posted
My son brought home a paper informing us that one of his classmates--an 8th Grader--jumped off and overpass yesterday. What makes a 12 year old commit suicide? Frazier Metcalf had of promise.
There's no mention of him in the paper, yet, though they published a project writen by he and another classmate last year. I thought this would be a place to share it.
posted
goodness. That's tough. I didn't even think 12yos even thought like that. (was it really suicide, or him thinking he could land on a truck and ride it out? - cause I knew a kid who got hurt that way...)
How did you deal with it with your son? I wouldn't know what to say...
I had a friend attempt about 2 years - I was the first he called since I was the closest. He didn't tell me directly, but by the sound of his voice and his words, I knew. Got there and had to break through the front door. He had drunk all the chemicals under the sink and was lying in the tub waiting to die - the phone he called me with was in there with other plug-in electronics (including his desktop computer) in an attempt to electrocute himself. The ER guys came and took him and the doctors were able to save his life.
I dunno if your son was friends with Frazier - but I know I felt guilty for months trying to figure out if I could have been a better friend, or if I said something that affected my friend. In the end you can't blame yourself, but for a kid it might be especially hard to get perspective.
Condolences to Frazier's family. I don't even want to think about how that must feel. Things like this can destroy a family - I hope they get a lot of support.
Thanks for sharing IB, and thanks for sharing Frazier's work. It was quite nicely written.
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While due to my own life experiences I have strong thoughts on the matter, at this stage the only thing I can suggest is for us parents to be there for, involved with, and friends of our kids. The world can be overwhelming and conflicting to children, and the pressures they feel and their interpretations of events often defy logic to adults.
I have seen this sort of thing destroy families in the past and I hope this young fellow's family will get - and be able to capitalise on - some help in dealing with it.
posted
I have a certain theory that the young, those in the adolescent time of life, wind up in situations like this because they don't have the "chops," the ability, emotional or intellectual, to process a lot of the information they're bombarded with at that age. They've just scratched the surface of the matter---in some ways, the only matter that matters---and they can't deal with it and react in this way. They see it as the only way out. They're just realizing they're not the center of the universe and they can't yet conceive of the effect their actions will have on others.
(That being said...I regret having to say this, but is everyone sure it was a suicide? Jumping off an overpass could be an accident, or a dare from other kids. I did a Google search and found your posting and a Facebook page that might be his...there's nothing in Google News searching...it's the kind of thing where you have to be sure of it...)
posted
They're fairly certain i was suicide, Robert and billawaboy. I said I hadn't found anything in the papaer, but, Bath is a small city, so they may rely on the "grief counselors" to spread the word in a more sensative fashion--or may be waiting to make an announcement in the obituaries. The school sent papers home informing the parents. I wasn't just guessing "suicide". As a matter of fact, I'm still a bit shocked that a 12 - 13 year old would even consider suicide. Really.
Now, I'm really disturbed because my boy--for all of his faults--is smart (too smart for his own good), and I'm concerned he'll get to a low point and consider this an option. I'm a realist, and I know nothing can change where kids' minds roam, but, WOW, there? I couldn't imagine the pain of outliving a child, but how much worse this way?
Those are supposed to be the good years. Those are the years of bikes, dogs, comic books and forts; the time when real magic is at its full height. It's suppoed to be before love, money, license and popularity angst.
I guess as parents (and as writers) we need to keep this sort of darker reality in mind...more's the pity.
posted
I want to expand a little on my speculation above...really, it applies to the adolescent...an adult who chooses this way out usually has a basketful of totally different motivations.
A warning...sometimes something like this can set off a number of other attempts...your son may be in danger...the signs may not be obvious...if you can raise your vigilance and get him through to adulthood you'll have accomplished something.
posted
There's something about just being exposed to an idea or possibility (i think it's called a meme). As a kid I was never exposed to the thought so it never occured to me. I know in my late teens it was a highly repulsive to me just as a concept.
In behavioral science they say most kids tend have a natural repulsion to the idea. There is an innate (i would say healthy) ego-centricity or self-centeredness pov that kids naturally develop. They learn about themselves first and rarely think out side of themselves. That changes around puberty when they start developing more complex abstract thinking.
So to have a kid to even consider suicide - I have to ask what put that option in their head, and what drove them to think that, whatever was going on in thier life, that it was their only option. It's seems almost impossible for me to imagine a kid of 12 coming to that conclusion.
You know, there are medications that can cause suicidal thoughts...
posted
I have seen many unfortunate situations where children have been through more pain, both mental and physical, than most adults have ever endured.
I have worked with children who saw a parent murdered in front of them. I have worked with children who were beaten, burned, and made to eat dog food and sleep in a dog house. I have worked with some whose parents threw them out of the house and locked the door (one was 5 or 6 when this happened). I have worked with many children who no one ever told them they were loved.
Robert's right that every person has a limit. Some are set higher than others. Some crack under an unanswered question.
A child's greatest need is to be loved and ultimately to love him/her self (to have a sense of self-worth). Children who do this often do not feel either of these. There is a lack of seeing an end to their plight (whether it is real or imagined). Ultimately, despair is their only feeling.
There are usually warning signs - long periods of anger, silence, or isolation. Expressions of not belonging. Fear. Children are usually very verbal about this - threats of "I'm going to kill myself!" These often are in the context of revenge toward a parent, teacher, or peer. The real reason is deep inner hurt (from a lack of feeling loved).
IB, you have a unique position in having a close friend who committed suicide not that long ago. I think the worse thing you could do is not talk about this with your son. I would recommend you talk with him about how he feels and how you yourself felt when someone you knew made this choice. It doesn't hurt to speculate why (I wouldn't get too specific) - this is a healthy part of the healing process. The important thing to address is focusing on how emotions are temporary, that life will always have ups and downs, and that decision only end up robbing a person of the many ups that lie ahead.
posted
I was twelve when my depression/anxiety got to the point that my mom could no longer ignore the symptoms. (My dad has a more remarkable capacity for delusion.) I didn't think about suicide until high school, but most of my high school friends made attempts in middle school, before I'd met them.
Where I grew up, most kids appeared to be abused at home. Our "good years" didn't start until we moved away from home and worked on ourselves for a while. Until then, we had to help each other to compensate for the adults who didn't know what to do. What we needed more than anything, though, was to know that someone cared.
From what I've seen and experienced, kids who know that someone would grieve for them were they to die are less likely to attempt suicide. I seriously doubt your kid is at risk, IB.
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