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Author Topic: Does anyone know of anything we can do about this? (Situation Resolved.)
ketchupqueen
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We have to move out this coming week. Emma and I are going on the plane Tuesday (it was cheaper for me to get a one-way ticket and sit her in my lap-- we have a Baby B'air-- than to drive the car, because of gas prices.) We've given notice on our apartment. We're having good feelings about finding a new apartment.

There's only one problem: money.

Jeff has been doing part-time temp work, which doesn't pay a whole heck of a lot. He was expecting a lot more than he got from the company he's going to be working for, who said they'd pay moving expenses. Well, they paid about a fifth of our actual need. Normally, my aunt would help us out, but her husband just lost his job. Normally, my mom and/or dad would loan or gift us the money, but they are currently in the middle of taking each other to court, and have legal fees ( [Wall Bash] ). The best my dad can do is $500; JUST the move-in cost, IF we get the apartment we're hoping for -- cheapest we've found -- will be $2300. Normally, a lot of things that just aren't happening right now.

So we asked Jeff's parents to LOAN us what we need. LOAN, as in we commit to pay it back within two to three months, no matter what it takes. They tell us we should consider all our options and pray about it. WHAT DO THEY THINK WE'VE BEEN DOING? We know how they are about loaning their kids money or even co-signing, they were our LAST try! We did EVERYTHING we could before asking them. And honestly, it's not all that much money, except to people on a tiny tiny budget like us. And in the process of saying all this to us, they also managed to make Jeff feel like dirt. Which makes me want to hurt them severely. And repeatedly. With a large, blunt object. (But I won't, of course.)

So, what can we do? We HAVE to move, and we have to do it now. We really have done everything we can, and we have prayed about it. After praying and discussing and praying and discussing, we decided to ask Jeff's parents for a loan (loan! not gift! short-term loan!), and they haven't turned us down in so many words, but that's because they never say things in so many words. Does someone have an idea that will help us be able to do what we need to?

I hate that this is happening just when we were thinking we were finally getting to the point where we'd be able to live entirely within our means, and even start paying off some of our debt. [Cry]

[ July 22, 2005, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: ketchupqueen ]

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Valentine014
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How much exactly did you ask his parents for? If you don't mind me asking.
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Belle
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Honey your in-laws are in no way obligated to give you a loan.

Why do you HAVE to move? I mean, if it's not financially feasible for you to move, then maybe you just can't do it right now. Maybe your husband should do some more temp work and you save up money for a bit and stay where you are.

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Moonshine
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All that I can say is that most couples go through times like this. It's hard...but if you work together and contiue to be faithful, you'll find a way through. God bless you in your time of need.
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Tante Shvester
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Some congregations have a free loan fund. Does yours? Is there a church leader that you can talk to who may be able to find you help? Even if you have to accept charity, you can still repay it by donating back to the charity when you are able.
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quidscribis
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I would recommend talking to your bishop about this. It's what church welfare is for.

Good luck, ketchupqueen. We'll pray for you. [Kiss]

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ketchupqueen
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Belle, we're losing money with him doing temp work-- we're unable to afford things on our own with him doing that. Jeff has a new job that will actually pay the bills for the first time in our married life-- in CA. We've given 30 days' notice on our apartment. We HAVE to move.

And I didn't say that my in-laws were obligated. But that is what we came up with after doing everything else we possibly could and praying and praying and praying. If they would just say "no" politely and thoroughly, I would deal with it better than what they did-- bringing up every mistake Jeff has ever made and every misfortune he's ever had in his LIFE.

This job was an answer to prayer. Now if only this answer worked out as well as that one did. [Frown]

Valentine, $3000. If we found a way to save a little more money on the move itself, $2500. It's not an issue of them having it, it's an issue of giving us a loan-- which they have always had a policy against with their kids, apparently.

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ketchupqueen
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quid, we don't feel this is something Church welfare should be helping us with.

They've already been feeding us for the past couple of months, and they helped us with a month's rent.

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Bob the Lawyer
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You could, of course, always look at staying in some sort of a shelter for the first month while you get yourselves on your feet. Or rethink just what size of a place you can get by with on the understanding that it's a temporary solution. If your parents can take you and find room for you you could look to see if your husband can move out on his own in the cheapest place he can find while you live with your folks.

