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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Grist for the Mill » poetry

   
Author Topic: poetry
dreadlord
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well, tell me if this isnt the place for it, but I wrote a poem last night and wondered what you guys thought...


forever.
such a crazy word,
when the world keeps turning,
sometimes
so fast that you just cant stop.
but then
I look at you,
and I think that
my heart is right
that it isnt crazy
that the world stops turning
when were
together
forever.

just wondering... kinda lovesick right now, awkward situation, dont want her to know, so... Im letting myself out here.


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Robert Nowall
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To better reflect one's times, I'm fonder of poems with rhymes, but not altogether---not necessarily better---to make up some pattern sublime.
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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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dreadlord, we really aren't a poetry publisher, even in the Grist for the Mill area.
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Zero
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What if he's just looking for a crit to help him master his craft and has no interest in ever publishing any of these practice poems?
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Zero
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lol - nice one, Rob
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Robert Nowall
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If I write with rhyme and reason, be assured that it will not be coprighted in this season---I'll make it up right on the spot.
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Zero
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I was going to shoot back with a witty rhyme-orient response but it just ended up as garbage. So let's pretend I managed it.
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philocinemas
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Anything that we put up in the form of poetry in this forum will be considered a first publication.

I have a very nice 4-liner floating somewhere in the What is Literary? post about 8 months ago. It has amazing figurative undertones.

This is how I know, we are discouraged from doing so (rhyme completely intentional).


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Zero
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If you are looking for a crit of style and using a poem to do so that isn't the same thing as wanting a crit for this particular poem, with the intent to publish or sell the poem.
If I want people to give me feedback about the way I write poetry using a given example that is still helpful and completely unrelated to crits on how to improve my given poem for the purpose of publishing that poem.

I think the former should be allowed.

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited February 19, 2009).]


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dreadlord
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honestly, I was just looking for an opinion on whether to give it to the girl... Im not even sure she knows I exist...
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philocinemas
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quote:
honestly, I was just looking for an opinion on whether to give it to the girl

quote:
Im not even sure she knows I exist

Then here's my opinion with a little bit of advice. It is a fine poem, BUT never give a girl that might not know you "exist" a poem with the word "forever" in it. Poems are fine, just consider your wording very carefully.

In all honesty, some tasteful flowers (not roses) sent in a glass vase would probably be more potent.


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shimiqua
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Philo is right. I like the poem, and would love it if my husband wrote it to me. So keep it for the future, but definitely talk to this girl. Maybe with one daisy. That's always nice and not overly frightening.
Be honest. You only live once and don't be afraid to tell her you like her, because you'll kick yourself if you never tell her. You never know what could happen. Which is what makes it exciting.
Good luck, and go get her!
~Sheena

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Zero
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quote:
In all honesty, some tasteful flowers (not roses) sent in a glass vase would probably be more potent.

I did this to (at best) mixed success many years ago. Instead I recommend trying to engage her in conversation (if the situation isn't too awkward) and begin getting to know her from there.

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Zero
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But yeah... "forever" can be an extremely intimidating word.
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dreadlord
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yeah... I did talk to her on saturday, and it turns out... well, you probably know already, Zero, but we have a date planned. gave her a lily, would have given her a cherry blossom, cause thats what shes named after (shes chinese) but thought it too much of a cliche. anyway, Im thinking a picnic and a movie. dont know which one, though. any suggestions?
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Zero
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Err on the side of interactivity. Movies have always made bad first dates for me because, ultimately, they're not very good opportunities to get to know someone else in any kind of quality sense. Because most of the time you're not talking to each other or even looking at each other. But the picnic sounds really good, though.

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited February 24, 2009).]


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dreadlord
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thanks. you can tell that I have a lot of experience in this field. lol.
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AmieeRock
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WEll, I'm burning with curiosity, has the date happened yet, and if so, how did it go? Did you picnic? I haven't been out on a date in ages (with three little home-destructo kits to deal with, we never do ANYTHING), so I must live vicariously....
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dreadlord
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well, the date went off without a hitch, and yes, we did picnic.

just so you know, the date was yesterday.

I took her to a nice spot in the desert that I had scouted out, we sat down, ate, talked, and then around six I took her home.


SHES AN ARTIST!!!!!! you should see some of her work... its amazing.


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AmieeRock
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Good for you! I hope you go out again. You know apreciating her talents, like her art, is a sure way into a girls heart.
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shimiqua
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Oh dreadlord, you're cute.
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dreadlord
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thanks we have another date set up in about two weeks, the community college she goes to is throwing a luou, and were gonna go to that together.
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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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I love to go to a luau. Grew up knowing a lot of Polynesians, and loving the food. My favorite is a Tongan dish called Lu Pulu. Yum!
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dreadlord
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if they have it, Ill bring you a cyber version.
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