Shani's no-longer meeting me in coffee-houses, Noah's not replied to my e-mail yet, Annie vanished, Hobbes is gone, OSC is not coming here, I have no idea how to write a play, my poetic mind is going blank, I can't manage more than fifteen pages of text in a novel, I can't write short stories, I don't know what meter haikus use, I'm sick of limericks and I'm running out of clever rhymes for classical, Italian sonnets.
I'm in the advanced maths group, which is all work and no fun, I understand the maths we're using in physics but we won't be doing astrophysics for another two years, I can’t programme but I must attend programming this year, I'm a little fed up with biology, in English we're not getting to the interesting stuff and no-one will let me graduate from that lesson even though I'm competent by all means, in Talmud we're doing boring stuff, there are too many good books that are being ruined by the programme in Jewish thought (=philosophy), no-one is able to tell me what "assonance" is in Hebrew, I just finished "The Catcher in the Rye" which I hated even though it's a good book, I can't manage to grasp enough phonetics to make a dictionary, and my English vocabulary - as sufficient as it is for most purposes including writing - is not good enough for me to understand law shows well.
I couldn't ask a girl out if my life depended on it, I don't know the way to talk on a date, and I doubt I ever will, I don't know enough of anything to specialise in it, my capability of conducting services and reading Torah seems to be descending lately, I can't find anyone to teach me the German tune of cantillation I don't know, I am getting worse at singing, I don't have good control over my voice, I have to wake up early every morning to go to school, I'm getting sick of agnosticism and the fact that there are no answers, I need a haircut and I need a cheque to be deposited into my bank account, I can't comprehend advanced relativity and I hate to think it's all going to end up as entropy.
It's not that I'm going to kill myself. It's just not worth it. Too much of an effort, getting it all sorted out and making sure nobody suffers from my death. But there's a great cricket match tomorrow and I owe a friend 6 NIS. Not that I have much money myself.
I won't kill myself because that's going to be just more painful. But I find my current life tasteless, bland, colourless, a little too strained, having a few minor problems (that I listed earlier), and I can't get a hug from anyone that I'd like to get a hug 'cause they're not around. And virtual ones don't count.
I stopped laughing at jokes, I don't even like the Soviet ones, I don't get more than six hours of sleep and if I'll keep writing this thread nothing will change. It's not that anything's desperately wring, it's just that nothing is desperately right.
I'm not even suicidal, I'm too depressed and uninterested to do that.
And I keep thinking that the word "amewsome" exists, but it's only "awesome"; but that's funny, because I knew of the word "awesome" before.
The question is: "what for? Why?” I have nothing to hang on to now. I don't see any beauty of life when temperatures are so high. All I can do is scorch myself, which makes it no better.
posted
Psychologists? Doubt it. I don't know if they can get my span of complete blandness. And every time I spoke to any psyco-anything, I always got the same general answers. And it doesn't really matter what I talk to them about.
I'm talking mainly about Haftara cantillation, but Torah I ought to learn in the German tune too. I simply know the Polish one already.
But nothing seems to excite me. In any field. That's the problem.
posted
As for anti-depressants, I don't believe in medical curing or pills or whatever for a bore-ignorance cure. It's only hit me seriously in these past days.
Maybe it's The Catcher in the Rye?
EDIT: Off to bed.
[ September 07, 2005, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Jonathan Howard ]
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Jon, here's a serious suggestion: take up a sport. An outdoor activity. Something you do with other people that doesn't involve trying to teach them something.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Jon, go do something that needs doing. Move. Best is if you attempt something you don't think you're quite capable of, or something you admire other people doing but have never tried yourself. Whatever you choose, it needs to be something where you move physically. Reading a book, programming, IM'ing don't count. I think it also helps if it has some point to it. Cooking something you've never made before counts. Planting something out in the yard or in a pot counts. Digging up weeds counts. Playing outside with the neighbor kids counts. Reorganizing your closet counts.
I'm not much for medical intervention either, but when life seems blah, and nothing helps, it can be an alternative. Try something physical first though.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Have you considered befriending a kid? I'm sure there's plenty of kids in your neighborhood who would love to have a teenager pay attention to them, join them in a game or two of football, help them with their homework, teach them how to throw a ball, whatever. It always worked for me when I was your age. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I don't know about Hebrew, but assonance in English is when several words in a row have the same main vowel sound. Like "hoopy frood." I'm a bit kerfuzzled because, if I understand right, there are no written vowel sounds in Hebrew. Right?
