had a mutual attraction for each other that I didn’t think made a case for them being as in love as the words at the end of the story seemed to imply. If I could have sensed more of a backstory between them, it would have helped.

5. Not too fond of first 13. It reads as a description of vampires then wolfmen. What is the story about? Not too sure I’d read on from this hook. Once I got into the story, I thought the detail and interaction between the main character and the wolf man was excellent writing. The twist at the end, with her killing him is ok. Makes me wonder, if this is her love, then how have they dealt with his turning into a wolf in the past? Why are they confronting the situation this way now? I don’t like the last line stating that she is a Von Helsing. If the first 13 began with the interaction between the POV and the werewolf on the dance floor, it would be a stronger hook. Ending with the conflict on the balcony makes it a good flash.

6. This one was cool, and seemed well suited to the length. The writing was smooth and clear. I was into it. Nice job. For some reason the “Von Helsing” instead of “Van Helsing” bothered me. Was that intentional?

7. I was confused why her identity as a Von Helsing was hidden; revealing it at the end seemed to be trying too hard for a twist. Also, I personally don't like stories told in present tense, but that's just a nit. And I didn't like the idea of him "ruining her for other men." It's fine that she loved him, but phrased that way, it seemed a little much.

8. It was great. Another one where the first thirteen didn’t really appeal to me, but the overall story was fantastic.

9. This was very well written. However, I found the present tense distracting. The description of the vampires was good, but somewhat misleading. There were several minor grammatical mistakes, such as “…then [than] get close to another vampire” (I found this comment strange since this is her chosen profession). I originally thought she liked all wolf-men. It would have been good to know this was the last from the start – the author could have made him a sympathetic character. The “smell” sentence was confusing, and how does he keep “his beard neatly trimmed”? Oh, and It’s Katrina Van Helsing.

10. Very engaging story, well-written, strong characterization. Excellent chemistry, but love? How did she allow herself to get so close to a werewolf? It doesn’t quite fit. Perhaps explain that they met and fell in love before he was turned, or something.

11. The present tense felt awkward, but maybe that’s just a personal preference. Otherwise, it was okay. I’m not too fond of the vampire-werewolf hype myself, so I kind of view a lot of stories in that genre with some distaste. The writing was good, but not a real catcher.

12. I can’t take too much of first person combined with present tense, but this flash wasn’t too much. Details of the woman and her dress added richness that fit. The action is concluded well and the name revealed at the end fits. That there are no more werewolves brings up disbelief.

Ghost World

In the small care room, John's mother was sitting on the edge of a bed, her shoulders limp, her head cocked to the side. She blankly stared out a window.
He wondered why they gave her a view of the garden if she didn't register what she looked at. He stood in front of her, his hands on her shoulders.
"I swear I'm going to find a way to help you."
At that moment, the doctor came in. John stood erect.
"Is something wrong?" John said.
"We've done all we can for her. And I hate to bring this up, but her assets ran out. If you want us to keep her here, you're going to have to start paying."
John wiped a hand through his hair. "The money I have saved

Comments:

1. Too bad the ending wasn't there. I was waiting to see John's attempt to reconnect. It's not polite to leave the reader waiting. I enjoyed the world you created with these few words. I admit to being a little hazy about robot thing. I think that wasn't necessary and I would prefer to see John try and reconnect in the story.

2. John’s seeks a radical procedure in an attempt to bring back his catatonic mother. Too much telling. Prose needs tightening. The transitions between scenes were clunky. The ending fizzled. Fix all of that and you might have something.

3. So John is a mommas boy, who is going to kill his mother if he can find a way back to his body? Kind of a weird story, and a weird ending. I don’t really know what to say about this one. It could use a bit of clarifying I think, and more detail about the Robot City.

