posted
Professor Pat Poyfair will teach this lesson....
Lesson #1 -- The headline.
Many newbies have made the mistake of spending a lot of time and mental energy in making an incredibly cool topic, only to have it fall endlessly down to the depths of page 121 and finally oblivion without a single response.
The problem? The headline sucked. It lacked any punchy verb or obscure word to draw the reader in.
For instance.
Many years ago, Olivet started a thread entitled "The joys of a freshly shaved scrotum." Now, wouldn't that just make you want to open the thread? To this day, I can't remember what the topic was about, but that title still makes me shudder today like it did long ago.
Take time to put some serious thought into your title, and you WILL be noticed. Now this is not to say you should swear, or be crude or write something so stupid people will just ignore you. Just take your time, and it will come.
Posts: 1800 | Registered: Apr 2000
| IP: Logged |
Say something very funny and / or controversial in the first post. There are some really bad ways to start a thread: For example, "George Bush sucks. What do you think?" is a very bad first post.
If you post a link, be sure to provide some commentary and consider quoting an excerpt or two. When creating a fluff thread, do something original... And be funny.
For example, be like Bob Scopatz. Or Pat. These two individuals are currently neck and neck in the race for the "All Time Bestest and Coolest, Also Funniest, Threads Ever" award.
Bad first posts include:
1. "Hey, who thinks they should make an Ender's Game movie?" 2. "Abortion and / or homosexuality is wrong. Burn in hell, sinners!" 3. "a/s/l?"
posted
Lesson #3 -- Stroke a few egos along the way. (See Ethics' post above for a great example!)
If you want to make sure to get a lot of posts on your thread be sure to pass out a few phrases like "HEY KAYLA! CAN YOU LOOK SOMETHING UP FOR ME?" or "David Bowles, what's a meme?" or "I'm wondering what Tom Davidson thinks about this" or "Hey Ralphie! you totally rock!" or "Does Belle know her LOTR's trivia or what?" or "Tresopax, I finally found someone who agrees exactly with my bizarre political views" or 'For example, be like Bob Scopatz. Or Pat. These two individuals are currently neck and neck in the race for the "All Time Bestest and Coolest, Also Funniest, Threads Ever" award.'
Doing this accomplishes a two-fold purpose. First of all, these people will notice you more. Second of all, they will now start to watch your thread just to be sure someone else praises them in one way or another.
posted
I can honestly say that you, Pat, are not the Hatracker I most want to see shot out of a cannon at a brick wall. And I deeply admire your choice in Internet Bulletin Boards. And I have never been close enough to detect an unpleasant odor, so in my experience, you do not stink.
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Here are some of my titles, to support Pat's theory:
LOTR Wenches (a magnet to LOTR fans; I never expected this one to go big, but it did.)
It's Not Okay To Be Pretty (a somewhat controversial thread about appearances; I actually thought very hard about a title that would draw attention)
Mommy Bugga Bugga (appropriate to the topic and weird enough that people would check it out)
Current titles that intrigue me:
This is not the country I ordered - may I return it? by ssywak: I can tell this will be a political thread with interesting discussions and unique points of view.
Out of context by celia60: This one is bound to be hilarious.
Off-topic Abortion Question by Geoff Card: Okay, how can this kind of question be off-topic? I find it irresistible to open.
There are no other titles on the current first page that are just begging to be opened.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Lesson #4 - Be sure to make your thread self-referential
If you want people to not just open your thread and read the last two posts but actually the whole thing, you need to make sure that there are jokes littered throughout the thread that refer to other jokes made earlier in the thread. For example, "be like Bob Scopatz. Or Pat. These two individuals are currently neck and neck in the race for the "All Time Bestest and Coolest, Also Funniest, Threads Ever" award."
Then, once they're hooked, they'll keep reading your thread endlessly trying to "get it" rather than reading other, competing threads.
posted
I would like to point out that Jenny has no taste in thread titles, having failed to see the superiority of the "Movie Rules" thread.
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
the movie rules thread is, in itself, very awesome. the title leaves something to be desired.
"Movie Rules" is not very exciting. (ripping off Ebert) in parantheses is not very exciting. Perhaps...
Movie Rules: Ripping off Ebert (although that makes it seem like an ebert-centric thread)
What Makes a Movie a Good Movie?
Hot Air Balloons Make Poor Films
*******
okay, i've drawn a blank...you need something more grabbing than Movie Rules, though, do you see what i'm saying? Honestly, i haven't posted a thread in forever. Seriously, it has to have been over a month now, maybe even two. Because a) i never have any good new thread ideas and b) when i think i might, i worry about a catchy thread title. They are essential to the success of a thread, imo.
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
The sad truth is that I've been here so long, and started so many threads, that I put very little thought into my titles any more. Maybe I should start.
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
i'm only taking it seriously because i've oftentimes overlooked threads that turned out to be very interesting because of poor titles
Posts: 3516 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
Make sure your facts are right because someone will check them. ::whistles and looks at ceiling::
Lesson #6
Avoid flirting with Kayla, then totally ignoring her. This will drive her crazy and she will ruin more than one of your threads. Just ask Jon Boy about this one.
