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Author Topic: jokes
Nathan2006
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Two men walk into a bar... And the third one ducks.
________________________________________________________________________________________________


Once, a long time ago, a small monestary was in
debt, and was about to be closed down.
The friars then decided to open a flower shop.

Everybody loved buying the judiciously priced
flowers from the friendly friars.

One by one, all of the other flower shops closed
down until only one other remained.
The owner begged the friars to close down their
shop, for he would soon go out of business.

The friars explained to him that this money would
help the poor, and that as friars, they could
not close down this shop; they were doing the
Lord's work.

The man went back to his shop, and asked his
dying mother to go to the friar's shop and beg
for them to close it down.

Once again, the friars turned them down.

Finally, the owner of the rival shop hired Hugh,
the meanest, toughest, and most criminally-
inclined man in the town, to beat up the friars.

Hugh went to the shop and left it in ruins,
telling them "Next time you won't be so lucky!"
and the friars closed it down.

This proves that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two cotton bol weavels were in a cotton field.
One went to hollywood and became a rich, famous
movie star. The other stayed in the field and sat
there and got fat. He was the lesser of two
weevels.

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solo
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art

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comp_u_geek
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quote:
Originally posted by solo:
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

Art

[ROFL] I havn't heard that one!!! [ROFL]
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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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Q :How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?.
A : How many can you afford?.

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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Q: What's wrong with this picture? There are 5 lawyers in a Suburban SUV and they are about to drive off of a cliff.
A: A Suburban seats 8.

Sorry Dag.

[ June 09, 2006, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Flaming Toad on a Stick ]

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have Mesothelioma (asbestos lung cancer), and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy: Thank God.
I was afraid I had cancer!

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vonk
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Q: How do you get a baby out of a blender?

A: A straw.

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Lucky_Sean
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uh oh not the dead baby jokes, once those are out there is no turning back
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Nathan2006
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What is red and green and goes round and round at a hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

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Nathan2006
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Why does piglet stink?

'Cause he plays with Pooh.

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Dr. Evil
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A mushroom walks into a bar and sits down on a stool. the bartender looks at him and says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy!" (Don't make me explian it) :-)

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Dr. Evil
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A frog goes into a bank and he wants to borrow some money. He sits down at he desk of one Patricia Wack and proceeds to fill out the paperwork. She looks it over and says "Ok, Mr. Frog, the paperwork is in order but what do you have to give as collateral on this loan?" The frog whips out a glass bell from his extensive collection of glass bells and says "This glass bell has been sitting on my shelf for a long time and I think it will do." Ms. Wack stares at it and says "I am going to have to check with my manager on this one."

She walk into the manager's office, puts the bell on his desk and shows him the Frog's paperwork. The manager snorts, nods his head and says "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan".

So bad it is memorable.

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Artemisia Tridentata
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The guy is visiting the Zoo. He sees a sign that says "Beware the Llama spits." He was!
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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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Took me a while to get that, but it's all good.

I'm not really one for racist jokes(being at the butt-end of so many), but here it goes

What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot!


You f***ing racist! [ROFL]

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RunningBear
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I donít get the llama joke...

Anyways,


This man is traveling through china on his pilgrimage, and every night he stays in a different house, and the residents allow him free board because he is on a holy voyage.

One day, the man arrives at a house shortly before dusk, and asks the resident, a monk, if he can stay the night. The monk says of course, but he must not touch the plum tree in his courtyard, and if he does, he will undergo the three forms of Chinese torture. The man says all right and goes upstairs and looks outside the window next to his bed and sees a plum tree sitting in an ornate square in the middle of a courtyard. He pays no mind to it because he has seen thousands of plum trees in his months of traveling. He lies down on his bed, and immediately falls asleep.

That night, as the moon shines in through his window, it wakes him up, and he cannot get back to sleep. He looks outside at the plum tree and begins to wonder about its significance, and why the monk was so protective of it. He heads down into the courtyard and meditates on the subject, but cannot reach an answer, still curious, he heads upstairs and goes to sleep.

The next morning, as he thanks the monk and leaves, he gets one last glance of the plum tree. Walking away, he wonders once again about the tree. That day, as he is traveling along the river, and has not seen any houses for quite a while, he comes to the bridge he planned to cross, but it has been washed out due to the monsoon season. Already workers are constructing a makeshift bridge, but it will not be ready till the next day. Sighing resignedly, he heads back to he monk's house and asks if he can stay the night, the monk says of course, but you must not touch the plum tree or... "I know" says the man, tired and sore, and thanks the monk and goes upstairs to sleep.

