posted
A few weeks ago, I found an abandoned USB drive in a parking lot and finally got it cleaned up and working today. Intending to return it to its original owner, I poked around the files on the system and, in the course of tracking down his name and address, also stumbled across a suicide note, a will, and a scathing letter from what appears to be his ex-live-in girlfriend. He's a little older than I am, and according to his resume has been trapped as a "control room operator" in the UNIX world for almost 20 years, tending to a dwindling number of backup tapes and "mission critical" procedures that could, in reality, probably be tended by Homer Simpson's drinky-bird. He also really, really likes Marvel comics, can't write a coherent sentence to save his life, and apparently plays middling bass guitar.
I feel for this guy, and he lives three blocks away. I'm dropping the drive at his place tomorrow night; is there a tactful way to mention, when I do so, that I'd be willing to take him out drinking or something? Is that even something that I SHOULD do?
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: A few weeks ago, I found an abandoned USB drive in a parking lot and finally got it cleaned up and working today. Intending to return it to its original owner, I poked around the files on the system and, in the course of tracking down his name and address, also stumbled across a suicide note, a will, and a scathing letter from what appears to be his ex-live-in girlfriend. He's a little older than I am, and according to his resume has been trapped as a "control room operator" in the UNIX world for almost 20 years, tending to a dwindling number of backup tapes and "mission critical" procedures that could, in reality, probably be tended by Homer Simpson's drinky-bird. He also really, really likes Marvel comics, can't write a coherent sentence to save his life, and apparently plays middling bass guitar.
I feel for this guy, and he lives three blocks away. I'm dropping the drive at his place tomorrow night; is there a tactful way to mention, when I do so, that I'd be willing to take him out drinking or something? Is that even something that I SHOULD do?
Thats an interesting question. I keep alternating within a few seconds of thinking, which indicates I need to think about it alittle bit more. Ill get back to you Tom, I am impressed you would consider taking him out.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
We've never met, Tom, but from what I understand you're generally a pretty skilled conversationalist. If I were you I'd just strike up a conversation about something or other when you give the drive back to him, and angle things around to asking him to do something.
Keep in mind that if he's terribly lonely he may latch onto you tightly, though. I've had that happen a few times too many in circumstances where I was acting from the same motivation that you will be if you do this.
posted
Oh man, tough call. I think you're going to have to read the situation when you meet the guy. My personal inclination would be not to bring up any of the sensitive info unless he comes right out and asks if you read it, which would probably be a blatant plea for help. Your style may be different. But maybe telling him you read the resume could be a natural conversation starter that could lead to you offering to buy him a drink?
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
My concern is how you would go about explaining to this guy why you're taking him out or whatever without revealing just what you found on that drive. His knowing that you know might push him further over the edge.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
And Noemon brings up an excellent point about the latching on. The fact that I didn't think of it just goes to show that I'm a slow learner, because I've certainly been there, done that often enough.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I'm actually half-tempted to ask one of my coworkers -- who's also lived here in town, and is in this guy's age bracket, and who occupies the same dead-end position in our organization that this guy does in his, and who ALSO played in a band in the '80s, and who also enjoys Marvel comics -- if he knows the guy; Oregon's a relatively small community, and it was even smaller 30 years ago. If he does, and if they don't loathe each other, he might have a better pretext for hanging out with him.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
I'd guess that the guy will figure out that you had to have read it, otherwise you'd never have known it belonged to him in the first place. He might not know immediately when you return it to him (if he doesn't remember exactly what's on the drive), but he'll know as soon as he looks at it.
I definitely wouldn't mention or allude to the note in any way, unless he brings it up. If I were in your place, I would probably make friendly overtures and, depending on how they were received, make plans to hang out or just give him my contact info if he's reluctant.
That sort of situation is completely outside my realm of experience, though, so I don't really have any other advice. Good luck.
Posts: 952 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I'll be honest, Tom. I think you should leave it at the door and go home. It's really cool that you want to help but I just have a bad feeling that you might be biting off more than you can chew. If he asks if you saw what was on it, could you lie? Could you strike up a friendship with this and pretend you know nothing about him? I would be mortified I knew someone had read something so personal.
