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Katarain, sounds like a terrible situation to be in. Hopefully you will be able to be closer again in the future -- sometimes people change in ways that surprise us. Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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When I was getting the most upset by the letters, I simply would have Steve read them, and tell me if anyone had died etc. I'd ask him if I wanted to read it or not. Sometimes he'd say yes sometimes he'd say no. Sometimes he would give me a synopsis, so that I'd be more prepared for when I actually did read the letter.
Knowing I didn't *have* to read them helped. Though talk about unsolicited advice... I think sending letters has got to be one of the more passive agressive things in the book.
posted
Oh, I don't want a big, showy wedding. But I do want a pretty dress and the big party afterwards. He IS a Christian, just not denominational. I was thinking of a doing a themed sort of thing, like a medieval/renaissance/fantasy mix.
I forgot to respond to pooka regarding one thing. My husband doesn't forbid me to see my mother, and we have no children. He has said, that he thinks my mother will come around when we DO have children. Perhaps his ideas are a little old-fashioned, but he believes in honor and respect and on INSISTING on that from others around you. The excuse of "oh, that's just the way he/she is" doesn't fly with him. His views on this are consistent, no matter who we are dealing with, although he wouldn't blame children for learning such behaviors from those they are around. That's up to the parents to correct. So, there has NOT been any bad-mouthing of my mother here. We discuss the problem and sometimes it gets heated and emotional, but the conversations she imagines are unfounded. She GETS respect, far more from him than from me, I'm afraid. It's easy to fall into that mother/daughter relationship. I expect her to change her behavior regarding my husband and to not talk him down to me, but I continue to put up with whatever she wants to say about ME, while occassionally tellig her when she hurts my feelings. The converse, of asking my husband to speak respectfully about my mother is not needed since he already does.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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Double-dipping: you get to say you apologized without really feeling the burn of authentic remorse. Cheats yourself, too, as authentic remorse at the appropriate time heals the soul.
Hurts to be a grownup, though. And it is so danged wretched to keep screwing up all over again, even when you know better -- and then, it's hard not to self-flagellate, which does nobody any good, even if the martyr trip is a righteous high for those so inclined (and so addicted).
A truly authentic, earnest, appropriate apology is a wonder to behold and a thing of good in the world. We need more of 'em.
Posts: 2919 | Registered: Aug 2004
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I like that: it's kinda like you are throwing a party for all your friends and family to say "we're married"! The themed idea sounds fun.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Yeah, and we all get to dress up in very pretty clothes! I really want a medieval/renn. dress. I might even go for a colored dress, although I think it would be perfectly acceptable for me to wear white. I was a virgin when I married him, dangit. But colored dresses are so peeerty. *Grins*
Thanks for the sympathy. I just want it to get better soon. If we weren't so poor right now, we'd probably have kids sooner... As it is, we're waiting until my husband finishes school (he's starting his bachelor's and going straight on for his master's) and me (I'm in the middle of getting my master's).
Going to school as an adult is COOL. I read in another thread that Olivetta was concerned about going to class now. Shouldn't be. Plenty of adults go. Much better than going right away like I did and being stuck in something you don't like.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I obviously don't know your husband, Katarain, so I guess it doesn't matter. And if it was a "Sorry, but..." then that isn't an apology.
Anyway, I hope your mom figures things out before/in case you have kids someday. If you were really that close, then it must be hard for her. But at the same time you need to set the boundaries and not allow her to regard your getting married as a tragedy. You didn't do it to hurt her. Like you said, you thought it would make your relationship more acceptable. But if she thinks a wedding is a special day with a white dress and all that... I dunno. Of course you think that too. I'd be interested to see you defend that point to the IRS.
I've had one sibling that married out of the church, and last weekend I was thinking that it's actually kind of a good thing that people don't think the collusion of a marriage is necessary to maintain their faith. The next day, I learned yet another of my siblings is marrying out of the church and I was like "okay."
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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quote: When I was getting the most upset by the letters, I simply would have Steve read them, and tell me if anyone had died etc. I'd ask him if I wanted to read it or not. Sometimes he'd say yes sometimes he'd say no. Sometimes he would give me a synopsis, so that I'd be more prepared for when I actually did read the letter.
The vast majority of my communication with my mother goes through Bill. She can manage to talk to him without requesting any level of approval for her lifestyle choices. With me, this no longer seems possible.
Posts: 157 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
I don't have anything to explain to the IRS. We are legally married, and they don't care what sort of ceremony we had. We filed our last taxes jointly, so there's no problem there.
I suppose if you want to get technical, we had a civil ceremony and not a religious ceremony. It is the religious ceremony that I still want. However, since I believe that God has already approved and blessed our union, I don't really think of the "wedding" as a religious ceremony, although it definitely WILL be. See, the IRS has nothing to do with it. I'm afraid I'm not sure what you were saying there...
Mom and I just had another talk. We're really not seeing eye to eye. I've agreed to talk to her therapist on the phone, hoping that he'll be able to help communication between the three of us.
Beverly, that's very pretty. I haven't decided on my dress yet. I may not do a themed wedding, though--kind of depends on a lot of things. And even though it's supposed to be "My" day, if a themed wedding bothers my mom, I'm willing to compromise a lot. She's pretty cool about that, though, usually.
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I really want a medieval/renn. dress. I might even go for a colored dress, although I think it would be perfectly acceptable for me to wear white. I was a virgin when I married him, dangit. ![[Taunt]](graemlins/taunt.gif)
But colored dresses are so peeerty. *Grins*
