posted
Single again. Well, I wasn't actually not single, but it was going to be. She waits till after we are engaged and she's pregnant to tell me all that she just got done telling me. All I could say was that I would like to make this work, but there was no way I could change her mind. Oh, she's still going to bring the kid to term, she's just going to give it up for adoption. Don't worry, I'll be back on the playground in no tinme. I have this habit of dealing with pit falls like this. I just brain dump the fact that it ever happened. I've done it before, I'll do it again.
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I'd do the ((((Stan)))) thing, but I don't know you that well, so let's say that [[[[Stan represents the masculine equivilant: I clap you on the shoulder, say "damn, that SUCKS!" and pay for your first six shots.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
As far as the baby is concerned. I work 5 - 7 days a week right now. My hours fluctuate on no notice. This is just for the next 3 years. After that I will be going out to sea for a few weeks or months. I don't see how I can be there for the kid. I would want too, but I can't devote the time it would require.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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"she's just going to give it up for adoption.'
"I don't see how I can be there for the kid... I can't devote the time it would require."
Birth control would have been a viable alternative.
Selfishness leads to another child living their life wondering they were unwanted by the birth mom and dad.
Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Krankykat: "she's just going to give it up for adoption.'
"I don't see how I can be there for the kid... I can't devote the time it would require."
Birth control would have been a viable alternative.
Selfishness leads to another child living their life wondering they were unwanted by the birth mom and dad.
Ah, compassion in hours of adversity is such a beautiful thing to see! So much better than using someone's misfortune as a soap box.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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The child was not unwanted at the time. We wanted it. Now that she is ending it, she doesn't. At least she's not aborting it. I'll check in some options and maybe take the kid, but I can't see how it'll work out.
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You have no concept of what he's going through right now, nor any knowledge of the events that have led to this point, yet you find it necessary to snipe at him about birth control, and lament the "unwanted" child's misfortune.
One day you'll find yourself in need of support and comfort and I hope that you're met with the same level of arrogance and condescension that you've shown here.
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I'm going in to get the ring back today. I'm going to see if maybe it's just that she's scared or if it's the hormones talking. Either way I'm going to let her know that the door is still open for her to come back...for a little while. Too much in life to waste waiting for one person who may never come.
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I suppose if one comes to a public forum for "support and comfort" they may become a "human target."
Call me arrogant, condescending and disgusting, but I have little sympathy adults who procreate and then decide the child is an inconvenience. A major responsibility comes when making babies. As a middle school teacher of many years I have seen too many children with major problems do to the selfishness of their "parents." Children need "support and comfort" most of all.
Stan: I honestly hope you work this situation out. I hope you both reconcile, get married and have a happy and productive life with wonderful children. I may be considered arrogant, condescending and disgusting, but I am trying to point out the reality of the situation as I see it. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Just about every adopted person I know feels incredibly wanted. Yes, they have some identity struggles, but they also have loving homes. (Obviously I can't speak for everyone--Krankykat, were you by any chance adopted and hence the strong feelings?) I don't really think that Stan's allowing the mother to put the child up for adoption is a selfish decision here. Would the child really have a better life without a mother and neglected by his/her father? I think it's the rare father who can be a good full-time single dad.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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That really sucks Stan. I hope you and her can work it out. Maybe she's worried that you will leave her some day and she's trying to prevent that by leaving you before it gets too serious. Girls are crazy that way.
It's a good idea to let her know that she can still come back to you, to reassure her that you won't leave when things get difficult. But, like you said, not for too long. After a while, waiting becomes more painful than it's worth.
If it does ultimately come to adoption, I am positive that you can find a good family to raise your child. The options are a lot better now. I'm sure you already know, but just in case, open adoption is an excellent option. It provides a much better opportunity for the child to develop a happy life with a good understanding of where he/she came from. In many cases you can remain in contact with the child, and work closely with the adopted parents on raising the child.