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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I like the idea of asking someone who might know him. You have the option of returning the drive anonymously if what you hear causes you too much concern.
My initial reaction was "the guy might turn into a barnacle." That concern would probably color my dealings with him to the point where I wouldn't be comfortable doing much talking. I find that to be a sad observation about myself, really. I hope the guy turns out to be a nice person.
I just have to say, also, that saving & carrying around drafts of a suicide note, and a letter from an ex-girlfriend doesn't paint a picture of welcoming human interaction. I hope I'm wrong. I would've been very tempted to check the creation dates on those files (although maybe because they're on a USB drive, the date of creation might be the date they were copied over to the drive).
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I don't know the best way to go about doing it, but trying to help him seems like a worthwhile thing to do.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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Can you fix him by going out for a beer with him? Can you fix him by being his friend? Do you like him, or are you (do you think) disposed to liking him?
See, I think it could be fantastic to be a friend somebody can lean on, but I don't think that can be faked--at least, not for terribly long.
I have helped legitimate friends through really rough times, and I have leaned on my friends and been helped by them as well. I have not had too much success befriending a sad person out of pity though (and I have tried it).
I hate to say it, because I know what a hassle it would be for this guy, but if you found a suicide note, you seem to have reason to believe he could go through with it. How long has it been since the file was created? Since it was edited? (Is it possible to find out?) I think you should seriously think about whether or not he is a threat to himself. It sounds like he might be, in which case I think you may need to share that knowledge with someone in a position to help him.
Posts: 13680 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
If the resume had a title like "Resume" then I think it's perfectly reasonable that you might have just found and opened that doc to locate him. If they all have numbers or weird names, well . . . who knows.
As for the other thing - I dunno, too sleepy. Will think on it.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:I don't know the best way to go about doing it, but trying to help him seems like a worthwhile thing to do.
Seconded. You get props in my book for even attempting to do something. I'm not sure I'd be able to handle something like this myself.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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I just wanted to say I'm very impressed by your willingneses to reach out to this hurting guy. The fact that you are putting your concern for him above your own concern for yourself, is outstanding character on your part.
As someone else said, you are very skilled at talking to people. I hope once you meet him and get him in a conversation, you will have a clearer picture in your head on how to proceed from there. But I think it is great that you are willing to do this.
I know I would want to reach out to a person such as that. There are so many hurting people in the world, and sometimes all they need is someone who listens and cares.
quote:Originally posted by Dasa: Are you sure that he misplaced the USB drive and *wants* it to be returned?
Maybe he wanted to get over the whole thing and abandoned the USB drive as a step?
And I had just the opposite thought . . . that maybe he "lost" it as a cry for help, figuring that someone would read that stuff. But who knows.
Posts: 3149 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote: maybe he "lost" it as a cry for help, figuring that someone would read that stuff. But who knows.
Or if you REALLY want to stretch the probabilities -- maybe he purposefully "lost" it as a psychological experiment on his part for some college course or something, and he watched Tom pick it up and is waiting to see what happens!
If this were the case, you have my permission to deck him!
posted
I'd definitely ask the co-worker never hurts to do research. However if the guy (provided he's still alive... you haven't checked the obits have you?) would become a barnacle, I suspect Tom is better equipped to deal with that sort of a problem than the majority of the worlds population.
posted
To be perfectly honest, I think you've violated this man's privacy enough. I don't rightly understand why you didn't just post "Lost USB Drive" signs in your neighborhood or why you felt compelled to read so many of his files. Couldn't you have tried looking up his address in the Yellow Pages once you discovered his name?
Andrew sometimes carries his USB drive in his pocket when he takes the laptop to the library. I'm going to make sure that he doesn't have any personal documents on it. Incidentally, Andrew (an ethicist and lawyer) thinks that you should call the police about the suicide note and leave it at that. He also thinks that you should probably not go to this man's house or place of work, but meet him in a public place.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
I'd mail it to him anonymously, with a note tucked in saying I found it and, in trying to locate the owner, opened the file called "Resume". I'd apologise for violating his privacy by opening the resume file. I'd be uncomfortable wading through his personal stuff, and even more uncomfortable meeting him face to face and admitting to wading through his personal stuff.
