I would seriously question the reason behind his sudden attitude change here. Somebody or something outside of your circle of influence is pressuring him in some way. My gut feeling from the prior discussions at the beginning of the thread and the current update is that this is a knee-jerk reaction to something said by a coworker or other "friend" rather than a true change of heart.
Based on the comments you make regarding the counseling sessions, I see this going nowhere good. He refuses to accept responsibility for anything that's happened so far. It's not his fault he can't love, his mother died on him. It's not his fault people don't understand him, he's so smart. People should just take all of this into consideration and adapt their relations with him to fit. Because of this, I can't find it in myself to have pity for him. Until he takes ownership of his actions and how they affect everyone else in the family, he's not really looking for a solution. He's looking for someone to blame again, someone to tell him that it's okay that he doesn't like his wife and that he's a jerk to his children.
He admits to the therapist that he doesn't like you and hasn't since your first son was born. That's at least eight years that he's been treating you as if you don't matter. (I didn't look closely enough to see if the 8 year old in the original discussion at dinner was the eldest child) Eight years of deceipt and dishonesty, and you're supposed to say "it's okay honey" just because he suddenly decided he wants to rule the roost? I don't think so.
I couldn't live with someone knowing they didn't like me anymore. I don't have the energy to try and change someone who doesn't want to be changed, nor do I have the emotional strength to combat those negative feelings coming from the other person. That's why, when I was presented with a roughly similar situation, I got my children and I got out. You need to decide for yourself if you can accept having someone who has now publicly admitted to not liking you in your day to day life. And one of the big considerations there needs to be how he feels about the children - more importantly, how do the children feel about him?
If you'd like to talk off-forum, my email is in my profile. I'll help any way that I can (and hopefully won't project too much of my own situation on you, as I think I may have done above...)
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
Each marriage counselling session he showed more anger. Because I would get so pale and frightened during his outbursts, the counsellor asks me how I was doing physically. I told her that my heart was racing, I felt nauseous and I was having trouble sleeping at night. She asked me to go in for a physical and my GP said my heart was fine and prescribed Xanax for the anxiety.
After the physical, my husband demanded, in the middle of the office, to know what the doctor had said. I told him.
Sadly, things got much worse after this. He decided that his actions were all completely justified and that my reactions were a sympton of paranoia/anxiety.
At the end of June, he burst into the house at 3AM and announces to me, "I've had this much marijuana, it acts like truth serum. Ask me anything." I declined because he didn't act like someone on pot, he acted manic and aggressive.
On July 6th, he grabbed my hand and said, "You don't need to be afraid. I'm this close to believing I'm a homosexual and incest is illegal."
On July 7-8, he finds grilled chicken that has been sitting in the back of his car since July 4th, eats it and gets at least one other person to eat it, then sits it on a chair in the sun and forbids anyone to throw it away because he's going to eat the rest later.
July 11th, I ask him in marriage couselling to explain what he meant by his statement of July 6th. He said that all homosexuals are trying to convince others to "switch sides" and that he was unbelievable attracted to a girl who was young enough to be his daughter. He then went on to describe to girl's various body parts in graphic detail and with sound effects. The marriage counsellor was offended and asked him to stop because she said he was being disrespectful to me, he began choking himself, turning white, then red, then purple, then black and spitting out the words, "DO YOU WANT ME TO CHOKE MYSELF? DO YOU WANT ME TO LIE? I'M ONLY SPEAKING THE TRUTH!"
July 16th, he accuses my brothers of doing drugs, lifts our 9 year old son off the ground by his shirt and bumps his head against the car. I didn't see this, but when they got home my son was silent and went right to sleep, my husband told me that our son was disrespectful and he is "good" with how he handled the situation.
July 17th, he kicks my brother out of our house, fires him, and tells the kids that there Uncle that has lived with us since before they were born, has decided to move out. He then starts crying and saying that he loves their Uncle and is so sorry that he has to leave, but that it's their Uncle's decision.
He annouced that he had a meeting at Starbucks at 8PM. As soon as he left for the meeting, I packed-up the kids and took them to a hotel. I called him to let him know that we were safe, but that we would not return home until he moved out.