Anyways, like I said, I'm sure you already know about all of that, but, regardless of what anyone says, adoption does not have to be an entirely negative experience, nor one that you should feel guilty about. It is a viable option that gives couples that can't have children the most beautiful gift in the world.
krankykat: ditto what HumanTarget said.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
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I'm just not getting any clear reasons on why she is walking out. An then, today I get the ring back, and I don't even rank a goodbye. I asked if there was any way we could work this out and I got a very curt "no".
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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As a suprise factor, I'm not feeling too bad on this. Yeah, I'll miss her in a couple of days, but really, it's the bitterness that's keeping me from being all mushy upset about it. Not ranking a goodbye, and she gets upset because I didn't call for 2 days when I was home (she had already decided to end us before then, but didn't tell me). Imagine how my Father's day went, and then to now. I'll give her time, but I don't expect anything. I'm repeating myself I know.
KK, it's ok. I would agree completely with you. However, she told me one night she wanted a baby, and poof, one is conceived. Now she doesn't want to keep it because it will hinder her going to college. BS, for some part, but she refuses to listen to me. She actually ignores me.
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If I seemed to be using you for a whipping boy, I apologize. My remarks were intended to look at your situation in the bigger picture. If I was in your situation I would be devastated. I hope the best for you.
Stan - I'm glad you're taking this as well as you seem to be. I'm sure you'll do what you think is best for all concerned. I have faith in that.
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Stan, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I wish you the best of luck.
And I prefer being bitter to being mushy upset because it's more easily controllable. I hope it works out for you.
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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KK....right or wrong, I went too far there as well. I should have not gone off on you, even though I strongly disagreed with you bringing those points up at this time.
I am sorry.
I won't delete my previous point though, because I feel that would be dishonest of me. If you would , and for that I am sorryprefer I remove it, I will, of course, but barring that it will stay.
I have had some personal experiences with people "trying" to help by saying insensitive things to me at exactly the wrong time, so that is part of why I overreated. It made me angry far out of proportion, I guess.
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Stan, that sucks. I hope you get come through this well. Bad stuff going on. I was going to suggest couples counseling, but it doesn't sound like she has much interest. I hope you have a good support network around you.
Other people: Come on. This is a person having a hard time of things. Start another thread if you want to debate.
Where's your perspective? Real person's feelings vs. abstract debate. Pick a side.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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I have to drop off a cd of hers that is still in my truck today. I'm going to try again. I went out last night and for all my "I'll be right back on my feet", everyone knew something wasn't right.
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Well, if there is anything positive in this at all, it might be that at least the break-up is happening before more factors are brought into the picture.
I mean, when I got pregnant, I got married even though I had grave reservations about doing so, and it was rocky all the way through. But we had two MORE kids (three total) before everything totally broke down and the marriage collapsed.
While I can't imagine life without my three wonderful kids now -- I know there were times past that I wondered if it would have been smarter to have called the whole thing off before the marriage, and been the single parent of ONE child, than to try to force it to work and ended up being the single parent of three.
posted
I dropped some more of her stuff off tonight. We are back to speaking. Well, better put would be she is back to speaking with me. We decided that we would try to give it another chance. See how things work out. I still think her pregnancy has a lot to do with how she's acting, but after our talk tonight she agreed that I deserve an honest chance at a shot of making things work out between us.
I couldn't believe it today. I was in Mass. on my way to Connecticut (moving into new place, that we picked out) and I had the radio tuned into an 80's station. I was almost completely in tears after two of the songs they played. I pulled out of it quick, but I was trying to avoid that whole thing.
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Good luck, Stan. I know you probably don't want to push your luck at this point, but do try to get her to tell you what was going on, and why she wanted to break up. That kind of behavior is not something you want to just ignore.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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She's on a probationary period right now because she doesn't always tell the truth over the phone. Oh, I let her know how I felt about that. She knows the sacrifices I have made so far for her and she has apologized about how it all has turned up with that. She still needs to grow up a bit and learn that she too has to make a sacrifice here and there in life.