4. First 13 doesn’t give much conflict or motivation. Mother is dying in hospital. I’m not convinced I want to read on. John swears he will find a way to save her. Maybe a mention of the radical procedure to come in the first 13 would give it more grab. I find it hard to believe as I read on. John is travelling to robot city to find cure for his mother, and then all of a sudden he is being operated on himself! Against his will, money already debited, just a little unbelievable. Also, who is talking to the Ghost robot after he performs the procedure? I like the idea of the body having a soul being established by the silk scale procedure. In order to make this story work, maybe expand on that idea, mention it in the first 13 then flesh it out as the story continues. John pursues the goal of reconnecting his mother’s soul with her body, maybe entering into his procedure knowingly.

5. Interesting. The voice you use for the doctor is hard to follow, and I thought John ought to have been a bit more alarmed when they started treating him instead of his mother, but it was an enjoyable story.

6. Interesting setup. Clean prose. I liked the Robot city idea. It ended before it had begun unfortunately.

7. This felt much more like a prologue than a complete story. And I think it could have started very nicely in the scene where he arrives at Ghost's place, which I think is a better hook than just the scene with the dying patient.

8. I liked most of the first 2/3 of this story. I did not understand how or why the mother would be sitting up if she were catatonic; the “Is something wrong?” sentence was odd considering the circumstances; and I’m not sure why robots all live in a particular city. The “His procedure is, well you’ll see” sentence was off-putting. The [very] “late Einstein” would work better with Einsteinian as an adjective (and rename the doctor). The ending fell apart – If I were the mother, and could be wherever I thought, I’d be on a tropical island, not hanging around my catatonic body.

9. Good idea, but I don’t feel like we know the characters enough to accept their decisions. Why does she want to die? Why does he always do what she says? I really like the doctor though, great job on his dialogue.

10. Interesting premise. IMHO, the futuristic nature of this world should have been introduced in the first 13. I loved the pen in the air and sending it to his phone—give me more of that kind of tech. The character seems too passive, letting them strap him down without real protest and without knowledge. I don’t buy that his getting what appears to be a medical procedure will help his mother; the explanation comes too late. I like when he meets her, but then the ending seemed too abrupt. I can’t believe he doesn’t fight harder to get his mother to come back, and that he just accepts the task of killing her body (it could work with more groundwork earlier about the nature of their relationship). I want to know if he gets back to his body; what struggles does he face in trying to do that? (The whole robot angle doesn’t seem important.) “messed with” and “Psht!” don’t work. There’s a lot of good potential here for a longer story.

11. This story has a lot of potential, but it feels like it’s still a work in the early stages of progress.

12. It’s clear how he was driven to extreme measures, but I didn’t like that the process and risks weren’t explained. The ending is touching, and though it’s not shown, we can infer the final ending. The problem is that we don’t read why she doesn’t want to rejoin.

The Mocking Glass

Quinn pushed on the door as hard as she could, but it wouldn’t give. She tried pushing from her shoulder, from her hip, from her leg, but the door didn’t move. Her cousin had told her what was in there, the looking glass that would show you something mysterious, and she wanted to see it. And now Stewart was gone, it was the perfect chance to sneak in, and she couldn’t get into his room because the door was stuck. But she wanted to see it. The glass was in there, and she wanted to, no had to see it.
She thought she heard a thump of the front door, which could mean that either Stewart or her aunt and uncle were home, but there were no other sounds that might suggest she was not alone. She pushed the door with her shoulder again. As if someone else had turned the knob and pulled, the door swung open, throwing her onto the floor just inside Stewart’s bedroom.

Comments:

1. Brilliant. Perfect. Well done.

2. I'm not sure if I got the gist of this. I am assuming she died after the softball was thrown at the mirror and the red-eyed girl threw it back and killed her... yet it becomes a flashback with her lying on the floor and the baseball rolling back. I'm not keen on time-slips in a short and it jarred me out of getting this story.