July 18th, I met him at marriage counselling and he verified what he had done to our son, he said that he was "good" with the way he had handled it and that the kids needed to come home and I if I didn't feel safe, I was welcome to move out and visit the kids on occasion.
I filed for legal separation on July 18th.
Through all of this, I can definitely say that I didn't "like him" but I did feel compassion for him. He seemed so broken, lost and without a strong sense of self, despite his need to utterly dominate us. Despite my compassion, I believed that my first responsibility was to my kids. I kept remembering Slash's story about his mom and dad pretending to move away while he was locked in his room and I vowed that I'd never allow my husband cow me to the point that I wouldn't stand-up for the kids' physical and emotional well-being.
Two weeks ago, my 6 year old said, "I know why my Uncle left. I got too excited when he came home and sometimes I'd wake him up to play. He left because I was too annoying."
I told my son that his Uncle didn't choose to leave, that dad had kicked his Uncle out and that noone would "choose" to leave him. My baby taking responsibilty for my husband's action has crushed the compassion I had for my husband. Yes, he suffers from abandonment issue, but that doesn't give him the right to inflict those same scars on his children.
Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
That must have been a very tough decision for you. I belive you did make the right choice given your difficult circumstances. Your first responsibility is the physical and emotional well-being of your children.
With additional counseling your husband may come to realize that this separation is the best decision for all parties involved. After all, it is a good idea to take the kids away now before your husband did anything that would push them away forever.
Best of luck and please let us know if you need anything.
Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
(((hugs))) I think you made the best decision possible for you and your children. Best of luck.
Posts: 944 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
You made the right choice. And your husband sounds as if he is seriously suffering from a mental illness. While I have compassion for the ill, I have more compassion for you in your situation. Be safe, make sure the kids are safe, and continue with all the steps necessary to move past this horror.
I wish you strength for the journey ahead.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Goody, if you want to talk, you're welcome to email me. bamawards AT alltel.net
We went through something that was somewhat similar with my stepfather. My mom, after years of trying to make the marriage work left him, and it was a very hard decision because we all felt he was mentally ill but all efforts to get him help were unsuccessful. Finally my mom had to look after herself - actually my brother's wife and I forced the decision when we told him and my mother we couldn't bring the children over to their house anymore, because we didn't feel like they could be safe there. Also, he lost his job, just once in a long pattern of being unable to keep jobs, and my husband gave him one with our company.
He told my husband what bills were paid, even gave him check numbers, and my husband had no reason to think he wasn't making the bill payments he said he was. Until the suppliers contacted him to tell him he was sixty days behind on his bills, and we found out my stepdad had been writing checks to himself and for cash and taking money from the company account. When we confronted him he denied it, said he cashed the checks because I asked him to and I took the money, claimed he had to drive a lot for the company and needed over $300 a month for gas (his duties for my husband only required him to have to leave the house to check the mail at the PO Box in a post office less than 3 miles from his house - we offered to reimburse gas, but $300 was a bit excessive) and the list went on and on of things he did that basically financially ruined us for a time. We tried to get some relief through the bank for signatures that were forged but they said we'd have to have him arrested, and we wouldn't do that. He tried to get his dog to bite my niece (she was four at the time) to "teach her a lesson." The child's crime was trying to sit on the sofa, where the dog was sleeping. He screamed and ranted that is was the dog's house, not hers, and if the dog would bite the child, then maybe she'd remember that. And the list goes on and on of things that sound very much like what you posted above.
I don't say this to try and hijack the thread or to garner any sympathy, I just wanted you to know that I'd been in a situation where someone I loved dearly was acting as if they were mentally ill and we finally had no choice but to sever the relationship. It's probably the most difficult thing I've ever been forced to do, but I am confident all of us involved did the right thing, and my mom is confident too. So, again I'd be happy to talk if you want. I do understand a bit of what you're going through, though I recognize you are married to and lived with and have children with this man, whereas which makes what you're dealing with probably even tougher than my situation.
I feel for you, and I'll pray for you. Best of luck.
Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
quote: The marriage counsellor was offended and asked him to stop because she said he was being disrespectful to me, he began choking himself, turning white, then red, then purple, then black and spitting out the words, "DO YOU WANT ME TO CHOKE MYSELF? DO YOU WANT ME TO LIE? I'M ONLY SPEAKING THE TRUTH!"