There are always other options, they may just be less convenient than your parents loaning you the money.

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ketchupqueen
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We can stay with my mom, but we'd have no place to put the cats, so we'd end up paying for that.

And we can't even pay for the move itself. We did consider that.

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rivka
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quote:
Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
quid, we don't feel this is something Church welfare should be helping us with.

They've already been feeding us for the past couple of months, and they helped us with a month's rent.

Is there no church agency that makes interest-free loans?
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Belle
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What does your husband do? Why can he only find a job in CA?

I'm not trying to be difficult, I guess I'm just trying to understand why it's so necessary to move, it seems like it would be a good idea for him to find a job closer in, or if you move, then perhaps look for a job in a place with lower cost of living.

I do understand staying with family is a hassle, but if it has to be done, then maybe you'll have to.

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Belle
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Okay, I realize I'm probably being insensitive here. Sorry.

I'm sure you've already gone through all this when deciding what to do. So I'll just shut up and say I hope things work out, and I'm sorry you guys are having a tough time.

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ketchupqueen
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rivka, there's one for people who need educational loans in other countries. Not one for people in our situation.

Belle, he is going to be a sales/administrative assistant. He's been trying to find work here that pays enough to live off for over a year. He has no degree, he's got a family to take care of, and people here just don't pay enough for us to live for things he's qualified to do. He got this job through my aunt's contacts. Of course we would prefer not to uproot our daughter from the only place she's ever known, not incur the cost of moving, etc., etc., but it's just not happening for us. Going where my family will be able to help us if we need it is second-best.

If we have to, we can stay with my mom and pay for the cats to board somewhere. But I'm staying there for a week anyway, and I think that will be more than enough of my mom bashing my dad at every opportunity, and boarding gets EXPENSIVE. If we had someone we could trust to take them here, we might even leave them, though it would break my heart. But we don't. And we will not let them be killed or split up.

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littlemissattitude
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You know, I could understand his parents refusing the loan if you were moving just for the sake of moving, or if they did not have the money to comfortably loan it. But you're going to where he has already, as I understand it, found a good job. Under those circumstances - and I'm sorry if I'm being disrespectful here, but this is how I feel -if his parents can afford it and just won't loan the money, they're just being stingy. I mean, what, do they want him to keep doing temp work and not be able to afford anything, ever? That's just stupid.

I guess I feel very strongly about this because I grew up with my mother's family, who expected us to be right there whenever they needed anything, without question and smiling and happy to serve, but basically either had some excuse that they couldn't do anything when we asked for help - which was very, very rare, anyway, as neither my mother nor myself like asking for help -or else they did it, but made sure we knew that we were inconveniencing them horribly for be being so crass as to ask for help.

Anyway, sorry if I stepped on any toes, but this is my two cents' worth.

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rivka
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quote:
Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
rivka, there's one for people who need educational loans in other countries. Not one for people in our situation.

[Frown]
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ketchupqueen
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littlemissattitude, thank you for your sympathy.

I guess why this is bothering me is that my family has always come through when we need it, and we have done the same for them. (Before I was married, I used to loan my dad and my aunt a thousand here and there when they needed it.)

I think part of the problem is that my husband's parents don't want us to move away. So they're resisting it. *sigh*

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Theaca
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I understand you're pretty committed to moving at this point, and this may be a great plan for the long run. I admit I don't understand why you guys chose California, with the high cost of living and all. (You Californians can chime in now and explain it if you want, but my gynecologist friend complains about the high prices and the long commutes and terrible traffic but swears she loves it and I just dont think I'll ever understood that what's to like.) Texas and the midwest seem way cheaper.

I am also concerned that you guys have budgeted SO close to the wire, even after you move. But then you've been living in a negative budget for awhile so I guess you already know how fragile your bank account will be until Jeff's income can go higher. Plus the church can help with minor emergencies if they come up. So I guess you know what you're getting into.

I was going to say (then I saw kq's last post) that his family may be upset at the choices you've made. He started his family before finishing education, and have been needing help from family, friends, and the government since then, and you're moving far away from his family. This sounds like a fairly normal first response. Not nice, but, this is may be their way of showing resentment or something.

Good luck.