3. Quinn takes a peak at her cousins mirror he bought from a witch. Fitting this would be entrant #13. I liked this. First half was written solidly. The second half could use some tightening and some passages are passive. I would be happy to give a complete critique of this if the author would like one. Solid entry.

4. Interesting. So her evil reflection killed her, but why? You could set up something in the beginning of this story so that when she dies at the end, we understand why her reflection killed her. This would make the ending have that aha moment. I think it would make it a strong story. As is, though, the ending sort of falls flat.

5. Excellent description of her interaction with the mirror image. The image throwing the ball back at her, glass shattering and her being hit by the ball is great. I’m a little thrown off by the baseball initially falling on her, then the baseball falling again on her dead body. Did she really die the second she walked in and fell over, the mirror interaction taking place during the period her soul was leaving her body? Also the description of the mirror being bought from a witch a little too forced. I would suggest more focus on mirror interaction in story and less on background of Stewart buying the mirror. Altogether it was excellent writing.

6. This was fantastic writing. It was just a bit too creepy for my taste. I wish the ending had been a little more clear.

7. Interesting. Full narrative in the flash length; nice job. Good clear prose, although I did get a little confused at the final action scene as to where everyone was etc., but I think it was supposed to be somewhat disorienting. Good ending.

8. My trouble with this story is that there's no explanation for the creepiness. It seems like such an extremely dangerous object wouldn't be sold to a random person without reason or warning. Unless the gypsy was trying to trap souls, but there's no proof of that in the story. I suppose there's just not as much conflict or explanation, so I couldn't get absorbed in the creepiness.

9. This had one of the best endings, and made good use of open interpretation. I’m not sure if trying to push the door open was the best starting point, although I see why it was done (so that Quinn would end up on the floor with the baseball hitting her in the eye – did anything after this really happen?). Consider changing the “witch or a gypsy” to an old haggard woman. I couldn’t buy her throwing the baseball at the mirror. I interpreted the ending as a matter of transference – she was now the witch, and the other was a dead body.

10. The first 13 contains a lot of repetition for a story with only 1000 words. It didn’t appeal to me, but the story did. Very creepy. I loved the ending, especially how distanced she was from her former body.

11. The opening is somewhat repetitive. I’d rather know more about what this mysterious looking glass showed to her cousin, because while I hear her saying she’s eager to see it, I don’t have any real sense of why its so interesting. I like how the door opened on it’s own. I like her voice. The confusion of interactions between contrasting realities is well done. I like when there’s no floor. I don’t like her being dead.

12. Some things happen, e.g. the thump of the door, where narrative is limited by her POV. That makes me wonder whether the rolling baseball, both times, was in her POV. Some of the imagery near the end confused me, but the final end was clear.

Nino and Prometheus

Nino slipped the obsidian knife from off the mantle into her bundled sweater. She turned with a bright and entirely forced smile as her mother approached with some bread and cheese.
“Have fun outside today sweetie.”
“I will”. This time her smile was genuine. Her mother hadn’t noticed the missing knife. Of course she wouldn’t – no-one else knew it was magic.
“And stay away from the forest, it dangerous!” her mother admonished.
“I will.” Nino replied.
Within minutes she had reached the forest’s edge. She waited until she was well under the sheltering canopy to unwrap the magic knife. It shone like glass in the sun and the leather

Comments:

1. This turned into a bit of a fairy tale. I wanted some kind of moral or a closing, but instead it ended up as a vignette. I think this extended a bit with a resolution would make this a powerful tale. I liked the elements and the writing. As a nit, I wondered if she would be in trouble for breaking the magic knife. Something to think about should you chose to rewrite this.

2. Nino takes a magic knife and finds Prometheus in the forest.
Promising story but it has major flaws. Prose needs work. Way too much telling. The ending falls flat.

3. A lot of good stories in this challenge. I like it. I would like a bit more at the beginning, a bit more information about Nino, and a bit more clarification about why she is going out to the forest, and why she took the knife. Also as a mother I would not let my child out in the forest alone, especially with a knife. That pulled at believeability for me.