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
There are written vowel sounds in modern Hebrew. They're little dots that go over the letters, IIRC.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
| IP: Logged |
I seriously second this. But if you're going to do a school sport, make sure you're close with the coach first, because if you don't get a chance to play, life gets even more depressing. I suggest finding a bunch of friends and playing a game of basketball or soccer with them after school each day.
"I couldn't ask a girl out if my life depended on it, I don't know the way to talk on a date"
Do you have any close friends that are girls? If not, just find a girl and talk with her for a while. One day, just say, hey I really want to see this movie you want to come with me? Make it sound like it's no big deal. Make a routine of asking her to go places with you when you're bored. Eventually, you'll become pretty close with her. Even if you're not attracted to her and you know she's not the one you want to marry, at least you'll have some fun growing up.
Posts: 853 | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Yeah. Everyone's bad at dating when they're new at it. You get better by having a lot of awkward experiences and learning how not to have awkward experiences. I can't say I ever got dating down, but I did meet Jon Boy, so I guess I knew enough.
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh yeah, one more thing, convince yourself that you have no chance with the girl anyways, so it doesn't matter if you embarrass yourself. Trust me, it works. I've gone on a few dates with the most attractive girl I've ever seen in my life by using that method. Just talk to her and think that it doesn't matter if you embarrass yourself because you never had a chance with her to begin with.
Posts: 853 | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: There are written vowel sounds in modern Hebrew. They're little dots that go over the letters, IIRC.
Under. The things that go over the letters (only in some texts, like Torahs) are cantillation marks.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
The only sport I really love is cricket. I'm in ideal physical shape, but I'm no sports' fan. If I could get myself another 13 people who'd be willing to play, and we had somewhere to play, it could be useful.
But no-one builds giant stadii for nothing here. I'd be willing to get back into good sporting shape in order to truly play the one game I love. But all the rest I've tried and they just get on my nerves after a while when everyone starts screaming.
I'd love to be trained, but also have another eleven fielders so I don't have to run back 70 metres every time I want to retun the ball. I know one person who wouldn't mind playing with me, but that's it.
Also, I'm definitely able to speak to teenagers of the female sex, but I'd never be able to take them on a date. "Be natural" got me far, but never in the 1-on-1 a-platonic relationship arena.
I just suck. And what I'd love to do i not in this country. I'd love to be in a student exchange programme and go to either England (where I now have no family) or Australia (where I now have a lot of family).
I don't have to be the best in everything (though that would be nice), but I'm currently losing my grip on it all. I don't even want to go to school in 45 minutes. But I still am. And I'll spend my day there, until 4:30 this afternoon, then I'll watch the cricket until the end of day's play, go eat something, watch a TV show, perhaps, or order myself a locker (FINALLY), then go to bed aftr hours of Hatrack or a game, and wake up tomorrow and watch the cricket again, have a weekend, and go back to school which I like less and less - missing the most important part of the game. And the thing about school is - nobody there gives a damn about it.
I'm starting my fourth year in isolation from feminine characters in my school, and I meet them only once a week in the gifted school. But now I'm entering 10th grade with maybe half a grade. And it's not even a wide social span, because everyone there has an IQ of roughly 130.
Call THAT normal.
I'd be willing to get back into shape and be consistent with it if I could play the game I like. NOBODY starts playing cricket at 18, everyone does it for school, and my mother would be happy I'm back in healthy shape (mind you, my blood tests were flawless and my figure is great for sports).
But that's a dream. And it won't come true. I've got the army I need to elude in three years' time, and I've got to be able to support myself overseas without a safety net of my parents' place. The way it's going - it sounds to me like I'll perish rapidly 'cause it's impossible to find a job without superb education and I'll never make a million pounds a year off cricket.
Oh, one last thing - my parents can barely afford paying my school (a VERY expensive one), so I'm supposed to get today a scholarship application form; how the bugger will I be able to pay a good university so I don't end up a fool?
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
JH, you're right, I oversimplified. And I know very little about cantillation marks. But I can only think of ONE vowel that goes over (and one that goes half-way up). The others all go under, neh?
*goes thru list* patach, kamatz, segol, chirik, tzeirei, kubutz (is that what the three-in-a-diagonal is called?), cholom
posted
*blink* I know about chirik malei and chaser, as well as cholom. But what is the second type of kamatz? Do you mean kubutz?