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ketchupqueen
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They actually don't have a problem with the "starting a family before finishing education" part; they judge Jeff's brother for not having kids after 7 years of marriage, they judge his sister for not marrying until she was 30 and then marrying a black man (don't get me started) who is not a member of the church she no longer attends ( [Roll Eyes] ), but they are actually with us on having kids at any cost. [Wink]

Basically, we chose CA because that's where I have a support system and Jeff was able to get a job. We were also looking at Tulsa, Houston, and Spokane, among other places. Also, starting next year I will have extra income coming in from a friend of the family whose baby I will be watching. (She's due in Oct.)

Thank you for your concern. If we had an alternative to moving right now, we'd probably take it. But we have been looking and not found one.

I think one of the main issues is that Jeff's mom wants us to be close, and she's having a really hard time with the idea of us moving.

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littlemissattitude
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quote:
Originally posted by Theaca:
I understand you're pretty committed to moving at this point, and this may be a great plan for the long run. I admit I don't understand why you guys chose California, with the high cost of living and all.

Reality of life: sometimes you have to go where the job you can get is, when you can get it.
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ketchupqueen
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Let me put it this way: we'll be paying $200 a month more in rent than we are now. We're prepared for gas and electric to double. But we'll be moving from a $20,000 a year budget to a $36,000 a year budget, plus extras I can bring in sewing for my aunt's friends and babysitting for people in the ward (whom I already know.)
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Theaca
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Oh, I know that. Sometimes it is inevitable. But I've also seen vicious cycles. I've seen people move to a place with a higher cost of living and a sweet job, then have to work and work and work to keep up with that cost of living. Then they are stuck down too deep to move and start over. Then suddenly things don't look so sweet anymore. But sometimes it all works out for the best.

(this was a response to littlemiss)

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mr_porteiro_head
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quote:
We can stay with my mom, but we'd have no place to put the cats, so we'd end up paying for that.
Maybe now is not a time that you can have cats.
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ketchupqueen
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Yes, we've thought about that. See above.
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Shigosei
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Are there things you can sell to raise money? Jewelry, appliances, collectables? How about futures on jobs that you plan to do (like a gift certificate for 48 hours (not at one time) babysitting)? Can you put off moving until your husband can earn more money? I know you already gave notice, but perhaps someone where you are now can help you out.

Is there no welfare available to help? Can you get a loan from a bank or the government?

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ketchupqueen
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We've sold everything we can get a fair price for (and a lot of other things, just to keep from having to move them.)

That gift certificate idea isn't feasible under the circumstances, but it's a good one.

I think we'll be okay.

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firebird
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Hi KQ,

Sorry to hear you are having such a horrible time. I think it is beastly that you feel let down by Jeff's family, especally if they do it for their own (selfish) reasons. It might help to talk them through everything you have been writing here .... they might see how hard you have tried and how much of an opportunity this is. They will be coming from the position that it is their money and the choices you make as a family should be financially viable.

I'm suprised how hard Jeff is finding it to get a job. Sales / admin assistant sounds fairly broad ...

I'm also suprised by your position on the cats. It seems to me that if you didn't have them you could live with your mum for a bit and save 1 months rent and then have reduced your monthly outgoings in term of cat food / insurance etc. All in all a good thing. Also having cats with small children is a bad idea for medical reasons. So what are the options for finding the cats a new place? I really think you should consider this seriously. To me your loyalty to the cats as a priority has to fall much lower on the list than financial independence, housing, food, family, new job etc.

Good luck

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TomDavidson
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Is it impossible for you to get a conventional loan, like from a bank or lender? $3000 is a small enough figure that you could even float it on a credit card in the short term if you had to.
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fiazko
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I'm sorry you're going through this, kq. I don't really have any advice (although Tom's suggestion is a thought, especially if you could pay it off within a month or two). I do want to commend you for taking responsibility for the cats. Obviously, cats are not people, but when you accept a pet into your household, you have a responsibility to them, and getting rid of them because they're not convenient anymore is, IMHO, cruel. Anyway, good luck. One way or another, things will work out.
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fugu13
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Many banks will offer signature loans for longtime account holders that might well cover much of that amount.
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Zeugma
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Yeah, my first thought was asking the bank. I've been paying for my $2000/semester courses through a series of $2000 loans that I pay off every three months (though I have a year), and they barely bat an eye at that amount. I've never seen a loan officer laugh as much as when I go in to sign the notes. [Dont Know]
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Jim-Me
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quote:
Originally posted by fugu13:
Many banks will offer signature loans for longtime account holders that might well cover much of that amount.