Is your marriage counselor a licensed therapist? If so, I'm amazed your husband has not already been forced into treatment. Based on this episode, he's clearly a danger to himself.
As a side note, I would immediately begin proceedings to prevent him from seeing your children -- ever -- in any unsupervised environment. His "homosexuality/incest" bit is very, very disturbing, not least because he appears to have conflated both those conditions with aspects of his own paranoia.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh, dear, Goody I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. But you absolutely did the right thing. I hope things work out all right for you and your children. *hugs*
Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2002
| IP: Logged |
Any support I can give is yours. I am so sorry you have to go through this, and have no doubt you did the right thing. I'm impressed with how you're handling it and yourself.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ditto what Tom said. I've seen a situation pretty similar to this, and it turned out the guy was overdosing on prescription meds and had to go in for detox. (Xanax derivative among them - did you count your Xanaxes?)
In the meantime, you've really done the right thing by protecting your kids. Hope it's the smoothest possible road from here.
Posts: 700 | Registered: Feb 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I am so sorry...I truly feel you did the right thing, and I agree with not allowing any unsupervised visitation. he sounds like a molester waiting to happen. Let us know how we can help.
Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
(((GoodyMaker))) You absolutely did the right thing though I know it is hard. May God bless you and open the path for you to safety and peace. Your children have a good mother.
Posts: 1132 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
| IP: Logged |
Personally it sounds like the man is on some sort of mind altering chemical, and it doesn't sound like marijuana. It DOES sound a bit like crack cocaine from the little bit of experience I've had with a crack user.
I'm proud of you for getting yourself and your children out of that house and for filing for the separation. That incident with the 9 year old is excessive force and probably would be considered abuse if it were to be reported to Child Services. And he thinks he handled it well? {shudder}
The homosexuality/incest comment and the younger girl comment also both have me seriously concerned - enough so that I would be trying to have conversations with mothers of any girls that are in the approximate age range and within his potential sphere of contact. I can only hope that's the drugs talking and not something he's acted upon.
You continue to be in my thoughts. If there's anything I can do to help, please please let me know.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I am so, so very glad you left. Halfway through the post I was thinking, "Oh my gosh! Why hasn't she left!" and then was relieved to read that you had. Take Tom's advice re supervised visitation IMMEDIATELY. Your husband is mentally ill, and could be a danger to your children. Until he is in some sort of treatment program I would not trust him to spend any sort of time alone with your children.
Stay strong, and know that you've done the right thing. We're all here for you whenever you need us. Just because you've left doesn't mean that the pain is over, but I'm very proud of you for not only protecting your children but also removing yourself from a potentially dangerous situation. Are you seeing a therapist on your own?
quote:Originally posted by Space Opera: I am so, so very glad you left. Halfway through the post I was thinking, "Oh my gosh! Why hasn't she left!" and then was relieved to read that you had. Take Tom's advice re supervised visitation IMMEDIATELY. Your husband is mentally ill, and could be a danger to your children. Until he is in some sort of treatment program I would not trust him to spend any sort of time alone with your children.
Stay strong, and know that you've done the right thing. We're all here for you whenever you need us. Just because you've left doesn't mean that the pain is over, but I'm very proud of you for not only protecting your children but also removing yourself from a potentially dangerous situation. Are you seeing a therapist on your own?
Exactly. Word-for-word, what Space Opera said.
Goody Maker, if you've been around Hatrack for awhile, you'll probably know me. If I have any sway or status at all in your eyes, let me use it to get this clear to you:
You did the right thing by leaving with the children. You are doing the right thing by staying away. He is almost doubtlessly mentally ill, whether from a pre-existing condition or as a complication of substance abuse, maybe both.
Stay safe. This is a very dangerous time for you and your kids. It will get better, but you are entirely correct to take this very very seriously. And you have been in an abusive situation for a long while, so abuse will feel natural to you for a long while, even when your head may be able to figure otherwise. That is, it isn't a good time to start any new relationships, even just new friends, unless they are professional relationships with people who are helping you.
My email is in my profile. If you are in trouble or there is anything I can do, let me know. Even if it's just that you need someone to try to make phone calls and pull strings. Sometimes I can do that.
You'll be at the front of my thoughts.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