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Change - that's both the answer to your problems and the reason why you need to live. Life would not be very worthwhile if you had everything you wanted, and only sat around enjoying it all the time. The above might sound good, but dreams and passion only exist because of the difficulties in achieving those dreams and passions - in struggling against those difficulties you define what you care about, and create meaning. It is your responsibility to create meaning, so this universe is valuable, so you must live, and in living change over time to pursue that which you most desire. Take a step towards asking out that girl you have your eye on. Start playing cricket even if you stink. Do things that nobody does, or things that might not succeed. If you fail, you've lived. If you succeed, you've lived. The only way it is not pointless is if you don't try, don't change, and sit unhappy with the status quo, because that is not living. You may not be able to write a novel, but you can at least be a novel.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Is there anything you always wanted to do but never had the time, will, etc. to do it? Well, this looks like a good moment to start! Maybe (and this will come as a shock ) take up a new sport? I've always loved watching tennis on TV, and this summer I started playing a little. Surprise, I'm not that bad at it! AND I enjoy it! I'm 24, so don't give me stuff like "it's too late to learn". You never know what you like unless you try. I'd say go for badminton, but I'm not sure you have the facilities for it. I like it much more than tennis, but it might be because I played it longer.
What about running? It always makes you feel better; try to find someone that has roughly the same rhythm as you so you'll be able to talk and not get bored. You'll feel wonderful afterward! "Mens sana in corpore sano" isn't a joke, you know!
Oh, and forget "dating"! If it's too stressful for you right now, maybe you should calm down a little and just be friends with the girls around you. Sometimes it *does* happen when you least expect it. (Or you can go the other way, admit you're bad and not bother about it, just go ahead and get your @ss kicked! )
You hated "Catcher in the Rye"? Well, go read something else! The fact that it's a "good" book shouldn't bother you. You like what you like and that's it. Do you get a bad grade in life if you don't like it? Nope.
Come on. Take some deep breaths and start living again! I tell you, despite all the crap that happened, happens and will happen to you, it's worth it! Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
You could always do something else, you know. You don't have to limit yourself to large team sports. Or, heck, you could play a sport you don't like as much.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
quote:I believe that we form our own lives, that we create our own reality, and that everything works out for the best. I know I drive some people crazy with what seems to be ridiculous optimism, but it has always worked out for me.
I believe in taking a positive attitude toward the world, toward people, and toward my work. I think I'm here for a purpose. I think it's likely that we all are, but I'm only sure about myself. I try to tune myself in to whatever it is that I'm supposed to be, and I try to think of myself as a part of all of us - all mankind and all life. I find it's not easy to keep these lofty thoughts in mind as the day goes by, but it certainly helps me a great deal to start out this way.
quote:Originally posted by rivka: JH, you're right, I oversimplified. And I know very little about cantillation marks. But I can only think of ONE vowel that goes over (and one that goes half-way up). The others all go under, neh?
*goes thru list* patach, kamatz, segol, chirik, tzeirei, kubutz (is that what the three-in-a-diagonal is called?), cholom
Did I leave any out?
Shuruk. That's the vav with a dot in the middle. And there's a shva (na and nach <grin>), and chataf kamatz, chataf patach, and chataf segol, and chirik has malei and chasser, and so does cholom. And kamatz katan, though someone on another list is trying to convince me (unsuccessfully) that it doesn't really exist.
Oh, right. That's another reason I love the Rinat Yisrael siddur and machzorim. They make kamatz katan visibly different than a regular kamatz.
And yes, kubutz is the three in a diagonal one.
Posts: 12266 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Wow. You know, until I found Hatrack, I had no idea that it was possible to be a Hebrew nerd. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
To answer the question posed in the thread title, I draw on Jerry Seinfeld:
"Cause living is good, and dying....not as good."
Of course, he sings it.
My actual recommendation to JH is to learn an instrument. Playing guitar kills a lot of time for me, and living in a place where I don't know a lot of people, I have a lot of time to kill.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Corwin: there are two sports playable in Israel. That's it. Tennis? Yeah, go find someone and somewhere to play. I'm not a long-distance runner, I'm a sprinter. I hate TCIT although it's a book I'm glad I read. I always am friends with girls, but it'll stay like that forever. I'm the "nice guy".
Tom, if I ever play a sport I don't like as much, I'll never get the motivation to lose weight (not that I'm overweight or anything), start getting my body back in shape and be active as I used to. It's just never going to happen, and I'm as stubborn as I was told Tauri are.
Lisa:
Shva'im are not vowels, nor are the chatafim that derive from them do not count either as vowels. Chirik is only one, as the matre lectionis that follows is just to marrk a lengthening, like the two types of tzere and cholam - not different vowels.