Long time account holders is the key, here... she's moving half a country away.

I was shocked to find that there are no Washington Mutual branches in the Carolinas anywhere (I had specifically chosen a large bank so I could bank anywhere)and it took me two weeks to get a bank to let me open a *savings account* (I was so pissed!).

KQ...I don't know what to tell you... I just got by with a shoestring and a little help from my parents (they pulled a second trailer so I didn't have to rent a truck, which would have doubled my expense).

If it comes to this, you can do what I did: move with nothing but the clothes on your back and bring the furniture later... sleeping on the floor for a couple of months beats sleeping under a bridge.

Also, you may be able to rescind your notice at your apartment and send Jeff ahead. He can stay with your mom and fly back to bring you and the princess home with him after a couple of paychecks.

just brainstorming and probably nothing you guys haven't thought of, but figure it doesn't hurt to write 'em down...

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Zeugma
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I should maybe add that I belong to a community credit union, actually, not a "bank". So that might have something to do with it.

Sending your husband ahead to earn some money and get things straightened out sounds plausible, as does putting the furniture in storage until you can afford to move it...

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Bob_Scopatz
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I second the idea of putting stuff in storage and just moving out to CA with as little expense as you possibly can.

Having lived through similar situations, the best advice I can give you is when you find yourself in an economic hole, don't dig!

It is terribly difficult to climb out once you start spending to save... (or whatever we call it to make ourselves feel better).

Unless you are already locked in to a specific apartment out West, my advice there is to look for a very cheap living situation. It's depressing to think of it, but if you remind yourself that it is temporary until you're back on your feet financially, you can probably stick it out long enough.

Ultimately, with the space of a few years' time, you may come to view this all as a bit of an adventure. And you'll survive it and be stronger for it all.

Just don't spend what you don't have. Do the absolute minimum. And if you still need some cash just for the very least you can survive on, then you should either beg the parents or tell the new company that their moving package is insufficient. Or both.

And if you can't afford the move, then don't. Seriously, you'd be leaving behind whatever support network you have to live in a place where you have no history.

At the salary and experience/expertise level you are describing, there are opportunities in places that aren't going to cost you that much to get to or to live month to month.

No matter how committed you all may feel to this move, if it doesn't make sense for your family to get into a big financial bind, then don't do it.

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Katarain
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ketchupqueen,

You wrote: "This job was an answer to prayer. Now if only this answer worked out as well as that one did."

Take heart. This is all related to that first answer to prayer. God doesn't do things halfway. Since He saw fit to get your husband that job and you feel this is where he is leading you, it WILL work out. Have faith and don't worry about it anymore. You can think about it, and pray about it, and try to work it out--but no more worry. It's in God's hands. Trust Him to take care of it. He has a habit of doing things at the very last minute.

-Katarain

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Zeugma
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I'm looking back over your initial post, and I'm wondering... you're flying instead of driving because gas prices are high, but how will your car get to CA? You haven't found an apartment yet, so where are you planning to sleep when you get out there... is it next week? [Confused]
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Belle
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kq, is the city in your profile correct? Do you still live in Richardson TX right now?

Are you close enough to Dallas that he can drive there for work? (I'm not familiar enough with Texas geography)

Doing a quick search on Monster turned up 689 jobs in the "Administrative" category and more than 1000 in "Sales" in and around Dallas.

Having worked in the sales and marketing industry, I am pretty confident that a job in some sort of sales can be had nearly anywhere, and helping my mom with her human resources consulting business has given me a pretty good handle on the job search and hire process.

If you like, you can email me your hubby's resume, and I'll have Mom look it over, I know she won't mind she's done it for friends of mine before and even for jatraqueros. She's very, very good at what she does - she has more than 30 years experience in the HR field and people pay her truckloads of money to share that experience. But she loves me so much I get her advice for free. [Razz]

I know you probably have your heart set on moving, but if it's not financially feasible...then maybe it's best for your family that you stay put until you can get out of your present difficulties, and then maybe move (if you really, really want to) when you're in better shape.