Once again he is woken by the moonlight, and once again is overcome by curiosity, and heads down to the courtyard. This time, however he has had a days walk to think about the tree and cannot resist grabbing a plum and eating it. Looking around, and seeing no movement, he spits out the pit, disappointed. It tasted no different than any other plum he had ever had. Dejected, he heads upstairs and falls asleep.

That morning, he wakes up to find a large rock on his chest, weighing about fifteen pounds with a card stating CHINESE TORTURE #1: Large Rock on Chest. Thinking that isnít too bad he uses all his strength to push the rock out the window, and as he does he sees another card on the windowsill stating CHINESE TORTURE #2: Rock Tied to Left Nut. Panicking, the man leaps out the window after the rock, and as he falls he sees another card on the ground, CHINESE TORTURE #3:Right Nut Tied to Bedpost.

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CRash
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Llama joke: try substituting "Be where" for "Beware".

*

In a hospital waiting room, four expectant fathers waited while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

In a little while, the nurse returned and turned to the second man. "Your wife just had beautiful triplets."

"That's an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time she turned to the third man, announcing that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. "Is this another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

When he regained his composure, he shouted, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After hearing this, everyone's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, he was whispering the same phrase over and over again.

"I never should've taken that job at 31 Flavors... I never should've taken that job at 31 Flavors... I never should've taken that job at 31 Flavors..."

[ May 06, 2006, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: CRash ]

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Deceased House
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Ok ill try one.

Three guys were wandering through the South American jungle when they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. They told the men that if they wanted to live, they must go into the woods and bring back 10 of any fruit they wish. The men looking around, noticed all the many fruits in the jungle, and thought to them selves "HELL YEAH", and went out to collect their fruit.

The first man came back about 10 minutes later carrying 10 apples. The cannibals then told him that if he wanted to live he must take those 10 fruit and stuff them in his a**, and if he made one gesture, no matter what kind, they would kill him. If not, he could go free.

So the man dropped his pants and proceeded to do the task in which he was assigned.
1...2......3......4...5...6, then the man screamed out in pain and the cannibals killed him and ate him.

The second man came back a few minutes later, this time with 10 berries. The cannibals told him he had the same offer, and so he accepted. He bent over an began his task 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9...and the man broke out in a hysterical laughter, and the cannibals killed him and ate him.


Moments later, in heaven, the first guy was talking to the second guy, and asked "you were doing so well, why did you laugh?"

To this the second guy answered "well as I was bent over I noticed the other guy with his fruit"

First guy: "yeah but why did you start to laugh?"
Second Guy: "well he was carrying pineapples"

[ May 09, 2006, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Deceased House ]

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Deceased House
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No grammar issues please, I have to get to class, i'm late.
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Deceased House
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Im guessing it wasnt all that funny.
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Lisa
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A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.
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Lisa
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A grilled cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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Lisa
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Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Bill Gates recently declared darkness to be the industry standard.

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Lisa
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Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he'd like a beer. Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.
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Lisa
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Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the monkey.

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MightyCow
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What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?


God damnit! Where's my tractor!


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interruptin...
MOO!

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comp_u_geek
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ok this isn't really a joke but i think it's funny...

There are approximately two billion children (people under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in 001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

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comp_u_geek
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this IS a joke...

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a

particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they

spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was

difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota

and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following

day. The husband checked

into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an

email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and

without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory

following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting

messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's

son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the

computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here

now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just

arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared

for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your

journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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What do you get when you impale a toad on a stick and roast him over a campfire?

Answer: A person that everybody laughs at.

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Kit the Odd
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Q: What do you call and arm and a leg on the wall?

A: Pieces of Art.


(see solo's, 2nd from the top, if you don't get it.)

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RunningBear
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Why was the inkdrop sad?


His dad was in the pen and he didnt know how long the sentence would be.

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Mazer
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Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns?

A. Because they taste funny.


Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.


Q. How much did the Pirate pay for his body piercings?

A. A buck an ear.


There was an indian tribe that had three squaws all expecting births around the same time. The first squaw went into labor and they had her give birth on a horsehide. She had a bouncing baby boy. Then the second squaw went into labor and gave birth upon a buffalo hide. She had a baby girl. The last squaw went into labor, and the tribe had no birthing hides left except for an old hippopotamus hide brought over by European explorers. The last squaw gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

So the moral to the story is:

The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

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Kit the Odd
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Mazer, that is just wrong. I like it.


