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Elizabeth suggested a support group. I think this is an excellent idea.
My daughter is 10 (11 in February), but alternates between being a moody, rebellious 16-year-old, a tantrum-throwing 6-year-old, and a helpful, mature 16-year-old. Guessing which version will respond at any given time is an exercise in futility.
How about the other parents of pre-adolescents?
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Rivka, since I am also teaching about fifty or so girls at this age, as well as parenting one, can we also include teachers of pre-teens who act like teenagers in our support group?
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You poor, poor thing! I'm not sure if the resources of this support group will be sufficient, but sure, we can include in-loco-parentis types. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Can the support group suggest the best mood stabilizer I can take for this situation, or should I just stick to the Yellowtail Shiraz that is on sale this week?
Edit: Dag, here goes the ultimate hex: May you have quadruplet girls, and may they begin puberty at the same time your wife goes into menopause.
[ September 12, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
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A nice bottle of wine sounds like an excellent choice. I found that a jaunt (one night last week) to a place near here that rents private jacuzzi suites by the hour was what I needed. (Truly tacky decor, but I didn't care much about that.)
I also find tapes from Love&Logic (specifically, Jim Fay) to be helpful.
[Edit: YIKES! Elizabeth, did he really deserve THAT?]
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Rivka, your daughter sounds very much like mine. Just turned 11 here and driving me completely batty. And just as I anticipate figuring her out at long last, the little sister will get HER turn! <shudder>
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Goody, No fear about learning from the older daughter. Your younger daughter will develop her own exasperating pre-teen mannerisms and stymie you all over again.
Riv, of course Daglet deserved it. Because, on the other hand, it would be awfully cute for him to have five little girls. I can hear him logically lecturing them when they are ten. They will disagree with him on something, and he will beat them down with lawyer words.
Or...will he?
It is sort of like the ultimate confrontation between super-heroes. Who will win, Logic Man, or Hormonal Preteen Almost-Woman?
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Heh, fair enough. The only pre-teen women I have to deal with are my nieces at irregular family gatherings, so I will concede to your superior knowledge.
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Please, everyone, keep your pre-teen daughters out of bikinis.
There were few more depressing episodes this summer as during the 8-10 year old weeks at camp when the girls were wearing bikinis.
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Nathan stymies me quite frequently. I like the idea of a support group, particularly if we get to debate the merits of hormones vs. logic. (giggle)
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Darn it all, Rivka! Now I either have to change quadruplets to quintuplets, or change four to five.
Dag, would you rather have four or five hormone-laden daughters in the future? It's your call.
Rivka, do you get the eye-roll, followed by the "I was NOT rolling my eyes,Mom!" followed by another eye-roll?
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You DO remember, don't you, Elizabeth, that the eye roll is merely designed to demonstrate to you exactly what they are not doing....?
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Yes, Shan. And how about that little ticking/clucking sound they make?
OK, so I was the queen of the "eye-roll-harumph-ticking sound combo" as a teen and pre-teen. Should I not have some advantage by knowing the tactics of my adversary?
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"Eve, there is something I would like to discuss. Elizabeth has decided that we should have either four or five girls, and that you should make sure you time their birth so that you are beginning menopause as they go into puberty. What do you think?"
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And I really don't know why you think being a great dad (which I am sure you will be ) will exempt you from s directed your way. *pat pat* You'll learn.
Liz, I get the occasional eye-roll, but more often it is the long-suffering sigh (sometimes with an eye-roll). I am clearly a great trial to her. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Muuuuuuuuuuuuuthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! (usually as she's on the phone with a friend and I'm trying to get her to do some housework to earn her Operation Snowball camping trip in the spring)
I couldn't possibly have been this much of a trial to my mom... could I? LOL
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My daughter is just like I was at her age. She is perfectly behaved for others, and attitudinal at home.
She refuses to work for me(I pay 10 cents per matched pair of scoks, 1 dollar per bucket of rocks from the garden, and a quarter a page of my dag-blasted multiplication fact sheets) but sat out in the hot sun for four hours on Saturday doing a carwash, and wanted to go to people's houses and clean their bathrooms.
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Elizabeth, I wish i would have gotten paid for grading homework, I graded my mom's spelling tests for three years, once a week. But it was fun.
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ha ha! Let's do it! Our Teenage-acting Pre-teens can go and talk about our failings in the other room, and bond.
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I have a 10 year old daughter that will be 11 in January and,just like you, rivka, she is making my head ache! She's always been ahead of schedule and preteen stuff is no exception. The thing that's really getting to me, though, isn't the rolling of the eyes or the sharp tongue, I'm used to that. What's really worrying me is that she's having these crying jags. She has told me that she gets really scary, destructive thoughts and then she gets scared and cries. I told her to write down these thoughts and that way she could contain them. Now she's writing me these notes filled with her thoughts and it's making me scared and crazy. I feel like it's the beginning of the hormonal shift, but I gotta tell ya--I'm more than a little unnerved. I thought I had this mom thing down better than I apparently do.
So far, I've been highly supportive of her, but she's exhausting me. HELP!
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Elizabeth, I am going on Vacation. I will NOT be bringing papers with me. (I probably should, but I won't!)
Jess, I found that this book (in combination with its companion guided diary) was really useful in helping my daughter better understand the changes she is and will be going through. Sometimes the scary feelings come (at least partly) from scary changes.
If you are seriously concerned, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist who specializes in teens and preteens might help. It's a scary time -- she may need a bit of guidance from someone who isn't Mom. *hug* Good luck!
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Thanks for all the good suggestions. Elizabeth, I haven't talked to a doctor or counselor (yet). The only problem she's really having at school right now involves some classmates harrassing her about her reading choices. She reads fantasy and it's outside the realm of Tolkien (she's already gotten through the Trilogy). The little trolls are telling her that she's evil and that what she is reading is evil. I had to call one parent already and I've already assured her that if the other one's continue, I'll call more parents.
The only other thing that I can think of that is a factor is that her two best friends are at a different school this year. I think that sort of unmoored her a bit.
The reason I'm sure there's nothing else going on is because Gina is one of those kids that tells all. My son holds everything back, but not Gina. She is only reticent around adults she doesn't know too well. It takes her a while to warm up to strange adults. I would love for her to talk to another adult, but she most likely won't open up to them.
Rivka, I will check out the book you recommended. I'm ready to do anything to help her through this time. If it does mean therapy, I'll do it. I do worry that she'd just clam up.
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Sorry Jess - the only thing I can suggest is to help her find an outlet for her frustrations.
Which I suspect is where the frustration she's experiencing is coming from. It doesn't take much from a person's peer group to wind up and aggravate a young person who hasn't developed defense mechanisms and coping abilities.
You can tell her she's the odd fish in a small pond but there is such a larger world out there with people who actually have imaginations.
quote: She reads fantasy and it's outside the realm of Tolkien (she's already gotten through the Trilogy). The little trolls are telling her that she's evil and that what she is reading is evil
Or you could just introduce them to me and I could kindly and gently show them the error of their ways.
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Jess, I teach fifth grade this year, and we are already having "issues." Most of the teachers just blow past them and send the kids to the counselor. I try like hack(this was a typo, but made me chuckle, as "like a hack" instead of "like heck" came to mind) to do at least a drive-by healing of rifts, and teach the kids how to work with each other. It is very hard, though.
A friend told me a great thing to say to my daughter, after my grandmother called her fat this summer. (GRRRR) She said, "Ask her what she would have wanted to happen in that situation." It sounds simple, but it made so much sense. (She is a therapisit) Even if her wish can't come true, she is getting it out there, and starting to find strategies.
[ September 14, 2004, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
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