4. This had potential to be good. I would rethink the ending. Perhaps she saved him, but the consequence is that man loses all technology and has to start from scratch, but maybe that's not such a bad thing Nino thinks. Or something.

5. Starts out strong. Nino explores the forest, finds Prometheus. More about the magic knife and how it illuminates Prometheus would make this work better. I am left wondering why Prometheus does not want to be saved, but stares at knife hungrily. Why is it that by being freed he would take back the gifts he had given to men? The ending doesn’t resolve, I take it for granted that they cannot see Prometheus without the magic knife. I am assuming this story references some ancient Greek mythology although I am not familiar with the story. Maybe a clearer picture of this and a more magical ending, and this story would work very well.

6. I really enjoyed this story. My biggest concern was about the setting. She has a mantle and a sweater, so it seems pretty modern, but she doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal that the man has a loincloth on.

7. Really liked this one. I wasn’t too familiar with the myth, so it didn’t feel too much like a retelling. Good writing, subtle humor, complete narrative.

8. I felt it was too lacking in conflict. Also, I didn't understand why setting Prometheus free would take back the gifts given by fire. If the gods could have taken those things back, surely they would have already.

9. Nice use of blending fantasy and Greek mythology. I’m familiar with the Prometheus story (I’d forgotten about the eagles – Shelley’s influence), but an explanation of the fire and gifts of knowledge would have been helpful to the unknowing. I believe it was hard to picture him hanging from the rock – I had to read it a couple of times. Naming the girl Nino - “boy” – was different. The “Could he tell she wasn’t supposed to be there?” sentence was very Narcissistic. The ending was weak.

10. The first 2 sentences had me thinking she was planning to kill her mother. I was a little confused about what was going on until I googled Prometheus. Overall a well-written story. I like Nino’s spunk. The word “canopy” had me picturing a jungle/rain forest the whole way through the first pass, but I think you meant deciduous forest. I can’t imagine a family that lives near the woods where the kids never go in the woods—I don’t buy that part. She should be very familiar with the woods.

11. I am a huge mythology buff, and I absolutely loved the use of Prometheus in this! I’m curious to see how this could be expanded, to see if Nino manages to develop new relationships with the mythological gods. This was very well written and solid. Good job!

12. Nino’s adventure got her into more than she bargained for. I liked the way Prometheus declined to be released, and that the eagle forced Nino away. The beginning and middle were stronger than the rather abrupt ending.

Bride Price

Riding on the back of an elephant was not all it was cracked up to be. Yeah, it looked cool, that was true, especially through the African jungle. But legs were not designed to spread open that far for seven hours straight, and the jarring motion of each elephant’s step pulled the muscles on the inside of Kali’s legs. She had thought it would be different, presenting herself before some wild jungle king as a bride, but what did she know. She had only seen Africa from television.
It was beautiful, this new land of her's. There was green everywhere. The brush was so thick and so tall, as if the plants were fighting for a chance to grow here. She could see only patches of the sky through tall palms, but it seemed brighter than back home in Wisconsin.

Comments:

1. Even with the opening I thought, African elephants are not ridden. Their dispositions don't permit it. Then I read the girl's name Kali, which is an Indian god (a male) and got turned around. The POV shifts nearly tore me out of my seat. I was trying to figure out why she was doing this, but I guess she was just ordered to do it. Doesn't seem modern army to me. I didn't get a hint of the desperation she really felt until the very end, I would prefer to see that earlier on.

2. Kali is led into the jungle to marry an African chief.
This was funny. Loved Kali’s sarcastic view of the world. The POV went from 3rd to first in a couple of spots. The ending lacked the punch I was hoping for.

3. "Stick for a nose slowed the elephant to a stop" LOL. Loved this. Good story. The ending didn't fall flat. It had good humour and voice as well. There are a few grammar problems, though.