Then there's the story of the super-cheap toilet paper getting a name. They decided on "John Wayne Toilet Paper".

Because it was rough, tough, and didn't take crap off of anyone!

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mgerb
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Monkeys make everything funny...


Why did the monkey cross the road?

He was stuck to the chicken.
_________________________________________________

How do you kill a blue monkey?

With a blue monkey gun.

How do you kill a red monkey?

With a red monkey gun.

How do you kill a green monkey?

With a green monkey gun.

How do you kill a yellow monkey?

Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue monkey gun.
_________________________________________________

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the dead monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?


Peer Pressure

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xray
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Q: what is the difference between a vampire and a lawer?

A: you have to pay the lawer to suck your blood


-Xray

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Soara
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

Its butt.

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Noemon
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quote:
Originally posted by mgerb:
How do you kill a yellow monkey?

Hold its nose until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue monkey gun.

Wouldn't you actually need a green monkey gun for this one?
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Jeesh
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A man opened a fruit stand in a market

One day a girl came and saw some bananas.

"How much are the bananas?"

"25 cents"

"Are they fresh?"

"Yes, yes, very fresh"

"Are they on sale?"

"Not today, maybe tomorrow"

The girl left. The next day a boy came. He saw some apples he liked.

"How much are the apples?"

"25 cents"

"Are they fresh?"

"Yes, yes, very fresh"

"Are they on sale?"

"Not today, maybe tomorrow"

The boy left. Later that night a robber came.

"Give me all your money!"

"25 cents"

"Are you trying to get fresh with me?"

"Yes, yes, very fresh"

"Do you want to die?"

"Not today, maybe tomorrow"

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Sm34rZ
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OK, this guy looking like a total pirate walks into a bar and orders a bite to eat. A man sitting next to him looks him up and down and notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for his right hand and an eye-patch.

"Wow" says the man, "You seem like you've been through a lot!"

"Aye, matey that I have." Said the pirate.

"How'd you get that peg leg?"

"On me maiden voyage we came across a viking vessel and it turned into a battle on the high seas. I fought the captain of the ship and ran him through, but not before he lopped of me leg with his ax!"

"Wow! How about that hook you got there?"

"On the first day of the seventh month we was ambushed by a spanish fleet. We fought brave and hard and prevailed, but I lost me hand to a spanish blade."

"Gosh! So... why do you wear an eye patch?"

The pirate kind of looks embaressed and mutters, "a parrot pooped in me eye."

"What? Are you telling me that you lost your eye to bird poop?

"... t'was me first day with the hook."

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RunningBear
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on the topic of pirates,

a pirate walks into a bar, with a ship's wheel as a belt buckle, and he is knocking everything over, and can barely get to the bar. When he sits down, the bartender asks him "why do you have that wheel on your belt? isnt it a hassle?", "Yargh" The pirate replies, "it drives me nuts"

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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What do you call an inapropriate, useless bump?

Seriously, I want to know.

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King of Men
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How do you sink a Swedish submarine?

Swim down and knock on the hatch.

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Larfoutloud
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What's the difference between a duck?

One of it's legs is alike.

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RunningBear
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I thought it was "One leg is similar"
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cmc
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Should I admit that I don't get that one??
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RunningBear
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it is an exercise in fallacy.
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cmc
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I am definitely fallible... Can you help me get it?
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Artemisia Tridentata
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The passing man spoke to the woman standing on her porch. "Lady, how's your dog! So she did.
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RunningBear
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I believe the trick is that it is not understandable, and is there simply to confuse people.
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Kelley Merritt
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This one might only be funny in Ohio....

Q: Do you know where Engagement, Ohio is?
A: Halfway between Dayton and Marion.

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Gwen
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quote:
What do you call an inapropriate, useless bump?

Seriously, I want to know.

I don't get this one either, if the second line is supposed to the punch line and not a request for an answer...

The duck one reminds me of a joke in our family we got from a joke book which had normally very funny jokes:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ginger.
Ginger who?
Ginger fall of a wall?

.
.
.
.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
Then of course there are the knock-knock jokes that you don't actually finish, you just crack up when the other person says "Doctor who?" or "Cthul who?". Probably rather irritating for the other person if they don't actually recognize the reference...

Sign seen in a butcher shop: "Please stop sitting on the meat grinder. We are getting a little behind in our orders."

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