I hope it works out, yes. However, if it doesn't there is a nice girl in RI that would like to meet me. I'm afraid that I have to turn down her request for the time being. When I asked my exfiance for an honest chance at us, I expect myself to give her that as well.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Stan...I would wait on that, even if it doesn't work out with your girlfriend now. I know that you want to "pretend it didn't happen" so to speak, but no one can be ready to move on so quickly....not completely.
Any new person you get involved with is going to have to deal wiht a lot of baggage, even if you don't realize it now. Let time pass, and heal a bit.
Any new girl you would get involved with deserves at least that much respect..as do you yourself.
Best of luck, and I agree with ELJay-find out, as best you can, WHY she went off like that.
Also, don't let her see that "probationary" comment.
As far as her reading any comments on this board...I have no fear. Besides the fact that she does not have a membership to this board. She won't bother because the lettering is too small for her to want to, and there are too many of them. She would close it as soon as she opened it.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote: Now she doesn't want to keep it because it will hinder her going to college. BS, for some part, but she refuses to listen to me. She actually ignores me.
So it's acceptable for you to decide a child wouldn't fit in your life right now, but when she is looking out for her future, it's BS?
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Stan, I'm happy to hear that things look better. I would re-suggest the couples counseling. Having someone outside the relationship help you communicate better with one another can make a huge difference.
Good luck. I hope it works out for the best.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Jeni. Let me make things a bit clearer for you then. She wants to give baby up for adoption because it would get "in the way" of her getting her college stuff and a real job. She wasn't really going to leave me much choice. Mind you, all she really has to do is list "unkown" for the father. 'Course if she had given me an earlier shot at what we are doing now, this debate wouldn't really be here. She mixed that all in the original reasons she was leaving me. In which she was/is just scared. She doesn't believe she can have a job and go to college with the kid around. It's very possible to do so. One of the guys I used to work with, his wife does that.
MC, I would go for something like that. However, I am moving to CT tonight. She's staying in NY. I will be calling and driving back whenever I can. Which will end up being a weekend here and there.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Nevermind, she's not sure about it right now. we are going to wait and then see about trying again. I'm reading a no in this. I talked to her today, she says she contemplated letting me take care of the child. However, she doesn't want it growing up with a dad and mother split up like this. So she wants me to sign my rights over. I told her to give me time to think about it.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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For this to have any chance, you have to phrase it as a suggestion/request, not an ultimatum. But if you're sure you don't want to try to raise the child by yourself, you could try asking her to give couple's counseling an honest try, and say that if after a set amount of time it's still not working out you'll agree to sign your rights over. You can't make it a "the only way I'll sign my rights over is if you'll do this" thing, though, because I don't think the counseling would do any good if she feels like she's blackmailed into being there.
*note: my opinion only, and I don't have any education on the subject, if someone who does comes in and says it's a bad idea anyway, I'll happily defer to them.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Wow, that's tough. I don't know how I'd feel about signing away my rights to a child that I helped create. I know it's her body and all, but that doesn't make the child her possession. I dunno, I guess I just can't jive with the whole I-don't-want-to-raise-it-and-I-don't-want-you-to-either attitude. It seems like if the child is going to be born and one parent doesn't want to raise it, it is completely w/in the rights of the other parents to take control.
I dunno, not being in your shoes, I obviously don't know the exact situation, but still... I don't think I could do it.
As far as a trade of is concerned (you go to counseling with me and I'll sign my rights away), it seems like a dishonest person could use this to get what they wanted with no intent to make good use of counseling. I don't know the girl in question, so I'm not accusing anyone, just throwing out a possibility.
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Yeah, that's why I said to only do it if he decided and was sure he didn't want to raise the child on his own, because it's not a sure thing.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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My friend Matt is willing to help me where he can. I swear, if he wasn't around these past few days, I'd have gone nuts.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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If it were me, I'd be comatose at the bottom of an economy size bottle of Maker's Mark by now. You are obviously much stronger than I am.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
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