Were I in his situation, I would be mortified at the thought of anyone reading such personal things. I would be much more comfortable receiving it anonymously and wondering if someone out there knew my most innermost thoughts than knowing for sure that someone out there knows my most innermost thoughts (and now wants to hang out with me). I think I would be too embarrassed to want to hang out with someone who waded through my files.
Posts: 10397 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Yeah, if I were him, and you came and knocked on the door and told me you'd read the files, I'd probably say something very very unpleasant and slam the door in your face.
I agree with others that it is a very generous perspective that you have taken on this, and you are obviously kind hearted enough to want to help, but there isn't much you can do, and probably not much he wants you to do. I'm on the return it anonymously bandwagon.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Tom, I will be honest. When I read your post, I thought, "What a great idea for a novel!" I mean, people make that kind of stuff up, and you had it dropped in your lap. I do not mean to trivialize this at all, I just think it would make a great story. Well, it is a great story already. (but not for the guy)
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I think you should send it back to anonymously with a note explaining things a bit and give an email address where you can be reached if he ever wants to talk. This would be less embarrassing for him.
If you were in his shoes, what would you want the finder of the drive to do?
Please let us know what happens!
I think your desire to help another human is a very good and Christian thing to do. Just be careful.
Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Perhaps you should read some of Tom's old posts. If you click on somebody's post count it will take you to their past 50 posts. Tom is a very vocal atheist.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Amanecer: Perhaps you should read some of Tom's old posts. If you click on somebody's post count it will take you to their past 50 posts. Tom is a very vocal atheist.
Yes I can see that he is. I was merely observing that his desire to do what I would call a "Good Samritan" act was something that is inline with the teachings of Jesus Christ and hence a Christian thing to do. I am a Christian and such an observation is normal for me to make. I am not trying to tell him he's religious or anything. Just making an observation. No offense was intended.
Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Well the other thing you're doing is assigning such actions and motivations to christians only. As if non-religious people don't normally do such things, yet christian people do.
I know that's not what you were trying to say, but that's kinda how it reads.
Posts: 3295 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
You know, I let that pass unmentioned precisely because I knew the spirit in which it was meant, and appreciated the compliment even if I think it's largely undeserved. (I don't think that simply worrying about a fellow human's possible suicidal tendencies is really all that nice of me; I'd consider it pretty much the bare minimum of decency.)
I don't mind being called a "Christian" in that context, any more than I'd imagine that, say, a man from Norway would mind being called a Samaritan. It's a shame that the word "atheist" doesn't carry with it the same positive connotations in our society, so that telling someone "that's very atheist of you" is as meaningful a compliment, but that's at least partly the fault of atheists who, lacking a common belief in divinity, don't necessarily recognize the necessity of a belief in humanity.
posted
Personally I'd have a hard time trying to strike up a conversation with the guy without it being painfully obvious that I'd read his personal documnets.
Given that, I'd shy away from trying. I'd leave it at his house, but I'd also consider alerting the police to the situation.
Something else to consider, seeing as how you've poked your nose into his business already, why not take it a step further. Is there an address or email address anywhere in there of a family member you could contact? Maybe you can't be his friend directly, but perhaps you could get other involved who are more connected to him.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote: (I don't think that simply worrying about a fellow human's possible suicidal tendencies is really all that nice of me; I'd consider it pretty much the bare minimum of decency.)
I think you're being too modest here. You're not just worrying about his suicidal tendencies, you're considering helping him out by going out of your way and being a friend to someone you never met and may not even like.
I'm interested in how this turns out. I think you should first drop it off to him, and if he's very thankful about it and happy, talk to him a little more.
"Were I in his situation, I would be mortified at the thought of anyone reading such personal things."
I think the difference is, you're not a lonely suicidal person (well, as far as I know). Someone in his position could really appreciate a random stranger offering him friendship and it could mean the world to him that someone actually cares about him.
