...and it was answered by a neighbor. There was a bit of panic, but, my wife's friend had dropped the kids off with that neighbor, and was with the paramedics! The neighbor said she heard "shots fired".

Needless to say, our trip to the store became a trip to Albion (about an hour-and-a-half away). When we got there, the street was blocked off and an entire chunk of the road was blocked off. My friend had lost his job, gotten trashed, beat his wife and when she ran away with the kids, he took a shotgun out after them! The cop that arrived shot him to death.

Our night was spent on that street and calling his mother, comforting his shocked, bruised wife and trying to help her keep it together as she explained why "daddy" wasn't coming back to his four-and-a-half-year-old daughter...

Nothing we can say will make this any better.

I'm angry because I can't yell at him for how stupid what he did was.

I'm angry because if I'd have been there, it wouldn't have happened--I'd have beat the hell out of him.

I'm angry because two children are left without a father, and a 28 year-old woman--a good, faithful woman--is a widow.

I'm angry because I had to call his mother (who I'm sure doesn't like me anyway) and tell her that her son was shot...and dead.

I'm angry because his stubbornness did this all.

And I'm pissed that the cop didn't see if one shot worked. Nor did he see if two shots worked. He fired two shots into his right side and a third into his chest before my friend had time to respond to the first use of violence.

It makes me angry that he didn't have some insurmountable problem. In one drunken instant he became a fatalist.

But, I think what makes me most angry is that he wanted to die. He had so much to offer; so much to live for, but he wanted to die for something that happened 20 years ago...and it was common!

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 05, 2008).]

The question, "How could he DO that?" is very valid, and applies all over (to more than one person and to several separate events) in this situation.

I would be very surprised, Rich, if you weren't angry about all of this.

Edited to add: I would have been angry, certainly after the shock, and the sorrow, if not along with them. I would have screamed my rage.

The crappy irony in this is that the one in this situation who made the poor decisions is gone, whatever you (general you, not you) might believe about afterlife, he's not here dealing with the fallout from his poor decisions. Instead his wife is picking up the pieces, literally, and will be for a long time.

I'm glad you and your wife were able to be there for her, in spite of how traumatic it is for you guys. Anger makes a lot of sense in this situation. You want him back so you can beat the living daylights out of him, don't you? I'm sorry.

That grieving family are lucky to have you and your wife as friends who care, and do what it takes.

quote:

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You want him back so you can beat the living daylights out of him, don't you?

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Yeah. How futile is pounding on a corpse?

I just can't imagine how things got so screwed up. He had all the basics (wife who cares, two beautiful children, house, dogs, truck, was an experienced rough carpenter and roofer--both of which are crafts that there are always people hiring in--and some pretty good friends who've made sure when he had needs, they were met). He loved history and debate (to the point of pissing people off) and liked to laugh. I'll miss his laugh...and the tilted nod of his head when he was laughing too hard to reply. And I'll miss the enthusiasm he had for plotting.

This stuff never makes sense. It leaves those of us who are stuck behind wondering "What if" and angry and the person and ourselves for it happening.

Manic Depression (Bipolor disorder) is a tough one. It's really hard to medicate and when it goes wrong, it does so in fairly dramatic ways.

In your friend's situation it sounds like things just went downhill too fast to fix. Add in a volatile situation and some weaponry and it was explosive. Things might have been different if he hadn't had the gun or if the cop didn't try so hard or...they might not have been. The what-ifs are hard to process, hard to own, hard to live with.

My DH's family is still doing the what-did-we-do-wrongs with BIL's decision to take 47 tylenol (not a good idea, in case anyone was curious. Just enough to kill you slowly. It took a week for him to die.) I guess one thing I've learned in the twelve years is that you just don't know what is going on in someone else's head, and that person owns their decisions, nobody else does. It took DH a long time to stop thinking if only he had called more often, stayed more connected... But he didn't make the decision, BIL did and BIL suffered the consequences. I wish he were still here so I could slap him silly for the anguish he has caused his parents and brothers and sister.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tylenol

And at the manufacturer's website it says "Overdose warning: Taking more than the recommended dose (overdose) may cause liver damage." It doesn't say it will hurt.

http://www.tylenol.com/product_detail.jhtml?id=tylenol/headbody/prod_ex.inc&prod=subpe x#

It's a painkiller, so I doubt that people who choose to kill themselves with it expect pain.

Pat

We found the note during the week while he was in a coma. His parents still don't believe that he did it on purpose. I know he did, but I'm sure he wasn't thinking through the consequences at all.

Trouble is, he daren't control it completely with medication because that destroys the manic part which also fuels his talent as an innovative, well-paid consulting engineer. If the manic part goes, so does the fat salary that the family depend upon.

On the other side, depression amplifies problems in his head, such that they can appear insurmountable. When things get real bad, he's unpredictable, potentially violent, either towards himself or anyone who happens to be around--it's a blind, hitting out kind of violence, not targetted. I saw it once: in a rage he hit a wall hard and hurt his hand. Broke some stuff too. I thought he might hit me as well, but I knew it was blind rage, not something personal with me. Maybe, I don't know but maybe, the gun with your friend's wife and family was blind rage too?

and KayTi, that's a terrible burden that I know still hurts.

sounds like you and your wife were the best friends someone that family could have.

accept the anger; it's rational and expected to be angry with a friend for committing suicide. which is what he did, especially if he read the warning on the other medication; which he most likely did.

doesn't make it better, easier, or anything else, but now is the time to deal with your own family's pain and hurt, before the violence that ended your friend's life damages your own.

I had a close family member commit suicide a few years back. Whether your friend's death was a suicide or not, it was definitely senseless.
It does get easier. I know it's a cliche, but time does heal wounds. However, you'll always have a scar - a sense of absence and a longing to see that person walk through the door with a smile or a joke.
For now, be angry, be sad, consider all the what-ifs, and remember him - the good and the bad. All these emotions serve a purpose - they help us forgive and they help us to keep going.

Our thoughts are with you and your family.