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I was talking to my best friend Kara earlier tonight, and somehow or another she jokingly called me Mr. Abandoner (because I "abandoned" a movie the two of us both really liked). So anyway, I said that should be my superhero name: The Abandoner.
Anyways, this is what we came up with: (Apologies for the conversational style)
Me -The Abandoner. How'd you like to be resuced by HIM? Kara - Lol Me - "Thanks for your help, but you know that cave entrance is still collapsing...wait..where are you going?!"
Me - If I'm The Abandoner, what are you? Kara - The Procrastinator! "::whines:: I'll rescue him laterrrrrr!!"
Me - What would she be? The Avoider? "Help!! Help! ::Avoider deftly evades::" Kara - "Look! Danger! Let's go that way!" Me - "Perhaps if we ran away, it would help to diffuse the situation."
Me - The Avoider, The Procrastinator, and The Abandoner, together they make up the most ineffective fighting force known to man! All we need to join the force is Apathy Man and the Willful Ignoramace.
Me- Now you're: The Instigator! I'd love to be rescued by the Taunter "Help! Help!" "Wow, in a bit of a jam there aren't you?" Kara - "Oh. OH. What. What. You want... help?! Like, my help?! Well guess what you're not getting buddy!"
So who would you NOT want to be rescued by?
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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The Tally-keeper (I can't think of a good name)
"Okay, I'll rescue you, but now you owe me a favor. Don't forget I rescued you last month, so that will make two. Oh, and there was that incident back in 1982 ... "
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The Insurer -- Okay, we'll need the last 4 digits of your social security number. Today's rescue may be monitored for training purposes. Oh, and you'll have to rescue yourself for the first 10% of the rescue, or until your rescue deductible has been met, whichever is greater.
Now, before we proceed, is today's rescue the result of a pre-existing condition?
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Hey, don't feel bad. Lot's of people need rescuing. It's not your fault. In fact, if you think about it, this rescue is really just another proof of how interconnected we all are. Like a beautiful tapestry, we're all interwoven. Okay, now, what I need you to do is imagine you're in a safe place...
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"Let me have my constituents take a poll to see if it is in my best interest to rescue you at this time."
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The Flatulator. He can fly, but only by flapping his arms. He has to carry you with his legs. (Straight to the fart joke. I'm such a hack.)
Script Kitty. She uses other super hero's techniques but doesn't really know what she's doing so she has a tendancy to screw up and get people killed.
Captain Stalker. He rescues you, then won't leave you the F*** alone! "Hey there babe, you KNOW you owe me your life, right? *chk* *point*" *shudder* creepy. Maybe he hangs out with Cay's The Tallykeeper.
"Punster, come quick. The plane's engine has died and its falling."
"It can't be falling, its only summer. And its not a plane, why it looks like a 3 dimensional object to me. And the injun's died? Who killed it, some flying cowboy?"
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quote: Script Kitty. She uses other super hero's techniques but doesn't really know what she's doing so she has a tendancy to screw up and get people killed.
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The Zealot: I'm here to rescue you! Endangered Person: Hooray! The Zealot: Just as soon as you agree with everything I am about to explain to you. Endangered Person: Can't you just rescue me now? The Zealot: No, that would be wrong. You can only be saved if you believe as I do. Let's start at the beginning...
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The Incontinent Seven and the Male Strippers of Justice are two hero teams not to be called upon in times of peril.
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John Holt talked about The Helping Hand (as in "The Helping Hand strikes again!"): someone who helps someone who genuinely needs help, but then comes to define the person as someone who needs help and so goes on to "help" them with things they don't need help with and then later with things they don't want help with. They start out pushing your wheelchair or helping you across the street, they end up spoon-feeding you because you can't do it yourself. He was making a larger point about adult-child dynamics and parenting, but that's definitely not a superhero I'd want to be rescued by.
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"You know, I wouldn't have had to wake up at 6 in the morning if you hadn't gotten yourself kidnapped, tied up, and placed on an active railroad track. And are you wearing SOCKS with SANDALS?!?!??"
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"Squawk, Herewith I, the party of the second part, known as the hero, shall save the party of the first part, from henceforth called the victim, from a fate equivelant to or worse than painful death in exchange...
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"Now before we get to the rescuing let me just ask you a few quick questions about your time in peril. Is this your first time in peril? On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the peril?" "Ten! Ten! Now rescue me!" "Just a few more questions, choosing from a menu of unlikely, somewhat unlikely, likely, somewhat likely, and likely, what is the chance you imagine of wanting to become in peril again?"
(Bob's is my favorite)
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"Before I rescue you, you must be color-coded and laminated. However, we have just run out of money for the laminating machine, so you will have to wait until we ask the school committee for an emergency override."
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I am TicketMaster. I'll save you -- for a price.
StairMaster, by the way, trumps Ticketmaster, because even if TicketMaster sells him seats way up in the nosebleed section of the highest bleachers, StairMaster can make his way up there, no sweat.
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"I'll try to help you, but the flames are just soooo hot. And nobody everr hellps meeeee."
The Fran Dresher Voice Impersonator.
"Please, shut up or throw me back into that pit of ravenous were-weasels."
Doc Social-Darwinist.
"Please, if you need to be rescued it clearly shows that you deserve to be in peril. If you can't rescue yourself than your removal from the gene pool will improve humanity."
Commie Man-ifesto.
"I swear to rescue all comrade's equally. Just some rescue's are more equal than others."
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"should i come in at the left or right side? I want to make sure my physique is perfectly shown"
"Im burning alive!!!"
"maybe i should have worn tighter clithes, these dont do me well. Perhaps i should have just come naked, make the whole world envy me.
"Dude the gas line is gonna blow wont you do something?"
"What about my hair? I cant rescue somone looking like i just got out of bed. Hmmmm? you say there will be an explosion? well i should probably get out of here then, i woulndt want to have an unsightly scar or singed hair."
They will save you, but they will have to discuss it with your family first, and you will have to confront your family, or they will have to confront you, and you will have to break down in tears. But don't worry, when you die because it took them too long to save you, Oprah will give your family lots of money, and maybe a new car.
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And the Advisor's counterpart, The Therapist: He speaks only in I-Statements:
"What I hear you saying is that you are in danger. I feel anxious when I see that you are in danger. I feel like running away when I realize that your danger might in some way put me in danger. I feel guilty when I feel like running away, because that makes me feel like a coward. However, I am out of here."
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Because most of the dangers he perceives are only present in his own mind, his attempts to act the hero tend to have only comical effects. Leaving the person in distress without a solution to his/her plight.
(Do Not Adjust Your Set)
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I think my screen name would make a pretty bad super hero. Not many people would want to be rescued if it meant getting covered in slime, burned and poked by a sharp skewer. Posts: 1594 | Registered: Apr 2006
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"Ok, ok. I'll be there in a second. Just one more post, and refresh, and oh, a new Gay Marriage thread."
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Does this thread remind anyone else of "Who's Line is it Anyway?"
I keep seeing Wayne Brady jumping in as The Flatulator ... and Ryan Stiles as the Accident Prone-ster. "Oops!"
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quote: I'd love to be rescued by the Taunter "Help! Help!" "Wow, in a bit of a jam there aren't you?" Kara - "Oh. OH. What. What. You want... help?! Like, my help?! Well guess what you're not getting buddy!"
I think they've made a TV show about The Taunter already -- but they call it House.
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"Help! Help!" DQ: "What, me? You want MY help? OMG, that just makes me feel so . . . (gets teary) wow, like you want ME to save you? And all this time I thought you didn't value me as a person! (hits speed dial on cell phone) "Hey, you'll never believe this, so and so is in grave peril here and he's asking ME to save him!"
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Uprooted: The Drama Queen.
"Help! Help!" DQ: "What, me? You want MY help? OMG, that just makes me feel so . . . (gets teary) wow, like you want ME to save you? And all this time I thought you didn't value me as a person! (hits speed dial on cell phone) "Hey, you'll never believe this, so and so is in grave peril here and he's asking ME to save him!"
Really good work Uprooted!
The Blue Teenager:
You: HELP SAVE ME!
TBT: what...? I'm sorry I'm writing a poem about my girlfriend, she dumped me 4 weeks ago, I think I might turn this into a song for my band.
You: I NEED HELP NOW! IT BURNS!
Don't yell at me! You don't understand what its like! She meant everything to me! And now she is dating the biggest jerk in school! Ill never be happy again, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
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I love this thread, too, because it is a sort of reborn "Make up your own crappy superhero" thread which is nowhere to be found on this forum.
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For some reason the Blue Teenager made me think of the Angstinator, which I imagine would be about the same thing. That for some reason led me to:
The Existentialist!
"Help, I'm stuck here!"
"Why are you there?"
"Because some villain tied me up and put me here?"
"Why am I here?"
"To rescue me!"
"Why are any of us here? What's the point of all of this?"
"Oh just kill me now."
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SuperTot: This two-year old superhero is sometimes helpful, but sometimes a holy terror. Known to ignore requests for help if a supervillain holds out a bowl of ice cream, SuperTot also throws temper tantrums in which small cities are destroyed, stops in mid-air on her way to the rescue to inform everyone that she needs to poop, and won't help people if she doesn't like them, she is distracted by a toy, or it's too close to her naptime. Sometimes she accidentally locks herself in her bedroom, and she often covers her eyes or says, "Uh-oh!" instead of helping when there's a disaster.
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"Dude, just chill out. It's all going to be fine. Whoooaaah, you know if you hold your hands out and tilt your head you look like a unicorn with its colors shooting out like stars."
"Please help me, my car will explode any minute and the doors won't open!!!"
"You know, cars are all a government conspiracy made to keep us in fear about oil and wars and terror. And burning oil is totally destroying nature's natural beauty. Maybe you deserve what you're getting."
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