And the same with Koren's siddurim, the Kamatz Katan is marked a little longer. And Rinat Yisrael's cantillation sucks. It's hard to read, and the text is not know n to be any better than Koren's.
I found one point in which Aramaic voweling was written wrongly in Koren and ArtScroll but is right in Rinat Yisrael.
quote: Tom, if I ever play a sport I don't like as much, I'll never get the motivation to lose weight (not that I'm overweight or anything), start getting my body back in shape and be active as I used to.
That's not why you'd be playing this sport. You'd be playing this sport to get outside and meet people. Heck, get yourself a bouncy red ball and try to get people together for dodgeball if you have to.
The point, Jon, is to have some part of your life which doesn't exist in or rely exclusively on your mind.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
JH. I'm certainly worried about you. It is hard for me to read whether you are sincere or trying to be dramatic. But your post is a call for help. I'm not sure that you are asking for help in the right place, though. We are an online community, and you probably spend too much time online as it is. You've had bad experiences with counselors, and that may be because of a certain supercilious bravado that you project, I guess to cover for some insecurities. That's your persona, but it may also be contributing to your feelings of isolation. My advice, play a sport only if it is to be one of the gang, not to make yourself more perfect. Or seek out someone for "Mentchlikeit Lessons", that is, ask someone who is a mentch if they could give you some pointers on being one. And take mentchlikeit to heart -- there is no greater guy than the one who is a real mentch.
Lemme tell you about my terrific husband. He is very bright -- PhD in mathmatics, Valedictorian of every class he's ever been in, holds his co-workers in awe with his brilliance. I know, because they tell me. He does the Sunday New York Times Crossword not in pencil, not in ink, but mentally. But, he never brags, never shows off, never is impatient with people who aren't as smart, he is humble, he is considerate, never wants to cause people hurt or embarrassment. A genuine mentch. And that's why people like him, not because of his brilliant mind.
If, when we first met, I found him to be pedantic, supercilious, and arrogant, I would have wanted to have nothing to do with him.
And about the SSRI's (antidepressants), I'm not sure why you are so opposed to them. If your neurochemical makeup is imbalanced in a way that makes you prone to depression, what is the problem with taking medication to correct that? Would you tell a diabetic to avoid insulin because they should be able to correct their own body chemistry, or else just deal with it? Depression can be as deadly as diabetes.
You need more sleep. Make it a goal to get more.
Avoid "Catcher in the Rye"; it has messed up many a mind. I hear that it is the favorite book among serial killers. It certainly reinforces feelings of isolation. Steer towards something a little more wholesome, perhaps by some Mormon author.
I am worried about you. I suggest that you seek help closer to home.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
There are large groups of hispanics that gather and play cricket in parks in North Dallas... I'm not sure how they got introduced to it, but it's the big thing there.
Perhaps you could start something? Finding 13 people is a lot easier if, as Raia suggests, you spend a little more time in real life and less on hatrack Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thank you Tante. I have little to reply, but that we were forced to read the Salinger book for school. I had no problem with Lord of the Flies, but I found the Catcher in the Rye very disturbing. Perhaps because I'm a teenager, and not a 30 year-old.
I don't want to start taking pills. It makes me dependent upon them to maintain a certain level of optimistic consciousness. If there is a problem, it needs be solved, not suppressed chemically.
The thing is, it's not that I'm isolated or not popular. On the contrary, the combination of success academically and my social connection with almost everyone doesn't do anything except occasionally make someone call me a "nerd" playfully.
I don't know about psychoanalysis yet. I don't even have a specific problem I can go to them with, and neither my family nor my other acquaintances have noticed anything weird about me yet. I'm not particularly moody or agitated, nor phased out or heavy-hearted. I'm just mildly fluctuating like any other person at any other age. It's not yet been affecting my behaviour externally, maybe just inside.
For all I know, it might be over in a few days; and this is the first time it happened to me with significant effect making me post a thread about it.
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote: The thing is, it's not that I'm isolated or not popular. On the contrary, the combination of success academically and my social connection with almost everyone doesn't do anything except occasionally make someone call me a "nerd" playfully.
Jon, you may be in a bit of denial here.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
posted
Denial? Perhaps. But I've got many friends of all types. I wasn't bullied for years or been a social victim for ages. So how come denial?
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
) take up a new sport? I've always loved watching tennis on TV, and this summer I started playing a little. Surprise, I'm not that bad at it! AND I enjoy it! 