Posts: 2054 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Perhaps you should return it anonymously, and then seek out a separate opportunity to talk to him. It's not hard to come up a pretext to strike up a conversation with someone. Guys do it all the time with girls (and vice versa, I suppose)
Posts: 786 | Registered: Jun 2003
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quote:I think the difference is, you're not a lonely suicidal person (well, as far as I know). Someone in his position could really appreciate a random stranger offering him friendship and it could mean the world to him that someone actually cares about him.
I agree. During the times that I have been depressed enough to consider such things, I think I would have greatly appreciated somebody reaching out and trying to help me.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Why do people suggest calling the police about a suicide note? Suicide is not illegal; what are the police going to do?
Incidentally, to avoid the controversy about calling atheists Christian, the obvious solution is to say "that's very Buddhist of you" when someone does something kind.
Posts: 10645 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
It's illegal -- which then means the poor family members or friends or passersby or whoever that find the remains (usually in appalling condition) receive no services for trauma as provided by the states through federal funding for say, homicide.
Tom -- I'm with Mrs. M on this one. Send it back anonymously.
Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
Would those of you who're advocating complete anonymity explain why? I'm having difficulty understanding the rationale behind that suggestion.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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On the one hand, the possibilities for him latching on are great. This brings up the risk of you becoming his "only friend" - which puts immense pressure on you not to end that relationship, because (knowing his mental state) it may "put him over the edge."
On the other hand, this guy is falling through the cracks of society and really needs someone to show him that there are people in the world that do in fact care whether he is in it or not, and are willing to go out of their way to help him. It seems like he needs a reason to live, and knowing that the world isn't an indifferent, uncaring place might help that.
I definitely advocate bringing it back and at least making some contact. A smile, some friendly banter about how important your own USB drive is to you, that you hope it wasn't too much of an inconvenience to have lost it for so long, etc.
I don't know if I'd go so far as to invite him out for a drink or anything, but just showing that there's a human being out there who thinks he's worth talking to, and who is kind enough to help him out with something as small as a lost USB, is significant I think. Especially seeing as many people would just have wiped the memory and used it for themselves - which would fall into his "no one cares" or "the world is harsh and indifferent" feelings.
Asking around to see if people know him is a good idea, too. Though, I'm of two minds of sending them in to be the emissary of friendship, because of the same risks you yourself would want to avoid.
It's a tough call, but it's a testament to the kind of person you are that you want to help and are just trying to figure out the best way. Good luck.
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
For those who think Tom should have posted "Lost USB Drive" signs, if you found a wallet, would you post "Lost Wallet" signs, or would you open it up and try to find out who it belonged to? I don't see this as any different. Same with a phone, pager, PDA, or anything else that's likely to have personal information in it.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Actually, I never suggested sending it back anonymously. I assumed from your first post that you'd already spoken to him on the phone. I think (after discussing it with Andrew) you should meet him at a public place and report his note to the police or social services. The reason I don't think you should reach out to him the way is that (as far as I know) you are not a counselor, social worker, psychiatrist, etc. and therefore not professionally trained in the best ways to deal with a truly suicidal person. For all you know, you could be the one to push him over the edge.
And I, personally, would be devastated if someone read my will and other deeply personal correspondence. I'd rather someone destroy my USB drive than read my personal information.
ElJay, as I see it, the difference is that you don't keep your will or personal papers in your wallet. There's a big difference between your driver's license and your diary.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
You don't have any way of knowing what someone's keeping in their wallet without opening it.
Opening the drive (and wallet, in that example) is by far the quickest, easiest, and most efficient way to get it back to its' rightful owner. If I lost either, I'd want it back ASAP.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I think you should return the drive, in person, to the guy. Call ahead to make sure he's there.
When you hand him the drive, make a bit of happy conversation but don't give out any personal information that then ties you to him.
I think that if I had lost a drive and was feeling bad in general, the fact that someone came over to return it (happy feeling number one), stopped to chat for a few minutes (happy feeling number two), and was a total random stranger who had no real obligation to do so (happy feeling number three), would brighten my day considerably.
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