Lesson #7
While posting about how cool some people are, make sure you leave out some favorites. That way, you will either annoy someone into posting (telling you they are offended they didn't name you) or others will chime in as to how that kind of thread sucks because someone's feelings are bound to be hurt, and of course, a few who will tell you how they never post to that kind of thread for just that reason. Not that I'm upset that I haven't been mentioned once in this thread.
Lesson #8
If after following all the rules, your thread is dying a painful death, find a relative newbie who inadvertantly posted to your thread and call him a troll/Cedrios. This is sure to bring out most of hatrack; a third defending him, a third threatening to beat him up and the last third wondering why we can't all get along.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
If someone does something cool that gets noticed, make sure you do it too. For example, see the way I also edited my earlier post to catch Kayla's attention? This was a brilliant move because it fulfilled a number of the Guaranteed Cool Thread Criteria™ (including flattery, self-referentiality and Kayla mentioning) as well as adding fuel to the ready-to-be-re-ignited Post-Editing Controversy.
Posts: 2945 | Registered: Apr 2000
| IP: Logged |
(This is a good move too. It invites a variety of responses, including a chest thumping macho rejoinder from EG, EG calling me on the fact that I am essentially copying too, and/or a horde of PC bullies coming in to say that calling people 'gay' as an insult is not nice to actual gay people.)
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
| IP: Logged |
If nothing else works, insult someone. The tidal wave of flames and lectures about being nice will ensure that your thread lives a long and ill tempered life. Eventually, it will even draw in a few defenders for you (there is ALWAYS at least one bleeding heart hatracker willing to defend you even if you're satan himself).
[ June 19, 2003, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: Slash the Berzerker ]
Posts: 5383 | Registered: Dec 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
I just wanna so, though, that, while Slash did insult me, it's really okay and I don't want everyone jumping on him. He's just misunderstood. Maybe someone could find that FAQ for newcomers thread again!
Posts: 2945 | Registered: Apr 2000
| IP: Logged |
Like, right now, I'm eating s'mores. (Of course, Bob will need to pop in to tell you that Icarus and Cor have very stale Graham Crackers, some will be horribly jealous and others will tell you about what they are eating that is better.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
And then Tresopax will come and explain that eating is just another word for consumption and that you must, by definition, be eating sneakers made in Malaysia by small, underfed children who never get to eat McDonalds.
Posts: 2945 | Registered: Apr 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
And mention Troubs when you mean EG or any one of the other Aussies. This is sure to raise some hackles and get most of them to post.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
Post the wrong lesson #. This is guaranteed to garner at least one post pointing out your mistake.
Lesson #14
Use really bad speeling/grammer. This will bring about at least a half dozen self appointed grammar nazis.
Lesson # 15
Tell everyone that you have the last post, you killed the thread, or that you don't want anymore replies. This will bring out the oppositional hatrackers who feel the need to post anyway.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
If you really want a 30-page thread, insert the parenthetical :(a game): after your title. Examples:
Begging the Question (a game) Think of a Lyric (a game) Word Associations (a game) Abortion is evil (a game) George Bush sucks (a game) Boost Annie's Ego (a game) Is this Annie or Shakira? (a game)
posted
I feel so enlightened after reading this thread. I feel like maybe I could make a cool thread! Haha what was I thinking.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
EG- what if I like women who look like George Clooney? I'm finding this so informative. I am trying at this very moment to figure out how to present something I found droll. My only big thread was about homeschool, and it ended with a post so unbelievably bigotted that it died on the spot. Maybe I'll dig out the stinking, rotted carcass for Pat's erudite examination. I'll have to edit this if it turns out the thread was killed by one of the immortals, but it will lend purpose to my evening.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Avoid flirting with Kayla, then totally ignoring her. This will drive her crazy and she will ruin more than one of your threads. Just ask Jon Boy about this one.
It's true. That darn Kayla has it out for me now. She destroys my threads whenever she can.
Lesson #16: Register a username for the express purpose of spoofing someone else. Then start a dobie of a thread that person started. For example: "Hi. My name is Sharkey" and "Hi. My name is Snarky." This is sure to make everyone like and/or dislike you. If the target of the spoof is funny and well-liked, like my evil master Patrick the Great, then you will be well on your way to Hatrack fame.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Lesson #17: Once you've made sure that people like you, start a thread about how nobody likes you. Dozens of Hatrackers will flock to your aid to tell you how wonderful you are.
Lesson #18: Start a thread that allows people to compete with one another in a (somewhat) friendly way. For example, start a thread in which all of Hatrack's bachelors (or bachelorettes) can talk about themselves and strut their stuff. This will attract the attention of members of the opposite sex, who will then want to go out with you.
Lesson #19: Get engaged, preferably to a fellow Hatracker. This will guarantee pages upon pages of congratulations and grinning emoticons.
Posts: 9945 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Okay, I can't find a link, but there was a headline on people magazine that said "Kate Winslet and 4 other celebs to wed". Did that strike anyone else as funny, or only people from Utah?
That was my droll thing.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |