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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Discussions About Orson Scott Card » Funniest moments in OSC literature! (a spoiler-rich thread, of course) (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Funniest moments in OSC literature! (a spoiler-rich thread, of course)
Treason
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And, who could forget...
"I love your butt. Let me kiss it." --Bernard


I forgot about that!
[ROFL]

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Treason
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I just remembered another one. It's from Lovelock so I don't know if it was OSC that came up with it or Kathy Kidd but:

"Carol Jeanne wouldn't have appreciated it if I compared Mamie to a dog marking it's territory, so I kept that observation to myself. Besides, the comparison wasn't really fair. Among dogs it's not the bitches that do the marking." Ha!

There was also a "Nintendo Hoverboy" that cracked me up.

and this: "We saw the monkey again today and stole banannas for him and he put a bannana in Peter's pants which looked really stupid from behind, like he had dumped a load in his underwear, but he never has a sense of humor about his own personal appearance so I only mentioned it a couple of times."
*chuckle*

and Odie Lee's "display" killed me.

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lego feet
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quote:
Originally posted by Daric:
I'd have to say from Issue 3 of Ultimate Iron Man:

"Don't act like you know anything about me just because I'm black."
"I know you like watermelon, can dance funky, and can slam dunk a basketball."

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA, you cannot be serious! I am in tears right now. Does anyone have a scan or a screenshot of this line from the comic? That is hilarious.
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Dannighe
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Pretty much anything that Puck says in Magic Street made me laugh, particularily the part where they are trying to determine if Puck is lying, the whole circular logic had me laughing as my wife was trying to sleep.
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cagreat1
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come on guys no one thought that the first "family" scene from Speaker for the Dead was funny? I'm talking about the one where Grego has this huge smile on his face as he pees in Ender's lap. The other people in the room are appaled and disgusted, but Ender just smiles and says thank you.
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mackillian
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Magic Street is the ebook I'm currently reading on my PDA (I tend to get stuck waiting a lot, so I've got nice reading stored up always at the ready). Yesterday, I burst out laughing at my doctor's office. Laughed so hard I had tears, though this has somewhat to do with my friends and myself. But that part, where Puck and the motorcycle chick have that moment where they keep flipping each other off...it was great. [Big Grin]

Thinking about all of OSC's writing, though, so much of it is dry. The banter between the characters and such. Abilities to put a humorous twist to a conversation seem to infuse the characters and/or the narrator. Makes the books great fun to read. [Smile]

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tmservo
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Some of the funnier moments..

The opening conversation between Peter & Wang Mu in "Children of the Mind" had some great jabs..

But the line I always think of when I think "funny" and OSC comes from a website review this year:

-------
But no. Advertisers don't want country people or people over forty. What can you sell them? Serutan? Geritol? Cinderblocks to put your cars on in your front yard?
-------

The moment I read that I damn near did a spit take.

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Jeni
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I found the whole bit where Ender can't get his holdings to stop listing in Investment Counselor very amusing. Also some of his first exchanges with Jane.
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Javert
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OK...how could no one mention Ender's showdown with Grego?

"Grego just gave me a present, and because he made it himself it was very special. I don't think I'll ever let him go."

Or something to that effect. COMIC GOLD!

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JennaDean
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[Big Grin] thanks for bumping this thread, I've never read it.
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vonk
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One of my favorite exchanges was from Crystal City, IIRC. Something along the lines of:

Alvin - We're gonna damn the Mississippi River.

Arthur Stuart - Well damn that river all to hell!

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DDDaysh
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There are several parts of most of the books that are down right hillarious, but alot of them are very bittersweet. One of my favorites though is in Earthborn when Edhadeya is talking about sneaking back into "Rasaro's House" even though Shedemei forbade her too until she had more life experience. Chebeya asks Edhadeya why she didn't do what Shedemei had said and Edhadeya says something to the effect of "Because I happen to think that sneaking into the school with out Shedemei finding out is a very good experience."
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Will B
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For me, OSC is rarely knee-slapping funny, but then he's not a humor writer. But Lovelock's comments about the people at the church had me laughing out loud.
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DDDaysh
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I came across another one just today. In Alvin Journyman Calvin is talking to the captain of the boat trying NOT to sound backwards. The captain says "touche" and then tells him it's a fencing term, and Calvin says he must have built ten miles of fence in his life and hadn't heard it.
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Gwen
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The scene between Sister Carlotta and Anton in "The Garden of Sofia" in Ender's Shadow..."Male and female he created them. Making his image anatomically vague, one must suppose."
Actually most conversations with Sister Carlotta in them...and most conversations about Bean, without him present.
The part where Bean walks in on Graff and Dimak and Dap arguing, so that he can get supplies for Dragon Army: pretty much the whole scene. When Bean decides he's not going to be polite anymore, he's hilarious.

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Edgehopper
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I'm a big fan of:

SftD: Olhado's reaction when Ender wins the war game (paraphrase because I don't have it on me): "I thought you were some kind of priest--where'd you learn tactics?"

Shadow of the Hegemon: Pretty much any dialogue between Peter and his parents. Particularly (again paraphrase):

Theresa: "I know you're the Hegemon and should get the best room, but then, we're not that likely to walk in on you making love."
Peter: (grumbling) "Don't count on it."
Theresa: "Don't worry, we'll knock first."

In Alvin Journeyman:

Arthur Stuart: "Why don't you just marry him? You'd make real cute babies. Pa said that."

In Crystal City (I'm a law student):

Lincoln: "That was some real nice lawyering, wasn't it, Coz? Though whenever a lawyer claims not to be a lawyer, that's got to be an improvement for humanity."

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Szymon
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Gathering all Queens on one planet to let humans win faster, that was funny:)
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tanman1975
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My funniest OSC passage:

"Another oral exam, huh?", Peter said.

"Shut up, Peter," said Valentine.

"You should relax and enjoy it," said Peter. "It could be worse."

"I don't know how."

"It could be an anal exam."

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Avery Good Schreibner
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Funny, I didn't think they were funny, although, in retrospect, I think they were inteneded to be funny. I can only duscuss funny moments in the Alvin Maker series. I thought Seventh Son was an especially good book. I did think it was funny when little Alvin had to use the outhouse and found it was occupied. For me, though, it was a change of pace in the story like walking into a tree on a starless/moonless night. Earlier, there was the introduction of the unmaker, the arduous trip across Native territory, fearful labor, death of a son, and serious premonitions of the young Miss Larner. It's been a while, but I think after that there were more scary events, and then the sisters put pins in Alvin's nightshirt and he has to pee. I know peeing happens, but ... I am not sure why I needed to know Alvin pees. Maybe I should go back and re-read it. Am I blind? [Cool]
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Sean Monahan
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"I'm a slave of a slave of the Heptarch, which puts me so far above you, you're unworthy to inhale one of my farts."

--writing from memory, may not be word for word.

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Javert
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Quara: Listen, you! I don't care what kind of superbrain you used to be, you just stay out of family conversations, do you hear?

Miro: Look around, Quara! If she stayed out of family conversations, when could she talk?

Firequencher: (Raising his hand.) I've been staying out of family conversations. Do I get credit for that?

Definite laugh out loud moment. Also went very far to showing the piggies as people. Another great Firequencher line was: "Don't look at me, I'm just a tourist."

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DDDaysh
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In "The Memory of Earth"

Sevet - "Mother, you're being impossible"

Rasa - "I am never impossible, my dear. The most I ever allow myself to be is somewhat improbable."

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oolung
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Does anyone remember the 'romantic' lines of Christopher Columbus (the scenes with Beatrice) in the Pastwatch? I don't know exactly how it went, but they were hilarious.

There were also some very funny scenes with Valentine and her husband in the Xenocide during their journey to Lusitania, when thery tried to find some privacy [Big Grin]

And the banter between Peter and Val when they were children. There was something like: "thet's pretty good fot two kids with three pubic hairs to share"

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Orincoro
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There is always the: "Where can I find a hoe?" from Children of the Mind (Much funnier in the audio version, were Rudnicki says it with a little almost chuckle. [Big Grin]


Hands down:


"Bean had never done it with a smooth shaft." Right out of context. Likin' it. Lovin' it.

Then there is the constant: "Ho Ender," to which I always silently reply "You's the ho!"

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MyrddinFyre
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Alvin Journeyman- The scene with Miss Franker and the lizard in the courtroom.

The line, "You shock me, you hurt me, you offend me, I challenge you to a duel and then take sick with pneumonia so that I can’t meet you"

Heartfire-
quote:
“It’s Verily who’s about ready to explode,” said Mike.
“Verily?” asked Alvin, surprised. Verily Cooper hardly ever showed his temper.
“Yeah, he drummed his fingers on the table at lunch and on the porch he snatched a fly right out of the air and threw it at the house so hard it broke a window.”
“He did?” asked Arthur Stuart, in awe.
“I said so, didn’t I?” said Mike Fink.
“Oh, yeah, I forgot who was talking,” said Arthur.

and the lines “English is the stupidest language on Earth. Except for German, and it is not a language, it is a head cold.”

“Of course I am French! Who would hire an English cook?”

“Do not shout at me, Mr. Quill,” said John. “Justice may be blind, but she is not deaf.”

“…And I am ready now with my ruling on the motion.”
“But you haven’t questioned Alvin Smith!”
“All right,” said John. “Mr. Smith, how are you today?”
(That line, and that whole scene, had me grinning from ear to ear!)

Crystal City -

“And this is all my own money!” Coz said.
Abe nodded gravely. “It is, my friend, at least until another girl makes big-eyes at you.”

“Come on, let’s eat,” said Arthur Stuart. “All this talkin’ don’t fill me up much.”
And that being the most honest and sensible thing that had been said that half hour, they all agreed to it and followed their noses till they found a place that sold food that was mostly dead, didn’t have too many legs, wasn’t poisonous when alive, and seemed cooked enough to eat. Not an easy search in Barcy.

aaaaand "They sent succubi and incubi abroad in Barcy--- as if it took magic to make folks in Barcy get humpty thoughts."

I keep a "favorite quotes" document of everything I read [Big Grin] . My Alvin Maker ones are the only ones I could find on my laptop, I had an awful lot from Lovelock and Enchantment and Ender Series and... ok, everything. Hmm, and if there's a problem with directly quoting so much copyrighted material, someone please let me know! I'm never sure about these things.

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JennaDean
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quote:
The line, "You shock me, you hurt me, you offend me, I challenge you to a duel and then take sick with pneumonia so that I can’t meet you"
That one's great! I don't remember it. Where is it?
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Edgehopper
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JennaDean - It's in Heartfire. Balzac to Calvin in one of the earlier chapters.
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Cabra
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New here, figure this is as good a time as any for a first post. Just finished re-reading Children of the Mind and there are two quotes I liked

(between Miro and Young-Val)

quote:
"This is the moment in all the videos when the couple that were screaming at each other suddenly look into each other's eyes and embrace each other and laugh at their anger and then kiss each other."

"Yeah, well, that's the videos," said Val. "If you lay a hand on me I'll ram your testicles so far up inside your abdomen it'll take a surgeon to get them out."

(and between Miro and Jane-Val)

quote:
"This emotion I'm feeling now, this is love, right?"

"I don't know. Is it a longing? Is it a giddy stupid happiness just because you're with me?"

"Yes," she said.

"That's influenza," said Miro. "Watch for nausea or diarrhea within a few hours."

Also the scene in Treasure Box when Quentin starts to make moves on Madeline and she runs from the room screaming, calling him a pervert. Then later when they talk things out and talk about which... guides they read so they wouldn't be so bad. (At least it was funny at the time when it wasn't so creepy)

The scene in Treason where Lanik visits the tree-city disguised as a woman and he has to figure out how to take care of his business without revealing that he's actually a guy.

Then I got a chuckle out of most of Magic Street and basically anything that came out of Arthur Stuart's mouth

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Kenif
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"Let's play buggers and astronauts"
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Orson Scott Card
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MyrddinFyre - no problem with quoting in this context. These are all reviews, and therefore entitled to quote short passages.

Also, you're enjoying stuff in my books. I would be insane to complain.

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Jeesh
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Arthur Stuart in Alvin Journeyman, when Peggy and Alvin are arguing.

"You'd have damn cute babies. Pa said that"

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Nathan2006
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I loved in COTM (I think) Where Peter and What's her face (Wang mu, or something) Are meeting with the philosopher.

'The pig covered in mud basks in the sun on a rock.' <Paraphrase>

And, I loved Shedemi in Earthborn when she's on trial.

'Now, it is clear.'

Some other funny moments, other people already took (Stole) from me. :~( LOL

I think that all of OSC's books have a dry humor to them.

Oh!!! I forgot! I loved Baba Yaga in the airport! I laughed sooooo hard!

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Libbie
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I thought most of Seventh Son was pretty amusing, being written (frequently) from the point of view of a little frontier kid and with that great, twangy, dialect-y voice. However, I have to say that I really liked the scene in "Teacher's Pest" where John-Paul orders a steady stream of take-out and plastic forks to win Teresa's love. The part about the burritos still being in the trash if she wanted them was great. It reminded me of something my own husband would do if he wanted to cheer me up. Nerdy, smart men are so adorably awkward when it comes to things like that.
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DDDaysh
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Now don't make the rest of us jealous, there just aren't enough John Paul's to go around you know! ;-)
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Cyronist
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I laughed out loud when in The Crystal City Alvin says "Get your own half-black adopted brother-in-law to beat,"

And when Abe says "... You know when Coz is thinking it takes up his whole body -unless he's got gas-..."

[ August 30, 2006, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Cyronist ]

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Sm34rZ
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I laughed at the part in Enchantment when it talks about how Baba Yaga was collecting the credit cards and such and when she finally boards the plane she gives one of the "prettier" ones to the guy behind the desk... but not without cursing it (him) with diareah. "She was, after all, Baba Yaga and there were certain things to be expected."
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Sterling
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The second Shadow book, where Hot Soup tells his superiors in carefully couched diplomatic language that they're a bunch of idiots who've painted themselves and him into a corner.
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Libbie
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quote:
Originally posted by DDDaysh:
Now don't make the rest of us jealous, there just aren't enough John Paul's to go around you know! ;-)

Hey, they're all out there, you just have to look. In basements and comic book shops, mostly. I found mine on the internet. [ROFL]

You know, his only fault is that I can't get him to read OSC. I don't know why he resists my literary recommendations. Maybe because he sees me reading A Song of Ice and Fire, and it's already huge and is getting bigger. He's a Conan kind of guy - short and sweet. I think he assumes that everything I read must be epic and gigantic.

I have exposed him to snippets of Ender's Game on audio during commutes, and he admitted that it was interesting. But then he called the big twist ending and totally ruined the surprise for himself. Also, somebody somewhere told him that Ender's Game is "Mormons in space," which would be totally awesome, but it's not that at all. So now he's hesitant to read it because he thinks it's all fraught with religious commentary.

Now I'm working on him with Wyrms. "It's got awesome, preserved, talking heads...LIKE IN FUTURAMA!" I might get him to relent on Wyrms.


Anyway, back to the topic:

____________________________________

More funny moments from OSC books: Just about anything that passes between Rebekah and Laban. They're so authentic as siblings. It reminds me of how my mom and her brothers talk to each other...still...in their 50s! Their teasing is really funny, but you can also feel the love. It's great.

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Blayne Bradley
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this thread is like travelling back in time.
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Orson Scott Card
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Mormons won't be in space. We'll be on earth, selling tickets, making babies, and buying real estate. Later, we'll send missionaries.
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BlueWizard
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I did a quick scan and didn't find this one. I love the exchanges between Peter, who is struggling so hard against the traits Ender has given him, and Wang Mu, who is totally out of her element.

I don't have my books handy, so this will be greatly paraphrased, but I like Wang Mu's sarcastic humor.

After Wang Mu decides to join Peter, and they leave in the 'box', Peter and Wang Mu are talking and Peter asks something to the effect 'Do you know how this box works?"

To which Wang Mu replies, 'Apparently one sit in it and is spoken to rudely by strangers'.

I love that line.

Steve/bboyminn

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Libbie
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quote:
Originally posted by Orson Scott Card:
Mormons won't be in space. We'll be on earth, selling tickets, making babies, and buying real estate. Later, we'll send missionaries.

Man, you are on fire tonight. Did you ever do stand-up?
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Rawr
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I love the part in The Crystal City, I think, when Calvin is escaping from the the Mexican city and sees Alvin and the tohers holding hands. He laughs at that and everything until he realizes how much faster they're going and he's about to be caught.

Obviously, it's no where near funny when I say it, but how OSC writes it is hilarious.

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Itsame
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"'Is it really important to shoot the messenger?' 'When the messenger won't tell you what the hell the message is, my trigger finger gets twitchy'" - Ender's Shadow
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RunningBear
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Ah, futurama...

Now we know where OSC gets his ideas!

he looks into the future and picks ideas off of animated comedy shows.

Ill bet a donut that Empire ends up revolving around a balding yellow donut lover who works at a Nucular Power plant.

If I lose, you can buy a donut, and feel good in donating a donut to a poor bet-maker, who gave it to you mentally.

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Rawr
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Which would explain the talking heads in Wyrms, as well...
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happysmiley
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in shadow of the giant i think when they have a reunion for the battle schoolers and either dink or carn says "wiwl de name a pwanet aftah us?" and pretty much that whole meeting, especialy w/ Graff trying to get them to call him by his first name.
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BandoCommando
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quote:
Originally posted by JonHecht:
"'Is it really important to shoot the messenger?' 'When the messenger won't tell you what the hell the message is, my trigger finger gets twitchy'" - Ender's Shadow

I, too, love this line.
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Loki
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From Treason

"We call her "Stump"

From Lovelock

Everything. Sure would be nice to see that next book in the trilogy...

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Ecthalion
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I thought most of the emails that came before the chapters were funny. But definately the conversation about eros was the funniest.
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