4. Acceptable first 13, I would read on. I’m wondering why an oblivious bride from Wisconsin would be riding an elephant in Africa. I love the POV of Kali. Very tongue-in-cheek, funny, amusing. It doesn’t really have an end. I’m wondering why her army orders would be to marry this African chief in the middle of nowhere. I don’t see any objective, or a reason that she would follow these orders. Still, this is a very believable first person character and a fun setting. Some minor changes would make this a great story.

5. This was written in a nice voice, but I couldn’t get into the whole plot. She seems too horrified at the end, even though she knew what she was doing. I liked that you added the “This was Africa, right?” because otherwise I would have been bothered by the inaccuracies. Still, if she wasn’t in Africa, where was she?

6. This one worked for me. Everything is not perfectly clear, but that was ok. Good prose, most of the voice seemed appropriate until the end where her tone changes considerably to desperate and frightened from the nonchalance of the beginning. Minor nits; good job.

7. I was very confused. I think there needs to be more explanation of what she's getting into; it seemed very vague and thus I had trouble empathizing with the MC. I'd like to see more detail of being shipped off to be a bride, why she wants to die, etc.

8. The characterization was good. However, I find side comments in narration, such as “Focus. Kali. Jeeze” annoying. It was never clear, from beginning to end, why she needed to marry this king. “Stick-for-a-nose” should have been one hyphenated word (that would have also cut the story’s word count). I was not sure why her arms needed to be tied, and the white powder part reminded me of the Bo Derek Tarzan movie, which was the only part of that movie worth watching. If I were her parent, I’d be filing injunctions and lawsuits.

9. Great voice for the character, but I put her at a lot younger than someone who could join the army. I really enjoyed it.

10. What? Why on earth is she doing this? How is anyone saved by this deal? Or has she been duped? She really thinks she’s in the military? I don’t get any sense of serious distress from her until near the end. Give us a solid rationale (whatever she believes) and provide her with an emotional context that matches events, and it will be much better. I like the description of Stick for a Nose and some of the other POV ways of looking at things that establish Kali’s voice.

11. Very well-written and in many ways, believable. I’d love to see more!

12. After the rich detail and her resigned acceptance of her fate, I expected the ending to reveal reasons. Her mission could be stated, or better, shown in a longer story.

Morpheus

Another failed experiment decayed in the neat rows of petrie dishes that covered all the counters. The revived cells died too quickly, no matter how rich we made the nutrient bath. I peeled off my gloves and dropped them in the trash. Perhaps it was time to give up.

A gentle tap on my shoulder startled me. It was my research assistant, Nadine, playing one of her practical jokes. “You got me!” I almost smiled, but her blank expression displayed no trace of humor.

She stood ramrod straight and looked just past my shoulder. “Have you seen one of these specimens before, Dr. Lowrie?” She usually called me Ed. Her voice sounded as flat as the emptiness in her eyes.

Comments:

1. Cool. I really like how you shifted the POV so smoothly. Cool story. Great writing. Interesting.

2. I think it's difficult to pull off the massive POV switch when the AI takes over the doctor. When he says "Then I knew no more" You've killed POV integrity. That really jarred for me. Other than that, I thought it was a nice bit of work. I enjoyed reading this and the story, although predictable, was fun to read. I somehow hope Ed finds Nadine somewhere in the merged consciousness...

3. Dr Edward Lowrie must put back an alien mind that is taking control of all the lab animals and his assistant.
Solid idea, the execution of the plot could use some tweaking. Fast pace in the middle but the sudden start made this jarring. A little bit predictable.

4. Nice. This was captivating from beginning to end. I don't really need to feel for the MC, although that would be nice, but I doubt you can pull that off and still have a cool story. But if you expand this into a 3000-7000 word story then you can for sure. Nonetheless, as a plot driver story, this rocks. Cool premise. This idea could make a cool novel.