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King of Men
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Well, if you have access to sufficiently untraceable poisons, you miught get an inheritcance from Jeff's parents. Or perhaps you could save some money by just walking to California.

Failing that, perhaps you could pray. Or you could reflect on how much you must be learning, spiritually, from this experience.

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Belle
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another thought - why not let hubby get to CA in the cheapest way possible (bus, train, whatever) with enough clothing to have a decent work wardrobe, let him live with your parents, and he can start his new job without the moving expenses. He can work for a while and send money back to you to live on and save the rest, and when you've got enough saved for the move, you can do it then.
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Dagonee
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quote:
quid, we don't feel this is something Church welfare should be helping us with.
I think that's for Church welfare people to decide. You know it's for short term use. You know it's really necessary to do something you think God wants you to do. You know you'll pay it back. Heck, you could even promise to pay it back extra.

Talk to whomever makes such decisions at your church. Show them a spreadsheet with expected income and expenses that backs up a timeframe for returning the money. Tell him exactly what you've told us, except for the problems w/ Jeff's parents. Simply state why you decided to move, what you did to prepare, and how you've tried to get the money.

If the decision-maker thinks this isn't something that Church welfare shouldn't be used for, accept his judgment with a smile and ask for other suggestions. If he thinks it is acceptable, accept his decision gratefully.

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Pixie
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I'm really sorry about all of the troubles you're hitting just now, kq. I wish I could help, but the only people I know in CA are distant relatives who aren't by any means well off themselves. I second Dag's suggestions from above and, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds almost as if Jeff is already out in CA so if he's already staying somewhere... I know this might be demeaning to you and just flat-out unacceptable because it would spilt you and Jeff up, but as a mother you're clearly experienced with childcare so perhaps you could try to find a position as a live-in sitter until you get a home somewhere? Not an immediate or even comfy solution but it might help a little bit. Just brainstorming [Dont Know] .
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CT
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ketchupqueen, I hope you find a solution that works for you. Sounds like a difficult time. [Frown]
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katharina
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quote:
another thought - why not let hubby get to CA in the cheapest way possible (bus, train, whatever) with enough clothing to have a decent work wardrobe, let him live with your parents, and he can start his new job without the moving expenses. He can work for a while and send money back to you to live on and save the rest, and when you've got enough saved for the move, you can do it then.
I like this idea. My dad did this when we moved to Houston - he went three months earlier, we stayed in an apartment until the kids were out of school, then we moved that summer.
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TomDavidson
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When we moved to Wisconsin, Christy stayed behind in Illinois for two months until I found a place.
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katharina
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quote:
Valentine, $3000. If we found a way to save a little more money on the move itself, $2500. It's not an issue of them having it, it's an issue of giving us a loan-- which they have always had a policy against with their kids, apparently.
This is a lot of money. Most people don't have that much lying around.

There are other options. I think your best one to get the life you want is to send Jeff out there earlier and save until you have enough to move.

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Mrs.M
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I'm sorry that you're having these troubles, kq. I'm pretty surprised that Jeff's parents won't give you a loan - personally, I'd give my child the money if they were in your situation and I could afford it. I second the advice to talk to the church welfare people or look into loans.

Also, when Andrew and I moved down here from NYC 4.5 years ago, we saved a lot of money on our move. We rented a U-Haul and hired movers to load and unload it. We probably had more stuff that you (I'm guessing - we have a ridiculous amount of stuff), so you might not even need movers. Maybe you could get people from your church to help?

Our move, from Roanoke to Richmond, cost half again what I anticipated and budgeted, so I have some idea of what you're going through.

I'll pray that you find a good solution to this problem.

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romanylass
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I don't have a lot of advice, but I'm hoping something works out. I agree with Dag, talk to the church welfare people and let them decide.
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ketchupqueen
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Thank you for your help, everyone. Our situation is resolved. But I'm going to respond to everyone's points, if you all don't mind. [Smile]
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Tante Shvester
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Resolved? Wonderful! But, how?
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rivka
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I think you've been spending too much time with Katie, and dropped a word. [Wink]
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