posted
No. Something I wrote would probably sound like this:
quote: She waited at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning yet still a perfect child in seeming -- but for the deep, oceanic sadness of her eyes. She waited, the pale moon behind her throwing a fair silhouette against the great ironwood doors, as a light wind whistled through the open window and into the ancient church. It built; candles guttered, leapt, and died, and yellowed leaves of paper spun rustling across the stones.
posted
I have another guess, without critique (I'm lousy at critique for fiction though I'm pretty good at technical writing) but with rationale (I'm good at rationale). Maethoriell fits the young female profile and hasn't been guessed yet.
posted
I'm not sure whether the author is male or female. On this piece I think it could go either way. When I read color-glass window I assumed that the author couldn't remember the word stained-glass and that was somehow a stand-in until they could remember. I think the author is young, mainly because it seems as though he/she hasn't had much time to polish his/her writing skills. I'm going to randomly guess jeniwren.
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posted
There's a sort of innocence to this passage. The phrase "perfect child" bugs me, although it could be the excellent depending on what sort of character the author is trying to convey. My issue is that it makes the child seem to be a passive character, almost like a doll in a dollhouse scene. It's certainly not the way the child would describe herself, if she is supposed to be the point of view character, which is what it sounds like in the latter half of the passage.
It sounds a bit like a parent who might be thinking of their daughter. I think this is what reminded me of Pooka's thread the other day, so I guess Pooka.
(Then again, though, this one is tricky. It seems like the sort of passage someone might contrive to fool us.)
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Regardless of the age, I think that it was dashed off quickly. It has the seeds of something greater, methinks. (By the way, I really enjoyed your "heavy edit" of the piece, Tom....)
Brinestone? I don't think I've had the pleasure of reading Brinestone's posts since I arrived here. So, what the heck I'll guess Brinestone.
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posted
FWIW, I agree with Jon Boy on the tense thing -- I like it. It makes the Dead Night's appearance seem more of an inevitable condition and less of an action -- a traveling across a space.
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posted
I think the whole perfect child and old beyond reckoning thing makes her seem timeless, like a fairy queen or sorcoress (why can't I spell today?). I liked the last sentence, and I think it fits well with the spooky, fantasy, ancient feel of the piece. As a completely random guess, I'll say beatnix19.
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posted
I still think somewhat young, someone who likes animé or comic books. I'm undecided on gender, but assuming this girl is the central character, someone who would use a female central character. I was thiking of guessing beatnix, but I had the impression from beatnix's other posts that the spelling and such isn't always as . . . er, standard as it is here. (I apologize if my impression is mistaken.)
So now I'm trying to think of people who have at least this much polish, and who have shown a penchant for the dark.
posted
eslaine, one of the great agonies of my life is the realization that I'm a much better editor than I am a writer. I lack sufficient imagination -- which would come as a surprise to my elementary school teachers, but probably no one else. *laugh*
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iii) I think he might have been responding to my guess.
I still think the author is most likely female. And I could see dkw deliberately starting off the second round with the author who finished off the last round. Just to throw us off.
posted
As an aside commentary... although Tom's edit sounded more literary and professional, I actually prefered the original. The reason is that the edited version made me think about the writing/description itself more, and distracted me from the image the scene was making. It's sort of the same problem I had with parts of LotR.
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posted
First off, I like the imagery, very dark fantasy true, but that's not a bad thing.
I agree with what people were saying about the flickering being blown, maybe the flame is blowing or the light is flickering...
quote: great ironwood doors
Iron or Wood? This seems like a contradiction.
"For instance, instead of merely being open, they could be propped open with a stick. They're just as open as before, but now they are open in a specifically low-tech way." - Megachirops
Either that or they could be broken... in a really old church the glass could be shattered by time and weather and that would maybe add to the sense of darkness, to have broken windown that is.
Sorry, that probably isn't very readable, I'm not feeling very comprehensible today. My guess Jaiden just 'cuz Posts: 3420 | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote: weight in them that was enormous like the sea
This similie bugs me because the sea is enormous, but doesn't really carry much wieght. It's not, to put it scientifically, very massive. It seems like the point of the similie changed as the sentance progressed: From the weight, to enormous, to something enormous, but not necessarily heavy.
quote: slivery silhouette.
Silvery, or I get a really cool image of slithery silhouettes.
quote: The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
The use of was here is "historical writing" (somebody had a name for it, but I don't) but although "the Dead Knight was come for her" works, the "and she waited" confuses tenses. I can't think of a tense that would work. It might be better to put: "She waited. The Dead Knight was come for her."
posted
Something about the wording of the passage just doesn't sit well on this reader's ear. It has the stroke and swish of fantasy, but it's just a bit overwrought. It needs a bit of editing and trimming down.
I really don't have an idea, so I will guess Twinky .
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote: Um. . .Scythrop? How 'young' do you think I am? I mean, compared to such mummies as Bob_Scopatz, or Claudia Therese I AM young. . . but I'll be 29 on Thursday. I'm no spring chicken.
Sorry Scott - It was a pretty much random guess and looking for a male was about my only criterion; I'm still a newbie and am working out ages of different people as I go.
posted
It sounds to me like the author is someone who hasn't written much, but has read a lot, likely a lot of fantasy. He is probably young and a little unsure of his writing style. I say he, but I'm not really sure of the author's sex; I could easily see a young author of either sex writing this.
It seems like there's a good story in there. There's a lot of backstory begging to come out. If my guess is correct and this is a new writer, a little practice is all that's required to become a more comfortable author, and then there should be no impediment to a great story. The ideas are obviously already there.
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about Tom's posts makes me think this might be Christy.
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