5. Something jars me with the first 13, and then as Dr. Lowrie talks with Nadine I am confused. As soon as I realize that Nadine is possessed by the Morpheus the story picks up for me. Excellent description of the hive mind and the Doctor trying to fight him. I even love the twist ending at the end as the POV switches to that of the hive mind. The middle and end of the story are excellent for me, a little work on the beginning would make this a great read.

6. This was a fun story, and I was impressed by the way you went from one first person pov to the next without confusing me at all.

7. I must admit to being a little bored until the twist at the end. I think this much action in a flash is a little numbing without some context to make it meaningful to the characters. Cool idea, clean prose, good ending.

8. Interesting concept. One nit: I would recommend putting in a section break between the Doctor's thoughts and Morpheus's. As it is, I was distracted by the transition. I'd also maybe start the story with the mention of Morpheus, so that it doesn't seem to come out of nowhere that his assistant should be possessed.
I also wanted to know more about Morpheus and how he was created, where his intelligence came from. Was it computer or animal based? Expansion on that could make the story even more interesting.

9. Cool. Very enjoyable. Very clearly written (only petrie = petri bugged me).

10. Great characterization and fantastic transition from memory to present tense. Creepy twist. The 1st 13 were a little slow, and I’m still not sure why the MC was trying to revive cells. Good nuances in the “careful professionalism” and him slamming into the workbench. There was a good use of imagery, such as in the “two boys playing tag” outside and the silent monkeys. However, I’m not sure how one “accidentally” creates an “alien intelligence”. The MC should have shown more concern about the rats escaping.

11. It’s not nice to mess with Mother Nature and this story shows why. I liked the clues such as the stiff, emotionless Nadine. I did wonder that there were exactly as many tranq darts as monkeys with no backup. I particularly like the change in the identity of the first-person MC at the end.

12. I love how the intelligence was created by man. Were this longer, I’d like more of a set-up, though. Still, it was great!

There are three more voters to go and then I can post winners.

The rules state that if they fail to comment on all the stories they are disqualified and their votes trickle down which could affect the outcome.

So hopefully I'll get the comment soon.

1. Alliedfive
3. Owasm
4. Unwritten
5. Snapper
7. JeffBarton
8. LlessurNire
10. philocinemas
12. shimiqua
13. Gaudrhin
16. ScardeyDog
17. BoredCrow
18. Mrs. Brown
19. Architectus

Snapper for Dancing With A Wolf. (25 points)

Congrats.

and...

AlliedFive for Safe (26 points)

and...

Philocinemas for Ruby's First Kiss. (31 points)

Mrs.Brown for Morpheus (33 points)

Thanks Skadder for this format, it was a lot of fun participating in this contest!

I am pretty new to Hatrack and this has been a great way for me to start writing. I am proud to say that the story I submitted to this contest is my first finished story. I have started many but have been unable to finish any of them, I always feel like there is so much more I need to add. The 1000 word limit and the prompts really gave me a focus that I have been lacking.

I have a much longer story imagined than what is told in this flash and am thinking about rewriting it in a longer version. Anyone interested in critting for me, or talking over the ideas?

Congrats to Philocinemas, AlliedFive, and Snapper!
Skadder, thank you so much for all your hard work on this contest.
And thanks to everyone who participated!

quote:

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I have a much longer story imagined than what is told in this flash and am thinking about rewriting it in a longer version. Anyone interested in critting for me, or talking over the ideas?

---

LlessurNire, I would be interested in doing this sometime in the future. I'm currently trying to finish something I would like to submit to WOTF. When I get back to Ruby, I'm going to probably make it somewhere around 5000 words. This will take me some time to do. I believe the ending will be easy, I was having to really rush through it for this contest, as most of you noted. My challenge will be the beginning and resetting it in Ruby's POV. I've got a few ideas, but if anyone feels inspired to email me his or her thoughts, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks, everyone.