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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Discussions About Orson Scott Card » jokes (Page 3)

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Author Topic: jokes
Flaming Toad on a Stick
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quote:
Originally posted by Gwen:
quote:
What do you call an inapropriate, useless bump?

Seriously, I want to know.

I don't get this one either, if the second line is supposed to the punch line and not a request for an answer...
This thread was on the last page of the 45 day forum list. I just wanted to bump it. I know, it's not funny.
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lynn johnson
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Mike came home from golf, and Laura asked him how the game went.

"Horrible, worst day of my life!"

"What happened?" asked Laura.

"Well, on the third tee, Harold dropped dead of a heart attack!"

"Oh, no," said Laura, "Harold is dead? That's awful!"

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. The rest of the day it was hit the ball and drag Harold, hit the ball and drag Harold."

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BlueWizard
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quote:
Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick:
quote:
Originally posted by Gwen:
quote:
What do you call an inapropriate, useless bump?

Seriously, I want to know.

I don't get this one either, if the second line is supposed to the punch line and not a request for an answer...
This thread was on the last page of the 45 day forum list. I just wanted to bump it. I know, it's not funny.
Well of course, the answer is either -

a husband or a teenage son.

Couldn't resist.

Steve/BlueWizard

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B34N
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Knock, Knock.
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TheSeeingHand
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Who's there?
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RunningBear
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Me.
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B34N
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I don't know, I'm just trying to get someone to open the door.
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Sterling
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How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one.

-

A string walks into a bar. The bartender glares at him and snarls, "You're a string, aren'tcha?" The string agrees that he is. "Well, we don't serve strings in here! Get out!" The string sadly heads for the door. As he leaves, he passes another string on his way in. "Don't bother," He says, "They don't serve strings." The entering string pauses, messes up his ends, hitches himself into a bowline, and proceeds into the bar. The bartender glares at him. "Hey, buddy, aren't you a string?" He snarls. "No," replies the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

-

A duck waddles into a bar, hops onto a stool, cocks his head at the bartender, and asks:

"Do you have any... Grapes?"

"Get outta here!" Snarls the bartender. (Lot of rude bartenders in these jokes.) "We don't serve ducks in this bar!"

The duck hops down to the floor, and waddles out.

The next night, the same duck waddles in, hops onto a stool, cocks his head at the bartender, and asks:

"Do you have any... Grapes?"

The bartender leans in until he's eye-to-eye with the duck, and growls "I don't like ducks. I don't serve ducks. And the next time you come here looking for grapes, I'm stapling your webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck hops down to the floor, and waddles out.

The next night, the same duck waddles in, hops onto a stool, cocks his head at the bartender, and asks:

"Do you have any... Staples?"

The bartender pauses, mouth open. Finally, he answers: "No, I don't have any staples."

"Then do you have any... Grapes?"

-

A bum walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey, I love the world tonight! Get me a drink! Get everyone in the bar a drink! Get yourself a drink! Put it all on my tab."

The bartender shrugs and pours everyone in the bar a drink. As he finishes his drink, the bartender presents him the bill. The bum laughs and says "Heh! I haven't got any money!"

The bartender, enraged, grabs the bum by the scruff of the neck, slaps him around, and throws him bodily out of the bar.

The next night the same bum comes in with the same line: "Hey, I love the world tonight! Get me a drink! Get everyone in the bar a drink! Get yourself a drink! Put it all on my tab."

The bartender frowns, but finally decides the joker couldn't be so stupid as to pull the same stunt twice in a row, so he serves up the drinks. He presents the bum with the bill, and the bum laughs: "Heh! I haven't got any money!"

"What?!" shouts the bartender. He grabs the bum once again, slaps him around, and throws him out of the bar.

The next night, the same bum comes in and announces: "Hey, I love the world tonight! Get me a drink, get everyone in the bar a drink, put it on my tab."

The bartender sneers, "What, you aren't buying me a drink tonight?"

"No. I'm sorry, buddy, but you get violent when you drink."

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